hauntedlikeahuman

[hauntedlikeahuman]

anniversaries to never celebrate

its 2021

i bought a calendar late in march,

to pretend like my time to shine has finally come

because normal people buy planners and are still keeping track and on track when they’re done...... right?....

when you feel half lost forever, its hard to know where to run

and when you slow down and try keep a pace, they think you must be having too much fun

365 days in a year 

how many of those squares are filled with days you fear?

i can read a date to come, and the pain just suddenly appears

its a hell of a schedule to try to maintain

every single year.... 

[hauntedlikeahuman]

my higher power

Happy born day to my angel. Your birthday is exactly a week after mine, i was born to never forget you. I think about your birthday a week before i think about my own birthday, and a week after your birthday i’m still thinking about you. 

I feel like everything i am today is attributed to you. and its something im trying to understand. im trying to believe this makes sense or has the potential to make sense but. still just trying to keep my head abpve water 

its crazy cause you passed away about 4 months before the pandemic and quarantine and all the hate and violence and bigotry and heartless monsters were the stars of our collective nightmare. i was suprisingly unbothered/privilaged in 2020, in comparison to others. i was annoyed at the world for suffering after me and the people i love finally clawed our way to not suffering. then nothing healed, everything internalized and it compounded over that year of absolute chaos and pain, and it was waiting for me when i got out. which meant people were even less open to hearing about it. people were talking about suffering because they couldnt go to the olive garden or get a haircut. and through all of this shit i was annoyed at the fragility of people. the entire time i knew the world would be fine and would go back to relative normoralcy and adjust. I KNEW THAT PAIN WOULD END FOR MOST PEOPLE AND I WOULD HAVE TO PICK MINE BACK UP AND START. ALL OVER AGAIN

i havent made a new friend since you passed. i have not shared a piece of me with anyone. i feel a connection with no one because no one feels like you. when i think i want to open up to people, im always somehow reminded of how theyre NOT like you and thats all i can think about. its like trying to find people to connect with but you have to seriously lower your standards for connectedness or be alone and never have a true connection ever again cause you were the ONE and youre gone now, even after all those years of surviving. so fuck it. seriously, fuck it. i dont even care about being a good friend to anybody anymore. i feel like ive lost that ability because ive lost you so i cant see the good in people, i only see how inferior they are as loved ones in my life. people i love will lowkey disappoint me when they do things you would never do to me. you are always the standard comparison. its literally a curse. you. cannot explain any of this shit to anybody so what the fuck is the point if i can never get over this? i literally dont ever want to make friends who will not live up to you. it is absolutely a waste and being alone forever feels like the better option for my heart 

like i cant fucking believe im in this world without you. i will never get over it. it is the biggest fucking joke and i cant believe im forced to be here when youre gone and jude and noah have to grow up without you. i hate the entire world for that. im pissed that this is really how things have worked out. im pissed that we’re told in rehab that all our friends might die and you think theyre just serious about saving your life so of course they say that cause they cant be wishy washy, they need to be deadly serious. you KNOW the statistics but in this moment you still feel like a warrior among warriors and theyre saying that for all the OTHER people who cant stay sober... and 5 years later you suddenly realize that everyone really did die and they were right. and then you wonder if they even believed they would be right or if they were handing heroin addicts with gentle hands and sticking to the all or nothing bottom line because of how fragile that life is and because of all the funerals they have attended. i think about all the people who were in that room with me who are now gone and wonder if they thought they would make it. its like youre trained to never get too comfortable with your life. and you will enter recovery for the first time and feel like youre on a cloud and met the most amazingly strong friends and then slowly you watch them fall off, relapse, go to jail, get kicked out of rehab, in the. hospital with a blood infection or texting you asking you if you have any old anti biotics because they have an absyss and cant afford. to go to a doctor or have. a warrant or cant bother being admitted to the hospital for an abcess when you have a heroin habit to keep up on. the hospital is the least comfortable option at that point.....

let that sink in

the hospital is the least comfortable option for someone who sleeps in a park and has to beg for food and spend every waking hour in problem solving mode with only very temporary reprieves from the pain and the shame. and youre treated like trash the second people realize you dont have a home. its the most absurd nonsensical shit youll ever experience  and then they actually do all end up dying. i have a vivid. memory of the people sitting in that room with me who i didnt wanna lose..... theyre all dead. except one. i’m not lying... its really hard to not keep score at that point. my friends thrive and rebuild and change other peoples lives along along the way and then die at 4 years sober... literally am worthless compared to all the people who should be here instead of me. i still cant even fucking stand life. and sometimes i feel guilty and ashamed and mad that you left me here. and im fucking worthless in this world compared to you. i have not been able to get myself back in the gym. i literally cant do shit without you and im paralyzed without realizing it. when i try to tell people that i literally dont give a fuck about anything because i’m already carrying the greatest injustice of my life, i really mean that shit. im not exaggerating for literary purposes. these are things that break my heart in retrospect. 

