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Breaking Dawn, Book 2 Part 1
In which nobody knows what they’re deailing with.
Let me tell you a little story.
In 2015, I had to do a university project on Boys’ Adventure Stories as a group presentation. As the only girl in the group, I got to look at the books from a feminist point of view. I also had to guess which books in the library were boys’ adventure stories, took a pile out (of which sadly only three have stuck in mind - Northern Lights, the first book of the His Dark Materials trilogy, Stormbreaker, the first of the Alex Rider books, and Artemis Fowl, the first book in the series of the same name), and sadly never got to read those books. Shame. It didn’t help that I had to read Gold of the Gods, the very book that inspired this very blog.
Anyway, after looking random stuff up on TV Tropes, I decided to put that wrong right, and am now looking up the books I failed to read two years ago. I don’t think any of them will end up on Too Long; Didn’t Read. I’ve finally read the first Artemis Fowl book, and no, it’s not going on this blog. Expect it to be referred to, though.
I would far sooner be reading that than Breaking Dawn. What you’re about to see is from the Book of Suck. I’d have hoped it to be one nice long part, but I’m afraid you’re going to be mistaken. I never finished book 2 whilst I still had Breaking Dawn. I ran out of patience at chapter... Oh, who cares? You do. Wait a second. Even the Book of Suck won’t tell me what chapter I stopped at.
I lost patience at the end of Chapter 12. Goody. That means I’ve got another... 27 chapters to go before I can wash my hands of this stuff. Well, shit.
Buckle up, kids.
And after that long intro, let’s kick this one off.
1. Preface. ‘Whiny crap’, I said. It’s mercifully short.
2. Italics for the wolf mind meld. Oh no. I took the decision to speed read those bits, and it seems nothing of value made it out of the actual page. Apart from Jacob being called out for being a horible person
3. Let’s meet Rachel Black! Yeah, Jacob’s sister has not appeared once in the story, and of course she makes her debut now. No, I know nothing about her. I asked, ‘WHY THE HELL HAVE WE NOT SEEN RACHEL BLACK BEFORE?’ She’s not really plot-relevant, and sadly nor is she here. She just exists to be the girlfriend via imprint of some guy named Paul, so I’m just going to pretend they don’t exist from now on and just move on.
4. Reigns vs Reins. The term ‘free rein’ is spelt without a g. Whoever proofread this must have been blinded by dollar signs, that’s my only explanation for this one.
5. The Quil and Claire scene. Remember these guys from Eclipse? If you’re new to Too Long; Didn’t Read, then you’ll know that Claire is Quil’s girlfriend via imprint. She is also two, something which sent me to the Great White Telephone. I’m not sure what the point of this scene is, but Claire’s parents? Please teach Claire you can’t always get what you want, because Quil is never going to teach her.
What we do learn is that imprinting is basically mind rape. Ick.
6. Oh, the Protagonists are Horrible People. Yeah, they really are. They’re now lying to Charlie - who is blissfully aware that he is about to become a grandfather - about Bells’ pregnancy. I think he’d want to know. The story is that she’s sick - which would only DRAW A PARENT CLOSE. Jesus Christ, not only do we have protagonists who I can now no longer call heros if I ever could, but they’re STUPID AS ALL HELL.
Villain Protagonist is not a bad trope, mind you. It can work.
Here... it doesn’t work.
Also, dipping into more TV Tropes language, Did They Think Charlie Couldn’t Feel? Gaah.
9. Medical consent, people. Jacob bas even less right than Edward to force an abortian on Beells. He’s not related.
10. What has Leah done? Seriously, everyone seems to have it in for her. What did she do? Did she invent Comic Sans? She’s snarky, so no, Leah’s not letting me down in being an OK character.
11. Crazy idea. Edward comes up with one - having Jacob be a sperm donor - and because plot, it won’t work. He’s called out on this, but then it leads to the next point -
12. Jacob failing to sound his age. He does not sound like a 16-year-old. No freaking way am I buying that narration.
Again, I’m not saying this is a bad thing - if it’s justified (case in point - Artemis Fowl) . Where’s your justification, Jacob?
13. Snarky Chapter Titles. Unforunately, the snark came out wrong. The only one that vaguely amused me was Chapter 10′s title, and that’s only because it’s right - Jacob is an idiot.
14. This is pregnancy on drugs. Bella has turned into an optimist. She’s normally a really, really pessimistic whiny person. Uh, what happened? Who or what happened? (Any suggestions are to be placed in the comments)
15. A Midsummer Night’s Dream. It doesn’t go like that. I can’t remember the full thing, but whatever interpretation you used, you got it wrong.
16. More rules of science are being torn up and set aflame. Why would the ultrasound not work? And also, whilst I dropped Biology 8 years ago, I’m pretty sure chromosones don’t work like that.
17. More headdesking. I don’t know a damn thing about artificial insemination, not being a farmer. It’s not really being handled well here. If Bells wants a kid and can’t really have one, couldn’t they get a vampire to be a surrogate (Not Rosalie, though)
18. That fight will never happen. Nuff said.
19. Everyone also hates Rosalie. Is it because she’s blonde? If so, someone needs to get over themselves.
20. The narration. I’ll get this elephant in the room out of the way - this narration is worse than Bella’s. Yeah, I know, can’t be unsaid.
21. In-laws. Doc, Bells is your daughter-in-law. This means she is family. Got that? Yes? Good.
22. Exposition that must break medical rules. Doc Cullen is now telling Jacob a whole pile of stuff that, as a friend of the expectant mother, shouldn’t really be finding out from him. Patient confidentiality, just saying.
23. Robbing a bank. Robbing a blood bank. Whilst, you know, there could be a blood shortage and people could be dying due to lack of suitable blood. Do I even have to say how wrong this is?
I’ll be back next week, if not with another part read, the long awaited Why I Won’t Review entry for The Host. In the meantime, I think I shall cheer myself up with something funny.
POSTSCRIPT: Remember my review of The Princess Diaries: A Royal Disaster? Well, I expleained the plot to my mum - who said it didn’t make sense at all. Looking at the plot again, yeah, sense is something it’s lacking. Thanks, Mum.
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Apologies
You’re probably wondering why I’ve gone absent without leave for the pas couple of months, and I’ll explain this here.
First of all, not long after I wrote The Princess Diaries 2 review, I went home for the Easter break. During this time, I only brought one book home with me - The Lightning Thief, of course.
Once I got back, being a uni student I had deadlines, a charity run and at one point a 4am train to catch.
Jacob’s section has also been borderline Hell to read. I’ve read part of it, and struggled so badly with motivating myself to read it Even making myself not review anything else until I’m done with Breaking Dawn.
And that was the cue for even more deadlines. And forms.
I also no longer have my copy of Breaking Dawn, having donated it to charity because I would never live down going to uni and bringing back a Twilight book. I still have the Eragon books, mainly because I never got around to reading them.
I am out of the country at the moment, seperated from even the Book of Suck! So I can’t review. At the most, all I can do is a Why I Won’t Review.
I also have more deadlines. One of which is my dissertation. (MA student here)
So I’m going to have to fit my reviewing around that. I do have plans for the future of the blog - I’ll be reviewing the rest of The Princess Diaries, Eragon and its sequels, and Caddy Ever After.
Apologies for this. And also welcome to all the new follwers I got! So happy to see you here.
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The Princess Diaries: A Royal Disaster
In which our protagonist becomes the eye of the storm.
This book has 3 titles that I know of:
1. The Princess Diaries: Princess in the Spotlight
2. The Princess Diaries: Take Two
3. The Princess Diaries: A Royal Disaster
Since the copy I got from the library was A Royal Disaster, I’m going with that. I know there’s some marketing reason for that. But that’s not what I’m here for. I’m here to review the actual book. Or at least point out what’s wrong.
So let’s go!
1. Continuity. Helen’s pregnancy and Mia’s Genovian TV appearance come clean out of nowhere. The Genovian TV appearance should’ve been mentioned in book 1. Helen’s pregnancy should’ve been foreshadowed. But no, neither happens. So both come clean out of nowhere. At least New Moon had the excuse that there’d been a time gap between the end of Twilight and the start of New Moon. In The Princess Diaries there is no time gap! It’s the direct sequel.
And when the frigging Twilight Saga makes the same mistake as you and has an excuse (albeit not a brilliant excuse), then you’ve got a problem.
I’m giving that as a retroactive one for the first book.
Another one? Oh yes. Philippe and Clarisse don’t agree on a lot. They have only agreed that a) Mia should try fois grois and b) Mia shouldn’t get her bellybutton pierced. Both are presented as the only thing they’ve ever agreed on. Uh... no.
2. Mia. Well, let’s put it this way. Mia keeps going on about her mum’s health... which would be sweet if it wasn’t for the fact that it’s... well, it’s annoying and distracts from the actual plot. Also, Mia, your mum has been pregnant before.
3. The pregnancy reveal. Who the Hell tells their teenage daughter at such an early stage in the pregnancy that their pregnant? That’s a mistake, right? Wait until it’s confirmed, at least. Which leads to...
4. The interview. Of course Mia blabbed on national TV. The only reason why she didn’t get rehearsals for the interview was to make sure she’d blab out of nerves. You just knew it, didn’t you?
5. Clarisse. Let’s put yourself in Helen Thermopolis’ shoes. So, you’re pregnant, and about to marry the man you love. Your daughter has accidentally blabbed and now the whole country knows you’re pregnant with child number 2. And now the mother of your ex - your daughter’s paternal grandmother - has decided to plan your wedding. And she is nothing like you. She’s invited a whole load of people to your wedding who you don’t really know, and would rather your actual friends just stayed outside, and invited the parents you can’t stand...
And Clarisse doesn’t get why Helen’s not happy?
And may I ask....why doesn’t Clarisse talk to Helen? She talks to Shirley, Helen’s mother, but not Helen herself.
6. Mia’s own life. She’s just the catalyst here. The biggest problem she has is trying to figure out who’s emailing her, and of course she doesn’t know who it is, and of course the answer is right in front of her the whole time. And it’s not who she wanted it to be.
Uh, am I supposed to care about that?
