gravewritings

[gravewritings]

Ive been rewatching Leverage and there headquarters is above a bar, so often its used in the cons.

Every once in awhile the bartender is seen, being asked if they saw someone, or police asking questions or stuff.

Multiple times now ive noticed they cut to the team rushing to finish something in time for after the person finishes talking to the bartender.

I like to think the bartender knows what's going on. No one has directly told him, the whole team thinks there so secretive. But no, this one bartender after so long has picked up on it.

So when he gets asked questions when its pretty obvious its probably for one of the cons (I mean how many police come into one bar asking for people,it had to be a noticeable incline once they moved upstairs) he ends up dragging out his answers, or wasting time or somehow deflecting for the team because he knows they do good in there own way.

[gravewritings]

leverage is a monster-of-the-week show, but the monsters are corporate greed, conglomerates, and capitalism.

[gravewritings]

he's fighting a beautiful buff lady. her shirt gets ripped and she's left in her slutty little tank top. "come on," you think. "why is the woman always wearing sexier things than her male counterparts." but fear not. now HE takes off his shirt and he's left in HIS slutty little tank top. equality. and then they kiss

[gravewritings]

Ive been in enough therapy and have enough meds and diagnosis to understand that even though im not the traditional $ sort of "high maintenance" but I can be the emotional kind. I have BPD, I have been through multiple traumatic situations in my life, most even before 25 so those brain wiring years.

So I always understand im working on a negative. I understand I need to "make up" for the panic attacks, the emotions, the mood swings and the constant need for reassurance after in my opinion I see a couple of negative patterns repeating.

So when I keep being told I need to do this, explain that, share my needs, communicate effectively. I take it. I know im already working with not a stable way to have a partner and relationship, and with mostly abusive relationships I grasp that I also dont know how to "fight" or "bicker' properly. So when you take the time to communicate to me what YOU need, I listen.

We agreed to not live together until our Financials were a bit more even and I could support myself better (I was freelance writer and not a guarantee and had to seek out welfare to cover until I could find a position, and since im agorophobic realistically that meant going back to school to be able to get an office job (hopefully mostly typing)

I took a condensed administration and clerical studies program (4/5 month program). Had Covid during that course and was at risk of being kicked out bc I missed a week which was a cut off for the school, my teachers fought for me and they gave me a chance of staying if I could prove I wouldn't have lost to much time. Let's just say i graduated Valedictorian.

Day of graduation got the call offering me the job I interviewed the week before. Ive put 3 years, 1 month into that job. Through the journey of being diagnosed with endometriosis. With a mental health break that lead to finally a diagnosis of BPD.

Then it was that the "market" is going to be on the side of renters/buyers and not landlords and sellers.

You confessed to me not fully meaning it when you proposed. You cited jokes id make of every gift "maybe its a ring" as making you feel pressured. I tried to explain that I thought it was an inside joke for us, my family has the same joke about socks since I was a little girl, never really thought much of it because he laughed with me. I owned up to maybe that could have come off as pressure and I shouldn't have done it every time. I offered postponing the wedding, if he only now (it was like 5 months before the planned wedding, which luckily was a micro wedding all inclusive) felt comfortable and safe enough to communicate that to me they we needed to work on us, and communication before we married. So postponed a year.

I stopped making the joke. I tried to communicate, I listened. I paid attention to body cues to make sure he wasnt nervous or uncomfortable with what I was saying or doing, double checking I wasnt pressuring anything or commitment, giving him time and showing him he was allowed to be vulnerable with me, that I would attack if he brought up problems.

So we planned the wedding again. I double checked and well in the end we postponed it again because I understood we both were not 100 percent mentally or physically and we should be able to enjoy our wedding day.

I finally waited for him to bring it up. The deposit is still there, my dress is still in the closet. The decor i bought, the plates and cups and other things I thrifted for our hobbit nerdy wedding. He hasn't mentioned it. He hasn't acknowledged when I keep saying we need to talk about if we are just postponing it indefinitely, if he doesnt want the wedding but wants it to be put into living together.

So I went back to putting the effort into Financials and sticking to making sure he felt safe and secure to open up and talk.

