halcyonmachines

[halcyonmachines]

my dad just came home from work and the first thing i hear after saying good morning is "hi! you're waking up earlier these days :)" shut up shut up shut up you stupid fucking asshole you have no idea how much i struggle

[halcyonmachines]

i'm a totally different person than i used to be a few months ago but i don't like this new person. i want to be my old self again. i'm so angry and bitter these days. it's not me. or maybe it is and i'm scared to own up to it

[halcyonmachines]

i <3 having my mood ruined first thing in the morning because i just want to brush my teeth but my dad cleaned the bathroom so now i have to wait until the tile floor dries. but he took it so personally. "sorry for cleaning!! sorry for being up at 11am and cleaning!" dude i'm not talking to you. of course you're cleaning. i just want to brush my teeth. what the hell man

[halcyonmachines]

i relapsed a while ago and now the scars are healing and they're so itchy. so annoying. i shouldn't have done that

[halcyonmachines]

i thought i unfolled all the fat liberation blogs but i guess not. guhhh. get out of my house i'm an adult now

[halcyonmachines]

dude it's so crazy how pervasive the "fat liberation" movement has become in progressive spaces. i'm so glad i got to overcome it and deconstruct the rhetoric i was presented with for yearssssssssssssssssss. because it was literally fueling and normalizing my disordered eating in a way i can only imagine would be eerily similar to proana shit if my issues landed on the opposite side of that spectrum

[halcyonmachines]

no but now that i think about it. it is actually so crazy how much my parents just did not give a shit about my health.

there was no limit on greasy unhealthy snacks whatsoever (i was given huge bags of chips and was able to finish them in one evening without issue) and things like chocolate, cookies and pretzels were Always available at home in huge quantities, again, with no limit

i am autistic so a lot of flavors and textures threw me off for reasons i could not articulate as well as i'm able to now. because of this, i was labeled a picky eater and my relationship to food was deemed a lost cause pretty much immediately; i was never encouraged to eat veggies or shown how they can be enjoyed in appealing ways

ate at grandparents' house a lot and i know this gets memed a lot but i genuinely could not bare to see their faces when i didn't finish the entire plate of whatever greasy food they were serving me. and their servings were massive, especially for a kid. and it was usually nothing but pure carbs because again, picky eater

exercise or just moving around at all was never encouraged either. i am grateful that they got doctors notes for me so i could sneak out of PE class because being the fattest kid in PE was actual hellfire but we also would never like. go on walks. or anything like that

[halcyonmachines]

thinking about the day that rly made the realization hit that:

my mom is literally so out of control when it comes to food

she is destroying herself and bringing me down with her

i need to take control of my body at least to some degree so i don't end up like her

and i know those thoughts are terrible but they're also like. true. my mom is really obese but it's not like she was always that way. i looked after some old photos with her after grandpa died and she used to be a pretty normal weight (maybe a bit overweight but nothing drastic) and so pretty. she's tried to lose weight before but it hasn't been working at all. i know having had two kids definitely makes that harder but it's not like it's impossible to lose weight after pregnancy so. idk.

she's also contributed (and was the main force of it alongside my grandparents) to the dietary neglect i went through so i think i can get on a high horse for a second and acknowledge that i'm already trying my hardest to be better than my upbringing. like that's fine of me. i'm allowed actually

that day i'm talking about was kinda. disgusting to think about honestly. she was having a rough day at work and texted me saying she's going to get pizza. and i said okay that's fun! because i'm not diet-crazy enough to refuse a good pizza lol. but when she actually came home with the food, she had a pizza that was big enough for leftovers, two big boxes of fries, AND a bag of eclairs from the bakery. i had like 2 small-ish slices of pizza and left it at that because i felt satiated. and when i saw her later she was still stuffing her face with food. it was rough. i hope she never does that again but if she does at least i'll get to feel good about not giving in and refusing to binge

i wish i could just nudge her into the direction of basic cico and maybe some exercise just so she could feel more at peace in her body... just going on walks together would be so nice but she gets so tired so quickly and her breathing is so heavy...

[halcyonmachines]

on a more positive note i really am starting to feel better and better about my body and it feels so nice. ofc being trans makes that more difficult but at least i feel a bit more in control than i used to back when i was at my highest weight. i even have a bit of a jawline and collarbones now? and my ribs are kinda visible when i inhale?? soooo weird. but in the best way.

[halcyonmachines]

i can't believe i made this blog specifically because of one post that annoyed me. lol. anyway it vexes and surprises and shocks me how some subset of the "b-ody positive" movement has seemingly evolved from "you can do whatever you want with your body and you don't deserve to be harassed because of it" to "you should accept being fat, you're stuck that way because weight loss is impossible"

which is literally so fucking untrue. weight loss IS possible and the misconception that it's not comes from the idea that diets are temporary phases. they are not. weight loss, and trying to be healthy in general, is a lifestyle change and it is a choice one has to continue to make every single day of their lives.

saying that weight loss is impossible makes me feel hopeless and stuck as a person who is trying to be healthy after years of dietary neglect in childhood. so you can imagine my frustration when people who are claiming to want what's best for people make literally untrue claims for the sake of "positivity"

it's okay to want to lose weight. it's possible and making small changes to your lifestyle can make it pretty easy in the long run. it's really not that difficult. and i will keep going and i will be happy!!! this is a threat !!