growing-gremlins

[growing-gremlins]

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[growing-gremlins]

22 months

Well, we’re almost 2 years in. I can’t believe how time has flown by this latter half.

We moved back to upstate, and we bought a house.

We see the grandparents and she’s excited to stay overnight with them.

She plays independently with her Bluey characters; they hug and change diapers and even go swimming.

She sings the ABCs (remix) and knows everyone’s eye color.

She loves to point out the moon and loves to go see it at night.

She loves to eat cheese and prosciutto and cold pizza.

She hugs mama and asks where daddy is when he is traveling for work.

She goes to daycare where everyone tells us what an excellent vocabulary and memory she has.

She likes to run through the house, “fast like a cheetah”, and watch animal videos on Tv.

She is smart and silly. She is wildly receptive. She is helpful and mischievous. She is thoughtful and vocal. She is full of love and full of toots.

She’s everything.

[growing-gremlins]

18 months

I had my last therapy session a day or two ago, in which my therapist read me some of her notes from our first session. I was in such a dark place, so isolated and confused. Life felt like a never ending nightmare.

I can’t believe how differently I feel now. Len is getting so big, and she surprises me every single day with new words, emotions and jokes. She’s silly, cautious, bashful, emotional, brave, adventurous and so full of love.

She takes her little alien friend, gorbo, with her wherever she goes. She takes big girl bites out of food, and even can request different foods when she’s hungry.

I’m so proud of her, and, to be her mom. I cannot wait to move and see her grow up in a big house where she can learn to ride a bike and play in a sprinkler in the summer. I cannot wait for her to make new friends and form memories with her grandparents.

I feel so lucky to have her as my little shadow.

[growing-gremlins]

This is what it’s like to have a toddler

i will truly never get over this

[growing-gremlins]

13 months

Len took her first steps just two weeks ago. Today she’s taking steps all by herself and getting stronger every single day.

She has so many words it’s unbelievable

Hi

Bye bye

Mama

Dada

Bubble

Uh-oh

Stroller

Cheese

Fish

Shoe

Wow

She’s so silly and curious. Cheeky and daring. She understands so much it’s only a matter of time until she tells us more.

I’m so proud of her, and how much she’s growing and changing. I’m so grateful to be her mom.

[growing-gremlins]

Hold bb, look at bb, cherish bb

[growing-gremlins]

[growing-gremlins]

10 months

Well, it’s Christmas and she’s ten months. Time is moving so incredibly fast I can’t believe it. She crawls and cruises along the sides of furniture. She eats solids and drinks water. She has three, count ‘em THREE top teeth currently ready to cut. She laughs and knows how to play peekaboo with a scarf. She looks in the mirror and can say ‘baby’… which she knows is herself.

I’m filled with so much love every single day when I look at her. I can watch the gears in her brain turning when she’s figuring something out and can feel the palpable joy radiating from her when she’s giggling with dad.

How can a person that knows so little about the world be everything all at once? She’s the pinnacle of the human experience and she doesn’t even know it.

She’s so beautiful and I am so grateful to be a part of my own tiny family.

[growing-gremlins]

8 months

It’s been 4 months already. I’m that time our baby has grown so big, I can’t even fathom it.

At the 5 month mark, she finally learned how to roll over onto her tummy, but couldn’t make it back. For three weeks she yelled because she couldn’t figure out how to go from tummy to back.

3 weeks later she learned to roll and get up on her knees.

3 weeks after that she learned to crawl.

3 weeks after crawling she learned to pull to stand.

It’s all happened so quickly, and to think that she would crawl before 7 months was really quite shocking.

She loves to watch aquarium footage on the TV, and she loves to play with her stuffed animals, the tissue box, and anything specifically not safe for babies.

In the morning she pulls herself to stand and greets us with a smile at the cribs edge. At night she laughs hysterically when we blow raspberries on her neck and tummy. She cried when we have to suck the snot out of her nose, but always calms down with a little bit of milk.

She is kind of stoic and quiet, but also very thoughtful and and curious. Once she trusts you, she loves to snuggle and lay on you.

She is such a small human, but she is everything. She’s the future, she’s happiness, she’s hope, and she’s love in its purest form.

[growing-gremlins]

So beautiful 🌙🌿

[growing-gremlins]

4 months

My tiny little baby is getting bigger and bigger. In fact she’s almost ✨5 months✨

Part of me is really proud of how far we’ve come, but another part of me feels like I’m flailing. Am I even cut out to be a parent? My patience is generally weak sauce, and my emotions are at an all time high. Just today, after trying for 45 minutes to unsuccessfully get her down for a nap, I just had to leave and cry. I couldn’t do it. I was letting her down and I was so ashamed.

I want to be a good mom, but I’m in a constant struggle with what that actually means. Where is the line between safety and comfort, and how do I find the right balance?

I wish I could do this all the time, stay home with her, and have so much empathy and softness, but I can’t always be that person.

[growing-gremlins]

4 months

Yesterday miss Lenny was laying on the couch, I said to my husband, “I feel like she doesn’t actually want to roll over, she just likes to pretend” and then immediately she rolled herself over.

She loved to make mom a liar!