I kept bringing up problems to silence. To him "freezing". He never would communicate in person or take it serious or want to ruin a good day. I then would text bc I was more guaranteed to atleadt get a response or at the least an acknowledgement of the problem.

I thought maybe its honestly mental health. I understood he probably had burn out and maybe some anxiety. He didnt want to get help for a while but when he did I was sonproud of him but already in my own blackhole. I kept trying to support him. Be the rock. Be open to him. Show him he's loved, show him I appreciate him taking care of himself. I gave him space to do his bike rides and solo dates after therapy. I encouraged him going out with his friends, even if it meant me not seeing him that week (I didnt want him to isolate, wanted him to see people enjoy his time. His company).

I crashed. My birthday weekend last year I wanted to harm myself. Deeply.

This exact time last year I thought my pain was to much to handle. That my agorophobia wasnt just my mental health anymore it was me being afraid to faint in public, throw up in public, hot flash that overtakes my entire body and makes it feel like lava through my veins. I go bright red and sweat and nausea. I was pushing through the pain to work from home because I felt that was the one thing I was actually doing good in my life. I felt like I should have been supporting more. Trying harder for my giance during his mental health issues. If only I could push through my agorophobia, my fears, my pain. So I did. I continued to push through my pain. My own trauma, my own abanoment issues so that I wasnt a burden, a chore, a crappy task on the list of to do's.

I was starting to do better. Started communicating, started to think about being a good partner, becoming a good person and a good person to date, overcome my trauma and be creative. Rushed slightly back to work (as in nothing prepared) and it set me up terrified and unprepared when I returned.

I ended up in an ambulance with a stroke like migraine and once again on disability, though not paid for 3 months because it was still "processing." I had my surgery. Diagnosed.

My surgery was Thursday. That week work was hard for you, annoying and some crap info. Friday you came over and helped me. Supported me. Saturday you texted "do you need me today" ...The wording made me geel like you really needed the time to yourself, to recharge. With how things had been, I felt like you were asking me if it was okay if you stayed home and focused on yourself that day. And then Sunday I crashed. I got sick. I was left alone after surgery, with a 10 year old that can mostly take care of herself, but it was also only days after my surgery, I texted you I got sick on myself and needed you. My mother came and helped me and you took that as you didnt need to come over or give me and help. You continued the regular Sunday routine of it being a "you day"

I communicated to you how it hurt me. You told me it was on me to communicate to you my needs in the moment. You shouldn't have to read my mind you said.

Ive own up and put in the testing and requirements for me to finally get help for my eating disorder ive had for almost 20 years. The one I had been convinced I was recovered from for a decade. I owned up to, even when people were not sure I was actually struggling, not taking it seriously. Im struggling to eat on a daily basis. Barely any safe foods, not capable of breakfast. At a point of even struggling with dehydration bc water and liquids are difficult.

Last Thursday I found out my birthday plans were not considered in my family in a way that has happened multiple times before. I overreacted a bit and blew up. I put alot of effort into making sure people enjoy there birthdays. I want them to KNOW I genuinely celebrate that they are on this earth. I routinely feel forgotten on my birthday...because I have been. Ive been traumatized by past exes on birthdays, had a cake or dessert been "forgotten" by my own parents, if I wanted a special meal or event or activity for my birthday its me planning it almost every time since like 15.

The time was horrendous. Once again feeling left like I coildnt depend on anyone. Already on edge because my birthday reminds me my engagement isnt really genuine. Then the reminders and trauma of last year's breakdown.

I needed to see i could depend on someone. That i had someone in my corner. That I wasn't going to get another crap birthday.

You took it as time to defend yourself.

I begged for more of you. I needed reassurance that I wasnt hated, my company was wanted, you enjoyed to be around me.

I was at a point wondering what I was doing wrong for everyone to constantly "forget", be "to busy", or just not want to be around me. Ive mentioned it multiple times that I felt like i was missing something, I must not be noticing something that Im doing thats hurting people.

