guywithaguy

[guywithaguy]

I just saw a guy skateboarding full speed down the street holding a venti iced coffee—no lid, no sleeve, just raw chaos in a cup. He hit a pothole, the coffee sloshed like a tidal wave, and not a single drop spilled.

No flinch, no wobble, no nothing. Meanwhile, I’m on the sidewalk witnessing a miracle, looking like I’ve seen God in the form of a skater who broke the laws of physics.

Whoever he is, he’s the protagonist of this simulation.

#CoffeeJesus

#PhysicsWho

#MainCharacterEnergy

[guywithaguy]

So, I once accidentally signed up for a pottery class because I thought it was a cooking workshop. The flyer said “Making Bowls for Nourishment,” and I was like, acai bowls, obviously.

I showed up, they handed me clay, and it took me way too long to realize: this wasn’t food. But I stayed because (1) I paid for it, and (2) pride.

Everyone else made beautiful bowls, and my clay just kept collapsing into what I can only describe as “an ashtray for sad vibes.” The instructor called it “expressive,” which was clearly a pity move.

Now I have this lumpy ceramic blob on my shelf, and I tell people it’s “a statement on modern fragility.” They always nod like that makes sense.

[guywithaguy]

One time my dad tried to “fix” the garage door opener. His qualifications? Owning a toolbox and watching one YouTube video.

He snips a random wire, and the garage door IMMEDIATELY slams shut like we just summoned a demon. He stares at me and goes, “That’s not what was supposed to happen.”

We call a professional, and the whole time my dad’s like, “Yeah, I was just about to fix that part myself.” Sure, Steve.

[guywithaguy]

I’m at the park, chilling on a bench, when a guy jogs past me in a full Spider-Man costume. Mask and everything.

Okay, weird, but fine. Five minutes later, he jogs back the other way, but now he’s carrying a loaf of bread under his arm. Again, no explanation.

I’m sitting there, trying to process what I’ve just witnessed, when this random woman walks by, glances at him, and mutters under her breath, “It’s always bread with him.”

Who is he? Why bread? Does Spider-Man have a bakery side hustle? I need answers.

#SpiderLoaf

#BreadManMysteries

#TheHeroWeDeserve

[guywithaguy]

Okay, so I was walking home the other day with a pack of paper towels (no bag, don’t ask), and this squirrel comes out of nowhere, locks eyes with me, and starts walking toward me like it’s got beef.

I stop. It stops. I take a step. It takes a step. It’s staring at my paper towels like it’s the holy grail.

I panic and throw a stick to distract it. The squirrel actually falls for it, and I speed-walk home like I just escaped a heist.

Later, I find a granola bar in my pocket. That squirrel knew. It wasn’t just a squirrel. It was a mastermind.

[guywithaguy]

So my dad decides he’s gonna fix the kitchen faucet himself. Bold of him, considering he once broke a chair trying to “tighten it.”

We’re at Home Depot, and he’s grabbing random pipe things, muttering, “Yeah, this’ll do.” Meanwhile, I’m Googling, “how to fix faucet without calling 911.”

Cut to him under the sink, yelling for a flashlight like he’s performing surgery. He goes, “It’s not rocket science.” Five seconds later, the faucet explodes. WATER. EVERYWHERE. I’m screaming, “TURN IT OFF!” He’s screaming, “WHERE’S THE VALVE?!” I’m like, “YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO KNOW!”

We shut it off, soaking wet. He looks at me and goes, “Don’t tell your mom.”

Mom comes home to a plumber in the kitchen and my dad pretending it was my idea. Classic.

[guywithaguy]

The other day at the park I saw this kid—maybe like 8 years old—standing in front of the duck pond with serious intent. Like, hands on hips, staring the ducks down.

I don’t think much of it until the kid raises a piece of bread over their head like it’s the Sword of Destiny and just hurls it into the water. The ducks? Lose. Their. Minds. They’re flapping, quacking, straight-up wrestling each other like it’s duck WrestleMania.

And the kid? Oh, the kid is laughing maniacally. Like full-on evil scientist cackle. Parents on the bench nearby look mildly concerned, but no one intervenes.

Then—get this—the kid turns to the rest of the bread in their bag, mutters, “They’re not ready for the whole loaf,” and just walks away. Like some chaotic bread wizard.

I don’t know what I witnessed, but I think that child might rule the ducks now.

[guywithaguy]

Okay, so last weekend, I’m at Target with my dad because he wanted a new coffee maker. Not because his old one broke—he lost it. LOST. A WHOLE. COFFEE. MAKER.

