happynessisamust

[happynessisamust]

[happynessisamust]

[happynessisamust]

porque ahora soy yo la que quiere estar sin ti

[happynessisamust]

[happynessisamust]

[happynessisamust]

a reminder

[happynessisamust]

[happynessisamust]

this year i’ve learned to set boundaries. and to totally be ok with realizing they exist or are different than what they were at the start of this year. i’m keeping me to myself. i will open up to those i feel closest to, who i know will give advice or constructively criticize without judgement or being dismissive. i’ve learned to set physical boundaries too. i won’t offer my body to someone just for the sake of wanting them to like me. you have to show me you like me before you see my body. it’s my home. unless i know you treat me well how will i know you’ll respect my home. 

so. many. boundaries. i feel calm and more in control of my emotions, choices and life than ever. the thing to keep in mind is to not let the boundaries isolate me from too many people. 

[happynessisamust]

the sky has always and will always be my favourite

Red Dragon | benmuldersunsets

Location: Surfers Paradise, Queensland, Australia

[happynessisamust]

another trip ‘round the sun

another birthday eve, another trip around the sun

a year ago today i was bracing myself for my second tattoo

getting ready to have another permanent thing on my body. forever

little did i know how this year would turn out

it has been such a different year than i ever expected to experience in my life.

there has been so much unknown. this was the yar that required me to really reeeeaaaally dig deep to find myself, my strengths and deal with shit i never thought i would have to or even knew was within me. this year i learned so much while at the same time had to unpack and unlearn so much. was it shattering? embarassing? absolutely. i can’t imagine how i lived for 26 years without that unpacking. i changed this year, forever. i can never go back to who i was because that would be lazy and complacent and giving up. that has remained through all this. i will never give up. there have been days where i felt so alone, unimportant, forgotten, too much, not good enough, not doing enough. but damn girl, you are all of it and so much more. i found so many layers to my being, im familiar with every emotion and feeling on a whole other level. 

i am more gentle with myself. i had to do less and slow down and sit with myself, literally to get to this point. be at ease with my being. be at ease with my body. accept my body as it is, every day and notice how it changes day to day. i am at peace with my being and know i can overcome any challenge that comes my way. 

i am so lucky i was still working and had a job this year. and still have a job this year. for that i am so grateful. for my health i am so grateful. for my family, i am so grateful. for those who still want me in their lives, again so grateful. life can be a lonely journey sometimes but those who stick around make it magical. 

you are magic. you are so strong beyond belief. you matter. AND GIRL YOU BOUGHT YOURSELF A FANCY ASS CONDO THIS YEAR. ya girl has a mortgage. ya girl has an OFFICIAL address. as ready as i am to move into the next calendar year, im reflecting and seeing how this year was although brutal and raw and exposing- it was much needed. thank you God for keeping me alive another 365 days. to the next trip. 

[happynessisamust]

“the best thing about your life

is that it is in a constant state of design.

this means you have, at all times, the power to

redesign it

make moves

allow shifts

smile more

do more, do less. 

say no, say yes

just remember

when it comes to your life,

you are not just the artist

but the masterpiece as well.”

-cleo wade

[happynessisamust]

[happynessisamust]

do you have any friends who are basically your best friend but can’t stay off their phones when you hang out? i get why but like that shows me im not important enough for you to pay attention to me when we’re together

and sometimes its so heartbreaking

[happynessisamust]

[happynessisamust]

guys trying to make conversation when you’re really just not into it

[happynessisamust]

today wasn’t the worst day, but it also wasn’t the easiest day. work was fine, the usual, busy but not stressful. i take pride in being the goofball of the lab and making everyone laugh. creating laughter makes me feel good. so ya there were some feel good moments today. driving home though, my right hip and side started to hurt - the soreness from yesterday’s much needed chiro +acupuncture kicked in but i could feel it. like a dull ache. and driving on that side made it a little annoying but whatever i pushed through. stopped off at dundurn castle to walk off the ache, helped a bit but i really wanted peace in nature and there were two couples that for some reason wanted to walk near me the whole time. ok. go home, feed kitties, too lazy to cook so i ate tomorrow’s lunch, watched some liziqi and then laid on the couch for a bit. Nala jumped up and i held her on my chest for a while. the pressure on my chest felt good. thank God i decided to adopt these two. they mean so much to me now and I can’t believe life before them was a standard of ok. still have an aching hip. decided to buy some new pants because i have TWO PAIRS that have holes in both thighs. so i buy pants online- get worried about finances (even though im really ok and probably more stable than i think i am; just the idea of spending money when i’m continuously trying to save in order to find and buy a house is a never ending worry cycle). BUT YA GIRL NEEDS PANTS FOR LIFE. so fuck it, i’m saving, im not homeless, i have food to eat. im ok. i can buy some un-essential things and not be broke each month. dealing with it. 

needed to make lunch/food for tomorrow so i’m starting to cook. wine. oldies classics. cooking. familiar smells, humming along to music. moral of the story? the days are not always the greatest but there are great little moments in each day. love language yourself. acts of service (cooking for myself), physical touch (ok that was the cat), quality time (doing something for and with myself). 

[happynessisamust]