hellishboots

[hellishboots]

if u know me personally do not read this or i stg

Tw 4 liek, a vent ig. And a longass ramble. Zeddy if u somehow reading this, i still think ur fucking awesome, this iznt targeted 2wardz u this iz just my own mental issuez lmao 😂😂😂

I… shud b asleep az im writing this. I just cant sleep, without putting my racing thoughtz in2 actual wordz tho. A few yearz ago, around 2020, i found this really cool animation on youtube (a pebble animation set 2 lollipop) and it introduced me 2 this amazing comic, ramshackle. Eventually, that comic led me 2 the tumblr of the creator, and man i just fell in love w zeddyziz blog and all her work. What i especially loved waz the fandom. It waz small, homely, friendly and felt so safe and happy.

Ramshackle quickly became my biggest special interest. I wud regularly just… think abt the characterz (stone especially) and grin 2 myself and kick my feet. On the many, many nightz insomnia kept me up, i wud go on my laptop, type a random keyword in2 zeddyz blog, and look at all the postz that were under that word. I waz a fucking master at memorizing zeddyz postz It waz amazing.

This carried on 4 a while. I started a tumblr blog specifically 2 autism out over my fave characterz. Zeddy even acknowledged a lot of my fanart of ramshackle, wich really strengthened my parasocial bond w them. And i know. I know parasocial bondz r bad, but i cudnt help it. I felt on top of the world, liek i waz her biggest fan, and she knew me personally and, obviously i didnt think we were friendz, (im not THAT mentally ill) but i felt liek she had… at least positive feelingz abt me? It waz so great and amazing. It genuinely improved and irreversibly changed my life.

 I started getting in2 punk, indie stuff, i skateboarded and spent more time outside,  i drew so much fanart. I even made ocz that started out az poor ripoffz of the ram fam, altho they did grow far beyond that eventually. After a few yearz of this, zeddy posted some amazing newz. They were making an animated pilot 4 ramshackle! I truly cannot describe how ecstatic i waz, it waz liek my entire blood supply had been replaced w the energy of the sun.

And dont even get me started on how excited i waz when the funding goal waz reached. I waz on cloud 9. I patiently waited 4 the pilot 2 come out, and when it did, i waz amazed. It waz everything i cudve hoped 4. I fucking LOVED it w all my heart and soul. But then… other ppl started 2 watch it. And.., they made youtube videoz abt it. Around 1000 new ppl joined the discord server. This might sound liek a great thing. Wow, iznt it so great how succesful it iz?

But 2 me, it waz actually 1 of the worst thingz that cudve happened. Now, b4 u just brush me off az a toxic gatekeeper, i need u 2 understand where im coming from. This may seem unrelated but, a past special interest of mine haz been scp videoz. I waz enamored by the possibilitiez of the format, and i loved watching the videoz. I loved them so much, in fact, that i felt i shud share them w some1. Who? My mom! She wud liek them 2, right? Well, long story short, she said i cudnt watch them any more 4 az long az i lived w her. Honestly, she cud have ripped out my heart and put it in a blender, and it wudve caused me less pain than that.

There have also been other instancez of family memberz finding out abt stuff i rlly liek, and then completely ruining it 4 me az soon az they discover it. So yea… itz been ingrained in me that other ppl finding out abt special interest=threat 2 my own heart and soul. And i knoww itz not logical. My autistic gatekeeping doez not function in logic, it functionz in trauma and, idk, possibly other thingz. Did i mention im autistic?

Az much az i tried 2 make myself ok w zeddy becoming more popular, i truly cud not. And that SUCKZ. i want 2 enjoy the new fanz, i want 2 b ok w youtuberz talking abt it, and i want 2 still b able 2 call ramshackle my #1 special interest. But u cant alwayz get what u want, apparently. And ik u might b thinking "oh boohoo, do u need me 2 play u a song on the worldz smallest violin? Itz not even that big of a deal" but i am being so fr w u when i tell u ive had NIGHTMAREZ and borderline panic attackz abt this. Abt ppl in my life finding out abt ramshackle and then ruining it 4 me.

And, i guess, bcoz of that fear, i kindaa ruined it 4 myself. Damn. I truly do hope eventually i can deal w the new fandom, but, itz been over a year since the incident, and it still burnz just az much. It feelz liek i waz a little worm under a rock, jamming out w my bug friendz, having an absolute fucking blast, and then a shit ton of other bugz crammed under the same rock, pushing me out and exposing me 2 the sun, there4 killing me. Iz the rock alot bigger than i think it iz? Probably. But i waz still pushed out and killed. Damn this metaphor fucking suckz. Ig what im trying 2 say iz i literally cant not gatekeep. Itz in my bonez. I try and i try and i try 2 b chill and cool, but itz actually impossible 4 me.

