helenthinksimspecial

[helenthinksimspecial]

Special (2019– )

[helenthinksimspecial]

whoever said scooby doo isn’t intellectual: explain this then

[helenthinksimspecial]

Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.

[helenthinksimspecial]

I can’t believe they oblitered straight men like that

[helenthinksimspecial]

no one looks dumber than a guy who calls a girl ugly after he was just hitting on her

[helenthinksimspecial]

[helenthinksimspecial]

drinks from the simpsons rated

bart’s hot cocoa marshmallow

is it still technically a drink? who cares! grampa wanted a slice and i do too 10/10 skittlebrau

i’m still waiting for some artisanal craft beer company to crowdfund the actualisation of skittlebrau 9/10 malk

brittle bones are a small price to pay for all that vitamin r 7/10 the all-syrup super squishee

this drink comes with consequences. are you prepared for what that might mean? 5/10 shelbyville turnip juice

turnip juice is a real thing apparently? who looked at a turnip and wanted to drink it? 3/10 homer’s morning glass of syrup

my teeth are crying 0/10 marge’s homemade pepsi

an undefinable and unknowable entity ?/10 lays liquid potato chips

i’ve got questions and they’re all about how i can forget i ever had to think about this 0/10 worcestershire flavoured soft drink

carbonated worcestershire is truly a cursed concept 0/10 a single plum, floating in perfume, served in a man’s hat

the bartender requires you to sign a waiver before he serves you. this drink takes you to a strange new place where the man whose hat you are drinking from tells you the meaning of life in a way you are never able to articulate after you regain consciousness number eight/10

[helenthinksimspecial]

TAKEEEEEEEE

ONNNNNNNN

MEEEEEEEE

TAKE ON ME

[helenthinksimspecial]

[helenthinksimspecial]

Find someone as sleepy as you.

Coexhaust.

[helenthinksimspecial]

Thor: Ragnarok (2017)

[helenthinksimspecial]

[helenthinksimspecial]

[helenthinksimspecial]

[helenthinksimspecial]

im watching planet earth and theres this one small scene where the most round seal ever swims past and id just like to thank david attenborough for bringing us this good good orb seal

[helenthinksimspecial]

the clickhole people take no prisoners yet again

[helenthinksimspecial]

Storytime:

One time (awhile back) this boy and I were talking. I had already had a few warning bells go off with this guy, but I had ignored them because he seemed like a perfect match on paper.

Now this boy, let’s call him Bob, was also a writer. So one day Bob and I were talking about our perspective stories that were in progress and Bob decided he had a big problem with one of mine. Ya see, in this particular story my main character is unapologetically a murderer even though she is the “good guy.” Bob is NOT here for it. He informs me that NO reader will ever be able to enjoy this story. At all. His reasoning being: people do not like bad guys.

After Bob informs me that I should shelf this story, I point out that his argument is pretty inaccurate. In fact, violent/morally-gray protagonists are some of the most celebrated characters in fiction. Some of the examples I gave were Edmund Dante, Roland Deschain, and heck even Dexter.

Bob then explains that while he understands my “confusion,” those characters are different. You see, the previously mentioned characters are okay because they are guys***. Apparently, male characters can be morally ambiguous in their pursuit of something greater, but female characters cannot.

I then bring up characters such as Daenerys Targaryen, Becky Sharp, and Carrie, who are all protagonists but at times they commit morally ambiguous/to downright wicked actions. And spoiler alert, people still love them (even if they think they are “bad people”). Bob then interrupts me to let me know I am missing the point: nobody, especially a male audience (he made sure to emphasize that point), will accept a murderous female character as a good guy because it is simply “not believable.” Women apparently can either be bad or good.

He cautioned me, A WOMAN, to not misunderstand women in my writing. He also told me, a person who studies literature academically, that I might need to do more research into what a “protagonist” really is and what the main character should represent.

Anyway, I ended the conversation. The next day Bob asked me out. I said no. Bob then told me I was a “self-absorbed slut just like the rest of them.”

And that children, is why you NEVER ignore warning bells.