[growing-gremlins]

4 months

We’re already 4 months in and I feel like we’ve finally gotten into the swing of things. I wish I had appreciated her ability to sleep last month, because I truly did not know what sleep regression meant. Over the past week it’s been incredibly hard to get her down for naps and bedtime. She started waking up in the middle of the night again and it’s been tough.

Truthfully, I’m very nervous for when my husband goes back to work in less than two weeks because that means that nap time will fall squarely on my shoulders. I guess we can burn that bridge when we get to it.

But, in terms of our little lady, the pediatrician says she has great neck control and awesome motor skills! She stands, and wants to walk and scoot places so badly but just doesn’t have the strength yet.

She also now chatters with us and her pink axolotl whom she is very fond of. She has teething toys that she uses quite a bit, and loves her taggie blanket.

Sometimes I still let the exhaustion win, and I get nervous that I don’t care enough or that I’m not a good mom. Other times I just let feelings of joy, pride, love, and admiration towards her wash over me. I try to embrace all of the good feelings so that the bad ones seem less frequent. I don’t think I’ll ever regret having her, even if I do feel sometimes that I have no idea what I’m doing. If my mom could do this at 22, and her more there before her at 17, then I can do this now.

I read something the other day where an older mom reflected back on her time raising babies. She said, she wished she would have been easier on herself and let herself enjoy it more. That’s what I want to do, I want to look back and remember these as happy times that I think of fondly, so I’m going to make an effort to do that.

[growing-gremlins]

3 months

She’s already going through what we thought was a sleep regression but it seems more like a growth spurt. She’s tripled her milk intake and is fussier then all Hell. Right now I’m praying we’re in the downswing because she’s in her little bear suit asleep on my tummy.

I think the reason that these little bear suits are so popular is because seeing my sweet little baby in her little bear outfit snuggled up in me brings out the animalistic maternal feelings that all mamma mammals must feel.

[growing-gremlins]

[From drafts -March 1st 2023]

1w PP

On one hand I feel like everything is different. My body will never be the same, and even the most basic human tasks, like urinating, are incredibly painful. I’m constantly monitoring how much blood I’ve lost between my last pad changes, and trying to remember to apply numbing spray on my burning labia tears - even though it only makes them sting more. On the off chance that I’m not experiencing slow moving cramps as my uterus shrinks, I’m usually still trying to manage and adjust to the painful engorgement in my breasts.

The lactation never seems to cease, as when I’m not breastfeeding, I’m pumping, both of which physically drain the life force from my own body. My brain is a constant fog and I can’t perceive time anymore. The lack of sleep I have from staying up with this little human while she sleeps leaves my brain feeling like white noise the following day.

I have no idea if I’m still me. Physically and mentally I’m different than who I thought I was. Any career aspirations I’ve had have been replaced with constant fear that I won’t be able to compete against other candidates who actually have the time, energy, and passion that I don’t have room for. Similarly my car was given up to make space for a new one that most of the time I’m just a passenger in - literally and metaphorically; what was once mine is shared or gone now. Even one of the creatures I care about most, dipper, my special guy, was lost prior to bringing in a new family member.

My identity feels like it’s been completely replaced in favor of this new and foreign title of mom, which I still feel completely inadequate to fill. If I’m not me, and I’m not a mom, then who am I?

I didn’t think I would need to mourn the person that I once was, and the life that I’ve seemingly officially given up. I didn’t think I would have to give every single part of my self over all at once just to scrape by and survive. Pregnancy manifested this, and I was able to come to terms with what I needed to give up, but postpartum it feels like so much more than I anticipated.

On the other hand

I’ve never seen anything so amazing. She was grown from me, by me, and is a literal piece of me. Everything that is her, was me at one point. It’s a miracle that she’s here at all, and her presence is almost a testament of my own resilience and fortitude. I grew her, I carried her, and now I get to care for her. She’s going to learn what it means to have thoughts, feelings, and opinions of her own.

She will never be this small again, and she will never need me as much as she does right now.

[growing-gremlins]

12 weeks

So much has happened in the three months our daughter has been alive it feels like a lifetime.

I never did mention that the day she was born, I actually cried 5 times - the final time when we were in the car and we were bringing her home.

She’s stated to be chatty and make noises, she actively tracks people with her eyes, and she’s developing a sense of humor around her diaper changes (she loves them - upwards of 15 per day).

She’s incredibly fond of the picture above her changing table of the tiger in sunglasses and I even sing her a little song about him.

Baby baby baby is a doing baby things

Baby baby baby picks up when the phone rings

Hello this is baby may I ask whose on the line

It’s the tiger in sunglasses whose calling you this time

Baby baby baby says hello how do you do?

Tiger in sunglasses says not too bad how bout you?

Baby baby baby says it’s all good on my end

Tiger in sunglasses says I’m glad to hear my friend

Baby baby baby asks, tomorrow call me maybe?

Tiger in sunglasses say of course you cool baby

Baby baby baby says I can’t wait to chat again

Tiger in sunglasses says see you next time then!

I love singing nonsense songes to her while she jumps (assisted) on my stomach. She’s amazing and I’m so glad she’s here.