7. The Guy Who Hates it When They Put Corn in the Chilli. Never mentioned before, and yet he’s one of the candidates for being the e-mail sender? Makes no sense. Does he get mentioned again?
8. The dilemma in the story. Let me introduce you to an episode of Doctor Who called Boom Town. I know, I’m not brilliantly familiar with it. Anyway, a simple search showed that one complaint was that the moral dilemma didn’t really matter much since the decision wasn’t the Doctor’s to make.
So in this story, the dilemma... isn’t Mia’s. It’s Philippe’s. Philippe is the one who’s the go-between for his mother and his ex. He knows there’s no reconciling his mother’s vision of the wedding with his ex’s wishes. And he’s left with a decision: who would he rather not upset? His ex or his mother?
He decides that he’d rather respect his ex-girlfriend’s wishes, and helps her to elope. He probably knew that it would cause trouble with his mother, and probably would cause some trouble in his already-fractured relationship with Mia, but he had to do what was best. It’s very telling. I don’t know whether it’s intentional or not, but I get the feeling that Philippe still loves Helen, but knows he isn’t going to be the one who makes her happy - that person would be Frank, Mia’s algebra teacher. And he knows she doesn’t want this wedding, so he arranges for them to elope, and puts his relationship with his mother on the line. Course, the book ends soon after so we don’t know if Philippe gets hit with any consequences, but this offpage stuff makes him a thoroughly human character in amongst all the straw.
9. Awkward elements. Real people get mentioned here, and in hindsight... some of it is a lot awkward.
OK. So that’s this week done. Next week, it’s time for Breaking Dawn, Part 2. Will I have my rubber gloves?
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Breaking Dawn Book 1
In which the plot...has gone walkabouts.
OK, the Book of Suck has been very handy. Whilst I was reading Breaking Dawn, I made notes in the Book of Suck. I have 35 notes, covering 8 pages.
Eight. A5. Pages. Full. Of. Plot. And. Characer. Issues.
Breaking Dawn is an anomaly in the Twilightverse in that I actually wanted to find out if Bella ended up a vampire. So, I looked at the end of the book, because I didn’t have any spoilers and, at the age of 15, assumed that it would end with Bella as a vampire.
I was wrong.
This is the beginning of the beginning of the end. And I still haven’t found my rubber gloves. And... much soap was needed afterwards.
Also, I need to give you a PSA. Chapter 7 has several ethical issues, particularly regarding abortions and medical consent. It’s bad.
1. The preface. Bella asks, if you were being killed by your s/o, would you give them your life?
Nobody’s killing you, Bella. Not yet.
2. The Truck. Yes, Bella’s ancient truck. You know the one. First of all, when it failed to show up in the book - Bells is now driving what I dub the Gawkmobile, because everyone stares at it - I questioned what happened to it. Had it caught fire? Did it get in the crash?
No, it just broke. Or Edward sabotaged it. And then bought her the Gawkmobile. OK. Wait a second.
THAT TRUCK WAS A GIFT, DAMN IT! Let’s put it this way. Bella is about to give up humanity, and it means she won’t be able to see her parents. The truck was a gift from her father. She may want something very solid to remember him by. And it ‘breaks down’ (cause never known).
Also... nobody openly admires cars.
And how does anyone know that the car is
3. Staring. Nobody is staring at you. And if you didn’t want to get married, why did you say yes, Bells? I’m just going to headdesk.
5. Black Credit Card. How is this a status symbol, lest it be one for the super rich only? And how did a not-rich teenager get one?
Enjoy the mountain of credit card debt, kiddo.
6. Police Mess up. Charlie, if Billy knows that Jacob is A-OK, take the damn posters down. Put pictures on the corkboard. Decorate it like Homer decorated his workstation. Anything.
7. The Uninvited: Leah. Her mum was invited. Her brother was invited. Leah was not. DUDE, THAT WILL MAKE HER BITTER IF SHE CARES ABOUT YOU, AND IF SHE DOESN’T, SHE’LL BE MAD SHE WAS LEFT OUT WHEN THE REST OF HER FAMILY WAS INVITED.
8. Charlie and Renee. Sorry, Tumblr doesn’t do accents. Charlie takes it well. I thought for a second Renee’s reaction would be an off-page one, but nope, the anti-marriage Renee Something takes it fine, just to make everything easier for Bells and Edward.
To be honest, it would’ve been better if Renee had actually died, and that was why Bella had come to Forks.
I’ve seen that done, by the way. It’s the reason why Emily Benedict came to Mullaby in The Girl who Chased the Moon. And it worked fine. Especially since part of the dual plotline was Emily finding out the truth about what caused her mother to leave the town she’s been sent to.
10. Dartmouth. OK. This is actually combining two points from the Book of Suck. First of all, Bells accepted the Dartmouth place that was bought for her. Someone who worked their behind off to get that place didn’t get it.
And then, to make matters worse, Bells decides that she actually wants to go to college, and Edward suddenly says that he doesn’t think she wants to go to college.
If you don’t think she wants to go to college, WHY DID YOU PUT SO MUCH EFFORT INTO GETTING HER A PLACE?
I’m just going to swear.
11. Turning 19. Another combo point. At one point, Bella calls being frozen at 18 every woman’s dream. I beg to differ, having a sucky time at 18 with only a few bright spots. Turning 19 was fine. Heck, I consider 2nd July International 19-Year-Olds Day. The thing I disliked most about being 19 was spending my last day as a teenager attending yet another funeral.
Later, Bells changed her mind about not turning 19. Well, of course. Now she’s not going to want to be a vampire ever, right?
12. Jacob at the wedding. Edward has Bells meet Jacob as a surprise, making me hope that the whole wedding was Bells being trolled and Jacob was just picking Edward up so they can elope.
Of course it’s not. And Jacob has a fit when Bella says that she wants to get turned into a vampire after the honeymoon. Jacob, please leave the wedding and get some brain bleach. Just get over yourself.
13. The Geography Fail. Or rather, consistency fail! Rio de Janeiro isn’t on the west coast of Brazil, because Brazil doesn’t have a west coast. It’s on the east coast. Yet... within two sentences, it’s simultaneously on the east and west coast. The editor missed a trick there.
14. Isle Esme. What a name. Honestly, couldn’t it be Esme Isle? Or Esme Island? Whatever, I’d rather be on Tracy Island than there.
15. The swimming. Seeing as we don’t see Bella actually put on any swimming garb, I’m assuming she’s skinny-dipping, which means I’m just going to go to my happy place and check the Miami Open scores. BRB. I’ll just leave you with a tennis gif whilst I check.
And now I’m back.
16. I almost forgot... The plot of chapter 2 is... Soppy dialogue, Edward is dragged away, Bells remembers the Denali sisters who I’ve never heard of before and they talk about immortal children.
OK. This is the last book. I have no idea who the Denali sisters are.
Hapless Human considers putting an appropriate metaphor in, but then remembers how immortal children are created and thinks better of it.
Oh yeah. THEY’RE CREATED BY TURNING SMALL CHILDREN INTO VAMPIRES. BASICALLY, DRINKING THEIR BLOOD AND EFFECTIVELY KILLING THEM.
Wait a second. A telephone is calling. The great white telephone.
And the concept of immortal children was never mentioned before. Someone fired the gun without telling us that there’s a gun to be fired in the first place!
Oh, then we have nightmares. Bells needs a shrink.
17. Stereotypes. Enter stage left, cue unfortunate implications, I need say no more.
18. Alice and Renee. Alice is a sister-in-lawzilla. She’s ended up being more of a bridezilla than the actual bride!
And as for Renee... she’s so OOC about the wedding I think she’s been possessed.
In the Book of Suck, I said I’d insert the relevant gif. So I shall. Anti-marriage person planning a wedding with the groom’s sisterzilla? I think we need a facepalm,
19. Part 1 of Chapter 7. Bella fails at cooking, and is sick and is convinced she’s pregnant. SEVERAL LAWS OF BIOLOGY HAVE BEEN TORN UP AND SET ON FIRE. Also, we have to talk periods. They’re very irregular, especially in the early days. I should know, I’m a woman and can’t predict my periods from one month to the next. If my period was five days late, I wouldn’t assume I was pregnant.
20. Vampire fertility. You can’t have male vampires be fertile and females infertile. Either BOTH are fertile or BOTH are infertile. Anything else is sexist.
So... Bella turns down calling on a local doctor (because needles) and decides to phone Carlisle. And Carlisle decides to tell all the diagnosis to Edward. This has been done on The Archers. It failed there. The pregnant woman’s diagnosis was told to her abusive husband and he used it to guilt trip her.
They split up.
Unlike that pregnancy, Bella’s pregnancy is a genuine accident.
21. Pregnancy making you want kids. Bells has this happen to her. I quite honestly believe that the “you don’t want kids now? Just wait till you’re pregnant!” argument is a myth. And I actually want children someday.
22. Edward’s reaction. He’s not to thrilled about being a dad. In fact, he wants Bella to have an abortion. He’s basically told Carlisle that’s what’s going to happen, WITHOUT consulting Bella, who is CARRYING THE GOD DAMN BABY! If my RE classes are anything to go by, the father doesn’t have a say in whether an abortion happens or not. And since Bella’s the one carrying the baby, what she says goes. IT’S HER BODY, NOT YOURS YOU IDIOT!
...Urgh.
Anyway. Next week, we’re doing the second Princess Diaries book. It won’t make me sick, I hope. And I hope I’ll have the rubber gloves for part 2.
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Rebel Girls: The Rant
I know, I should’ve done this on International Women’s Day, but I never thought of it at the time. I was going to combine this with the review of The Exiles, but when writing the review, I realised this is something that needs an entry of its own, and if that means delaying the Breaking Dawn review a week, then so be it. I need the extra time to locate my rubber gloves anyway.
That’s not the point. Recently, I was on Facebook and a video posted by Rebel Girls. They did an experiment (I say this whilst resisting the temptation to put single quote marks round the word) in which they removed all books from three shelves which had no male characters, no female characters, female characters that don’t speak and princesses. Then they talked about their non-fiction book, about real-life women who took their destiny in their own hands, saying that this might fix the problem!
