helpmehelpyouplease

[helpmehelpyouplease]

I am honestly so fed up with being stuck in the house with my husband and 3 month old son.  We have been very careful about not leaving during this pandemic (we are still under a stay at home order until June 4th) and definitely not taking our son anywhere with the exception of the doctor’s office for regular check ups.  My husband has 2 daughters from a previous relationship (13 & 16) who live with their mom down the street from us but have not been back to our house since mid-march when the stay at home order was initiated.  Their mom works in a hospital, and my husband said they could either quarantine with us or with their mom because we could not keep introducing the girls (who are potentially exposed to Coronavirus from their mom) back into our son’s environment while he is so young and has zero immune system.  Their mom said she wasn’t giving up her custodial rights, so they quarantined with her.  Now I am going back to work in a hospital, and we are resuming our 50/50 custody schedule with his daughters because there is equal risk for them to be exposed by their mother or by me.  My husband has been working from home, and is continuing to do so until further notice.  My husband has decided (and I agreed with him at the time of decision in March) that be will not have in-person contact with either side of our family including his daughters (my sister lives 2 blocks from me, my mom and dad live 4 blocks from me, his parents live 1 block from us).  Now that his daughters are moving back in on Monday, I feel that I can safely and appropriately return to seeing my family (while following social distancing measures).  He thinks its “too much of a risk”??  Ok so I can go to work where I will be in contact with God knows who, who have been exposed to the virus FOR SURE as we are a HOSPITAL.  His children can be in our house with our son LIVING one week at a time (and more than that, because when their mom goes to work the kids will come here since my husband is home) - this isn't a risk for our son who will be in close quarters and breathing the same non-recycled air.  BUT I CANT GO FOR A WALK WITH MY SISTER AND MOM KEEPING 6 FT APART?

I am honestly at a loss for words.  We are completely at odds.  I think he is overreacting (which is his normal response to things in life - it just hasn't affected me as of yet because I can just ignore him but now that there is a pandemic and we share a son I have to attempt to work with him on these things).  He thinks I am being “stupid” and it is “scary how I would put our son at risk”.  And “there might only be an 11% chance that if he catches this virus, he would react negatively to it - but why even take that chance?”  So my question to him is, “when is it safe?” and he says “nobody knows”.  This means to me that you will continue isolating me from my family, but your family is fair game?  I am VERY close to my parents and sister, which is why I wanted to buy a house in the same neighborhood as them.  He could give a shit about his family (excluding his daughters) and the fact that they live a block from us is SOLELY because they live a few blocks from my parents.  If it were up to him and he didn't share custody of his daughters but rather had full custody and could move them wherever, he would have moved to a different area a long time ago.  So is it that you fear for our son’s ability to fight off a virus, or is it that you want to continue isolating yourself from our families because you would choose that with or without a pandemic.  We used to have HEAVY fights when I would ask him to go to a family gathering or if a holiday get together lasted longer than a couple of hours.  This man would rather not be around any extended family in general - he would rather be in his house with his wife and kids and never leave.  

I feel like I won’t ever be able to agree with him, and I truly feel like this might lead to a divorce.  If I were to divorce him, I would get primary physical custody of our son and could make the decisions for the both of us and he would get visitation like he has for his daughters and would have to follow my lead.  I could then say “I am going to visit my family, our son is going to visit my family, etc” and he would have 0 say in the matter.  And when we argue about it, he just calls me stupid, dumb, idiot, moron, scary, etc.  He turns a civil argument into a teenager name calling petty fight.  He hits me with a weight insult, as I am 3 months post partum and have obviously gained weight.  Later he will apologize and say he doesn't mean it, but he knows it bothers me so he says it to hurt me in the moment.  THIS ISNT LOVE, PEOPLE.  THIS IS HORRIBLE.  I honestly don't know what to do.  I also don't want to make a decision in a stressful environment such as the coronavirus pandemic... but who knows if this will ever go away.  I can’t go on NOT living my life because HE thinks its not worth the risk?  Can I?  There is no end date - this could continue for live as we know it.  I am not dealing with this forever.

[helpmehelpyouplease]

Being a step parent isn’t for the faint of heart, people. I truly don’t know how people keep their sanity. I’m a 27 year old step mom to a 16 year old girl and 13 year old girl (their Dad who is 8 years older than me was 18 and 21 when they were born, so he’s a young dad and I’m a very young step mom). I’m currently pregnant with their half-brother, due in February. I met the girls when they were 12 and 9 and moved in with their dad when they were 14 and 11 - so we were living together when they were with their dad (50%). I married their dad when they were 15 and 12.

Mom is crazy, and has been from day one of my introduction. She doesn’t want me to “replace” her - she’s the mom. Sweetheart, the LAST thing I want to do is replace you. I’ve got enough of my own shit going on to be a good mom to a 16 year old girl and 13 year old girl. When they are with their dad and me, I’ll be there for them. I cook dinner, I help w homework, I cart them to soccer and basketball practice when dad is working late, etc. However, I am not mom. I’m very close to my mom, and I know how special that relationship is - she’s my best friend, my rock, my confidant. I would never try to replace that relationship, or even tarnish it in any way. However, she is still very threatened. I believe she has a low self worth - so it’s truly her issue. She has never spoken more than one word to me. She has never reached out to try to get to know me, or be on the same page as the other woman in her daughters’ lives. She simply communicates to my husband via short worded emails regarding information for their daughters and issues she has with me. I’m not quite sure if she realizes that he’s been sharing her communication since we started dating 6 years ago or not. But every time you call me a bitch or tell him vehemently that I’m not the mom and I have no rights as a “parent” - I am made aware. For no other reason than to make sure my husband and I have no secrets and are on the same page. My feelings don’t need to be protected as much as I need to know when someone is attempting to talk shit about me to my husband. Per my advice, he never responds to her complaints about me, more than to say “our communication should be limited to our daughters if you cannot be civil regarding my family”.