I legitimately NEEDED someone to put me first. I needed to see that I was wrong to think that I was forgotten. I needed someone to stand up for me (as in say it was wrong, be upset with me) and it being my birthday...I needed a good memory, to overcome multiple negative memories.

You told me you couldn't love me the way I wanted and you needed space on Wednesday.

I was hurt, but I respected you.

On Thursday when you didnt call, text. No communication for my birthday.

You couldn't bite back your ego for one day, you couldn't risk a brief convo with me to respect me enough to give me a happy birthday.

I turned off my phone at lunchtime on my birthday. By then you hadn't reached out. I felt rude ignoring you all day. Turned my phone on the next day at lunch.

You never contacted me.

Its Sunday.

I tried. I grew. I put in the work. I wanted to be a better woman because I believed you deserved a good woman.

All I know is that, i was wrong for blowing up. I checked out probably off and on for a bit. I owm up to being a roller coaster of emotions.

But I was a damn good woman, a damn good mom, a damn good partner and teammate.

And I still am on my own.

[gravewritings]

You are not upset they didn't do it, you are upset because you would have

[gravewritings]

The feeling of hearing words you never thought would come from the mouth of the one you love.

[gravewritings]

Im so glad birthdays matter so little to you that your fine ruining mine.

Happy birthday to me, myself and I.

[gravewritings]

I love being told I dont show him appreciation.

Like you ruined my proposal by saying you didn't eant to really marry me when you asked but you now and you never built the trust back up from that?! And ive stated that countless times over the past 3 1/3 4 years since you bomb dropped that and you havnt built that trust back fully, nor seem to think its important.

You get your love language every single time we meet because I trt to make sure you feel loved. His is touch. I give massages, back scratches and just lay my head or hand on him.

Mine is acts of service. He asks me if I need anything picked up, and he grabs me a pop from the fridge.

I prove it, have plenty of gift ideas, notes on tiny things he mentions. Literally made him a full steak dinner for his birthday because he told me an upsetting story randomly 5 months before his birthday that that was all he wanted for his bday dinner one year was a steak and he didnt get to choose dinner. So I cooked him a steak. It was marinated so it wasnt really what he likes.

Like i have threads, tumblr and reddit all have #couplegoals #husbandgoals that i routinely update on different platforms (that he does know about)

But yes please tell me again how I dont appreciate your efforts.

[gravewritings]

To be special, to be prioritized, to not be the one who gets sacrificed. Maybe, just for a day, I deserve to feel this way.

[gravewritings]

My mother works at a thrift store and last night had a pair of doc Martin's come into the store. My daughter's size.

We booted it there as soon as they opened and my tween daughter now has brand new, never worn but DEEPLY discounted doc Martin's.

I also got my weekly outing (part of me trying to overcome my agorophobia) out of it and had a couple of good finds.

Already washed and had a cup of tea out of my new cup.

[gravewritings]

Watching CSI with my husband yesterday and we were discussing how we pick shows to watch.

Told him I enjoy detective shows and science shows or even xfiles (cause I like cryptids and urban legends) is it gives me something to research later.

So I guess other people dont watch TV that way and Im special lol

[gravewritings]

I once asked my abusive ex to do the dishes.

He kept "forgetting" so I would do it because stuff needs to get done right?

Well one day I was feeling just a bit petty.

So I asked him to do the dishes, told him it was important and he needed to remember this time.

He "forgot" again. This time I didn't clean the dishes.

Well I cleaned some. I cleaned mine. For every single mug, plate and utensils I used that week I instantly washed and dried and put back in the cupboard.

So by friday when he got angry that he had so much more dishes to do now and how it wasnt "fair" I could look him dead in the eye and say.

Well its not fair for me to clean all your dishes, since those are ONLY yours. Ive been doing my own dishes all week. Thats your own mess to clean.

[gravewritings]

Recently Ive gotten into researching different urban legends as part of my before bed reading "winding down" time.

If you have any recommendations for some to dive into do tell!

[gravewritings]

wake up babe, new "I do not grasp the concept of moderation" image just dropped

[gravewritings]

[gravewritings]

[gravewritings]

A magical fairy walk 🌱🧚🏼‍♀️