We’re in the appliance aisle, and he’s holding this $15 machine like it’s the holy grail, saying, “You don’t need anything fancy. This one makes coffee.” Meanwhile, I’m holding a $70 espresso machine like the bougie millennial I am. He goes, “Coffee is coffee.” And I’m like, “No, coffee is therapy.”

Then he knocks over a stack of toasters. FULL. COLLAPSE. Doesn’t even flinch. Just says, “That’s why they’re metal.” and keeps walking with his $15 masterpiece.

We get home. He finds the old coffee maker in the pantry.

So now we have two coffee makers, a dented toaster display, and zero shame.

[guywithaguy]

So I’m walking through the park, and I see this guy, clearly homeless, sitting on a bench. But he’s not alone. Oh no. He’s surrounded by at least 30 pigeons. Like a literal army of pigeons just chilling around him, some perched on his shoulders, some on his lap, others just vibing on the ground.

I’m thinking, “Is he the pigeon king?” but then he looks at me and goes, “They trust me.” And I’m like, How? How does one become so aligned with nature that a whole flock of pigeons just congregates around you like you’re their leader?

I start walking away, and he calls after me, “You’ll never have this much power.” which i mean is good for him to have confidence, but also that did hurt a little because ik he was telling the truth.

[guywithaguy]

Okay, so I’m walking home from the store, right? Minding my business, holding my chips, when this guy on a bike zooms past me screaming, “I’M GONNA FIX IT, LINDA!” But there’s no one who seems to be named Linda.

Then I see a squirrel holding a whole slice of pizza. Like, not nibbling it—holding it. We lock eyes. Mutual respect.

Suddenly, Spider-Man (???) sprints by, yelling, “DON’T TOUCH MY STUFFED CRUST!” carrying a pizza box like it’s a baby. The squirrel follows him. I don’t know whose side I’m on.

Long story short, never do shrooms and walk around NYC unsupervised.

[guywithaguy]

So the other day, I’m in the car with my dad at a McDonald’s drive-thru. He orders his usual: two cheeseburgers and a black coffee because he’s the type of guy who thinks hot bean water + grease = health.

We get to the window, and they hand us the bag, but no coffee. My dad goes, “Hey, where’s my coffee?” The worker just stares and says, “We’re out of cups.

Out. Of. Cups. At McDonald’s. My dad blinks and goes, “So… you have coffee, but nowhere to put it?” The guy nods like this is a totally normal problem.

Dad just says “Just pour it into something else.” Worker looks horrified. Ten seconds later, a second guy comes over and hands my dad black coffee in a soda cup. A giant soda cup. My dad just nods and goes, “Perfect.”

Anyway, I’ve never seen someone so unbothered drinking 40 ounces of scalding coffee out of a cup labeled “Large Sprite.”

[guywithaguy]

So yesterday, I’m at the park, just minding my business, when I spot a guy walking a goat on a leash. Like, just casually strolling around with a goat. Naturally, I stare because, well, what else do you do when you see a goat being walked like a dog? The guy catches my eye and, without missing a beat, says, “Yeah, his name’s Jerry. He’s pretty chill.”

Then, out of nowhere, Jerry starts sprinting in circles around the guy, like he’s in the middle of a rave, and the guy just casually says, “Oh, that’s his happy dance. He’s showing off for the crowd.”

At this point, I’m convinced Jerry is secretly training for some kind of goat dance competition. Does he have a TikTok? Could Jerry be the next viral sensation? Honestly, I wouldn’t be surprised. If this goat can bust out moves like that, he’s probably just waiting for the right moment to go viral.

#GoatDanceParty

#JerryTheRaveGoat

#ParkAdventures

[guywithaguy]

So last week, I accidentally joined a group chat planning a heist.

It started with a text from an unknown number: “We’re meeting at midnight. Don’t forget the crowbar.” Instead of saying, “Wrong number,” I responded, “What kind of snacks are we bringing?”

No reply until 11:45 that night: “We’re outside.” I look out, and there’s a white van in my driveway. I panic, grab a backpack, shove in random tools, and head out because apparently, curiosity will kill me one day.

I get in, and three people in hoodies stare at me like I’m late. Someone goes, “Where’s the crowbar?” and I panic again. So I pull out a Capri Sun and say, “I brought juice.”

The heist got canceled because someone forgot their ski mask, and they dropped me off two blocks from my house with a “Next time, bring the crowbar.”

There’s not gonna be a next time. Probably.

