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cats

ooo brave girls

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still trying to think of ways i can put all my energy into myself instead of immediately becoming enmeshed with a different, altho better, man

i will be going to chess club on tues i will be gardening tonight i bought a dress ive loved for ages (see under cut) i am engaging with the cats was considering going to london for a few days to see the museums and stuff, probably on my own (or with friends, presumably not with anon man) was also considering going to berlin actually to sort of beat it into submission, but i think i may actually just d othat one with anon man. but think it might be more meaningful on my own tbh will make a new diorama soon i think. it's been too long and i always find it very soothing

it cost £108 but i literally dont care ive given up on saving anything for the short term. only for tho short term! but i am in a very treat yourself mood

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cats

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My friend has a cat called Scramble (Whomst I love dearly, she’s an angry old lady in a fat tuxedo cats body with a croaky meow and I would die for her)

Scramble’s brother’s name? Egg. 10/10 no notes

((There is a note, they were found dumped at the bottom of their garden in a bin bag and anytime my friend has to change the bin Scramble gets scared and hides :((( my poor old lady :(((( she’s also not THAT old but like if you met her you’d be like aw old lady aw))

omg that's so sad 😭 the bin trauma!!! we don't know too much about these girls except that they were found in a big city colony in terrible health (hence no teeth)

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have finally done the thing I always threatened to do, and bought a one way ticket to Austria x

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IG: greeneisgold

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Lola and.. Egg???

lola and egg 🥚

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cats

they were having a good old explore last night, Lola has developed a liking for this purple ball. they are both more tolerant of our presence today, but they don't like when we appear suddenly. or make any noise or movement ever

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they are actually doing well tho imo - i even got a Friendly Tail from egg earlier instead of the slightly heartbreaking thing of the literal tail between their legs we've been getting since htey got here :( i think they'll be fine but they are waaaay more nervous than tink was when she first got here - she was fine immediately and these girls are absolutely shitting bricks. i am not forcing socialisation much (at all, really) bc i figure they need to get used to the house first, but if they show interest in me i will encourage it by stroking them or feeding them treats from my hand, etc

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realistic Semi Feral Colony Cats Interaction On Day 2

Lola being very brave sitting on the stairs! Lola getting frightened after I had to unfortunately go down the stairs in my house

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my friend adrian suggested i think of all this shit as less "anon man anxiety" and more "ptsd" lmao which honestly i think as a framing does actually help

to no one except my surprise - he messaged me earlier, told me i could stay for like 3 weeks next time. he was literally just ill, not planning his escape

i do feel less anxious but i recognise that this is a pretty fucking bad predicament to be in. i do think focusing on it more as a trauma thing rather than relationship anxiety will be helpful going forward tho for sure

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From the flickr account setters4: quilts | Flickr

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uncanny sensation

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anon man anxiety

ftr I have bought A Nice Pen and when it arrives i will stop posting the same shit daily here and start writing it in an IRL blog (a journal) that no one else has to read and internally scream at me about

key issue is that whenever he doesn't talk to me or a day or two i just become overwhelmed with massive fear he's over it (again? lol? but idk if he was ever over it bc both times it ended i kind of forced it so ???? and we must not forget both times he was the one who came back TO ME within hours or days) and rn it feels kind of more stupid than usual bc he's literally ill with famously awful :) shingles :) lmfao so like ?? i wasn't very chatty either when i had covid bc like it's just not when you feel very chatty!!!

im feeling particularly obsessive and crazy bc i keep seeing him online talking at work LOLLLLL and being like :/// why are you talking there and not to me :/// despite him having said before that he finds online comms more difficult the better he knows a person, he finds it upsettingly distant, so when he's feeling shitty and sad already it's gonna be worse to be having to talk to me online instead of having me in his bed or w/e. i think he probably just gets piney and sad instead of finding any comfort in talking to me online (i am the opposite! great x) whereas doing shit at work is a decent distraction etc. he's also just really not very online despite us meeting at the chess org :/ he got his first smartphone in 2016 and hated it enough to get rid of it until 2024 :/ not to mention growing up in rural austria and/or going to an equally rural catholic boarding school until he was 18 like... any shit about "if he doesnt text you for a day he's not interested" just doesnt apply to a man in his 40s w/ that kind of backstory. or anyone to be honest but like you see what im saying

it's obviously really nothing to do w/ him taking a few days to Be Ill, it's my horror at the prospect of not being Chosen or Loved or the fear of being Rejected or whatever the fuck. which is embarrassing and pathetic! and i never used to be this needy or clingy or anxious or insane about any interpersonal rships to be honest until i had to spend months convincing my partner of 12y who clearly had started fucking resenting everything i did that it was worth investing in our rship and he left me anyway HAHAHHA altho as i say every time i do legit think that was the kindest thing he could have done after everything else, and i just wish i had not been so willing to try and fix things. uhh lesson learned? (no. see this post)

i don't even believe that you have to talk to your bf every day or whatever like... ? we should be focusing on our own lives while we are apart anyway. but i am used to talking to my friends 24/7 even when apart (litearlly have a DM with ana open at all times) so the whiplash btwn that and the opposite is a bit oooooohhhhhhh :/ i think i just am so hypervigilant for vibe changes (see also: how i had to deal with ben for a year before november anyway, and even then my hypervigilance didn't work) that im like losing my fucking MIND over absolutely anything that could be read as disinterest or pulling back or idk anything. THE MOTHERFUCKER IS NOT WELL and im like "mmmm is this a Me Issue"

in the next few days tho i actually do need to figure out what im doing for flights bc it will get more expensive soon. tbh the doctor didnt even think it was shingles, just some non-specific painful rash :-) but he is convinced it IS shingles (bc he's had it before) and im inclined to believe him over some random dr bc being an elite runner for 30y has made him quite freakishly in tune with his own body

fwiw i am not messaging him when the anxiety is bad - i do recognise he's not actually doing anything wrong RIGHT NOW and that my reaction to being forced to not experience immediate reassurance/graitification is the problem i need to solve. DEFINITELY not messaging him at work. he is not gonna get online to like 10 messages from me asking him where the fuck he is lol like im not that far gone, it's just in my FUCKING HEAD. it's difficult tho bc in the past when he pulled back emotionally and i felt the vibes were off they WERE off and he WAS having a difficult time w/ the distance so like i also dont wanna gaslight myself into being like "im the problem here" when he has behaved badly, but also like. cannot overstate that he has shingles rn!

i want to "blame" it all on ben and i do think given i was literally never ever like this before in prev relationships until post-berlin it is in a lot of ways a response to that situation but meh i know i have to fix it myself and frankly whoever's fault it is doesn't matter lol it's MY trauma to wrestle to the ground and stamp on. but fuck me it's really really difficult to untangle all of this. the longer this goes on and the longer im unable to cope with my anxiety the more i feel like i am going to need to make some real changes but i dont fully know what they are. think we all know what would be recommended

i also still really struggle telling anon man anything im feeling :-) have become extremely secretive and this weird stepford wife woman 99% of the time :-) which is NOT ME!!!!!! pls dont tell me to communicate better im well aware that this is an ongoing new problem and it is improving, but lord it's fucking hard

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I don't even own trousers but these inexplicably big ones are really doing it for me lol what do we think

I'm 5'9 who are these for? it's possible I'm wearing them too low but I don't like things on the waist

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instead of letting anon man anxiety overwhelm me any further I'm walking into town to buy things