godofindecision-blog

[godofindecision-blog]

gonna keep this one less ramble-ey because it’s been a long day and I don’t really want to talk about it right now because i’m too exhausted to do it right now. maybe i’ll talk about it tomorrow or something. anyways, i think i missed yesterday’s 3 good things, so I’ll do 6 in today’s. the first 3 will be things that happened yesterday (if i can remember) and then the other 3 will be for today.

yesterday:

1) Got a shitload of sales, way more than normal

2) Work was good, physically and emotionally. The change of scenery from produce refreshed my perspective on work and i didn’t get so negative about it at all, and i did a really nice job facing the whole department, and there were nuts and snacks and stuff in the breakroom before i started so i didn’t have to go hungry

3) the evening was just very relaxing after, had a healthy meal, then some popcorn, watched grey’s anatomy and did my dailies

today:

1) went out for a swissy, was amazing as it is every single time. i already want to go back for another

2) went to jenny’s house to help her move her stuff. was kinda fun to see a lot of random things of hers that she forgot she even had. dianna was more mature than i last remember so she was pretty cool

3) her aunt’s condo is small and cozy, so i think it’s a nice place to be for the time being. i also like condos for some reason so it was exciting for me to see. 

[godofindecision-blog]

so today i...

well actually i did a bit of self-help (in a sense) reading. for some reason something warren buffett said in some youtube video i watched a while ago came to my mind so i decided to try to find it again to no avail, but ended up reading other nuggets of advice he had to give as told by other bloggers and what not. this thing that i remembered was his way to measure success in that it depends on how likeable/loveable you are, and basically he said if you don’t know how to do that, just take your 5 favorite people/best friends or whatever. ask yourself why you like them. what qualities do they have that make them so fun to be around, or allow you to so easily talk to them, or respect them.

so the core concept behind this is that love is reciprocal. the more you give the more you get. and the result is generally you will be well-liked and people will want to associate with you. so thinking about the qualities i like in my favorite people, i can think of the following features:

kind to others, they don’t rage, they don’t take out their anger on other people (anyone, not just you), they generally can keep the conversation moving along, make you feel important by including you in things. they are humble when they win at something and don’t make you feel bad for losing, they lose gracefully and don’t make any excuses for losing and congratulate you for winning. they are just fun to play games with in that regard. 

it’s not like i’ve studied people extensively enough to draw any hard evidence, but these traits would logically be attractive qualities in anyone. not necessarily to be popular, but enough to be well-regarded. that being said, i’d like to be well-regarded by my friends and family. although my family has a pretty low opinion of me as it stands because I don’t have a full time job in a decent field. they aren’t even expecting me to be a doctor or anything that prestigious, they just want me to be able to have a decent living. their expectations of me aren’t even slightly unreasonable, i just have a hard time motivating myself, which is a me problem. 

but anyways, i’d like to generally be a likeable person, and i’d like to think that what makes a person likeable are things within someone’s control. being outgoing tends to help with being charismatic, and that’s just something you either have or you don’t because it’s a personality thing. but for everything else, like being nice, helpful, thoughtful, these are learned skills and can be practiced everywhere. so i’ll try to be more aware of what i’m doing, and why it’s not working. it’s also interesting to note how much of this translates to online chats. 

anyways, 3 good things that happened today:

1) Work went well, did my first closing shift in produce today and it’s satisfying to have everything look so neat and organized

2) Got invited out to the sauna, and got invited out for korean bbq. though they both land on the same evening unfortunately. i opted for the sauna because kbbq can honestly happen any time, but sauna can only happen when it’s organized by tim’s dad 

3) maintenance is happening tonight on GFL so i can just take it easy and relax. watch some grey’s anatomy and get some ebay stuff done.

