hello-rania

[hello-rania]

To The One Who Taught Me What Being Loved & Being Hurt Is Like

To the Perfect Guy i once loved, You were my ride or die, literally.

I loved you so deeply, with all my heart, with all my soul, with all my ego & my pride. I am blindly in love with you.

Thank you for making me realize that i can love someone this much.

Thank you for making me realize that i can choose someone i love over my pride & ego.

Thank you for making me realize that i can accept someone’s flaws unconditionally.

Thank you for making me realize i can do anything to make someone happy. Thank you for making me realize that i can fight this much for someone i love so dearly.

Thank you for showering me with all your love. Thank you for always making me feel cared for. Thank you for making me feel like i’m the most precious thing you’ve ever had. Thank you for always being so kind to me all the time. Thank you for always making me your number one priority even above yourself. Thank you for always believing in my potential. Thank you for always being there for me. Thank you for always trying to make me happy. Thank you for always giving me your 100% effort.

Thank you for all the beautiful memories.

Thank you for always thinking about my needs.

Thank you for always trying to make everything perfect for me.

And to the other side of you,

To the Narcissist I once loved,

You take control over all things in my life, but you meant no harm you said. You push me to the breaking point over & over again, and call me crazy for crying, shouting, screaming for being horrifically emotionally abused, but you meant no harm you said. You accuses me of emotions that you are intentionally provoking, but you meant no harm you said. You lowered my self esteem by always picking my flaws that i wasn’t even aware of in the first place, but you meant no harm you said. You act like you’re going to punch me and get offended that i am scared that you really are going to punch me one day, then you threatened me to break up because i’m scared for my well being, but you meant no harm you said. You asked me to do things for you because you are making my mistakes as leverage, but you meant no harm you said. You make endless demands and force me to obey everything you said, but you meant no harm you said. You call me filthy names and told me that’s the truth, but you meant no harm you said. You almost made me lose my sanity by always accusing me for something i repeatedly said i didn’t do, but you meant no harm you said. You made me stressed and depressed, i feel my body is going to burst, almost fainted, and cold shiver down my spine, but you meant no harm you said. You made me believe that the problem isn’t the emotional abuse itself, but instead my reactions to the abuse, but you meant no harm you said. You made me choose between you and my job, then threatened to break up with me if i keep my job, but you meant no harm you said. You force me to take oath in the name of our God for every little thing i do and did, but you meant no harm you said. You made me kneel and apologize to you for something so insignificant, but you meant no harm you said. You robbed me off my freedom of self, but you meant no harm you said. You made me believe that every problem in your life is because of me, but you meant no harm you said. You don’t allow me to expressed what made me upset and instead of apologizing you find a way to make me feel bad about it, but you meant no harm you said. You made me believe that no one will ever love me because i’m so unlovable and have a twisted mind, but you meant no harm you said. You frequently comment about what i’m wearing and how i look until i become obsessed with my appearance, but you meant no harm you said. You gave me the silent treatment so that i’ll be miserable waiting for you to give me attention, but you meant no harm you said. You made me risk my own welfare, but you meant no harm you said. You made me believe that it is abusive of me to object to you behaving abusively towards me, but you meant no harm you said. You brainwash me into believing that my life would be hell without you, but you meant no harm you said. You train me to put you on a pedestal and me at your feet, but you meant no harm you said.

But I am not the person I once was.

You destroyed me over and over again, but i keep building myself back up into someone you will never have the honor of getting to know.

Thank you for all the love & the hurt, i finally realized how much i’m worth.

[hello-rania]

Trying my best.

If only you knew how i always try to put on my makeup just the way you like it.

If only you knew how i always sacrifice my time & energy to exercise, so you would only see my best.

If only you knew how many times i would swallow my pride just to keep you.

If only you knew how i throw away my dream for you.

If only you knew how many things i tolerate for you.

If only you knew how many nights i cried myself to sleep.

If only you knew how frustrated i am every time.