Uh... Right. This is not the first time I’ve seen a study get used to sell a product (looking at you, Persil), but this one pisses me off more than most. I wanted to comment on the video on Facebook, but it would’ve been one in a sea of comments, and to be frankly honest, what I have to say about this is too long for your average Facebook post. So that’s why I’m posting my right to reply here, on Too Long; Didn’t Read.
I’m going to start with the flawed solution. To basically summarise this video in one sentence, it’d be, “We think there are no books about girls who don’t have to be rescued by a man, so we wrote this non-fiction book about women who didn’t need to be rescued by a man!”
...Wait a second. You’ve found a gap in the market, and you’re not filling it? Sure, writing a book about real women who have overcome real problems is one thing, but that’s not filling the gap you’ve found. When you find a gap in the market, you freaking do something about it, you don’t leave the gap for someone else to fill.
By the way, if that’s a call to authors everywhere to do this, I’m answering that call.
Secondly, the experiment itself. The mum and the girl in the video just pick the books off the shelves. You just can’t do that without actually looking at the content - with the exception of the princesses one. These were three bookshelves of fairly narrow books. No way could they have just picked them off the shelves, which makes me wonder if the experiment was rigged.
Shocking, I think that’s my first Tinfoil Hat moment.
Then there’s the princess one. There’s a lot of hate aimed at fictional princesses, and I can understand why, because of the stereotype that they’re just passive characters waiting for their prince to come. However, removing all books about princesses is a bad case of throwing the baby out of the bathwater.
First of all, there’s the Enchanted Forest Chronicles, which I really like. The main character is someone who ran away when she learnt she was going to be married to a man she loathed, learnt fencing, magic, Latin and cookery against the wishes of her parents, defended herself against magical creatures and wizards alike, and with the help of people she’d befriended along the way, foiled an evil plot.
She is also a princess.
In that experiment, Dragonsbane and Dragonsearch would’ve been removed from the shelves just because the main character, Cimorene, happened to be a princess.
Then there’s The Princess Diaries. For all I dislike about them, Mia is not the kind of princess who is waiting for a prince. Yeah, she whines about not having a boyfriend, but she’s also a teenage girl. It’s not her fault she’s a princess, she’d give anything to be normal and can’t give up being a princess because her overbearing grandmother decided to tell the press that she was a princess.
In that experiment, The Princess Diaries and its nine sequels would be removed. Just because Mia’s a princess.
Then there’s one other thing. I don’t know if it’s still the case, but I have heard it’s tricky to get boys to read (a point I shall return to). In my early days reviewing children's and YA fiction, I reviewed Gold of the Gods by Bear Grylls, a book I still dislike. Yet when I look on Amazon, most of the reviews are by parents or grandparents who bought it for their son/grandson, and found that it got them into reading.
The lone female character, Christina (who is the only character I actually liked) was a damsel in distress and nearly had her earrings stolen, and when she protests, her brother is asked he minds her earrings being borrowed. She is treated with nothing but contempt by the main character (who I marked down as a Marty Stu).
That book, by the rules of the experiment, would’ve stayed on the shelf. Because Christina speaks, and she’s not a princess.
Thank you, Jean-Luc.
We have now got to the point where I reference Dragons’ Den. In the recent series, a woman came in with some dolls that fell deep into the Uncanny Valley and came with stories about the dolls’ characters. The stories were empowering women stories, of course. Anyway, she said she did this because she couldn’t find toys for her daughter that weren’t stereotypical girly toys. I figured she wasn’t looking hard enough.
And when I see Rebel Girls saying they had never read any books that had female characters not having to be helped by a guy, I say they might not have looked hard enough either. There are tons of books out there with strong female characters. The Chalet School books for one. Jaqeuline Wilson’s books frequently feature female characters who take matters into their own hands. The Harry Potter books have some very competent witches.The Famous Five are two boys, two girls and a dog. There’s also the Shirley Holmes books (yeah, they were books long before the awesome TV show came out). Then there’s The Hunger Games. God I would not mess with Katniss Everdeen. And I don’t think I’ve even scratched the surface there.
Then there’s, as I’ve mentioned above, the troubles with getting boys to read. The book Rebel Girls are trying to sell is aimed at girls. Perhaps it should be aimed at boys, too? They might learn something useful, too. Lessons about important women shouldn’t be limited to girls, you know.
Last of all: “If you see it, you can be it.”, and the mention that children’s media - be it books, cartoons or TV - is dominated by men. I disagree. There are plenty of TV shows, cartoons and books with female protagonists. You just have to look. There’s the books I’ve already listed. There’s a whole load of kids’ TV shows with female protagonists. With cartoons, it’s a bit harder, but ever heard of Mona the Vampire? In fact, I can think of a lot of 90s TV shows where the protagonists are female. And I’m pretty sure it’s still the case now (Wolfblood, anyone?). You just have to look.
OK, that was a long one! As you can tell, a few buttons were pressed there. Before I go, I’m just going to explain how things are going to be for the next few weeks.
You may remember that whilst I explained why I wasn’t going to review The Short Second Life of Bree Tanner, I said this:
“The copy I got at a charity shop only just fits in my quarantine box.” before vowing to explain why I had a copy of Breaking Dawn in the first place. Well, now the time has come.
I got the copy of Breaking Dawn for ease of actually reviewing. The other books I’ve been reading at bookstores (kindly don’t shoot me), but Breaking Dawn is so much of a brick that I thought it’d take too long if I did that. And Breaking Dawn is handily split into three books (thank you, Stephenie Meyer, sorry I’ve been spelling your name wrong), so I decided that each book will get its own review. I also have a copy of The Princess Diaries: Royal Disaster (or Take Two depending on where you’re looking). This means I have a provisional schedule for the next seven weeks. It goes as thus:
25th March: Breaking Dawn, Book 1
1st April: The Princess Diaries: Royal Disaster/Take Two
8th April: Breaking Dawn, Book 2
15th April: Breaking Dawn, Book 3
22nd April: Why I Won’t Review The Host
29th April: Eragon
This is still very much a provisional schedule, as I’m waiting on a reservation at my local library, and am hunting down a copy of Caddy Ever After.
See you next week.
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The Exiles
In which selfishness abounds.
OK, I guess most of you guys may not have heard of The Exiles by Hilary McKay. You may be familiar with the Casson family stories she wrote later. I haven’t read much of the Casson family stories, but to me the most interesting one seems to be Indigo’s Star. Having just looked it up on Goodreads, though, I am wondering at which point glandular fever stopped being known as glandular fever and started being known as mononucleosis. I only found out that mononucleosis = glandular fever by chance.
The other books in the Casson family series don’t really interest me as much as that one, though I did hear a common complaint that Rose was a bit of a creator’s pet. She does get two books, where as Indigo, Saffy and Caddy only get one.
This is not a problem with The Exiles, because there’s only three books about them. What it does share in common is that there are four children, their last initial is C (C for Casson, C for Conroy) and the fact that only one book really catches my interest - in this case, it’s The Exiles, but The Exiles At Home is dangerously close to interesting me.
The Exiles focuses on four sisters, Ruth, Naomi, Rachel and Phoebe trying to deal with the age old problem of ‘be careful what you wish for’. There’s not much else I can say about the plot before going into the list, apart from saying when I was in my teens, I read this and enjoyed it. Reading it again after I picked up a copy cheap at the library... I realised I’d read and enjoyed something incredibly flawed. (It doesn’t help that The Exiles is actually the lowest-rated book of the three, surprising since it’s the first of a series)
So, I guess I should start a list. It’s going to be a short one.
1. Mr and Mrs Conroy’s selfishness. No adult with any relationship to the Conroys who is given any page time come off very well, but Mr and Mrs Conroy take the cake here. They and their four daughters have been left some money. Instead of doing the sensible thing and setting up accounts for their children so that this money would come in useful in the future, they decide to pool all the money together and spend it on the house.
And of course, they don’t tell the girls about it until it’s too late, and the way they break the news makes the girls, for one brief moment, think they’re going to get something. All they get is two very pissed off adolescent girls (which is a bad idea), an upset girl and a very confused little girl, who still thinks she’s going to get some money.
So they pack the girls off to their grandmother, thus kicking off the plot. Well... honestly, that could be the biggest sin of this book: the parents really are the most selfish characters here. And unfortunately, if they hadn’t thought their children would agree with them, the plot would be lying dead in the water. *sigh*
Also, painting the girls’ rooms pink... Uh, you could’ve asked them in the letters, right? *double sigh*.
2. The Cumbrian Landscape. I’m not going to lie, Cumbria is a very pretty part of the world. I’ve been there a lot. But I’m not sure if it’s used to its full effect here. We could’ve seen so much about life there, and about Mrs Conroy’s childhood and give her more character than the selfish parent I’ve come to dislike. We could have seen Big Grandma show the area where she and her children grew up. But no. Doesn’t happen here.
Having said that, what we do see is lovely. And the mention of all the rain? Oh, yeah. It’s the wettest part of the country.
3. Big Grandma’s motives. Why would such an avid bookreader want her grandchildren... not to read? Well, logically, I can see it making sense if the reasoning was so that she could get to know her granddaughters and not have to take their heads out of books all the time.
But it isn’t.
Her motivation... is because she thinks too much reading sends people daft. Uh... hello? I think I should work the word ‘hypocritical’ in there somewhere, but fortunately, Hillary McKay did that for me. Thanks.
Big Grandma paid a heavy price for that.
4. Naomi and Rachel. They’re pretty much interchangable, to the point of which it’s impossible to speed-read if you want clarity. I couldn’t remember if it was Naomi or Rachel who broke her arm (it was Naomi, as I found out on the second re-reading). Ruth and Phoebe have the most distinct voices as the eldest and youngest respectively. Ruth has to take charge a lot, and Phoebe is constantly asking questions. Phoebe is probably my favourite, with Ruth a close second.
