halosnothere

[halosnothere]

hi, i live in the lower seattle/outskirts area and am entirely undocumented, have 0 friends and no one at all who would notice or not expect my disappearance. basically, im disabled and mentally broken beyond what anyone can reasonably handle or get, and am completely void of purpose, and so i just want someone who can put a nice end on all of this, no matter what it takes. absolutely no limits as long as you can get the main deal done. i don't care who or what you are. I'll even offer the last of my cash since i have no one else to give it to at the end of this. if you want to coordinate something in a nicer fashion somewhere safer for you my signal is halotica.71, and we can figure out something more covert shortly after. serious only ^^ id use a different site if i knew one. this post will be deleted when i find a lead or give up on my own.

[halosnothere]

would archiving your blog help? i'm not experienced in it but it must be possible? i hope you dont delete, but if you do, i hope it will at least help you. <3

thank you. that might, but im not sure how to do that. if anyone would actually want our account to stay up for some reason id figure it out because i still just want to do the right thing, but rn i honestly dont feel like we will survive another week, deletion or not, even until this one thing we have planned. its just too much, and i don't want to keep screaming about my death on here because i know it makes people scared of being attached to us, and id like to not scare people. so archiving or deleting yeah, i just need to figure out a way to stop myself from talking

[halosnothere]

im gonna miss you. im sorry i dont have the prose to make my pain beautiful enough. i hope you'll all forgive me with the silence of my leave

[halosnothere]

u and i r in similar positions. u dont have to delete if you feel like it will destroy u, ur allowed to vent. sending u love . stay safe

thank you ♡ the point in a way *is* destroying me. no one likes this me, so if i delete i could either die or i could maybe have a chance trying a new personality, one that doesnt scare people. but i would have to lose the little of a "life" i could call memories, y'know? i want to make friends and escape this situation, but whenever i vent or need help they leave. sending you love as well, may you find a way out better than i have <3

[halosnothere]

and before i delete or run away or whatever i wanna say, i wish i couldve asked for help. ik other people can do that when theyre suicidal, and maybe they won't have to be alone with their pain *every* day, or maybe someone would show them theres a *reason* to stay. the reason i think people surely dont see me as an actual friend is because im not allowed to ask for the littlest bit of support. i just need some amount of help during a hard time after so much stress and none of this would have happened. but im sorry

[halosnothere]

i know we were super intense and emotional and scared people off when we were terrified throughout our leaving, and idk. i rly wish we could make it better. i wish anyone understood how hard it was to get out of there both times.. now that i scared them away way back then i just, have nowhere to go in these circles cuz we're all entwined. i get it. i ruined this.

im gonna message some ppl i used to know my apologies for me n roach before i delete, and then figure out when this next hangout w my old sister is, and then if nothings better after the dissociation waiting until shes here, and nothing has changed in that week or whatever, then i will genuinely end it in a way no one will find out. i dont wanna make it anymore public even tho no one will see it ill stop talking about this until i delete tonight. im just. I'm trying to make it right, i really have been.

[halosnothere]

hiii everyone im going to be driving across the country to seattle in less than two months, if anyone could chip in towards my gas and food it'd mean a lot!!

if you'd like venmo instead dm me please xoxo

also if any mutuals would like me to stop by or take them with me (assuming theyre on the way) lmk !!! ill see what i can do! i love you

[halosnothere]

im really scared for later tonight. idk whats gonna happen after i delete because this is literally my only outlet to other people at this point of being ignored and terrified . having no outlet is just gonna make it even worse, somehow. i feel like im gonna do something worse than dying before. im really scared and no ones even gonna know bc no one will realize that i deleted.. i know im gonna be forgotten and i know no one cares but im just. fucking terrified

[halosnothere]

ive only ever wanted to be good and to actually exist thats it. i cant even do that right

[halosnothere]

luigi water torture punishment

[halosnothere]

I've been searching so hard for a reason to stay these past few weeks, believe me, i dont think there is any at this point though. i had hopes, and dreams, but none of them are accomplishable in this state. i maybe had something once, but i took it for granted and lost it and my mind along with it and now no one will trust me with anything again. now even if i had dreams, none of them matter or really exist, because they all have to go behind the bodily need to have any sort of connection with another being, and i just. can't break myself out of this space. cant stop thinking long enough to ever write anything, or try learning to draw, or cook more, or go out at all, it's just trapped me and i dont know what to do but maybe no one does and thats why no one would tell me. what can i do at this point beyond finding a way to be put out of my misery or just. ending it.

i know that saying that only pushes people away because its scary but i needed it to not be scary because i wish anyone knew. but there isnt. all i get to hear on the few occasion i get heard is that no one can save me. but others who are suicidal get the care of mattering to their friends and being shown love, while im not anymore, because no one can even trust me, don't trust me for what im not sure. to not kill myself? to be sane? i try my best to be good. and i cant save myself either, when im stretched this thin. i really did try to but I'm not that strong. i lived until now and did everything i could to escape my abuser and keep this life going no matter whos at the wheel, you'd think that'd be enough for the world to know that you have a soul. but i dnt think mine will ever be recognized

[halosnothere]

been trying to write something all day to see if theres still any like. chance of me making it but i can't get anyy fucking meaningful words down. its just a stream of near-random words that dont even have something theyre going towards because i have no strongly built ideas. i can't just attach myself to purposeless writing and i dunno what else there is.

[halosnothere]

hey yall, last week i had to help a stranded friend with gas money to get home and now im 100$ in the red, could i get some help balancing my books?

ppal unscriptedrhythms

vmo and c$happ xeratohera

[halosnothere]

If you're dating a transfem, especially a butch one or a tall one or a big one you gotta just... not treat her like something to be afraid of. Like in a world where we are constantly painted as rapists, aggressors, hysterical bitches, and monsters you gotta fuckin stop and wonder how many times your girl has defanged herself. How many times has she dipped her shoulders and bowed her head because she was scared of being 'the bad one'? How many injustices and slights has she let slide because she wants to be soft and to be loved?

What does it do to her when you're too scared to have the hard conversations with her? How does the person you love feel when you show her even at home she is reduced to a potential for violence? If you avoid her, what thorns and poison does she imagine within and around herself?

If you want to love us, give us the dignity of trust. Talk to us like reasonable adults and let us feel. Don't dodge us while you find the right words to say, don't scatter eggshells on the floor then make us feel guilty you're walking on them, don't use trauma as an excuse to traumatize.

[halosnothere]

my throat's the perfect size for tonguefucking btw

[halosnothere]

i think thats probably the most summary and non emotional explanation i have really, that and just. i hate that people can assume so much of us thru this when its half the story most of the time and just us talking to ourselves. bad practice but what can we do really.

[halosnothere]

but even then, i know the process. id just come back even worse, dissociate for weeks or months or however long, with somehow even less connection or knowledge of coping mechanics than i have now. there just isnt an escape, i dont know what to do. even the fucked up girls who relate to my situation can at least like, express their thoughts or actually have anything to say if they did get the chance. im on a crossroads because i really do wanna try but I can't see *how* to try. whereas i can see how to just give up

i tried to do a rebrand of everything to see if i could use that but that didnt work either. I've just broken down and been beaten down so severely and for so long that i dont think i could ever really start talking about other things or even have normal thoughts again unless i just, delete everything and destroy whatever idea of a self this is entirely.