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Nine Inch Nails – "Wish" live

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Closure

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“Can you stay like that for a while?”

“Not comfortably, no.”

Just some thoughts into the void.

My favorite scenes from the Closer music video are the moments where he’s suspended in the air, but dangling all limp. It looks like he’s either surrendering to something or giving up, which to me are not the same things, even if I can’t explain the difference.

I told a friend a while ago that I wanted to gif that moment or two in the video because it speaks to me for some reason. But it’s such a brief moment, the cuts are so fast, it’s tedious to capture.

Then I remembered this part of the behind the scenes footage, and as I watched it, I was struck by the fact that if it weren’t for the camera panning, it would totally pass for a loop or gif.

I’ve been thinking a lot about gifs. The ones I’ve seen and the ones I’ve made myself.

It takes some precision and dedication for no obvious reward or purpose beyond remembering and replaying a moment/memory in a hypnotic, eternal loop.

You have to choose: “this is the precise moment I want to immortalize.” For whatever reason. (That’s why I try not to share gifs I haven’t made myself without attribution, because I know it can be a pain in the ass.)

But sometimes, the eternal loop is not a moment you want to live in forever, or replay again and again. You want out of the loop. But in this position, it looks like he’s succumbing to the inevitability of something, like he’s unable to change it, so he just hangs there, unsure of an alternative.

There’s more I want to say: about how in this section of the BTS, everyone around him is seemingly enjoying themselves, while he is uncomfortable and spinning so long he reportedly puked. And how he gets laid on a gurney and poked and prodded so much, he looks like a patient in a hospital.

But perhaps another time.

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happy 10th anniversary of the wrath of the lamb to those who celebrate! 🥳🎉

everybody say thank you hugh dancy for writing the final line of the show "it's beautiful." ❤️

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Head Like A Hole (Flood MIx) (1990)

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uhh i saw NIN and it was freaking awesome take this low quality gif

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Closer (1994)

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Promoshoot for Scream 2 by Mark Seliger (1997).

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( @miercoles-wednesday )

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August 31, 1991

Wembley Stadium, London

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the big hoop earring LOL

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P.S., i didn't think about it til now, i'm sorry if this annoying to ping you in every post, but i hope it's something

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This song (diary entry) is about fucking... again

This is gonna be insanely personal but I'm trying the whole "sexual liberation" thing. I've hidden this part of myself for way too long.

Here goes:

I've been looking into my past and trying to process my weird, traumatic childhood and it seems to be changing my perception of sex and relationships. It's been gradual over the past few months but I've noticed that a pretty big shift has happened.

For the past few years I felt the need to be in control most of the time due to my trauma. This developed into the desire to be the dominant partner in dom/sub scenarios. I had submissive fantasies too, but I was hesitant about the amount of trust I would have to share with a partner, I don't think I was capable of that at that point.

Now that I'm addressing the underlying causes for the control and trust issues, I'm finding that I no longer have much of a desire to be "in charge". I definitely enjoy the thought of certain "dominant" acts, but it always ends with the other person taking over.

I still feel nervous around some men and women, because they remind me of certain abusive men and women from my past, but I'm gaining the ability to actually want to trust someone with my body and heart now.

This is a big one for me to share publicly but I've never been intimate with another person, not for the want of trying, but because I just haven't found anybody that has had good intentions yet. Being trans, alternative and disabled has unfortunately attracted some... interesting characters that only want me because I fulfil their fantasies. I know this was the case because they've let me know pretty much every time. I was also painfully insecure about my body and sexuality for a myriad of reasons that I've already talked about here.

I've said it before but I just want to give myself to someone that I care about, I want to make them happy.

I've been told that I have a naive view of love and sex, but I've seen a lot of abuse and have had some uncomfortable experiences that made me disenchanted with the whole thing for a long time. I want to experience the good side of intimacy for once, I want to give and receive love and pain in a healthy, trusting context. I want to use my experiences to never have to live through that kind of shit ever again.

I don't need to "get my lust out of my system" by fucking around with shitty men or "go on a spree to disenchant myself" (this is something that a few people have said to me). I'm done with being ashamed of my sexuality and my desire to love somebody. I've always been full of love and lust, a "spree" isn't going to change that, it'd just be unhealthy and would give me even more shame and insecurity. I want to wait until I feel ready and have fun doing it.

I've worked damn hard to see intimacy and men as good things again, I won't let anybody else's warped views of them tear that down. I'm so incredibly sorry that they feel that way, but that is no longer my burden to carry. I will gladly help the people I care about get through it though, I want to help others that feel that way. I've been helped massively through my struggles by people I care about. Just a year ago I wouldn't even admit that I had sexual thoughts or feelings but here we are.

This isn't purely sexual either, I feel like I'm able to trust my friends and family with personal thoughts and feelings which is a first for me. I'm not worried about them throwing difficult confessions back in my face or spreading them around to mock me. I'm confident enough to write stuff like this without being afraid that they'll think there's something wrong with me.

I wrote this a little while ago while I was still getting comfortable with sharing this part of myself online, it's still spot on. I wanted to share it again now that I've done some "soul searching" or whatever:

Purity culture can suck my entire cock. I wanna be hurt and used and I wanna do the same to someone else that trusts me implicitly. I want intimacy and pain and lust and sin. I wanna be a queer abomination, I wanna be off putting and scary to normal people. I wanna say weird shit online because who fucking cares? I won't be told who to be anymore I want to be dirty and bloody and blissful. I want to be me.

"I want to be me"

In conclusion, I've discovered that being horny, blogging and listening to angry music with themes that I find relatable has been quite cathartic, it has also helped me find people with the same (or similar) struggles. "We're in this together now"

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Raygun Magazine | Issue 58 | Andy Warhol | Bjork, Trent Reznor, Beastie Boys | eBay https://share.google/ge52ONo4t4PiWC9xo

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I wonder if I'd turn into tds Trent if I took 14??

The Downward Spiral is six prozacs long