5. Phoebe’s name running gag. We’ve no clear date for when it’s set, so I’m going to assume summer 1991, as that’s when the book was published. Phoebe is I think about 5/6, and when she was born, Phoebe was a very rare name - as in out of the top 1000 kind of rare. (Jessica was the number 1 girls name) In 1991, Phoebe was ranked at 860 - below Gretchen, which was ranked at 597. At the time, the “Is Phoebe even a name?” gag probably was funny, but it’s aged dreadfully. Phoebe is now the 22nd most popular girls’ name in the UK. Whoops. Bit of a case of Unintentional Period Piece there, but I’m noting it down on yonder list because it needs clarifying.
OK, that’s it. I’m afraid I’m going to have to postpone the Breaking Dawn review for one more week (I know, how terrible), because there’s a little rant I want to do before I get around to doing Breaking Dawn. But don’t worry, I’m prepared for the trainwreck.
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The Princess Diaries
In which straw abounds... and also a pinch of stupid.
OK, first of all, hello netzoomude1972. Thanks for following!
I know, you’re probably looking at me funny. Apparently, The Princess Diaries by Meg Cabot is supposed to be funny (and OK, it does have its moments, though I much prefer some of her other books). Sadly, whilst I was in the age range I quickly got sick of Mia moaning about her Algebra homework, and didn’t get to the part where the reveal is.
Reading it the full way through, Mia’s narration proved to be a welcome relief after the endless dry narration of Bella Swan and now Jacob Black, so reading it in one sitting wasn’t actually much of a problem for me. However, reading it through made me notice how the plot rests on a major bit of stupid on Mia’s part, and lands me with a major beef with this novel.
Also, Mia as a short form of Amelia? New one on me.
Anyway. Allons-y!
1. Mia’s Grand-mère. Let’s start with Clarisse as a person (that’s her name). Clarisse has a tendency to trample everyone else underfoot. In some cases, someone being the human embodiment of a hurricane or tornado isn’t a bad thing ... if they’re on your side. But Clarisse spends most of the book treading all over Mia’s principles and opinions, and trying to define ‘real women’ to her. That gets onto another point, but I’ll get onto that later.
The other part is grand-mère has a hyphen in. In The Princess Diaries, there is no hyphen. Meg, I really like some of your work, but maybe you should’ve checked the French out before publishing.
2. French Errors. I’m pretty sure there are a few typos. ‘Tes’ shows up where ‘mes’ should be, for instance. There’s the aforementioned missing hyphen. I’m not sure if it’s French errors on Meg Cabot’s part, errors slipping through the editing net or Mia getting things wrong. It’s hard to tell.
3. Mia’s vegetarianism. OK, this is where I have a bit of beef with this novel. (And yes, my use of that word is ironic). Mia is a vegetarian on principle, something I should like about her as a vegetarian myself. Or is she? You see, she seems A-OK with eating fish.
Which means that Mia is not a vegetarian. She is, according to my research, a pescetarian (sorry, it seems I just channelled Dorothy Ann from The Magic School Bus there). Big whoops there, Cabot.
4. Is it me or is... the cast made of straw? This is, with the exception of Mia’s dad, her friend Tina and her best friend’s brother. Helen, Mia’s mum, is a straw left-wing artist. Lilly, Mia’s sometime best friend, is a straw feminist. Grand-mère is a straw royal. Mia is a straw veg pescetarian.
And then there’s Lana and Josh, who are your typical popular kids.
It’s not a good first impression, that’s all I’m saying.
5. The bit of stupid. The plot basically hinges on Mia, on looking up the royal family in Genovia (it’s not a real place, so don’t go looking stuff up on Google Maps), doesn’t connect the surname of the prince there (Renaldo) to her own father, whose surname is, what a coincidence, Renaldo. I’d award a high mark for stupid on there, because since she spends summers with him, she could always ask her dad, “Hey, dad... just out of curiosity, I did this project for school on Genovia, and the prince there has the same surname as you. Are we any relation to them?” Then have him explain this. That’s the first part of the plot fixed.
Then have him explain that because of his cancer, there’s a chance she might end up being heir to the throne (poor Philippe. Ordinarily, he’s not the kind of character I’d feel sorry for, but I really do feel bad for him, considering his mum and his illness).
Then have him explain that the treatment has rendered him sterile, and she’s the heir.
That should, with subplots, fill one story. Book two could be her coming to terms with it all. OK, it would have ramifications for the title, but I can see how it could work.
However, all that explanation is squeezed into four diary entries, probably just so Mia has all of that information crashing down on her at once, and cranking up the shock value for Mia.
Only it’s not a shock for us. The title gives the whole thing away and it makes Mia look like even more of a ditz than she already does.
At least the stupid doesn’t break the plot.
OK, next week, it’s the turn of The Exiles. It does not have plot-breaking stupid. Thank God for that. After that, be prepared, because I’ll have the Book of Suck and a nice pair of rubber gloves ready for Breaking Dawn.
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Why I Won’t Review: The Short Second Life of Bree Tanner
Well, where do I start?
Oh yes! Hello megabeeftaco! Thanks for the follow, it is much appreciated. Hope you enjoy the reviews that will be coming in the next few weeks.
I’m pretty sure that having a title that is half a mile long (in contrast to it being the shortest book in the Twilight-verse) is not a good enough reason, but this one... Well, there are some good reasons why I don’t want to review it.
First of all, there’s its length. Normal Twilight books are bricks, Breaking Dawn being the biggest brick. (The copy I got at a charity shop only just fits in my quarantine box. I’ll explain why I have a copy of Breaking Dawn and a quarantine box later) The Short Second Life of Bree Tanner is positively anorexic in comparison.
Also, it’s not as well known as the other books. All the ones with Edward and Bella - I can find them easy. This one? You have to go looking for it. And after scouring the charity shops for Breaking Dawn, I really didn’t want to go looking for Bree Tanner.
There’s the, uh, plot, too. It’s basically about our title character, Bree, and a guy called Diego, not realising that someone doing bad things is the villain, not getting the Hell out of Dodge and dying for their silly error. And I’d just have that point to go through.
All my information, by the way, comes from Wikipedia and TV Tropes.
What I got was that Bree was a homeless girl who got turned into a vampire to be part of a newborn vampire army who’d then be killed afterwards. Bree is a potentially fascinating character. I mean, think about it for a second. Here is someone who’s had a hard life, who’s ended up on the streets, struggling to get food and shelter, and then ends up being turned into a vampire against her will. It doesn’t change the fact she’s still struggling for money. It does change her diet (from normal food to blood), and it does mean she’s functionally immortal now. She’s basically a streetsmart vampire.
Sadly, she’s in a Twilight story. It has an adverse effect on her IQ, and as a result, lifespan.
The other reason is more personal. There’s only so much Meyer-writing I can handle, and the four main Twilight books are all I can take. It’s a major reason as to why I won’t be reviewing The Host. After Breaking Dawn, I will be done with Meyer-writing.
There’s not a lot more I can can say, really. Other than I’ll be back next week; the next two reviews on schedule are The Exiles and The Princess Diaries (not necessarily in that order - I’m tossing a coin as to which gets done first). After that, it’s Breaking Dawn time. I will make sure I am positioned close to the Great White Telephone for that little bunch of reviews.
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Eclipse, Part 9
In which there is a fight.
Well, at long last. I’ve finally come to a point where I had to promise myself nachos for finishing. I also had to promise myself Death in Paradise after doing this review, and have prepared by watching a clip from series 2 of Raven. Specifically the one where Skiha beats everyone she fights in Long Staff.
You’ll see why soon enough.
So, let’s go through this...
1. The fight. Might as well get it over with. Yeah, basically it’s Edward and Leah’s brother Seth vs Victoria and some random vampire called Riley. Lots of metallic crunches (are vampires in this universe made of steel?) and amputations later, Riley and Victoria are in bits and on fire. Bella, on the other hand, has spent the whole time contemplating injuring herself with a nearby rock to distract Victoria and Riley (because Edward got over the ‘Bella’s blood is my drug’ thing, apparently) AND DOING NOTHING.
Oh, apparently it’s a bad idea to mention the words ‘severed head’. I think Bells may have failed Biology. She called it an oval.
2. Bells wants to forget everything. She thinks that by getting Edward to fight, this’ll happen! Well, I can think of another way.
Wait a second whilst I get Mr Cricket Bat.
3. The Volturi randomly turn up, and kill a random vampire called Bree. There’s not much more I can say about this. Bree’s probably an innocent. Let the lass be, that’s what I say. Apparently she’s the titular character of The Short Second Life of Bree Tanner, but I’m not reviewing that one. (And I will explain why next week)
4. The words ‘asking for it’ come up. God damn it, Edward Mr Starey Cullen, there is a reason why I won’t review Asking For It. Those three words make me gag.
Though, in this case, Bella was actually asking Jacob to kiss her...
5. Jacob is an idiot. So Leah is winning a fight against a newborn vampire. Jacob decides no! Girls can’t fight! and knocks Leah out of the way, breaking every bone in his right arm.
Warning: Hapless Human is about to reference something obscure.
You probably haven’t heard of Jo of the Chalet School. At one point, Jo decides to go to an ice fair, despite the headmistress saying NO IT IS NOT ALLOWED. So... she goes anyway, crashes into another skater and hurts herself in a way that she’s badly bruised and is on bed rest for a while. She’s told by the doctor who came to her rescue that she made her own punishment. And she did. She ended up very bored after a while, having run out of books to read, is lent some more... and writes a whole pile of fanfic.
Just go with it. (Joey, incidentally, whilst being a bit of a sickly girl, is no damsel in distress. She rescues damsels in distress)
Anyway, what I’m saying here is that for being stupid, Jacob has a lot of broken bones. Should’ve just let Leah finish the fight off.
6. Alice goes one step too far... no, make that three. Never having been engaged myself, I don’t know what wedding dress shopping is like. Nor will Bella. Alice sorted out the dress for her, and looked snottily down on wedding dress shops everywhere.
Alice, it’s not your wedding. Also, you’re being a bigger bridezilla than some ACTUAL BRIDES. You count your lucky stars Bella actually liked the dress.
Oh, and Bella’s got the engagement ring back on.
7. Jacob’s stupid knows no bounds. OK, you’re probably wondering why I put Jacob being stupid in twice, but there’s a reason. Firstly, because this is a different kind of stupid. Secondly, because this acts as a Take That Me as well as a Take That Jacob.