If only you knew how everyday i sacrifice my peace, just to have you in my life.

If only you knew how i always walking on the eggshells, just to make you happy.

If only you knew how many times i hurt myself, just to keep myself sane.

If only you knew how much i hate myself for disappointing you.

If only you knew how hard i’m trying to hold on tight.

If only you knew how much i have sacrificed every inch of myself just to be the perfect girl for you.

If only you knew how much love i have for you.

If only you knew that i’m trying my best.

[hello-rania]

Finding myself.

I feel like i’m in a losing battle with myself.

I never realized how messed up i was. How twisted my mind was. How i was such an egoistical, self centered, and ungrateful person.

I never had anyone who is care enough for me, to dig so much deeper into my mind and my heart, no matter how painful it is, no matter how devastating it is to know the truth about what’s going on in my mind and my heart.

Then there’s him.

The one who always try his best to understand me better than myself, since i don’t even fully understand how my mind and my heart goes.

I am frustrated that i couldn’t ever change for the better and that the real me is just... this. This is just the way i am, who i was is just who i forever will be. But, he believed in me and guide me through all of this painful process, not just for me, but for him too. He is in pain, more than i am. He is hurt, more than i am. He is scarred, more than i am. But he bear it all by himself, and i made it worse every damn day, and it hurt me so much that i hurt him over and over again.

I love him so much with all my heart. I never knew how i can love someone so much, how every inch of my body aches every time i made him disappointed, how much i want to change to be the person he wants and needs, how i always want to be his safe haven no matter what, how i always try to set aside my pride and ego for him, and so much more. It still surprised me how i can love and care for someone the way i do now. 

But why. why am i like this, why do i always fail myself.

He reminds me that i am worth finding, i am worth knowing, i am worth loving, me, and all of my million layers. Despite everything he has to go through for staying.

what did i do to deserve this?

[hello-rania]

The one who stays

You are the only one who stays. You know how selfish i can be, how messed up my mind can be, but still you hold my hand through it all.

Despite all the things you’ve done for me, all the things you are willing to do for me, but still i’m too full of pride. I intend to push people away and hate them for leaving me. You are different, i pushed you away but instead you open your arms and tell me how much you love me, and how we will go through every obstacles together.

I never meant any of that, that was my frustration talking. You know i’m beyond grateful to have you in my life, i value you so much, i’m very afraid to lose you and i know you are my future. You are the only person who really know me inside and out more than i know myself, the only one who will always sacrifice anything for me in a heartbeat. Thank you for always loving me unconditionally, thank you for always showing me that i am worth to be loved this much.

I’m trying to change everyday, to be the best version of myself because you deserve my best.

The only thing in my mind is how to love you better. I love you so much, even it brought me to tears sometimes.

Thank you for staying.

[hello-rania]

The One

“I never knew myself until i met you.” this is the one phrase i can say to summarize it all. I can’t even remember who i am before him. I was never sure of who i am and what i want.

I learned a lot since i met him, how to behave, how to think clearly, how to appreciate little things, how to make decisions, how to be grateful, how to be honest, how to stay true to myself, how to value myself more, how to be more confident, how to trust myself more, how to be brave, how to be more cautious, how to take care of myself, how to be more mature, and the most important thing is how to love someone.

I thought i’ve known what love is all along, but never have I been so wrong. I thought i’ve known how to love someone all along, but again, never have I been so wrong. Until i met him, then i know. 

Love is wanting to change to be the best version of yourself for him, not because he asks you to but because you know he deserves the best version of yourself. Love is doing everything you can to make his bad day slightly better. Love is sacrificing all your desires to be with him no matter what. Love is compromising each and everyday until it becomes a habit. Love is being patient and understanding all the time. Love is forgiving no matter how hard their mistakes are. Love is making him a priority no matter what. Love is selfless because his happiness is more important than yours. Love is doing your best in everything for him. Love is swallowing your pride because you value your relationship much more. Love is never want him to feel hurt or sad even just a little. Love is wanting to take all his burdens for you to carry just so he wouldn’t be burdened anymore. Love is holding on no matter how hard the obstacles are. 