[godofindecision-blog]

today was sunday, so jenny came over and we went out and did a bunch of errands. i was woken up being bullied with cold hands fondling my naked body but honestly i like it when she bullies me. i wish she would do it more it’s a huge turn on. came back home, made some food, watched some anime, then did bed stuff till 11 when she went home. overall pretty good day, i enjoyed going around shopping with her. it usually doesn’t matter what mundane activity we are doing i usually end up having a good time regardless. 

made some mapo tofu with onion accidentally. it only had onion because I initially thought i was making something else because usually when i’m frying ground meat i’m also frying some onions. anyways, i had already cut it up before realizing i didn’t actually need it, but decided to throw it in anyway. onions can’t really hurt a dish that is essentially fried meat and tofu with a spicy sauce honestly. you’re putting in a universally good tasting ingredient in an already tasty dish. i think i prefer without the onion, but it didn’t make it taste bad in any way. it was still delicious. i thought it was much better than the one i’d made at stephane’s place (and I also didn’t split my finger open cutting the fucking green onions this time) despite having the onion as an unnecessary extra. and honestly i made this one completely omitting the hoisin sauce in my original recipe (because I forgot to add it) and it tasted just as good if not better. and that’s the only ingredient that had any sort of allergen preventing will from eating it. so if i ever do make it again in their company, i will just omit the hoisin sauce all together. i didn’t put enough to have even made a difference last time so that was kinda stupid that he couldn’t have any. oh i also omitted the sichuan peppercorns because we didn’t have a mortar and pestle. honestly I could have just got some plastic wrap and smashed them but it wouldn’t have come out as fine as i would like. i guess it’s not technically mapo tofu without them, but it’s k.

we tried some of the new seasonal flavors from made by marcus. one was banana miso butterscotch, i thought it was tasty. i like the little black puffed rice pieces in it. it gives it a fun texture and flavor profile when you bite into it. it’s like when you bite into a sesame seed you really get that spray of savory flavor onto your taste buds. the other flavor i wasn’t a huge fan of. thai peanut, fish sauce, caramel. like none of these things really sound that bad, and to be honest the ice cream isn’t bad either, it just didn’t really scream any of these things to me. i tried several spoons of it and each time I guess i could isolate each of the flavors if i focused hard enough. but the thing that turned me off was the spiciness it has. spicy ice cream doesn’t really appeal to me because i associate ice cream with being, well, creamy. a refreshing cold treat. it made me feel like they were just meme-ing me. like they were like “fuck it, fish sauce” and somehow when paired with caramel and peanut becomes spicy (???) either way, my favorite flavor of all time from them is still the whiskey hazelnut praline. it’s the first flavor i’ve tried there, and i’m still into it. i also like the almond butter + concord grape seasonal they had, and obviously their strawberry and vanillas. pretty basic bitch of me, but honestly they just have fantastic fundamentals. if an ice cream place has a solid vanilla, you know they are going places. 

3 good things that happened today:

1) Made pseudo onion-laden mapo tofu and it tasted good, and was better than the last attempt

2) Cross dressed with jenny and it was actually pretty fun/hot/lewd. i liked it and she seemed to really like it. i’d totally do it again and more.

3) ear plugs came in, which honestly will really help with sleeping with jenny. snoring is the one thing i’m bad at dealing with, and this should help. i love sleeping with her, but when i can’t sleep due to snoring i get mad pstd. (both my parents + robert snore and i’ve been on one too many family vacations to forget about it). also a ton of ebay sales rolled in today which was nice.

[godofindecision-blog]

facebook, probably part one of several

i was debating writing this one because there’s too much i feel like i need to say to really encapsulate the really complex feelings (there’s probably a convenient word outside of my vocabulary) but whatever 

so for some reason i was on facebook, like not just the chat service but like actual normie, shitposting, glamour-ridden validation circle-jerk facebook. the website. (no really, I can’t even, as i’m writing this, remember exactly why I was on there) and saw a name that i hadn’t seen in a while on some random post and i clicked on their profile. that started this series of more clicking on profiles of people whom i know/am/were acquainted with and glazing over what they have been up to.