Idk about you all, but if I had two teenage daughters living with my ex from high school (who I barely know now that we are both in our mid 30s and haven’t been together in 12 years) and his wife - I would be making her my BEST FRIEND. We’d be chatting all the time about what the girls are up to, who they’re friends with (as friendships in teenage girl world can be fluid and ever-changing), who they like, who they’re dating, etc. I would make sure that the communication between both households was rock solid so nothing slipped through the cracks. Men can’t communicate like women (no offense guys, girls just have the gift of gab), so I’d go through step mom who clearly has a relationship with my daughters - it would be different if step mom wasn’t involved or was checked out. Not this b. She does nothing to create communication. And truly, in my opinion it’s her responsibility. You are the “mom” right?? Not my job to open lines of communication- I’d hate to overstep as you’ve accused me of it before.

I think she is self conscious and will never love herself enough to put herself out there to create a relationship with me, her daughters’ step mom. You can say what you want about being tied to your kids for 18 years - that shit is for life. So you’ll see me, Mom, at graduations and weddings. Hopefully the girls stay close (like I am to my parents and you are to your parents) and have family over for holidays when they have their own kids - ya might see me then too! I’m birthing at least one of their siblings, eventually two if the Lord allows. They will be tied to their siblings longer than you and I will be on this earth, which means they will have a connection to my family. Wouldn’t you want to get to know me and my family?

It truly baffles my mind.

While Mom is crazy, Dad also has issues. Yes, he is my husband. Yes, I love him immensely. Yes, he is the father of my future son. But he wasn’t put on this earth and reared to be the best part time dad married to a step mom. Who is? I think others might do it better, but I’ve never met any so maybe everyone has their struggles with shared custody and “new” relationships. We have power struggles because I was raised in a Matriarchal family and he was raised in a Patriarchal family. The struggle can get real lol. His last line is “they’re my kids, so it’s my say”. HOLD UP. They’re YOUR kids so YOU have the say. Are they your kids and it’s your day when I get home from work at 4:30 and start dinner right away so the kids can eat by 5/5:15 to be able to have it digested and be at practice by 6 - which is when you get home from work? Or am I doing the parenting at that moment - as I’m feeding them, which is a parent’s job? Are they your kids when they have an algebra text the next day and I’m making a practice test for them to study because I minored in math and college and it’s easy for me to help? Or am I helping with parenting in an aspect? Are they your kids when I’m buying them clothing for the school year, summer, Christmas, and birthdays because I’m a woman and know what’s in and they’re more comfortable with me going bra shopping than with dad? Or am I a partial parent in that moment? Am I not exercising parental action when I’m home alone with them from 4-6 after school and you’re still at work and they start fighting and I have to tell them to stop or exercise a punishment - like a babysitter would should they be in her care?

This is what I don’t get. You watch tv shows with step-parents, and parents are very quick to say the step-parent isn’t a parent and they have no rights. Well we give teachers and babysitters and caregivers rights and they aren’t parents - so what exactly is the difference from a step-parent? And if I’m helping my husband pay the bills, should I not get a say in where we are spending the bills? Sometimes money affects parental decisions as well. It’s our money, so I get a say. Maybe we can’t afford to get your daughter a car when she gets her license at 17 because we have a baby in daycare. Parental decision due to limited funds. This is what I don’t understand. Mom, you think I can’t parent because I’m a step-parent. Guess what? It’s irresponsible for you to say that. If you want a child who you have 100% parental rights over - then marry a man and have a child with him. Otherwise, the children you share custody of with a man you are no longer with will always have 50% influence from another parent that isn’t you or your significant other. And most likely an additional parental figure, who is married to their father. SIMPLE. The best way to make sure your opinions in parenting are being heard is to get chummy w step mom. BUT you won’t ever do that. So you’ll never understand the 100% custodial rights and decision making. I’m sorry for you, but that’s the truth. Deal with it.

Maybe in February my viewpoint will change, when I become a mother myself. 🤷‍♀️ but I’m gonna say I doubt it. This is just common sense, people. You’re all too close to the subjects to understand how you’re being toxic.

Ladies, I’m going to leave you with some advice. If you meet a man that has kids, RUN! If you say fuck it, I don’t need to be serious w him and meet the kids, you’re stupid. Because you’re going to “fall in love” with this man, create a life with him, and marry him. THERE IS SOMEONE ELSE OUT THERE WITHOUT KIDS THAT IS JUST AS GREAT AS HIM. Truly, it’s not worth your stress. Moms are crazy. Dad’s are dumb. Being a stepparent is hard as f. It is not for the faint of heart. If you’re thinking about it, just know that it doesn’t get better. There will always be a struggle - even if it’s peaceful for a while. They didn’t work for a reason, so what makes us think their coparenting will be 100% peaceful?