helloitsai

[helloitsai]

And if i down these pills tonight, will things finally end?

[helloitsai]

I fear one day when I die, you'll be happy.

[helloitsai]

I dont deserve to live, do I?

[helloitsai]

I'm tired.

Of relationships.

Of anxiety.

Of myself.

I wanna rest. Please give me peace.

Everything I'm anxious of is my fault.

Everything I'm sad about is my fault.

Everything is my fault.

How do I live like this?

I want out.

Let me go.

I want peace.

Please.

Please.

Please.

Let me rest.

[helloitsai]

Perjury

For the longest time, I was clean, but my records have been re-written and change would never suffice to bring back what it was. Who was to blame? Was it you, my love, or the darling from the past?

Who was to blame? I could never recall the name that had started it all.

Was it Alyssa? Senillo? Kallista? Perhaps, it went even as far back as Danielle?

No.

No. I can’t act like I don’t know who to blame all for the sake of myself trying to defend your injustice but my love, you’re as guilty and to blame — I know.

I KNOW WHO.

Her name echoes in my head in times like these. The bare witnesses of my sin being only you and I. I give my testimonies, over and over again. You’ll give yours, over and over again.

But who is the guilty? Who is the victim?

Are you the accused? Am I the accuser?

Will I walk away freely with hands tainted in red while your wrists feel cold held together by sweet metal I wished were in my bedframes? Have I been charged to the point I villainize those just as the same just for sake of perjury? I know.

I KNOW.

The judge and jury look down upon me as the defendant with no artifacts or evidence, yet I stand here in the name of “innocence” — no.

No.

No?

I don’t know.

I DON’T KNOW — I KNOW.

I confess. I plead guilty. But who do I confess to? The judge and jury look down upon me, but I hold my head high and find myself alone in the stand as I re-enact for the thousandth time my felony. Was it you, my love, or the darling from the past? I know. I know it’s me to blame, over and over again. The guilty. The victim. The accused. The accuser. As I give my testimonies over and over again, I scream them louder each time to drown out the echoes of her name.

A forgery.

A fraud.

I re-write them once more.

[helloitsai]

Was.

Love is butterflies, a fluttering feeling in the stomach I can’t get rid of, consuming me 24/7 with it’s late-night texts and good morning’s. The kind leaving me in cloud nine with “attention” stuck on mind as I walk the not-so lonely pavements of this godforsaken highway. Love is dressed in black – sleek and clean, a little bit of chest peeking through, the kind I’d fantasize laying my achened head on. 

Love would talk on the other end of the phone, asking me about my day and when we could meet again. And when we did, Love would meet me in the platforms of the trains on the wrong station, and despite it not ever going the way I want it to be — it was right. Even in the late hours of anxiety and doubt, Love reassured me in the now than the past. Despite it not ever going the way I want it to be — it was right.

Though, love wasn’t mine. It never was even when it wanted to be. 

But when it did, Love grew weary and tired. Love was patient. Love was kind. Was. Where did I go wrong? Despite it not ever going the way I want it to be — please. Please let this be right.

[helloitsai]

It Has Always Been

In my eternal rest,

You have all the permission to let it be about yourselves.

Just as it has always been.

Your last spending on me would be for my coffin.

[helloitsai]

Never hanging out with my boyfriends' friends again 😎👍

[helloitsai]

Less of You

Im reminded everyday just how big our worlds are,

that no matter which solar system,

I will be nothing but less than a star.

Always.

[helloitsai]

Tangina joke lang medyo gusto ko pala siya

[helloitsai]

I'm so fucking tired of my 24/7 fight or flight.

[helloitsai]

Lost

It was stupid of me to hope maybe I could find meaningful conversations in you

But like everything else in the name of love, all meaning gets lost

You'll drag me along in your unknowingness

Maybe it's why I've refused up until this point,

Because I know and feel too much

Maybe if I were a bit more ignorant, we could have been together

If only you showed me something I didn't know of

[helloitsai]

Found

To find that depth of being immersed in my whole being is only something I'll ever know

I just wished you knew the answer

[helloitsai]

Mispellings

Before I had my first boyfriend back then, I remember crushing so hard on him and a friend was desperate to hear who it was. I didn't wanna tell him the truth and I was a witty piece of shit. His name was on the tarpaulin just across us — frankly, it wasn't even his name. Our school completely mispelled it.

"John" I admitted out loud. It was a lie.

Almost a decade later, had it became my truth?

[helloitsai]

Favorite Color

My last relationship was in love with the color yellow, but this time, he's colorblind.

Maybe for once I won't have to force myself to like another hue.

My favorite color has always been blue.

[helloitsai]

Stupid

More annoying. Clingy. Profusely batting the lashes. . . with pursed lips and that overly high pitched voice.

People really do get stupid when they’re in love.

Please slap me the moment I start sharing cheesy love song lyrics unironically on Facebook with a matching picture of lovers holding hands. Please.

Maybe I’m just bitter. Maybe I’m too old for this. . . is 20 too old? Jealous? Hell, no. I could barely give a fuck. . . but let’s be fucking for real. Maybe I am. I’m not jealous of the guys, nor the girls doing the romantic gestures that I curse as “cringe” under the same breath. I could barely give a fuck about hand holding or making out.

I’m envious of the clumsiness that comes after — I’m envious of the idea of completely falling into someone just as much as falling for them; but I’m scared of heights.

It intimidates me.

More annoying. Clingy. Profusely batting the lashes. . . with pursed lips and that overly high pitched voice — It intimidates me to be that vulnerable in front of someone; but that's the exact same thing that I want: to be vulnerable. I was never taught to be — never.

And I’m scared of heights. It makes me weak to my knees; but God, oh how I want to be completely weak just for once. 

But my heart’s burdened by reason for me not to.

People really do get stupid when they’re in love — yet how is it, no matter how much I think my way through my feelings, I’m the dumb one out of everyone?

[helloitsai]

Manic Pixie Dream

I'm not asking to "forget", I'm asking to "remember".

Overwrite my memories.

Rewrite my past until you're all I ever know.