it took me up until the first anniversary of your death to actually piece together the fact that literally the whole fucking world went to shit after you passed. i swear to God thats not a coincidence. shit i never thought i would never see in my entire life was happening right after you were gone to the point where i was so distracted with that atrocity, i wasnt even tending tending to the atrocity in my heart. 

im trying to want to believe that makes sense 

the first anniversary of your death came on the day the election was officially called a victory by Joe Biden. Literally what the whole world was waiting for, including myself. i watched people celebrating and parading in the streets and finally being relieved. i woke up with you on my mind way before i heard the good news and was quickly reminded that my heartbreak goes on. couldnt even distract myself with social media. i feel like i’m always the one sad on the days of celebration. and its not even about me just seeing some shit on social media one day in 2020. in 10 years this day will be in the history books my kids will read and i will hear about it in my classes in the future and i’ll be 83 years old in November 2073 and you will still be on my mind

[hauntedlikeahuman]

new year

new calender in which i write the anniversary deaths of all my friends

this is so casual for me, i dont even realize whats happening 

i find myself in the middle of this process before i take pause. 

take a step back and realize its now a checkerboard

this isnt a “RIP Grandma” type thing

this is a “You always wanted to be a dad and then died before your son’s first birthday” type thing 

“your dad died exactly one year before you” type thing

i dont want to sound dramatic or negative 

but seriously wtf do i do with this 

[hauntedlikeahuman]

For Lilly

I must admit

Sometimes i don’t think of you for weeks

not that you’ve departed

you’re like that bag in American Beauty, that scene everyone knows

the grocery bag blowing in the wind, like millions upon millions we see and unsee everyday, without a second thought

then suddenly you’re on a smoke break, and some neglected bag, a mere piece of trash, gets kicked up with some leaves, and the wind turns it just so, right in front of you

at that moment, and instantaneously, its that scene, from that movie

whether it makes you feel a certain way or just illicts a giggle, its existing in your reality, enough to make you think, at least notice, or pay mind. 

if youre lucky, maybe it will even make you think of other perfect moments youve neglected

I must admit

sometimes your memory IS the bag, a mere piece of trash no one sees, and no one bothers to pick up

It is the ghost of that bag.

it is so deep in the ocean of me, so buried in my muddy garden, that it merely floats away...

and just like that scene in that movie, that can play in my head in a serendipitous moment, it can play so effortlessly, so lucidly, its almost surreal

i must admit

sometimes the memory plays through my head like a movie that enthralled me. a scene that illicits tears, or makes my jaw drop

thats how quickly you flood back

and before i know it, i’m spending my smoke break in the bathroom crying

fuck the bag, now you are all encompassing. this is your world, i’m just existing in it 

but without you

now you are goodnight to me, good morning to me, good evening, nice to see. you, take care,  i. appreciate it, drive safe

sometimes you’re even buenos tardes, or peace be with you

my whole existence is surreal in those moments

moments when neither intellect nor ego can save me from the nightmare of simply feeling 

[hauntedlikeahuman]

Cursed with introspection

Life hack: work on removing your personal OPINION from situations that don’t belong to you, situations where you are not a qualified expert and most importantly, situations that don’t serve your pursuit of happiness and truth. If you’re confused/fearful/frustrated about something you don’t understand, that’s okay. No one is directly mad at you. There’s things I can’t understand for 10yrs, and one day I wake up or have an experience and I’m like, okay wow I really did learn some shit, even if it took me 10yrs to process. Life just got jokes like that. Not only did I process a lesson from 10yrs ago, I learned a new lesson; I learned that sometimes it takes 10yrs to truly understand your past lessons. life is. chaotic as fuck but we all go through the same stages of learning and understanding, its literally science. Next time you find yourself in a contentous conversation with someone who disagrees with you (family, friends or even strangers, try to refrain from judgement of character, purely based on one heated discussion on one trending issue. Instead, ask questions. Even questions you already know the answer too. i really believe people just want to be heard, people are lost or confused or ignorant, before. they are racist. when i was. a kid, my mom taught me to “always consider the source” i think i can speak for most people when i say 2020 HAD ME SO SHOOKETH, because i could not believe how out of touch people are. seems like many people are literally incapable of empathy. even people my age who grew up in the same town as me. i couldnt fathom what went wrong in their upbrining. I GREW UP WITH ALMOST ZERO BLACK PEOPLE LOL. and black people def arent mad at me for that fact. i didnt really write in depth about white privilage until 2020 race wars. i was definetly hella tardy to the BLM party and im better. because of it