Bc in the back of my head, i fear that ramshackle iz mainstream now. I fear the ppl around me irl know abt it, but they dont see it in the special way i do, wich just, killz my soul, and i dont know why. I mean, 1 reason iz bc the larger a fandom getz, the more toxic and divisive it getz, and if any of zeddyz work ever got 2 that point i wud genuinely cry myself 2 sleep every night.

I just… i just miss when the ramshackle fandom felt liek a small town where u knew every1, yk? I waz familiar w my neighborz b4, idk who these fucking strangerz r. Moving in on my own goddamn lawn. Idk, if just suckz man. I still love zeddyz stuff, i just,, dont know if itll ever b the same again.

[hellishboots]

[hellishboots]

my ttumblr is so glitched and broken it took me five fucking minutes to capture this

OKAY FINE WHAT IS THE TUBI FLESH HAT

[hellishboots]

@noheaddx

um................... can i help you

[hellishboots]

Eatz them all

for any newcomers to my basement who are probably here for miku would u like to see the shrine

[hellishboots]

@grimacing-rat

day 4 prompt: fave meme answer: JERMA.

🐀 ✨ 🧍‍♂️ / ✨ x ✨ / 🧍‍♂️ ✨ 🐀

[hellishboots]

Haz any1 else done this yet

Just so blatantly evil when they took the headphone port out of the phones to force people into getting Bluetooth earbuds like we let them do that to us and no one was jailed or murdered for it? What is wrong with us

[hellishboots]

@Noheaddx can u beleive it. They greebled the poor bastard

had to show you guys. he looks so unbelievably bad. for context he always gets shit crusted in his fur because he doesn’t maintain it so my mom decided to give him a haircut and wanted to even it out

[hellishboots]

BRO omg literally 2day i waz at school and a group of teenage boyz came up 2 the table i waz at and started filming a fuckin tiktok interview w my brother az the unwilling interviewee. They showed him a pic of a random girl from that school and told him 2 rate her on a scale of 1 2 10. God it waz uncomfortable. And since i waz sitting at the same table, my face iz gonna b in that tiktok. Ugh. I waz just trying 2 hide my face the whole time and liek shrink in2 my own skin liek a turtle

can teenage boys just piss off and die

[hellishboots]

Small Carmelo edit I made…😔😔💔💔💔🐺🐺

[hellishboots]

𝗍𝗁𝗂𝗌 𝗅𝗂𝗍𝗍𝗅𝖾 𝖼𝗎𝗍𝗂𝖾 𝗐𝗂𝗌𝗁𝖾𝗌 𝗎 𝖺 𝗅𝗈𝗏𝖾𝗅𝗒 𝖽𝖺𝗒 ♡

𝗏𝗂𝖺: 𝖾𝗇𝗀𝗅𝖺𝗇𝖽𝗁𝗂𝗅𝗅_𝗓𝗈𝗈

[hellishboots]

Apparently my tablet doeznt have a screen time reader, huzzah! I dont have 2 face my demonz

[hellishboots]

@noheaddx 😊😘

[hellishboots]

i think u cud convince a csh fan that any fucking string of wordz came from a csh song. I bet if u told 1 of them that will torpedo actually made a song w the lyricz "there r lotz of fish in business suitz, that talk and walk on human feet, and visit doctorz, have weak kneez" they wud accept that az fact w no questionz asked. Yk y? Bc IM TELLING THE TRUTH! HE ACTUALLY SAYZ THAT IN BEACH LIFE IN DEATH! And itz honestly proly not even the weirdest lyricz hez made

[hellishboots]

京都　六孫王神社　🌸🌼🌸🦋🌼

kyoto rokusonnojinja shrine 🌸flower🌼

[hellishboots]

ty 4 the tagg <33

REAL

I dont have any ppl 2 tag, sory

Thanks for the tag @thelastplantagenet 😊💚

1. Do this uquiz.

2. Do this picrew.

3. Tag people.

feel free to play if you’d like :)

@buncha-angry-kids-with-no-money @thatoneandlonelyemo2005 @with-the-words-all-wrong

[hellishboots]

my two new babies 🥲 willow on the left and aspen on the right