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hindi ko na alam kung saan ung masakit. pero gabi gabi nalang. ang bigat para kong magkakastroke.

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cat and unmade bed. i love that he finds my room safe and he sleeps here the entire day.

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Bi-annual update

what happened in the last 6 months:

dated my college situationship, we kind of hit it off and we're doing good. thank god, we're on the same page and most importantly he's roman catholic. no stresses except dun sa papansin nyang ex (lowkey gusto ko na sya puksain) but manageable. am experiencing things na parang na-exp ko before kay recent ex mga 2 yrs pa in the relationship. if he wanted it, he would talaga. ever since naman, i know na he's great kaso nga i chose to be with familiar kaysa magrisk, it was like 11 yrs ago. di pa uso situationship non. sometimes, nagooverthink ako ng what ifs ko sakanya but this time i'll make sure na magiging reyalidad ung mga plans ko for him/us. di yon magiistay ng what if bec its the 2nd time, and i aint fooling around. he is very caring, hands-on and ultimately a provider. top tier din in the sheets *sighs*. parang wala narin akong hihilingin bukod sa to be married (sakanya) at makasama sya araw-araw. hopefully, we both want it this time! timing lang. also, all of my loved ones like him so much, i didn't even know it was possible. i love him so much!

had a couple of job escalations due to tardiness, client is annoyed but managed to woo them nitong june lang and i'm happy with the direction. sana hindi ako tamarin magwork.

managed to set boundaries with my mom, i'm not giving her allowance anymore (since march) and kahit nasa isang bahay kami we're not on talking terms (her choice). naooffend lang kasi ako everytime na she doesn't appreciate or feels entitled with the money i worked my ass off tapos makakarinig pa ko ng kung ano-ano sakanya. ngayon, kahit makarinig ako ng bad stuff na sinasabi nya sakin it doesnt sting.

some adult expense na i was asked to get against my will. house upgrades: i had to pay 35k for our electrical wirings to be changed kasi nasunog ung 2nd flr namin last yr. it was so stressful kasi ang daming need bilhin na i know nothing about (electrical) and ung labor ng manggagawa is really expensive. tapos appliances for quality of life: air fryer, rice cooker, some inverter aircon, pc parts. where is money? pero at least nagagamit ko sila everyday. i just need to manage my finances wisely kasi di biro ung adult expense. hindi rin sya nakakahappy.

went on a family outting - somewhere in rizal. it was so fun kasi i got to be with my cousins and titas. ofc, may mga setbacks but def enjoy naman. i love outtings with family kasi ang daming masarap na pagkain. yes, masarap bec gusto ko luto ni dadi at tita. and i dont have to walk on egg shells. i dont have to be conscious on what i eat and what i wear. i can be ugly as i want, and they wouldn't bat an eye.

attended an emo concert, and narevitalize yung inner child ko. it was really fun. i was supposed to attend this with my ex, buti nalang nanaig yung "nah" feeling ko to buy him the ticket last yr at nilaan ko nalang sya sa pagpapautang dun sa friend ko. i enjoyed it, sulit ung tix imho. secondhand serenade, click five pati boys like girls all in for 3500. parang i paid like 1200 per ticket. my friend and i had fun and we're looking forward to attend more concerts!

as of typing, 3 na cats ko - its in my previous posts. i love them so much!

i have plans for the following months naman pero eto muna siguro.

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this is a very significant life update.

sobrang lonely ko sa buhay nung 2022. then inadopt namin ung naiwang cat nung uncle ko. sya ung black, pinangalanan nung mga tambay na "pamby" kaya yun nalang din tawag namin sakanya. "pamboy" kasi ung nickname ng tito ko before so ginawa nilang meme. often times, napagkakamalan syang tuta/aso kasi anlaki nya for an average puspin. pero sya ung pinakamalambing sa lahat. likes to sleep with us sa bed and doesn't like to be left alone, very velcro cat. probably kasi mag3 yrs na sya samin and super comfy na nya.

after 2 yrs, mga late 2024, dinampot ni mami yung brown tilapia. nakita sya dun sa lumang bahay ng mga lola ko, nagcocower in fear dun sa gilid na giniginaw. pinangalanan naming "toffee" pero dahil pinoy kami dito sa bahay, "topi" ang tawag namin sakanya officially. kung nung una, nakakaawa sya kasi ang liit nya non, mas malaki pa palad ko. ngayon, borta na sya. napakabigat tapos masel masel. ang hirap nya tuloy biyabitin kapag nagninibble/play bite sya sa paa namin (which is masakit). sya rin ung pinaka-photogenic na cat namin. pogi!

then after a few months, mga january lang this yr 2025, pumulot nanaman si mami ng cat. gray tilapia naman. nakita nya sa may talyer/labasan namin tapos sumunod sakanya dito sa bahay. pinangalanan namin syang "maki". etong si maki, may injury to nung nakuha namin kasi sumasakit ung tagiliran nya. pinaglaruan siguro sya nung mga bata. ayun, may sugat pala. as of now, nagrerecover ung sugat ni maki tapos may kaunting buhok na. then masigla, and makulit na sya. likes to play and mahilig sya magpahimas. nagiisleep din sya with us sa bed, kaso ung fear lang namin na mahigaan sya kasi maliit pa talaga sya (2nd pic for size comparison) kaya natutulog nalang sya with us sa same room pero naka-cage.