Yeah, having a crush on someone and ended up losing out? Been there. Not even bothered to try and get over it? Been there. Got called out on it? Been there.
(As a result, I now have a very deep dislike for the song Someone Like You, and still want to yell at my 17-year-old self.)
Jacob, in the epilogue, is getting called out by Leah for not getting over Bells, and at one point complaining they’re affecting her dreams. Jacob... well, basically doesn’t have one good word to say about her, has a vindictive swipe about her ex-fiance, and then basically stops listening and goes home.
Where he gets the wedding invitation, whines and runs away. Geez Louise, what kind of hint will this guy take?
Hapless Human’s answer: None.
OK, and with that I finish Eclipse, and not a sorry moment too soon. Next week will be a Why I won’t review as a bit of a breather episode and maybe another review, then we’re onto Breaking Dawn.
(As opposed to Breaking Bad, a show I didn’t hear of until its very last episode. Whoops.)
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Eclipse, part 8
In which everyone changes hemispheres for the night.
I couldn’t exactly put ‘In which logic happens to other people’ again. Also, nothing has happened much! Oh, and everyone is stupid. And things get way too chilly IN JUNE.
I know, it’s silly, so let’s get it over with.
1. Alice, SHUT THE HELL UP. Alice pulls the ‘if you loved me’ line on Bella. She’s not happy that Edward and Bella - offpage of course - decided to elope to Vegas (OK, that’s news to me) and Bells had returned the ring (why, Bells, why?). Alice isn’t happy because she wants to be the wedding planner and plan a big ceremony that I bet isn’t going to reflect what Bells or Edward would like but what Alice wants for herself.
Honestly, what I’d do is say, “Alice, if you want to be involved in the planning - fine, but I’d like to take control of most of the planning - it’s my wedding, after all, not yours.”
Bella doesn’t.
Oh, and everyone goes out camping to deal with the newborn army. Finally, someone does something.
2. And nobody brought a heater because...? The cold doesn’t bug the vampires because reasons. The cold doesn’t bug Jacob et al because they’re pretty unhealthily warm. It does bug Bella. Why didn’t they pack a heater or, uh, LOTS AND LOTS OF BLANKETS!
By the way, I’ve been camping in a really cold place before. I ended up wearing three layers of clothing, and was sleeping curled up in a sleeping bag.
But then again, this is plot induced silliness on the part of the Cullens. Because it just provides an excuse for Jacob to warm Bells up in bed.
(Don’t get any ideas, kids - they didn’t, of course)
3. Jacob, your advice isn’t wanted. He advises Bella to basically two-time Edward. Personally, I think Bells is Edwardsexual, Course, Jacob’s probably saying this because he fancies Bella.
4. So is your guilt trips. Naturally, he decides to go on what he thinks is a suicide mission because... Bella doesn’t love him? And he wants a goodbye kiss from her?
Wait a second. I think I may need to punch both Jacob and Alice. BRB.
5. That was stupid, Bells. She kissed Jacob. If Edward finds out, he’ll Hulk out. I’d say, “Pass the popcorn”, but I think that’d be my cue to ask for the Hulk to deal with this guy, then ask for the popcorn. Or maybe pizza.
OK, this is the big one...
6. HOW IS BELLA RECOUNTING EVERYTHING JACOB AND EDWARD ARE SAYING WHEN SHE’S SUPPOSED TO BE SNOOZING!
Yeah, Edward and Jacob spend most of chapter 22 talking about how they feel about Bella. She falls asleep early on, but the scene carries on.
This is where first-person narration fails. It really needs to be third-person narration. Also... it does nothing to advance the plot, so it really needs to be excised, methinks.
7. Chatper 22′s name. I wouldn’t point it out, but I just can’t let the fact that it’s called Fire and Ice. Sorry, that’s a tennis documentary. And it sounds way more awesome than this trainwreck.
I’ll be back next week with the last four chapters.
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Eclipse, Part 7
In which logic is a thing that happens to other people.
Let’s just press the pause button for a second. What is going on with the plot at the moment? Oh yeah. Nothing. We’re up to chapter 16 of this trainwreck, SOMETHING SHOULD’VE HAPPENED.
In the meantime, real life happened, I had a pile of assignments, a nasty headache and a missing memory stick. Fortunately, the assignments are done, the headache is gone and the memory stick is back in my possession. However, we’ve still got a few chapters left. Today, we’re doing chapters 16-20. And this is going to be a bit wonky today.
1. The graduation ceremony. Graduation isn’t a thing that gets covered in books very often. There is a graduation scene in Girls in Pants which is pretty funny, and not at all depressing. You see the girls and their extended families, and even for those who hadn’t read the other books, in that one scene you get a hint of what the dynamic in the girls’ families is like. It’s a pretty good scene. Not one ‘oh boo hoo, high school is over’
However. The graduation scene in Eclipse is a bit... depressing. Because Bella is narrating and she whines about everything. Third person narration would work way better in this story.
2. Edward, please shut up. He told Bella that Leah’s a werewolf, before bitching about her. Uh, let’s consider. Her boyfriend dumped her for her cousin. Her cousin is now scarred for life. She’s lost her dad. She’s dealing with being a werewolf. Edward, of all people, should be sympathetic to some of Leah’s problems, AND HE ISN’T. Mr Cullen, consider yourself to be smacked in the face.
Also, Leah’s the one who should tell if she’s a werewolf. Not you.
3. Skewed priorities. OK, so there’s a newborn army of VAMPIRES heading in who-knows-what direction, and your first priority is you have nothing to wear? Why didn’t you go shopping, Bella? *headdesk* Whilst I’m at it, Alice, there is a door. Use the door. Not the window.
4. The bracelet. I’m not sure what it is, whether it’s Jacob hijacking the graduation party he’d been uninvited from (don’t look at me, Black, you’ve only got yourself to blame) just to give Bells a bracelet, or Edward hijacking said bracelet with a charm of his own that is more expensive than anything Jacob could possibly have. I think the latter annoys me more.
Also, I’m pretty sure when Edward found out about the bracelet, he turned positively emerald. He’s jealous. And the only green person I’d like to deal with is the Hulk. He seems nice, as long as you’re not shooting at him or fighting him. (guys, don’t bother shooting the Hulk.)
Screw it. I’m going to ship Edward and Jacob.
5. The self control lesson. I sped-read that. Because it does nothing, doesn’t advance the plot, and isn’t as funny as vampires playing baseball.
Nothing in this series has been as funny as vampires playing baseball.
Oh, and the wolves have joined in. Cue affectionate nicknames like ‘bloodsucker’ and ‘dog’. Uh, with the two teams claiming to be on the side of good getting on so badly, I’d say that hands the advantage to the newborn army.
6. Bella, no means no. Bella wants sex. Edward doesn’t - not yet, anyway. Bella’s still pushing. HE SAID NO. NO MEANS NO. BOTH OF YOU HAVE TO SAY YAY. Did you pay attention to the stuff about consent at school?
7. The engagement. OK. Anyone rooting for Jacob and Bella to get together? If so, stop it right now. He’s not going to ever end up with Bells, not now she’s marrying Edward. (Because sex)
8. Worst. Proposal. Ever. First of all, Edward suddenly, out of nowhere, decides that he and Bella are engaged without actually, you know, proposing. It’s only at the end of the chapter when we get the actual proposal, even though you all know she’s going to say yes.
Yeah, I don’t expect there to be any drama with the engagement. Even Bella’s marriage angst won’t break this one off. But Edward, you propose first before declaring you’re engaged. Now shut up and let Bells go to Alaska. (Bells is way safer in Alaska)
So, hopefully next week, with the help of the Book of Suck, I’ll be able to finish this book off. Here’s hoping!
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Eclipse, Part 6
In which... it’s time.
Before I start, I’d like to give a shout out to all-my-spaceships-up. Thanks for following me! I hope you enjoy the reviews!
Anyway, today I’m going to review chapters 11-15. I know. Five chapters, I’m spoiling you! This one, however, is quite possibly the first Twilight Saga review I’ve had to issue a trigger warning for.
In preparation for reviewing Twilight, I’ve looked up reviews of this pile of... well, I’d say bullshit, but that’d be an insult to bullshit. Chapter 15 in particular comes with a reputation, and is known for that one moment where a certain character forces himself on Bella. If this sets you off, please do not read this review.
For those who have chosen to stay, I’m just going to warn you, I’m going to get shouty here. ESPECIALLY with the aforementioned chapter 15. I’m going to do my best here.
Also... a drinking game (I’d recommend softies only this time). Drink every time I say I want to punch a character in the face.
1. An erratum notice. Back in New Moon, I reckoned we’d never hear about Harry Clearwater ever again, but I was wrong. Seems Charlie’s been visiting Sue, Harry’s widow, and he has two children, Seth and Leah.
Oh, hi Leah. I’ve heard a lot of good things about you. Don’t let me down.
2. The Third Wife Story. I sped-read chapter 11, so I can’t say a whole load of it sunk in, but... from what I’ve heard, this apparent legend isn’t true, it was just made up for this story.
See, kids, this is why it’s important to do your research. That way, in years to come yours truly won’t pressing the BS Button.
2. Alice, please, STOP. Ah, you may take a drink now. I want to punch Alice in the face. Why? Bella didn’t want a fuss made over her graduation. She said NO PARTY. Guess what? Alice has organised a party, whether she wants one or not (and didn’t invite Jacob, which is just as well since chapter 15 happened).
Bella has promised not to enjoy it. Well, I guess it’s her party and she’ll cry if she wants to... I’m really not looking forward to that.
3. Edward, please, STOP. Yeah, I don’t think he’s ever going to stop breaking into Bella’s room and watching her sleep. Someone should ground him. Take a drink now, guys, because I want to punch Edward in the face.
JUST STAY OUT OF HER ROOM, IDIOT! IF YOU WANT TO BE WITH HER ALL THE TIME, GET A TUBE OF SUPERGLUE AND GLUE YOURSELF TO HER.
