happilyafternever-blog1

[happilyafternever-blog1]

Little Flower Girl

Over the weekend my oldest was honored to be the flower girl in a friend's wedding. She was beautiful with her hair curled, in her dress with her little cowgirl boots... I was almost brought to tears, and I am the kind of person who can't cry even when I want to.

We practiced twice at the rehearsal the night before and she did great. I was really proud of her.

The next day she didn't seem nervous at all. But I was beginning to feel some apprehension. What if she trips and falls? She might start crying and won't want to finish. What if she gets bored standing there and starts doing silly things like she so often does, i.e. singing or talking to herself or waving her little hands dramatically in the air. Nothing to do now but wait and worry and try to coach her to be still and polite and do as she is told.

Well, in short, she did great. She really did. I mean, she's six, so yes she didn't walk at the right time, or the right speed, and she got distracted by some bugs flying around when she was standing next to the maid of honor, but hey, overall she did great. And she was so happy. She kept asking me, "Did I do awesome Mama?" Of course I said she did and that I was so proud of her, and I was! But I learned some things about myself this weekend.

Even though I am a thirty something year old adult I still feel peer pressure. I thought I was passed this because I don't care too much if I am in style, or if I eat alone at work, or if I don't have a million friends to call up and hang out with on the weekends. But I feel the peer pressure through my kids. What do other parents think of me? Should I have coached Kallie better before the wedding? Should I have done her hair different? Should I have gotten her different boots? What should she know to do or how to be at six years old? Good grief it's like being in high school all over again! But the worst of it is, how am I letting my feelings affect my daughter? Do I beam with true pride at her when she does just half way good? Can she tell when I am praising her, but really thinking "you could have done better?" I used to never understand how parents could get so upset at their kids during a ball game, or a competition. But now I know. Not that I was upset with Kallie, not at all! But I can see how some parents let their own feelings come through and instead of looking at what their kid was able to do they look at what they didn't do. And I feel sorry for them. And I feel sorry for their kid. It isn't easy being an adult. And it's harder still being a parent. I hope to learn from my little flower girl and enjoy life a little more without the worry of how others may judge me.

[happilyafternever-blog1]

Fall Memories

So glad I took the time to be outside with the girls and watch them play this afternoon. It was warm, sunny with brilliant blue skies. 

We came home from therapy and had coffee with Mama (Grannie) and Aunt Karin. I had supper to make, clothes to fold, and school to do with Kallie (who is 6 and my oldest). But the weather was just too beautiful and the girls wanted to be outside, so we all went out. They wanted to play in the sprinkler and even though I thought it was a little too cool for that they really wanted to so I gave in. They danced and sang and made up all kinds of little adventures that I barely understood, but I enjoyed watching them. I put away my phone and just sat there watching them experience the joys of life as only children do. The dogs joined us as usual and even little black Figaro (one of our cats) ventured outside to lie on the sun-warmed porch and lazily watch them play.

 When we came inside their little feet were so grassy I put them in the tub to wash them off and they wanted to play in the tub for a while, so I let them and started to work on supper. Soon the smell of cooking hamburger in garlic and olive oil filled the kitchen. It was tacos tonight. I had made some lentils the other day with carrots. Delicious to me, but no one but Kaitlyn agreed with me. What was I to do with all those cooked lentils? Why stick them in the blender and then mix them with hamburger and taco seasoning of course! Healthy AND delicious and no one the wiser. 

The sun came in through the window, warming the kitchen floor. It was a subdued sun today. Gentle and calm, almost sleepy. As if she too understands things quiet down in the fall before winter’s sleep. The sound of happy girls playing filled the house. 

Baths done and supper eaten I got them ready for bed. Teeth brushed, stories read, the smell of lavender on their pajamas and the fresh scent of a fall day ending still lingering in their room, my sweet girls fell asleep content and hoping to dream of Shimmer and Shine and magic flying carpets. A beautiful day, a peaceful day. I pray to have many more of these and that when they are grown my girls will look back on them with the fondest of fall memories. I know I certainly will.

[happilyafternever-blog1]

In Short

I thought I had my life planned out. All my life I knew what I was going to do, who I was going to be, where I was going to go. I am not even sure where things started to go awry... but they did, and in a way I am glad they did. Because if they had gone as I wanted them to I wouldn't be who I am and have who I have in my life. I said "never" on so many occasions, to so many things that could possibly happen that I did not want to ever happen. And they did. Never say never. You may just be surprised how happy you can be with those "nevers".