i can say, ang saya mag-alaga ng cats. kahit magastos. cat food palang nasa 3% na sha ng sahod ko lalo na't 3 na sila, vet bills as necessary and occasional toys. of course, nakakapagod kasi habol dito at habol doon. dampot ng echas. pero ang lambing kasi nila? and nakakatawa at silly nung mga random na ginagawa nila dito sa house. naggagauge ko din ung expectation ko sakanila kasi i've read na cats have like an iq of a 2 yr old toddler, kaya pag ginawang kalokohan ung isa sakanila, parang "i can forgive you" agad kasi iisipin ko na they dont understand shit.

good thing is, bonded pair na si maki at topi. at understanding naman si pamby towards maki. ang di lang magkasundo si pamby at topi kasi maharot si topi and pamby is an old guy. nagaaway sila 80% of the time, and lahat yon kasalanan ni topi kasi mahilig sya magplay bite but kapag di naman nangbbalya si topi, chill naman si pamby.

i love my cats! they bring so much joy and color sa life ko. di ko maimagine yung wala kong pusa during my relationship with my ex, siguro i'd die of boredom and probably be depressed by now. our house has been so alive since we started having them. kaya if anyone mistreats my babies, i would literally unalive them. i love them so much!

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naniniwala talaga ko na sentient beings talaga ang mga pets/alaga natin. kasi look at my baby, feeling sorry dahil pinalabas nya si topi sa kulungan (his younger bro-cat, not biological) tapos ginulpe nya pagkatapos.

nung nahuli namin silang nagsisipaan ng feslak, pinaghiwalay namin gamit tubig. bumaba sya, sulking at feeling victim. i think he knows ang naughty nung ginawa nya. pero would he do it again? absolutely yes.

they can feel stuff and definitely has emotions.

right now, nandito sya sa harap ng cage nila topi. pabalik-balik sya dun sa upuan na nakasilong pume-pwesto kasi umuulan ng malakas. tinitignan siguro nya if nababasa ung dalawa. basa na rin sya. hinabaan ko nalang ung trapal para sa mga baby pero ipapasok ko sila if it gets worse.

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Naooverwhelm na talaga ko, feel ko nawawalan na ko ng control. And nagiging miserable ako just by thinking about it.

May mga bagay pa kong gustong ipagluksa, may mga gusto kong sabihin na hindi ko masabi, gusto kong magpahinga - pero di ko magawa lahat.

Kapag talaga iniisip ko na nasa better place na ko, may darating talagang moment na magpaparealize sayo na wala ka pa talaga sa better na disposition. Ilusyon mo lang talaga yon. Nandon ka paren sa previous lusak na kinalalagyan mo.

Gusto ko na matulog. Pero permanent, chariz not chariz. Etong cycle na to, it tires me too much. Hindi ko na kaya.

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Taena tas nagbook ako ng Vietnam ng December amputa

Lakas nalang talaga ng loob

Its just January 7 and I already booked a couple of activities na wala ng bawian so I have to mentally prepare for it.

My friend (from highschool) and I booked an emo fest concert and it will be on May.

Me and college friends booked a ticket to Taiwan on November and feeling mayaman kami kasi hindi kami nabother na baka hindi na sya visa free. Hoping na visa free sya para makatipid kami.

This is so funny kasi eto nanaman ako wanting to go out tapos pag malapit na ung day, parang ayoko na ulit? Tapos pag andyan na tuwang tuwa naman ako. What are these mood swings..

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Napakadami kong nararamdaman now feeling ko mageexplode ako ng wala sa oras.

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I badly want to go

To Jhope's solo concert.

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Lakas nalang talaga ng loob

Its just January 7 and I already booked a couple of activities na wala ng bawian so I have to mentally prepare for it.

My friend (from highschool) and I booked an emo fest concert and it will be on May.

Me and college friends booked a ticket to Taiwan on November and feeling mayaman kami kasi hindi kami nabother na baka hindi na sya visa free. Hoping na visa free sya para makatipid kami.

This is so funny kasi eto nanaman ako wanting to go out tapos pag malapit na ung day, parang ayoko na ulit? Tapos pag andyan na tuwang tuwa naman ako. What are these mood swings..

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I just want something

Its so funny looking back at my bucketlist when I was 18 years old, its like I dream of the world. I dream of wanting it all, pero ngayon I'm like 10 years older (I am revising this at the age of 27 so) I realized that I don't have the time and resources to do that.

Sometimes I think its the grief of no ambition, pero I want it to be something like 'seeing the reality' of today. Hindi lahat ng bagay kaya kong gawin and that's okay kasi at least may nagawa parin ako kahit hindi lahat.

I updated my bucketlist, nirefine ko lang sya para ireflect kung ano yung mga interest ko ngayong late 20s na ko. I hope this time makagawa ako kahit kaunti!

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Last time I was literally crying over something na hindi ko "sya" deserve but then again naisip ko rin na hindi ko rin naman to deserve :)

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Opening up has been the hardest thing these days. It feels like when I do it, my heart is physically ripping apart.

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I feel like, wala talagang nakakaintindi sakin. And sobrang nakakafrustrate.

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Tagal kong pinagisipan to pero gusto ko na talagang i-let go ung ako na 'yon.