4. The random Info Dump that is chapter 13. Another chapter I sped-read. Mainly because Jasper is the Worst. Storyteller. Ever. Jasper is basically going through his whole backstory for the benefit of us, the audience and Bells, the outsider. For one thing, my prep for this review tells me that Jasper’s backstory suffers from Critical Research failure (just as the same prep told me Rosalie’s did). And I can see a fix for it! Just have Jasper say, “After I was turned during the civil war... yadda yadda yadda.”
Make that two. The other is actually fixing the backstory. Though I honestly prefer the first one, because we don’t need to know Jasper’s backstory any more than we needed to know Rosalie’s. What we needed were the tactics of newborn vampire armies (which sound freaking terrifying, though I am speaking as someone who had a childhood fear of vampires), how they work and them start to try and work out why they’d be going so far north.
5. Bella’s getting doubty. She’s not sure if she wants to be a vampire right now, and is pretty uncertain about being ready for it. I call bullshit on that, since I’m pretty sure that she’s going to decide that she does want to be a vampire. The doubty bit just comes clean out of nowhere. Now, I actually don’t want to punch Bella in the face for this. The person who I want to punch in the face for the second time (take another drink, guys) is Edward, who made her feel like he knows her better than she knows herself, which is something that just pisses me off. Nobody has the right to claim, “I know you better than you know yourself.”
6. The bet. Yeah, this is the bit of chapter 15 that’s often forgotten. Two vampires (I forget which ones, but they’re Cullens) made a bet over how many people Bells would kill when she’s a newborn vampire.
Take two drinks, because I want to punch both of them in the face. Though, since Bella is never allowed to fail at anything, my prediction is a big fat ZERO.
7. Love Triangle Confirmed. Jacob fancies Bella. Let’s all just unleash our inner Jean-Luc Picard and facepalm.
OK... better get this one over with. Just a second...
No, that wasn’t the great white telephone calling.
8. That kiss. As everyone knows, Jacob kisses Bella even though she made it pretty damn clear she only sees him as a friend, is no way going to ditch Edward for him, and is telling him she doesn’t want him to kiss her when he kisses her anyway.
OK, I was prepared for a nerve being hit there, because I’m going to put my hands up and say I’ve been through something similar here.
A few years ago, I had a friend who was probably the friend not on placement when I needed a friend the most. I was still in contact with friends via e-mail, thankfully. Anyway, this friend kissed me a bunch of times when I had shown no indications of wanting to be anything more than friends. Each time I was thinking, “How am I supposed to tell the guy that I don’t like him in that way?”
Yet he never outright said he liked me. In fact, he’d rather pretend the whole thing didn’t happen. I, however, remember. It’s a contributing factor in my skittishness about relationships in general (other jerks have played a part). But anyway. This is a thing, and it happens to people, and it is a bad thing.
Apparently, this scene was supposed to be funny.
One - guys, drink, because I want to punch Jacob in the face. (Bells, surprisingly, did punch Jacob in the face)
Two - this is for you, Meyer - FOR GOD’S SAKE! IT’S NOT FUNNY! I FIND MARK WATSON’S RANDOM RAMBLINGS ABOUT STUFF ON THE RADIO FAR, FAR, FUNNIER THAN THIS WILL EVER BE, AND THAT STUFF IS NEAR IMPOSSIBLE TO FOLLOW. PLEASE, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, PLAY THIS SHIT FOR DRAMA IF YOU EVER PLAY IT AT ALL!
OK, so Bella ends up breaking her hand because of Jacob, but he, wanting to keep his conscience nice and squeaky-clean, basically blames her for everything. He ends up driving her home, where he’s met with Charlie, and is asked to explain why Bells is hurt. So he says he kissed her.
Now, I was prepared for Charlie’s reaction. I think slapping in the face with the haddock of truth might be required.
This is probably going to be the last review of 2016. To be honest, as a year, 2016 sucked. The elections brought out the worst in us, as a tennis fan I’ve seen way too many flying pigs, and way too many people passed on. I’m glad to be done with 2016 in just over a couple of weeks. If I do post a review between now and then, it’ll be probably something that has required the assistance of the Book of Suck, or a Why I Won’t Review post.
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Eclipse, Part 5
In which pigs start flying and your esteemed reviewer calls on the Great White Telephone.
First, a sincere apology for the radio silence. I was desperately trying to win NaNo, complete an essay and on top of that, I had a touch of conjunctivitis (which isn’t fun), and thus I didn’t actually get anything read until today. We’re doing chapters 8-10, and I may start shouting. May.
Before I go on, I’d like to give a shout out to xgrammarqueenx. Thank you for following! I hope you enjoy this review as much as the others.
Here’s what went horribly wrong...
1. Only a few weeks to go. Suddenly, Jacob’s pissed off. Apparently, it’s only a few weeks to go before Bells gets turned, mainly because (horrors) she’s nearly 19. Bells, I really don’t know what your problem with turning 19, but seriously, it’s not a problem.
Course, this scene isn’t really about Bella here. No, it’s more about Jacob. He’d rather Bella were dead than a vampire, but to be honest, I think this scene is more about making Jacob look bad so Edward looks like the better option for Bella.
To be honest, not that Bells notices this (because she’s stupid), neither of them are a good option for her. She honestly needs a human. (Mike. Tyler. Maybe even Angela).
Of course, because obviously teenage girls need this spelling out (trust me, they don’t, unless they’re stupid), point two comes along...
2. Edward, did you just take some chill pills or did I just see a flying pig? No, seriously. With no foreshadowing whatsoever, Edward is suddenly OK with Bella seeing Jacob sometimes. Shame Jacob’s pissed off with her.
And he realised that all that stuff I mentioned in the last review - the fake sleepover, basically - was a big mistake. (I know, already) Yeah, I think I’m seeing flying pigs here.
3. Jacob grovelling. I’d love to know how he managed to try and explain the stuff to Charlie. At least Charlie did pass the message to Bells, and she did forgive him. Not sure what significance it holds for the plot.
4. There’s been a murder! Ah, hello plot! Long time since I’ve seen you! There was mention of murders in chapter 1, (chapter 1!) but apart from it making Bells and Edward decide they didn’t want to go to Seattle, it had no bearing on the plot whatsoever. Maybe I should consult my magic 8 ball to see if it can tell me how much impact these murders will have on the plot. But then again, it has told me that it’s just telling me what I want to hear right now.
5. Alice stands up to Edward. Apparently, she’s trying to keep track of all kinds of people, and Edward’s just asked her to track one person too many. She then takes the blame for some random vampire nicking stuff from Bells room... (she was innocent). Not before the werewolves get accused of the same thing.
6. Dartmouth. I may not be the hardest-working student of all time, but it really pisses me off that Bella manages to get into every university she applies to. Meyer, people do fail sometimes. Bella’s allowed to fail.
Only... uh... Bells didn’t actually want to go to Dartmourth. Edward sent in her application for her. By nicking her work and forging her signature... all of which I’m pretty sure is illegal. Bells, feel free to tell your dad this. I’d like to watch him go Papa Wolf on yo....
Oh wait, that doesn’t happen.
Allow me to share a personal experience. My housemates recently blue-tacked a letter sharing their grievances with me, accusing me of a list of things, some of which I was actually guilty of. At the bottom, there was a request to talk to me the next day - which I couldn’t, and said I couldn’t since I had an essay. I got a knock on the door the next day, requesting a talk - which I already told them I couldn’t do. They said that it didn’t matter that I didn’t want to talk, they did, so this conversation is happening.
Here, Edwards actions basically imply, “It doesn’t matter if you don’t want to go to Dartmouth, I want you to go there, so this application is happening.”
Oh, he also bribed the admission people.
...Meyer, this postgraduate student is headdesking right now. Because university applications don’t work that way. Cue a row that leads to Charlie worrying.
7. When at the bottom of a hole, stop digging. Ahem. It’s time to shout. HOW IN THE NAME OF HELL DOES CHARLIE FAIL TO HEAR EDWARD REPEATEDLY BREAKING INTO THE HOUSE, YET CAN HEAR A ROW THAT’S BEING CONDUCTED IN HISSES??? Plot-sensitive hearing is generally classed as a bad thing, unless Edward is a ninja and nobody felt the need to tell us.
Edward being a ninja doesn’t solve any of this book’s problems, by the way.
8. Jacob, what do you mean? I don’t get him saying that you can’t push something you don’t have. Someone, please, explain this to me. Does he mean his luck (I have worse luck than Jacob), or a relationship with Bella?
OK... I can’t avoid this any longer...
9. Imprinting. Jacob explained how imprinting works, and how a guy imprinted on her niece. She was very worried about it, given what happened to her and wanting no harm to come to Claire. Fair enough. Then... well, we find out how old Claire was when the guy (sorry, Quil) imprinted on her.
She was two.
Excuse me.
...Sorry. The Great White Telephone called. Urgh... Meyer, you’re not supposed to be making us all hurl.
And Jacob’s description of it doesn’t make things any better. I mean... it just sounds too... clinical. And still icky. She’s two. Hard to look past that. Just... ugh.
Now I’ve successfully called on the Great White Telephone, I’ll get on with my merry day. I’ll be back with part 6, and I hope nobody gets imprinted on, especially small children. Poor Claire.
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Eclipse, Part 4
In which your reviewer gets so pissed off, it’s time to start yelling.
Well, this time I can actually say I read 5 chapters. It was not fun. This was spread over two days, and once I’d been fed up with the stupid, I wrote all the stupid down in a book I have dubbed The Book of Suck. Consider the stuff I write in The Book of Suck as a first draft. Sadly, it seems the Book of Suck’s lists are going to be much calmer than the list I am going to present to you today. Yes, this is going to get shouty.
And rather geeky, too. First question. Where’s a vampire slayer when you need one?
1. The Florida Trip Erratum Notice. When complaining about the Florida trip, I forgot that the tickets were swiped in New Moon. So... when did they return? Continuity’s fun, isn’t it?
2. Why hasn’t Bella been fired? Let’s think, running away to Italy, anyone? I’m pretty sure she gave her job no thought, and no warning of her vanishing. Why did they keep her on?
