happy-diary-thoughts

[happy-diary-thoughts]

10.17.2024

Today was better.

I woke up super late today and wasted a huge chunk of the day but when I woke up I was productive still. I did laundry, cleaned my room, and then napped because I was still tired somehow. I was waiting for bf to come home so that we could at least enjoy spending a little time together but the timing was off and the miscommunication was on and so we just skipped out on hours of spending time together because we were both playing the waiting game. Then I had to have my meeting with InnerMission to plan and the more we meet, the more I think things are starting to fall in place and the rest of the team sees excitement in the organization of all these things. I really hope I get to see my cafe come into Firebeat and do amazing things there as well. A great chance for a collab and open the doors for how we operate as a business.

As for him, I think we’re a little better in terms of being able to close the awkwardness and still have the space for him to recollect himself. I try to stay cool but I go through moods sporadically through out the day just thinking about him and the circumstances we’re in. He said maybe eventually things will go back to normal but for now, it’s just so hard for him. I hope that that means he really does still care about us. Missing him is like the feeling of nostalgia— best way to describe it. I hope it only goes up from here and we end up exactly where we need to be.

William is back! He’s excited to be going on a mini vacation this weekend to the cabin with the gwinnies. I’m so happy for him because he works so hard and I feel like he needs a little break. He always says he’s the type of person that needs something to look forward to in order to keep him going. So I’m gonna try to make this trip really fun and relaxing for him!

Anyway, that’s all for now. Hopefully I’ll still be able to write nightly even on my trip.

:)

[happy-diary-thoughts]

10.16.2024

Today was an okay day.

The usual wake up, eat and gaming. Last night was pretty sad given how we are supposed to be now. It was all murky waters and I didn’t know how to behave with you because I don’t know any different. And honestly, it hurts more seeing how okay you are with it; or how unfazed you are by the changes we’re undergoing. I know a part of you wants me to make the decision of choosing you ultimately but we also both know that that just can’t happen overnight, which is why we’re where we are right now. Nonetheless, playing with you today and not being able to laugh or talk like we used to killed me inside. And I had a breaking point. I just had to tell you. I had to tell you how I couldn’t sleep last night thinking about us and how much I just missed our normal. But even I knew that telling you meant nothing was gonna change. Yet, somehow, it did make me feel a little better. It made me feel like I could resort to my old ways of being psycho and smile through it. The good ole “fake it ‘til you make it” idea. And so I did. I mustered up the courage to call you and pretended like nothing was bothering me anymore. I wanted to do that so I could show myself that I’m okay but also to selfishly remind you that I’m still here and to not forget about me. Because I really hope you won’t. Anyway, we ended up being able to joke around again— with limitations— but still much better than the hours before. I hope we’ll find ourselves where we are exactly supposed to be soon. If you were here, I’d give you the biggest hug I could just to show how much you mean to me, no matter the distance. Oddly enough, it feels like we’ve been through a lot together and all of that can’t disappear overnight. And hopefully it never will. But only time will tell. For now, I just need to find my peace with you again.

On another note, my sister and I have officially started our own corporation! We’re one step closer to getting our shop and chasing our dream! I genuinely can’t wait and I just hope for a successful and happy adventure!

:|

[happy-diary-thoughts]

10.15.2024

Today was kind of sad.

Started off okay, the usual waking up, eating, gaming, etc. Didn’t get to talk to bf that much because the vibes were a little off already and he had work. Things took a sad turn towards dinner time when we were talking and somehow ended up at the point that things have to be different now— that things can’t go on the way they have been. Reading that, I was so mad but I know it’s true and so right. I carried on with the rest of my night, laughing and having fun with family thinking that by night time, things will blow over. When I got back home, we gamed a little bit but it was very brief. Then I wanted to go to bed early because I was already getting tired and the mood was heavy in my head. Now I’m in bed and I feel it. I feel the sadness, the emptiness, the feeling of missing someone I used to have. I see him in every TikTok video. “Let me send this to him”— can’t. Sad love songs pop up and it just wrings my heart out. Close to tears but won’t let it fall. Something about him brings out the nostalgia feeling of warmth and comfort that I loved when I was a kid, scrolling through tumblr — the era of listening to 2000s pop and knowing that there’s so much life ahead of me. He’s like Christmas night— with the fire crackling, snow falling, mittens and scarves on, catching snowflakes on your tongue, hot chocolate, and warmth. Something about him brings me back to that time and I loved it. And now, I feel like that part of my life has just been erased, leaving me with a gap and nothing to fill it in. I don’t know why I feel this way, and so strongly at that. Thank you, though, to him, for making the last 10 months so fun, sweet, exciting, and comforting. I mean it when I say I would do it all over again 100000 times over if I could just to experience it all like the first time. I don’t know if I can still be friends with him after this. Normally, with situations like this, I could, very easily. It’s part of my psycho 101 class I always tell my friends about. But this time, it feels different. It feels like the defense mechanisms I usually employ are now rendered useless. I just don’t know.