it was a lot of people who were formerly classmates throughout elementary, jr. high and high school. people who i literally haven’t seen, heard from, or talked to in easily over 10 years. hell, i forgot most them even existed until i stumbled across their name/face on facebook via a naturally formed network of people who attended the same school. 

it was pretty trippy honestly. i felt like i was going back in time because suddenly i’m seeing faces i probably last saw in elementary school, and due to having such embedded memories as a child (children have really overpowered memory abilities cause their brain is still soft and developing) i still vividly remember what they look like, and it was interesting to see how similar people look now as they did back then. 

i wasn’t really looking for anything juicy (the real juicy things in people’s lives, i.e. drama, crime, emotional trauma is always behind the scenes) but rather just seeing what direction people went since i last saw them. not even really caring about their social status, or how much money they make, or whatever. but just stuff like marital status (lots of people are getting married and in my mind they are still 10 years old so it’s fucked) what they do for a living, which, while surprisingly unsurprising, is pretty closely guarded information for the vast majority of profiles I looked at. it’s surprising because it’s something people typically put on their profiles, yet unsurprising because the job market is fucking everyone over and so don’t want to tell the world they have a degree and work as a cashier. 

some of these people i legitimately used to be friends with. friends in the sense that we all liked pokemon cards, talked in class, and went to each-other’s birthday parties so our moms could socialize. 

but looking back, our interests really didn’t overlap a great deal. being canadian, a good number of people anywhere i went were into hockey. and the majority of people being white male canadians, into trucks. not in the red-neck sense, but rather in the sense that cars are cool (which they are, i’m just not into them enough to get into the nitty gritty of what makes them cool aside from what they look like on the outside, but even then). so yeah, once people hit puberty, everyone started diverging and started trying to figure life out, and develop an actual personality, understand why their wee-wee got hard when they thought about girls, etc. times changed, but the weird thing is, it feels like the people i once knew, didn’t change all that much. i mean sure, they have jobs and relationships or whatever now, but that’s natural. i’m meaning in the sense that if i talked to them now, it would be probably a similar experience from an interaction standpoint, barring any social anxieties that would inevitably ruin it

looking at myself, i feel like i’ve gotten myself into a lot more trouble than everyone else has. at least from what i can tell. and by trouble i mean getting themselves into toxic relationships that would end up changing them to an almost unrecognizable state. i’m almost positive everyone is dealing with their own personal shit behind the scenes, but all the smiles and adventures plastering their wall attempt to obscure that. but it shows at least enough to know that they haven’t like, started to do meth or shoot up a school, or attempt suicide. not that these things are really that mutually exclusive

[godofindecision-blog]

not a whole lot happened today, but it wasn’t a particularly bad day either. pretty relaxing as a whole. i wasn’t stressing out about anything in particular, and got all the mail packed and ready to go, didn’t think negatively about anyone really. so we are making good progress!

i ate a few pieces of chocolate earlier because I was too hungry to wait for dinner, but that was it. everything else I ate wasn’t particularly awful for me. although as a result of being hungry I overate just a tiny little bit, but I was at least aware that I was getting full sooner than usual, so it wasn’t that bad. i think portion control has always been a big issue for me, since I pretty much always skip breakfast (often lunch as well) and then eat an entire elephant at dinner. but i’ve been opting for more healthy choices like eating fruit, seaweed snacks, popcorn, and yogurt and stuff. basically if it’s bread, sugary, or fried (like potato chips, I fucking love chips) i make a point of not eating so much of it, or just avoid it all together if possible (once I start, i cannot be stopped by mere mortals). overly processed foods that are said to be not awful for you like some cereals, I just don’t bother with anymore because honestly it’s too full of carbs and shit to really be that beneficial.

