hellraisers-problem-child

[hellraisers-problem-child]

"I Am A Caged Beast"

I am a caged beast, all snarls and hisses. People come and go to poke and prod, complaining when they get too close and I bite. No one ever reads the warning signs, they call it an attack. They cut off my claws and pull out my teeth, and the poking and the prodding begins to hurt.

Silence becomes the only warmth, loneliness my only reprieve. I hide the delicate parts so they can't see where to hurt me. I have no claws or teeth to defend myself anymore, for they took that from me. I have learnt to endure it, because this is all I have known.

"You're too harsh, you're too prickly, no one will like you if you stay this way." The words burn deep, but I do as I'm told. I cut away the bits that scare them the most, and I paint myself a nice colour, and I sing a nice song. "That's more like it!" They say, as more of them come.

But they come, sad and afraid and alone. They see my scars and they tell me I will understand. They reach out a kind hand, and promise safety and protection. They offer kind words and warmth and compassion, and I finally dare to hope I might be freed.

The knives they bring are hidden, and they slice away at me piece by piece, telling me it's normal, natural. They say it's for my own good. They say it's for their safety. They say they're only trying to help. But they always cut too deep, too far; they take too much, and to save myself I deny them anything more.

"I don't understand what I've done wrong!" They cry angrily, their hands dripping with my blood reaching out for mercy. "Please, I only want one more chance, I'll do better this time. I'll learn."

I am quiet, for they have taken my tongue. I don't make a sound, for they have taken my voice. I do not fight, for they have taken my claws, I do not bite, as they took my teeth. I do nothing as they come and go and keep making their cuts.

They may never let me out of the cage, but one day, I will be free of it.

Edit: lol I wanted to add this is what it feels like having a mental disorder. I don't take criticism.

[hellraisers-problem-child]

Someone is hooning around the streets near my house, which doesn't sound too bad except it's a busy main road that leads into a city ; SO many traffic lights in the area too.

Naturally the cops are having a fun lil game of chase with them.

It was funny the first two nights now it's like, let me sleep ya dog

[hellraisers-problem-child]

Squalla Dolla Ding Bong

[hellraisers-problem-child]

Fuk man I'm really trying hey.

I just want my brain to stop doing whatever the hell it's doing this is bullshit. I wanna speak to the manager

[hellraisers-problem-child]

A hot weight loss tip: deprive yourself of a functioning kitchen space and running water for months.

(for legal reasons this is a joke I have an ED)

[hellraisers-problem-child]

Anyway quote of the day:

"That's right back on my ass cheeks. Give her the good old scratch and sniff."

- The Funny Man to a tailgater, circa 2025

[hellraisers-problem-child]

Never understood the whole "no one drives my car" mentality because you get to be a Passenger Princess in your OWN car.

The Funny Man has less road rage than me but cracks twice as many jokes I get to sit in my car, not drive, and still scream at idiots.

[hellraisers-problem-child]

Oi nah but can we?

[hellraisers-problem-child]

I love it when local government jobs are advertised to me like ahh yes, I the anarchist would be perfect for this role.

Let me figure out how to help people cheat the system.

You want government benefits but you don't qualify? Whoops actually you do. Here's your money.

[hellraisers-problem-child]

If we call it pickling ... Then basically pickles can be anything and reserving the word only for sodomized cucumbers is woefully blasphemous.

We could have pickled sandwiches yet you're all afraid of the truth

[hellraisers-problem-child]

Fuck the coffee was actually so good

[hellraisers-problem-child]

I keep having moments where I'm like: fuck man why are you so sad rn? Like what's got you so down? It's summer ffs

And then I remember it's February and that's the Grieving Month™ and it's like: yeah buddy you be sad it's okay, it's only 28 days

[hellraisers-problem-child]

Sleep deprivation is a ride

Anyway my new favourite hobby is watching The Funny Man try to clear a steam spout with tissues

Burnt fingies incoming

[hellraisers-problem-child]

Oi nah but did you know?

[hellraisers-problem-child]

Just smelt coffee so good I forgot how to act

[hellraisers-problem-child]

Did you know?

[hellraisers-problem-child]

This is not meant to make sense

Anyway, Pt II is doing my left nut in honestly. I want to do a theme, make a pattern, would be cool. No one will (or is meant to) notice the pattern till Pt III .... I'll go off on a tangent I better watch it.

So, I don't know how I want to start the chapter, but I am set on it being from The Minister's PoV. I want him to go to Amahna's house, mostly so we can see how shit she's doing and how she's got some bad PTSD now (my poor babe), and he shows some genuine compassion for her. Mostly because, y'know, he can't lose valuable dragon riders 🙄 so he's taking her mental health very seriously ... But I don't want that to be the whole chapter there's gotta be more

Maybe I can revisit the map. He's got some bits and pieces to fill in, and maybe we could see more of his home. The significance of The Minister's island and The Hall, maybe even see some of his routine?

I guess I'm just gonna have to start writing. I need to find a thread to grab a hold of though.