Love is knowing that he is much more than enough, much more than you ever wanted and you wouldn’t want any other person to take his place, because he is perfect in your eyes.

I can’t believe how selfish i was, how careless i was, how intolerant i was, how full of pride i was, how impulsive i was, how impatient i was, how childish i was compared to how i am now. I am closer to who i wanted to be from the start, because of him. I never knew i have this capability to love someone this much, even it amazes me sometimes.

He sees the worst part of me, but still love me the same, if not more. There wouldn’t be any other man who will ever love me more than him. He is my everything.

I am one of the most indecisive person ever. But, never once in my life i am this sure. This sure of someone to be the one i’ll share more than a thousand meals with, hundreds of sundays to sleep in with, hundreds of tv series’ episodes to watch with, hundreds of discussions on how to raise our children with, hundreds of inside jokes to share with, thousands of decisions to make with, thousands of prayers to pray together with, and every thousands and hundreds more. He is the one i want to share everything with for the rest of my future.

You are so special, and i can’t believe how blessed i am to be loved by you.

I love you, forever and a day.

[hello-rania]

i am who i am

i don't have great cheekbones or defined jawline. i don't have a small waist with big boobs. i'm not a blue-eyed blonde. i'm nothing like everyone's idea of beauty. i have small brown eyes, black hair, pale skin, and i don't have a model-like figure.

what is beauty? does beauty measured by our physical look? does everyone think of beauty as a visual object?

this will sound cliche, but i believe that this is true. beauty is not measured by how many people say that you're pretty, how many man wants to be with you, or how much makeup you put on. beauty is what comes from within.beautiful face can be fixed with makeup, but beautiful soul is something we all have to treasure.

boys, you all have to hear me out. i know you're all visual creatures, and i believe that's a human nature. but you must remember that what's pretty on the outside doesn't mean it's pretty on the inside. just like a beautiful box wrapped with gold wrappings and pretty ribbon, but there's nothing inside it. it becomes nothing. because what's important is what's inside of a gift, not what's outside.

never be blinded by the cover, cause you haven't seen what's inside. take a look, then judge.

[hello-rania]

Nobody really knows

i'll always be that nobody. the wallflower in the corner that no one will truly notice. feels like i'm invisible. no one knows. no one care. nobody will ever think i feel that way. everybody thinks i'm that happy person with no problems at all. well, i acted like it. i always feel like i am no good and will never be good enough. this insecurities swallows me deeper and deeper, like a quicksand. it holds me much tighter than before, much stronger. i feel insecure about how i look, how i speak, how everyone thinks of me.

i have to stop. i don't have to care about what everyone thinks of me. i don't have to watch how i speak. i don't have to always look perfect everytime. because no one does. no one.

[hello-rania]

love

what is love? a chemical reaction? a feel of need? an urge of possession?there isn't an exact sentence that can express what love is. we just have to feel it. sometimes we think, why love? love hurts, love deceiving. but it's the risk we are willing to take that count the most. just take the leap of faith. believe. believe that he is the one that will make your day seems brighter, make your night seems warmer. believe that he will be there when storms are raging. believe that whenever you got mad, he will be knocking in front of your door with a rose in his right hand. believe that he won't make you drop even a single tear. believe that he will always be waiting for you to come back. believe that even when everything is tearing apart, he will stands strong beside you, holding your hands through it all.

don't listen what everybody says. it's what you feel that matters the most. hear your heart out. take the first step, the baby steps that will make you run for more. just like dipping your feet into cold water. you're scared at first, but as the time goes, it feels warmer. just like loving someone. you're scared, but when you know him a little more, a little better than before, it's just seem like everything falls into place.

don't be afraid to love. you're just afraid that he won't love you back. but that's not what love is. love is giving the best and not expecting it to get it back.

[hello-rania]

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[hello-rania]

hold on to the plan we've made