i’ve cut pop, juice, and pretty much all sugary beverages out of my diet over the past 4 or so years. it’s probably one of the best decisions I’ve made for myself. and honestly the reason why this was possible was because I bought myself a set of contigo water bottles. the actual brand is not relevant (but contigos are particularly wonderful inventions). but anyways, it solved the issue I previously had with water bottles in that when I’d suck the water out, it would deflate, and then get my tongue or whatever pinched in the little nozzle (because I was a kid and retarded, and I guess that fear of getting my tongue pinched on water bottles carried over from my childhood). it just made drinking water from a water bottle more effort than it seemed worth. and also in my elementary school, it was sort of a meme (if memes were even a thing back in the late 90′s/ very early 2000′s) to use those gatorade bottles as your default water bottle after you finished the juice (or whatever gatorade actually is, sugar water?) and it had that twist mechanism that opens the nozzle upon twisting and then people would suck some air out, creating a vacuum and sticking their tongue in the nozzle and getting it stuck so they can hang the bottle from just the tip of their tongue. idk why people did it, but i basically did as the romans did for most of my youth. 

but yeah, contigos were something honestly completely unknown to me before I started dating my first. she had a contigo and i thought it was cool (of course, i thought everything she had or did was cool being my first and all i was head over heels for her). she initiated me into the world of ergonomic water bottles. and so i decided to buy one and drink water out of it regularly due to not having to worry about getting my tongue pinched. so i guess i have her to thank for that and i still use contigos and drink water from them regularly many years later, and for the forseeable future.

anyways, I’m happy that i’m starting to adopt a healthier lifestyle. it may not feel like it has a huge impact right now, but i feel like the effects act like compound interest over time. save early and watch your savings get enormous by the time you’re 50 or something. so taking care of one’s health should be treated with the same amount of respect as the notion of saving for retirement.

but yeah, 3 good thing that happened today:

1) I woke up feeling relatively normal, not sad, angry, anxious, etc. no negative emotions taking control of me the moment i wake up is just an amazing feeling

2) I rolled the final elite furniture piece to complete my set (ump45) much earlier than i had expected, and i also got the 3 star limited drop, completing my main task for the event (and she’s voiced by Megumin!!!)

3) I packed up all my mail, and ate relatively healthy today, so taking care of business feels satisfying. tomorrow will be another good day.

[godofindecision-blog]

girls frontline

i just blew a bunch of T-doll contracts to 1) complete the “use 100 t-doll contracts” mission on the new event and 2) roll a type 95. 

i ended up rolling more than the 100, because gambling is addictive, and I was also getting literally every other 5 star AR in the game, so I kept aggressively throwing contracts at the game due to the positive reinforcement. i mean i still have 1100 contracts left, which is where i decided to stop, but it’s still bullshit (!)

i still didn’t roll a type 95, despite having spent what is probably over 1000 contracts (in total, over the course of my time playing the game) using the AR recipe. and it’s the only 5 star I still don’t have. and yes, honestly I’m pretty sure everyone else I personally know who plays the game has it. though to be fair, I have dolls that those very same people don’t, so am I really in a position to complain? (i’m just being an entitled fuck) 

but yeah, this game has been “fun” I guess? I’m not really sure how I feel about it in terms of what I value in a video game. like, it’s addictive, obviously, but am I actually enjoying the time I spend on it? the dailies seem like a chore, which, i don’t know how, but i’m motivated to do to completion without fail every single day. I guess it might be the thrill of the hunt because i’m a collector and it’s a collecty game. i also have a lot of free time (not really but I’ll pretend it’s time i have to spare and not time i should be using to aggressively find a full time job) and yeah it’s pretty much just escapism at the end of the day. i’m unfulfilled on a personal and professional level so i just run away from the thought of that by diving in nose-first into anything that will consume my attention for long periods of time.