3. Bells, stop crying to me about bad weeks. When a character says they’re having a bad week simply because their boyfriend is away, boo hoo, I have little sympathy for them (especially if that character is Isabella Marie Swan). So I have no sympathy here. Besides, things aren’t any better when Edward is around. They’re far worse.
4. Delusions of grandeur don’t suit you, either. They rarely look good on anyone, but it’s worse on Bella, who thinks she shouldn’t be human. To be honest, I will admit that Isabella does sound like a vampire name.... oh, that does it. If I ever write a lesbian vampire, I’m calling her Isabella.
And I liked the name Isabella....
5. What’s this about the Olympia Wolf? Honestly. Nobody mentioned it before. If I were a betting person (which I’m not) I might be tempted to put money on the seemingly-in-danger Olympia Wolf will never get mentioned again.
6. Protecting a mortal 101. Well, if someone’s being targeted by a dangerous vampire, I’m pretty sure that telling the target to go about life like she’s not being targeted by a dangerous vampire. I’d strongly advise teaching her some self defence. I mean, vampires know their weaknesses, so teach Bells the moves so she can protect herself.
Well, they find that doesn’t work because they feel they have to have Bells on a leash, so they try a new method; let’s have a slumber party!
OK, I’m going to be calling it a ‘sleepover’ from here on in, because I’m British. The words ‘slumber party’ give me a migraine.
Unfortunately... WHEN YOU’RE INVITING SOMEONE TO A SLEEPOVER, YOU ASK THEM THEN LET THEM ASK THEIR PARENTS IF IT’S OK FOR THEM TO GO. THEN THEY CAN PASS THE NEWS ON. I KNOW IT MAY SOUND CONVOLUTED, ALICE, BUT IT AT LEAST MAKES THE PERSON WHO YOU’RE INVITING NOT FEEL LIKE THEY’RE BEING HELD HOSTAGE FOR THE WEEKEND.
Yes, this was Alice’s doing, and Edward had a hand in it, too. I would like to know what made Charlie say yes, though. Did Alice bribe him? She has form. Speaking of...
ALICE, WHY DO YOU KEEP MAKING THE SAME MISTAKES OVER AND OVER AGAIN? WHY? HAVEN’T YOU HEARD OF LEARNING FROM YOUR MISTAKES, LIKE EVERYONE ELSE? YOU’VE GOT ALL ETERNITY TO DO SO, FOR PETE’S SAKE!
Urgh.
7. Jacob, please...you’re getting worse. Well, to think I used to think he was a good guy. The problem with him this time round? Prejudice, pure and simple. Though he does seem happy to see Bells. He seems amused that Alice can’t see Bells when she’s with Jacob, and is glad that her rebellious streak is still alive and well. They have a long talk.
8. Introducing Conjoined Chapter Syndrome. Whilst I might whinge about the length of the chapters in this God-forsaken series, chapters 4 and 5 should’ve been merged. After all, they’re pretty much the same scene, and there’s no cliffhanger or anything. I call CCS.
9. Time to facepalm. In the, uh, cat fight between Edward and Jacob, Jacob called Edward out on abandoning Bells, and told him exactly how upset she was. Bells makes Jacob promise never to do that again.
Jacob - trust me - you should. Often.
10. The Tailgating Vampire. So, Bells impulsively visits Jacob, and thinks that since it was a spur of the moment decision, Alice won’t know. Unfortunately, she does, and informs Edward, who rather stupidly returns from his hunting trip early.
He tails Bells half the way home. He tries to drag her away from her friend (Thingy, or as she’s known here, Angela. Please explain how your surname has a solitary b in it, Angela). He goes to Bells’ house, and parks his car so that Charlie and Bells can’t see it. He then sneaks into Bells’ room.
HOW MANY LEVELS OF STUPID IS THAT?
One, BELLA COULD’VE BEEN DISTRACTED BY THE BODY GLITTER AND CRASHED! (Fortunately, she’s not that stupid. Well, she did pass her driving test)
Two, WHY DID BELLS NOT SCREAM FOR HER DAD?
Three, HOW DID CHARLIE NOT HEAR A DAMN THING?
Four, WHY DOES EDWARD NEED TO CONTROL BELLA WHEN HE’S OUT OF TOWN?
Five, COULDN’T IT HAVE WAITED?
Angela is totally right. As inexplicably large her pile of invitations may be, he is totally jealous. The green-eyed monster has definitely struck. (Though I’m pretty sure most boys don’t have a raging jealous streak)
So, realising that if someone isn’t watching Bells 24/7, she’ll go AWOL, he decides to organise the slumber party. With Alice.
Right now, I wish Lynette from the Scott Pilgrim books would just punch Edward so hard he stops sparkling (but remains a vampire). I’m pretty sure she could do that.
11. Little bit of advice. Alice, the next time Edward asks you to do his dirty work for him, just say no. (That sounds like a drug PSA)
12. Bella, you’re not neutral. Chapter 6 is named Switzerland, which I wouldn’t normally comment on. The reason for its name? Bella is pleading neutrality when it comes to vampires and werewolves. I call bullshit, since she wants to be turned. Lamest excuse for a chapter name ever.
13. Why did Rosalie spill the beans? Rosalie decides to tell Bells the story of her getting turned. She was basically attacked and left for dead by her fiance and his friends, and got rescued. Her first act as a vampire was to get revenge, wearing a wedding dress. There was a lot of dead bodies, and she didn’t drink a drop of their blood.
Barring the critical research failure about the Great Depression, Rosalie’s backstory was quite an interesting one, and should’ve been in a book all of its own. However, we get it in a couple of pages here. And for no real reason, either. Why do we need to know all this now? It’s just.... padding.
14. Bella’s ageing berserk button. The most stupid berserk button ever, makes me want to sock her upside the head each and every single time she mentions it.
15. Now it’s time to let rip... EDWARD, YOU ARE LUCKY THAT BELLS BUYS EVERY LAST BIT OF THE BULLSHIT YOU ARE FEEDING HER. WHY DID YOU NEED TO KNOW WHERE BELLS IS WHEN YOU’RE AWAY? SHE’S TRYING TO LIVE HER LIFE TO APPEASE HER DAD - NOT THAT YOU GIVE ONE THOUGHT TO HIM. YOU DON’T SEEM TO CARE SHE HAS A LIFE OUTSIDE OF YOU. SHE ISN’T ENJOYING THE PARTY BECAUSE SHE FEELS LIKE SHE’S BEING HELD HOSTAGE! IF SHE MEANS THAT MUCH TO YOU, REMEMBER THAT SHE’S THE DAUGHTER OF THE CHIEF OF POLICE, STOP BREAKING INTO HER HOUSE, STOP FOLLOWING HER EVERYWHERE AND REALISE THAT THERE ARE OTHER PEOPLE OUT THERE WHO WANT HER SAFE TOO.
OK, now I’m finished.
Next week, I’m going to try to see how much more crap I can get through. With any luck, The Book of Suck may see me end this review. Right now, though, I require something awesome.
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Eclipse, Part 3
In which poor Charlie’s phone nearly blows up.
I have been pretty ill recently, so I haven’t had much of a chance to update the blog at all. Fortunately, I’m better now, and can update. Alas, I’ve only been able to read one chapter due to circumstances beyond my control. So, here goes...
1. What a bummer... Renee has noticed something odd about her daughter’s relationship, and who can blame her? She hasn’t seen her daugher in a while, and she sees what we see; someone who capitulates to her boyfriend at every turn. She of course, is told she’s imagining things. Bella doesn’t think about what’s said in the slightest, methinks.
2. Since when was Jacob a stalker? OK, so Edward and Bella have been to Florida, conveniently not telling us how Charlie changed his mind and gave them his blessing. Whilst they’ve been gone, Jacob has been calling and calling and calling... I bet Charlie was tempted to either pull the phone plug, call a friend who hasn’t died or take a fishing trip.
The reason for the calls? Jacob just wanted to check Bella would be at school the next day. Pardon me, but...creepy. And no, he gives no other reason than that. Because...
3. The plot demanded for us to be kept in suspense. Yes, as simple as that. Because if Bella doesn’t know, we don’t! Fortunately, Bella gets pissed off on our behalf, and basically tells Edward to cut the crap and tell her exactly what the Hell is going on. What is going on, then?
4. Victoria is back. Who she’s after, I don’t know (and frankly, I’m still wishing for Buffy Summers to show up and just END THIS) but apparently it’s something Bella shuldn’t know about because it might put the fagile flower in danger. Course, this was only revealed via Edward, because Edward and Jacob were arguing too much for any decent information to be revealed, other than they knew something that Bella didn’t.
Cheer up, Bells, most people aren’t Mystic Megs.
This chapter, thankfully, didn’t annoy me as much as the others. The good news is that I hope to have read a few more chapters by next Saturday. Hopefully illness won’t strike again.
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Eclipse, Part 2
In which breaking and entering the the local chief of police’s daughter’s car for the purposes of controlling where she goes is suddenly A-OK.
I’m so sorry. You have to motivate yourself to want to read some things. I have suffered a horrible lack of motivation to actually carry on with this review, mainly because every time I read anything from the Twilight saga, I feel one of two things;
the urge to read something better
an all-consuming rage about how stupid/abusive the characters are being
Today, I felt both. I had gone out setting myself the goal of read two chapters, maybe three. I could only get through one before I got pissed off and lost all motivation.
So, with that out of the way, let’s get started!
1. It took you long enough. Bella has finally put her foot down. At long last! She has refused to go to prom, and this time she’s been listened too. Don’t expect that to last, but hey, it’s a start. Three books in, we finally get her her atually stand up for herself. Shame it’s passed over in about one paragraph...
2. No, he’s not perfect. Bella is very whiny about all the prom stuff. Despite being apparently happy (I’ve got to the point where I actually don’t trust what Bella says about her mood. If I were reading Twilight out loud, I’d read Bella’s narration like she’s in a permanent strop), Bella finds something to whine about. Surprisingly, she doesn’t whine about her friends, and offers to help one with some invite-writing. (Her motivation partially being that she could fulfil one of Charlie’s conditions for being not grouded)
She’s not whiny about Edward, saying he’s perfect. But he’s no good as a mechanic.