[guywithaguy]

The other night, my dad and I went to pick up pizza because delivery fees are, according to him, “the greatest scam of the modern era.” We get to the pizza place, and my dad is mesmerized by the guy tossing dough, like it’s a live performance. Meanwhile, there’s this guy in line loudly threatening the cashier about wanting extra pepperoni.

The dough guy, mid-spin, yells, “I make the pizzas, and they ALL have pepperoni!” He’s holding the dough like it’s a shield. The cashier is dying laughing. Pepperoni Guy? Dead silent. My dad, of course, leans over to me and whispers, “They don’t mess around here, huh?” like we’re witnessing a mafia operation.

As we leave, we see Pepperoni Guy in his car… eating a calzone. My dad, without missing a beat, goes, “Guess he lost that fight.” I can’t think about it without laughing. The pizza? Pretty good. But now it’s just “the place where the pepperoni war happened.”

[guywithaguy]

you ever think about how “shower thoughts” are so misnamed?? like they make it sound like you’re standing in the shower, deep in philosophical debate with yourself, solving world hunger or figuring out how time travel works. but in reality, you’re just standing there like:

• “if I eat soap in the shower, do I technically become cleaner?”

• “why do my toes exist. like really exist. what’s their purpose. do they even have a plan?”

• “did I use conditioner already or am I about to have the silkiest hair known to mankind?”

• “if two people each use one of those two-in-one shampoo/conditioner bottles, does it become a four-in-one by proxy?”

and NONE of these thoughts are profound. they’re just dumb brain static happening because you’re a wet, naked mammal with too much free time while sudsing up.

and then you forget every single thought the second you turn the water off. like the shower just absorbs them. that’s why you never hear anyone go, “oh yeah, I had this genius shower idea and it changed my life.” no. instead, it’s: “wait. what was I even thinking about in there? why am I holding a loofah like a weapon?”

shower thoughts are a SCAM. they’re not about the shower. they’re about your brain short-circuiting because it has too much time and not enough stimulation. call them “soapy spirals” or “prune-brain ramblings.” stop making them sound smart.

[guywithaguy]

So I’m at the library, trying to be a functional adult and return a book I’ve had for way too long (no, you don’t need to know how long, mind your business). Anyway, I’m at the self-check-in kiosk, and this guy next to me—let’s call him “Overachiever in Flannel”—is very dramatically scanning in a stack of books. Like, one by one, with precision, like he’s solving the Da Vinci Code.

I glance over, because obviously, I’m nosy, and I see the titles:

1. Advanced Quantum Physics

2. The History of French Bread

3. How to Identify Birds by Their Feet

Now, at this point, I’m intrigued. Who is this man? Why does he need these very specific books? Is he trying to bake a baguette that transcends space-time while also being able to spot a pigeon’s footprint from 30 feet away?

Then it gets better. He finishes, turns to leave, and just drops his library card. Doesn’t notice. So I do the responsible thing and yell, “Hey! You dropped this!”

The dude stops, turns, and with the most serious expression goes, “Ah, thank you. This is vital.” Picks it up like it’s the One Ring, nods at me like I just saved Middle-earth, and walks out of the library dramatically flipping his scarf.

I haven’t stopped thinking about him since. Somewhere out there, Flannel Guy is solving mysteries we didn’t even know existed, armed with bird feet knowledge and quantum baguette theories.

#WhoIsFlannelGuy

#QuantumPigeons

#LibraryDramaIsReal

[guywithaguy]

At Target. I wasn’t even there for anything important—just one of those “I’ll grab shampoo and maybe look at candles for 45 minutes” kind of trips. Anyways, I get to self-checkout, and the guy next to me suddenly yells, “What do you mean it’s declined?!” like he’s starring in a drama. I freeze because, obviously, I want zero part of this situation, but then he pulls out his phone and starts yelling at someone, “YOU told me to put the money in the SAVINGS account! Now I can’t buy my stupid pretzels!”

I’m trying so hard not to react, just over-scanning my stuff like my life depends on it. But my dad, who for some reason is with me on this Target trip, leans over and whispers, “He’s right, pretzels are essential.” I immediately lose it—full-on crying laughing—and my dad’s standing there, looking like he just landed a Netflix comedy special.

Meanwhile, Declined Card Guy storms out, leaving the pretzels behind, which, okay, tragic, but also… free pretzels? My dad goes, “Should we go after him?” and I’m like, “What are you gonna do, Dad? Offer him YOUR card? Are we the Pretzel Fairy now?”

Anyway, we didn’t chase him, but we did end up buying the pretzels. They were okay. Not “have a public breakdown over them” good, but solid. My dad, however, will now randomly mutter, “Pretzels are essential,” and send me into hysterics every time.