i thought i’d play kancolle for a lot longer than I did, and I was basically as hard into that as I am girls frontline. and i played it largely for the same reasons (waifu collection + escapism). that being said, i don’t know how much longer I’ll play GFL. eventually it starts with just missing a daily and not caring, and then it just becomes a slippery slope from there. new event rolls around, you might play it through once and then not bother to farm for any of the limited/exclusive stuff, then continue not to do dailies, eventually you’ll just forget the game even exists. it’s literally like a breakup. you have the phase where you’ll look back and maybe stalk their profile for a bit just to see what they are up to, if they already found someone else, then that’ll slow down once you realize you’re just shooting yourself in the foot emotionally, then maybe just get yourself off social media in general, and of course they will be on your mind, but soon you’ve found other things to distract yourself with to the point where they cross your mind less and less. there will be times you want to back to them, maybe do a few heavy constructions just for the memes, but ultimately understand that there is no going back because your relationship has already run it’s course. it just wasn’t meant to be. the flame of passion has died. 

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so today I worked in produce, and despite having done it once before maybe a month and some ago, I was a bit anxious about it because I still don’t know where a lot of things are, or if we even have them with regards to customer inquiries. so a lot of the time I have to tell them I don’t know and go ask someone who does, which makes me feel kind of embarrassed even though it’s only natural, having only done this once ever in my life. 

anyways, it turned out to be not as bad as I had it pictured in my head, as is basically always the case with anxiety. but that being said, every time I don’t know the answer to a question, that’s one less question I won’t know the answer to in the future, so eventually I’ll become more confident, and the anxiety will subside. I’ve gotten scheduled for more shifts in produce because I guess the produce manager thought I did a good enough job to warrant it. i also think she has kind of a thing for me because she compliments me a lot, she straight up told me I smell nice (twice, once today, and once the only other time I worked with her), and pretty much just praises me all day for the work i’m doing. I mean, i’m not exactly complaining, but I’m bad at taking compliments due to my naturally low self-image. 

so it’s good that i’m getting more hours in, rather than being a piece of shit at home. i’m really liking the 15/hr minimum wage here, so it feels pretty substantial when I go in for even the weeniest shift. (4 hours is 60 smackaroos!) that’s like getting a bowl of ramen at tokiwa for every hour i work! and I’m just stocking them up like i stock up t-doll contracts. save it for a rainy day. 

although, i can only keep up this charade for so long. i can’t get too comfortable at this job otherwise i’ll end up never being motivated to find another. not that this job is exactly comfortable. sometimes I literally hide away in the back whenever i see someone I know (it’s rare, but it happens) because it’s embarrassing (to me) to be seen working at a minimum wage job when (i guess) people had higher hopes for me. i tell people who don’t know me very personally that i’m an accountant, even though what that really means is i flip things on ebay and I keep track of things like sales, expenses, and inventory levels. so I guess it isn’t really accounting in the true sense of the word, more like updating a general ledger, which isn’t actually built properly because it has no balance with which to check if all the accounts are balanced.

but honestly, yeah, i do have an accounting degree after all, and yes, i have applied to a lot of accounting related positions, but it just hasn’t bared any fruit. that’s generally the path that i want to take, so that’s what i tell people i’m doing. it saves me from having to explain the whole situation in detail every single time, i guess. it’s also so people won’t look down on me for being unable to find a job due to a bunch of reasons that are a bit too personal for me to want to go into with most people. 

but yeah, 3 good things that happened to me today:

1) Work went well, got more hours, the manager and i seem to be on good terms

2) Dinner was ready when I got home, pork belly was awesome

3) I dropped the 4 star limited exclusive drop in girls frontline that i’ve been farming for on my 19th map run, which is great

bonus 4) tim brought back some ice cream from calgary, some interesting flavors in there, and my classic favorite whiskey hazelnut praline

[godofindecision-blog]

resident evil 2

so resident evil 2 remake just came out and from the bits and pieces I’ve seen of it, it looks awesome. especially if the controls changed from the old style resident evil games. not because I think they are bad, but I played so much re4 that the movement has become second nature.