I take it back. Today was not a kinda sad day. It was sad.

:(

[happy-diary-thoughts]

10.14.2024

Today was a wacky day. I don’t know why I felt so tired throughout the day which made me so sensitive and moody. But I couldn’t be moody because my family wanted to go out to get dim sum together which was pretty nice. Then they went to Walmart but because I was so tired I just decided to go home. I played a bunch of tft while bf was working until he could join me later. I was on call with William just to keep him company as he was doing his work. I feel bad because I can tell how tired he gets from working and school so i just do what I can from here to help him feel better or laugh a little. I can’t wait to see him soon though! He comes back in a few days to come with me to the cabin trip in NY!

I don’t know why but I’ve been feeling a little down about bf. Maybe because I’ve just been needy and he’s been kinda a punk lately. But I think we ended today on a good note so things should be fine. Right now, I’m wondering if I need to be up early and prepare to do things with my family or not. I wasn’t told anything but I guess it’s good to be on standby in case they need food or something. Sadly I’m poor right now so I really shouldn’t be taking anyone out to dinner so I hope it doesn’t come to that. Anyways, I hope tomorrow’s mood is better than today’s.

:)

[happy-diary-thoughts]

10.13.2024

Randomly stumbled across this old tumblr account that I have and was reading through old posts which made me feel so many good things. All the nostalgia and innocence of times past. It really makes me wonder how many more versions of myself I’ll live through to become the final version. Maybe I’ll try to keep journaling every day here and see where this will take me.

Today was a big day for the NT family. My mom’s sister and her family officially immigrated to the US and have settled in to my house. I know my mom was nervous and anxious about it all (her privacy and sanity at stake with them coming over) but I think when she finally realized the bigger picture— her family is coming over to be with her— she was actually really excited. It was so sweet seeing those sisters reunite and smiling ear to ear. Without a doubt, I think this moment summed up why my mom has worked tirelessly here for the past two-three decades.

On the flip side, I fear that my dad might be having some reservations. Granted, he’s been kept in the dark for a while and knowing him, he’s the type of person that likes to know in advance to prepare himself the best that he can. On top of that, the fight between him and my older sister is still ongoing so the tension was definitely consuming the air. I feel really bad for him for some reason. I know something’s bothering him but he won’t tell me. He’s the type of man that remains polite and civil and won’t wear his emotions in his sleeve. But I know. I can tell. Something’s off. But I hope he’ll be able to resolve it on his own somehow.

Right now, I have the blessing of finding comfort and peace with two guys. William has always been and will always be my rock and sunshine. The guy that only knows how to smile and can do 100 different things just to make me laugh. And there’s bf, who will just drop everything just to hang and be there for me (online). I am so incredibly lucky to have people behind me, ready to catch me when I fall. Thank you thank you thank you.

One last thing— Saucy Saigon. The cafe that my sister and I are trying to open is getting closer to reality day by day. I can’t help but be nervous while feeling the greatest sense of joy. The fear of it not doing well haunts me but it’s a risk we are willing to take. Please, whoever’s watching us fill above, please let us be successful and happy in this adventure.

That’s it for now. I hope I can remember to return tomorrow and write more!

:)

[happy-diary-thoughts]

10.23.17

I have a lot of midterms and assignments coming up so I haven't really been able to enjoy my day. But I guess one thing that's good to know is that a few of my best friends are coming up this weekend and I can't wait to unwind at the end of this week!

[happy-diary-thoughts]

10.22.17

I don't really remember exactly what happened today but I think it was an okay day. There was a lot of AASA work to do, since the Halloween is coming up, so I pretty much spent the whole day doing AASA decorations and going to the meeting. After that, I went to go eat at Berk with AASA people and it was nice to kind of just talk. Now, I'm just sleeping at Eva's dorm. I'm glad Eva's not mad at me anymore for the TCSA Bonding thing.

