ghostinmybrain

[ghostinmybrain]

Talk about mental health after break

So I just relapsed after a while and it’s cause I fucked up something super super badly and I lied about it and I’ve been having a shit ton of stress and anxiety about it and it’ll probably be a few months if not longer until that goes away.

But I feel like I’m just faking not being okay because I can go so long without hurting myself and I don’t have a very typical relationship with sh and I know that. I don’t do it everyday, sometimes when things are bad I do it for a few days in a row but then it gets better. And I know mentally healthy people don’t hurt themselves, I know that, but I’m not addicted to it and that’s what makes me feel like I’m faking it.

Probably the majority of people who sh are addicted to it, so it multiple times a week or daily or multiple times a day or they think about it constantly but I don’t, I do it when things are bad but then I stop even if things are still bad because I just don’t have the energy. Idk why I’m ranting about this it isn’t helping but I just need to get it out of my head and I don’t want to put it on physical paper in my house so this is my only other option

[ghostinmybrain]

So on Thursday I went to the pool with one of my friends and wore some shorts so my scars wouldn’t be on show but they weren’t super long so they got out a few times but nobody said anything. I got some new board-shorts that are longer so tomorrow I’ll be good because I’m going tubing with that same friend and then also my mom and she doesn’t know.

I’ve been working on counting my calories for today but it’s been difficult because it hasn’t been anything that I can just look at the back of the box and have a specific number because one I made (lucky charms Rice Krispies) and the other was a combo (lucky charms and popcorn). The popcorn was a little easier because I split it with my mom but the others are hard. I’m trying to over estimate because usually I underestimate things. I’m also gonna do a workout tonight and try and get back into doing all that.

[ghostinmybrain]

So I had been doing better but I’m not at the heaviest I’ve ever been (I was holding pretty steady and was fine with where it was) and now I’m back because I am not going to the doctor and being told I’m overweight. Nope. Not happening. Back to working out and burning all the stupid calories at night, they need to make calorie free food that’s good because it’s so hard for me to restrict because even if I restrict a little I binge a lot so I’m gonna just workout a whole bunch.

Little side note, this is how it’s been before. I always just thought that my ed was more restricting than purging because I wasn’t throwing up, but I’ve always have purged the extra calories through exercise.

I’ll try and post more again, we’ll see where we get

[ghostinmybrain]

My life is.... Actually great. I have it amazing

My parents care really about my mental health

I have amazing friends

I have a super comfortable lifestyle

I have a nice house and a great school

Im a straight a student

And my family is wealthy......

So why am I so sad?

Why do I $h when I have a perfect life

Why am I like this when my parents actually care and love me....

Why am I like this when all my friends care so much about me....

What's wrong with me. I have a great life.

I'm so ungrateful and useless....

I should just die.

[ghostinmybrain]

I just want to fucking cry

[ghostinmybrain]

pisses me off so much that the only reason people still think anti septic (rubbing/isopropyl alcohol, hydrogen peroxide, iodine, etc.) are good for open wounds is because companies continue to sell it and advertise it for use cleaning cuts. its been a while since doctors realised it's actually bad for healing but since it makes profit companies keep pushing the idea its important

[ghostinmybrain]

AI generated sh

This one was deeper than the one yesterday so where are there hardly any beans!?

I'm so paranoid I got myself thinking I'm so thin I've cut straight past beans and to that shit before muscle (fascia?) but I don't think I'm that fucking thing lol

Help!!

[ghostinmybrain]

I'm jealous of pastieries

[ghostinmybrain]

i wanna cut my chest off

[ghostinmybrain]

"my child is completely fine"

dawg ur child has memorized the layers of the skin and has no plans of being a med student in the future

[ghostinmybrain]

[ghostinmybrain]

i dont want to be clean i dont want to be clean i dont want to be clean i dont want to be clean i dont want to be clean i dont want to be clean i dont want to be clean i dont want to be clean i dont want to be clean i dont want to be clean i dont want to be clean i dont want to be clean i dont want to be clean i dont want to be clean i dont want to be clean i dont want to be clean i dont want to be clean i dont want to be clean i dont want to be clean i dont want to be clean i dont want to be clean i dont want to be clean i dont want to be clean i dont want to be clean i dont want to be clean i dont want to be clean i dont want to be clean i dont want to be clean i dont want to be clean i dont want to be clean i dont want to be clean i dont want to be clean i dont want to be clean i dont want to be clean i dont want to be clean i dont want to be clean i dont want to be clean i dont want to be clean i dont want to be clean i dont want to be clean i dont want to be clean i dont want to be clean i dont want to be clean i dont want to be clean i dont want to be clean i dont want to be clean i dont want to be clean i dont want to be clean i dont want to be clean i dont want to be clean i dont want to be clean i dont want to be clean i dont want to be clean i dont want to be clean i dont want to be clean i dont want to be clean i dont want to be clean i dont want to be clean i dont want to be clean i dont want to be clean i dont want to be clean i dont want to be clean i dont want to be clean i dont want to be clean i dont want to be clean i dont want to be clean i dont want to be clean i dont want to be clean i dont want to be clean i dont want to be clean i dont want to be clean i dont want to be clean i dont want to be clean i dont want to be clean i dont want to be clean i dont want to be clean i dont want to be clean i dont want to be clean i dont want to be clean i dont want to be clean i dont want to be clean i dont want to be clean i dont want to be clean i dont want to be clean

[ghostinmybrain]

[ghostinmybrain]

theres an itch in my dermis that only a razorblade can reach

a prayer that i go too deep and finally feel peace

the urge to slice into my thighs and fuel the adrenaline

a cry for the people i love, but can never be with

blood running down my legs as i sob for home

a home i never truly had, yet i still yearn for

blood covered blades in my hands

a fuzzy feeling in my mind as i can close my eyes and feel happy

hands come down like a lifeline from the heavens, only to be a hallucination

again and again, until i finally lose enough of myself for those hands to embrace me

all i want is a simple hug, and yet the only one im getting it from is death herself

[ghostinmybrain]

tw sh mention block dont report pls!! ^⁠_⁠^

ME AND GANG!! (⁠≧⁠▽⁠≦⁠)

[ghostinmybrain]

need need need need need need need need need need need need need need need need

(need someone to buy these for me cs I'm broke😞)

[ghostinmybrain]

i hate seeing other ppl sh post bcs they always have more cvts than me (⁠ᗒ⁠ᗩ⁠ᗕ⁠)