I’m not sure if I want to fork out 80 bucks right now for it, or wait for someone to crack it, or wait for it to drop in price. I looked at the price of re7 and it’s going for 40 dollars on steam, and that’s it’s normal price, and it only came out a year ago, so it surely won’t be long before the price for re2 remake drops. it’s just all the hype and excitement got to me and it’s making me feel like i’m missing out low-key, but eh, it’s not like I don’t have plenty of other games I can play in the mean time while I wait. 

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i don’t know if it’s just me, but I’ve found that when I’m deliberately trying to get a conversation going, the other person tends to not really help keep the momentum going most of the time. did I say something weird? are they too busy? like it just makes me feel stupid because I put in a bit of effort for the sole purpose of getting them to bite just so we can chat, only to get no response. and I know they don’t mean anything by it, and it could be any number of reasons for why they didn’t say anything, but damn, it happens way more than I’d like to be honest.

i feel like i’d have more self-confidence if it didn’t happen so much. it would validate me by making me feel like I’m am interesting person to talk to, and that I have value to add to a conversation. 

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one of the benefits of having a tumblr over, say, a wordpress blog would be that it feels less like you’re writing for an audience, and more like you’re just scribbling down stuff. that’s the problem I found with other “actual” blogs I’ve made and kept going for a while (they are innumerable). I do and I don’t want the attention. like it’s cool knowing that there’s some people that actually care (??) about the shit you say, but at the same time, you can never please everyone, especially when it comes to voicing your opinion, and there are times where you’ll have an unpopular opinion without wanting to deal with any potential backlash (or the anxiety that comes with the notion of people thinking less of you)

in addition, when you’re having to write a half decent anything, you have to pay attention to grammar and colorful word choices or else it’ll both feel and read like a waste of time. a waste of your time to write, and a waste of someone else’s time to read. I didn’t like having that obligation. plus it takes a hella long time because I’ll basically edit as I go, and re-read dozens of times to make sure I still like what I’m saying

[godofindecision-blog]

so anyways, I was at work today and I just felt like talking about random shit, but it’s at work so it’s not the best place to just have idle conversations about nonsense, contrary to what most retail workers might lead you to believe. 

my solution was to go home and talk to my SO about it, but they can only listen to so much before it starts to just become a matter of using them as an outlet to vent subconsciously which isn’t healthy I don’t think. at least not in the context of a relationship. as in, the whole idea of “using” someone. of course it’s okay to talk about things, but not for the sole purpose of dumping your shit

but yeah, one of the ideas that I had in mind was that I’d use this blog thingy or whatever as a place to write down like, positive things that happened during the day. yesterday was bad in the sense that I woke up feeling emotionally drained and “depressed” (quotes because I’m pretty sure I’m not clinically depressed) and just had that depressive downward spiral of negative thoughts just eating away at my conscience

so I sought help at this really cool place called reddit via googling “how to stop being so negative reddit” 

one of the comments suggested creating a daily journal including 3 positive things that happened to you over the course of the day. and in doing this activity, you’re training your brain to recall good things instead of bad things, thereby flexing whatever brain muscle required to do such a task and strengthening it for regular use

so I’m gonna try that now:

3 good things that happened today:

1) a buyer that made a claim for an expensive item I sent out a few months ago closed the case because they received it and told me I was awesome and thanked me for working through it with them. so it’s good that they were being honest instead of a scammer which is sometimes the case

2) a party that I had prematurely booked off for on feb 15th was confirmed today, so now I can stop worrying that I booked a potentially wrong date off, and I’m also excited about the party and excited to see my friends again

3) there was dinner at home when I got back from work, which is nice because I hadn’t eaten anything nutritious all day (all I got was 2 muffins and a cookie at work, and I guess 1 banana). 

[godofindecision-blog]

so today I decided I would make a tumblr to talk about things on my mind, things that are going on in my life (spoiler: not a lot), and yeah. this is not intended to have any sort of literary prowess or be an actual blog by any means. I just think it’s a good platform to journal on and not really be held very accountable because it’s anonymous (or so I’d like to believe anyway)