[happy-diary-thoughts]

10.21.17

It was such a tiring day, but it ended okay. After waking up at 3PM today, I had a nice lunch with Brian. Then we went to CVS in Downtown randomly and it was relaxing to be outside of campus. Later on, I had to go to work for Homecoming and even though it was long, it still was a lot of fun. Finally, I went to Lewis to hang out with Justin and he was so cute because he messaged me and said, "My body is read," as in he wanted me to tickle his body again but unfortunately I was too tired to pursue it. In the end, I got a ride back to my room and then I bought some chips and ate. Good nighttttt

[happy-diary-thoughts]

10.20.19

I almost missed my discussion class today but thank goodness I rushed to it twenty minutes later. After that, I had to rush back up to my dorm to do an assignment that was due at 4PM, but then luckily, she granted me an extension so I just submitted it at 6PM. But before then, Doug asked me to grab smoothies with him at Harvest so after I showered I met up with him. We grabbed smoothies and ate lunch together, which he offered to pay for but it wasn’t needed! Then I asked him if he wanted to come to work with me and he said yeah so I brought him in and he just did homework while I was working– almost like a little kid. Then he left and I had to go do ticketing for an event. I was so hungry and bored that I just randomly asked if he wanted to go to downtown and he was down and even wanted to eat at a restaurant. We ended up going to Ichiban and we had a nice time there laughing and taking pictures. Towards the end, Lucas hit me up and asked me to come over and play League with him so the three of us just played League all night. It was nice seeing Lucas again, though I know things have definitely changed. I miss him, a lot. :/

[happy-diary-thoughts]

10.19.17

I had a chill day today. It was nice last night hanging out with Jen and Ben and Doug. We were matching and he kept hugging me and it felt really warm and sweet. Doug just wanted to make me feel better because I kept pretending to be jealous. Funny thing is, I don’t know why he even has to try to that extent. But I like it a lot, I guess! Today, I had to go to work at the SORC and then do decorations with the trainees. It was actually really fun getting to know them a little more and laughing with them. I don’t think we got much work done except for the planning. Then later on, I had dinner with Doug and it was really nice because every time we eat dinner together, we spend hours just talking and talking and it’s really nice. There’s just so much more that I want to know about it. That’s it for now. :)

[happy-diary-thoughts]

Lowkey, Jen was right. I love playing jealous and petty around you because for some reason, you always come running to me, cling on for a long time, and give me lots of back hugs. You know I love me some back hugs! And look at our coincidentally matching outfits. 🙄😒

[happy-diary-thoughts]

Last night was so spontaneous but it was super cute. I can’t believe you decided to join me in sleeping over at Eva’s! You’re literally so down to do everything all the time. Anyways, we slept on two different things– you on the couch and me on the mattress on the floor. But I don’t know why, when you got up this morning, you had your blanket wrapped around you and walked over to me said, “Get upppp” and just laid on me. So my first instinct was to just push you off and then we spooned and I had my arm around you as we fell back asleep. It was a nice moment that I wish I could have enjoyed more, but I was too sleepy to even care. It was really sweet ❤️ I hope our friendship continues to grow in all of these beautiful directions! I miss having a cuddle buddy around.

[happy-diary-thoughts]

I can’t get over how quickly our friendship is unraveling ❤️ At first I was really skeptical of your investment in our friendship, but I kind of see it as genuine care now. We’ve seen each other every day for a whole week, and on top of that, we are eating meals together and taking walks together at night. Now, you’ve even made a bet so that you can swear less! ❤️ What’s so cute is that you made up the punishment yourself, and going to the movies is my favorite thing! “…and I’ll go with you” haha so cute ❤️

[happy-diary-thoughts]

There’s something about you that’s refreshingly charming and familiar at the same time. You’re so loud and tough, but you’re such a dork and caring fella. Your cheesy smile, your attempts to make me feel better, and your constant efforts to prove to me you’re not a snake are just some signs to me that I wanna keep you! Keep it up, Dougie ❤️ You’re a good pal

[happy-diary-thoughts]

I can’t believe we actually ended up being friends, and pretty good pals too. It’s so strange and amazing how things turn out. Oh Dougie, you’re such a great combination of personalities, and I can’t wait to see how you’ll grow in AASA. I really hope you don’t leave but at the same time, if you do, it’s for the best for your future. I love you already, pal ❤️ I’m curious as to how our paths will continue to align.

[happy-diary-thoughts]

I can’t believe we finally got over our past awkwardness and hung out today! You sounded so cold and uncaring through your texts but when I picked you up, you were so bubbly and cute. I had a really, really fun time today. We laughed so much, you brought up a lot of old memories and details that made me smile, we watched a movie I’ve been dying to see, and we ate so much food! You’re so cute and I hope our relationship stays this way. You make my heart flutter every time you say something that you remember about me from before, like Thai food, or how you shield me from horror movie previews. So cute! ❤️ Can’t wait for our next date!

[happy-diary-thoughts]

It’s getting close to night time and I miss your shenanigans ❤️ When I think about how hard life can be sometimes, I always think about how lucky I am to have people like you and Lucas in my life. You guys always somehow talk to me at the right times and always show up when I need it. Johnny, you’re on the list too. I’m so glad college gifted me friends like you three. But Taioh, you’re the cutest! ❤️