Oh wait, if Edward was perfect, he’d be a good mechanic. And he’d actually know that her opinion counts for something. And he wouldn’t do that which will make me yell later in the review.
3. Alice, use your brain. You may remember that during New Moon, Alice and Bella went to taly instead of, you know, making a long-distance phone call. Bella said that she can’t really leave the country because her dad would kill her. Alice pulls a kind of face that says ‘that was my plan’. Alice, please. I should think a PSYCHIC VAMPIRE would know better than to make the same dumb mistake twice. Also, you’re trying to blend in. Saying that someone owes you a yellow Porsche in front of a normal human isn’t really blending in. Thingy, Bella’s Flat Character friend, I am so sorry about your friend’s boyfriend’s sister making you completely green and talking about cars only either a rich high school student or one who’d just won the lottery would be able to talk about. Jesus Christ, she’s stupid. (Alice, not Thingy)
4. Insert Insane Troll Logic Here. Now, I don’t know about you, but as far as I’m concered, unless you’re doing a big clear-out, packing or picking the right outfit for a night out, a girl’s wardrobe is sacrosanct. So guess what - Edward opens the wardrobe and sees that she hid her birthday presents in there. The two he notices most are the dead stereo and some plane tickets to Florida. (Since when did Renee and Phil move to Florida anyway? Did I miss a memo?) He insists on putting a new stero in Bella’s car, and insists on her using the plane tickets, since they’re about to expire, and it would hurt his mum’s feelings if she didn’t use them.
This , incidentally, is the same argument he uses for Charlie with very telling timing...
5. The Green Eyed Monster. Charlie, bless him, said he was going to visit his friend Billy for a party. Bella didn’t think she was going to be allowed to go, and with the Jacob situation, didn’t seem too keen on going. (Plus, with Bella’s recent history with parties, I don’t blame her for not wanting to go.)
Course, Edward, the master of overthinking things, then mentions the plane tickets to Charlie, uses the Insane Troll Logic to explain why, and has to deal with Charlie going Papa Wolf on him again, and Bella goes mad at him and whines in narration about how she’s being treated like a misbehaving child.
(...That’s what she is, right?)
The timing of Edward asking for permission for Bella to go to Florida with him is telling becuase he mentions it right after Charlie mentions Jacob’s dad. Seriously, is he so jealous that he can’t bear any mention of anyone who has anything to do with Jacob without, you know, changing the subject to him?
Seems it gets worse.
6. Fiddling with Bella’s car. I don’t know how many of you are familiar with The Cat Ate My Gymsuit, but there is a part where Mrs Lewis and her daughter, Marcy, want to go to Marcy’s theacher’s hearing. Mr Lewis does not want them to go, and removes a small but vital part of the car to stop them. That doesn’t bother Mrs Lewis one bit; she calls her friend who’s also going, and asks her to pick her up because her husband is being impossible. And then tells her husband that he knows where to stick the car part he removed.
Awesome. Go Mrs Lewis!
So, Bella decides to try and fix things with Jacob. Charlie is cool with it. (Bella gets on much better with her dad when Edward’s not around, by the way, though most teenagers would not describe sex talks as being beyond the seventh circle of Hades) The one thing Bella hadn’t counted on was Alice predicting that’s where she’d go, and Edward taking steps to stop her.
So, Bella goes out to her car, opens the door and -
“Isabella Swan, This Is Your Life.”
Sadly not. It’s Edward again, saying that Alice had as good as seen her go to visit the werewolves, and Lord knows she can’t do that, and he’s going to make sure that she won’t. And instead of yelling at Edward to get out of her car a la Hazel Lancaster in The Fault in Our Stars, she just accepts it. I think by now, Bella’s all but given up with standing up for herself unless it’s to do with prom.
Bella doesn’t even scream for her dad, who is a cop lest we forget. To be honest, I don’t know which Charlie would’ve come out with; a pair of handcuffs, a stake or both. But...
EDWARD, SERIOUSLY? YOU THINK BREAKING AND ENTERING YOUR GIRLFRIEND’S CAR IS ACCEPTABLE? IF BELLA WAS ACTUALLY AS SMART AS SHE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE, YOU’D HAVE BEEN DITCHED JUST FOR THAT AND ABANDONING HER! FOR THE LOVE OF CRAP, STOP BEING SO DAMN JEALOUS AND REALISE THAT SHE WAS MAYBE JUST TRYING TO GET SOME CLOSURE!
7. Bella’s still talking in her sleep, and Edward’s still watching her. I’m just waiting for the time when Charlie actually catches him, and goes Papa Wolf. Honestly, the only time when I accepted someone finding something out via sleep-talking was in Percy Jackson and the Lightning Thief, because it was accidental. (I will stop right there before I start gushing about how awesome that series is again)
I’m going to be back et Saturday with part 3. Hopefully, I’ll be able to have read more than two chapters of this trainwreck...I think I need to find something awesome.
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Why I Won’t Reivew: Asking For It
“Wait a second, Hapless Human,” you’re saying. “Where’s the second part of the Eclipse review?”
Well, it’s simple. I haven’t yet brought myself to torture myself with Eclipse yet. I might do soon, depending on if it happens to pop up at the local library, then I’ll let you know more of Edward and Bella being so all over each other that they forget to notice other stuff like the plot, signs of abuse, and so on.
So, I’m introducing a new segment: Why I Won’t Review. Today’s focus is Asking For It, by Louise O’Neill.
Now, you may remember I reviewed her debut novel, Only Ever Yours, becuase I wondered how it could win awards and yet split opinion when I looked up reviews. Asking For It has not had that honour. I do know the plot of the book, and how it ends, and those are the two reasons why I don’t want to review the book. I also read the author’s note, and found that the downer endings for both Only Ever Yours and Asking For It were deliberate; apparently having a ‘everything can be alright’ ending wouldn’t work.
And, Louise O’Neill, that’s fine. It’s not my choice how you choose to end your books. And indeed, it does frustrate. But it just doesn’t help with the message it sends; these horrible things happen to women, and if you try and do anything about it, you’re probably going to get blamed and have to alter who you are to fit them.
...What kind of lesson is that teaching?
Let me get this straight; Victim blaming is a thing. It happens. It shouldn’t. (Note; any victim of bullying told not to paint a target on their back - they’re being blamed for getting bullied, when it’s the bullies’ fault) It needs to be highlighted. Fine. But having such a downer ending where the bad guys as good as win? No. People need to know that this thing can be overcome.
When you have a confident hero being brought through a break-the-cutie arc (apologies, I go to TV Tropes) you want to see him/her come out of that traumatic period and come out of it stronger. You want to see them overcome the social pressure to fit in and say, “I am who I am, and not who you want me to be. Deal with it.” You don’t want the hero to capitulate to the social pressures not to put themselves in a position where they could go through the same experience all over again.
Going into TV Tropes language again, my response would be a Big “WHAT?”
OK, I’m not trying to say that all endings should be of the twee happy-ever-after kind with everything tied with a neat ribbon. When done right, downer endings can work well - I’ve seen them happen in Doctor Who. The Caves of Androzani has a downer ending. The Keeper of Traken has a downer ending. Logopolis has a bittersweet ending at best (my argument being that although the universe is saved, it’s at a cost and the Master is still out there... and also some security guards). Earthshock (which I’ve never seen) is famous for its downer ending. The same is true of Warriors of the Deep. (Could a Whovian please tell me the correct pronunciation of ‘Myrka’?)
And they work well in literature, too. Matched has a downer ending (the trilogy it’s the start of, however, doesn’t). Of Mice and Men has a downer ending. So does Things Fall Apart.
What makes these endings work? Let me make a list:
The Caves of Androzani has an ending that could be classed as bittersweet - the Doctor survives, Peri survives, but he’s never going to be the same again, and instead of leaving behind a world that’s on the first steps of solving its problem... he leaves behind a world that may well be on the first steps to solving its problems, but they’ve got to bury all the bodies first.
The Keeper of Traken and Logopolis have downer endings because they’re part of a sort-of trilogy (whose third part, Castrovalva has at worst a bittersweet ending). If there wasn’t a downer ending to the first two parts, it just wouldn’t work.
Earthshock came about to kill off a major character, which pretty much guarantees a downer ending. The reaction of his friends in the immediate aftermath (no, Time Flight, I’m not looking at you) is what makes it work.
Warriors of the Deep has a lot of dead bodies. Again, downer. I haven’t heard good things about the episode, but when trying to find a peaceful solution to a problem fails... Yeah. Not going to end well.
Matched has the same reason for its downer ending as The Keeper of Traken and Logopolis. It needed it to give the heroine something to get out of. The remaining two books in the trilogy have increasingly more optimistic endings without actually being happy - Crossed has a bittersweet ending and Reached has a very ambiguous ending.
Of Mice and Men and Things Fall Apart share little in common with their stories and themes, but both stories wouldn’t have ended happily because of the nature of their respective protagonists and their fatal flaws. Would Of Mice and Men been improved by George and Lenny getting their farm? No. Because of the way Lenny is, a happy ending is near impossible.
I could even say that Only Ever Yours‘ downer ending (the implications on what happened to poor frieda are pretty clear) works, becuase of the way the characters are. The world has made them the way they are, and unless one of the boys tried to change something, the same thing would go on. And on. And on.
But Asking For It is none of those things. It is trying to send a message. And it could easily be interpreted the wrong way. With a protagonist who is on the wrong end of sexual violence and ends up capitulating to the demands of other people to cover up for her own protection and being blamed for her predicament just because of how she chose to dress, it could easily be interpreted the wrong way.
That’s the other reason why I’m not reviewing Asking For It. I’m not a good enough reivewer to review something with such themes. Nor would I be able to comment without feeling like I’m trivialising the subject matter. What it’s dealing with, victim blaming and sexual assault? Serious topics. They have to deal with them in a serious manner, addressing how badly it can affect a person. But when it comes to its subject matter and its ending, all I can think is, This is why soap operas have a bittersweet ending with sexual assault storylines. The victim will have to live with what happened, but the villain will have been punished.
Next time, I’ll have suffered through enough of Eclipse to bring you part two.
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