hibernalis

[hibernalis]

a trecut un an și o lună de când nu mai știu nimic de tine, în afară de postările sporadice de pe instagram--pentru că, da, uneori mai intru pe profilul tău, deși ți-am dat demult unfollow--și de playlistul de pe youtube în care adaugi melodii. sunt sigură că nici nu mai ții minte că mi l-ai trimis. n-a însemnat ceva deosebit pentru tine, dar eu l-am salvat, cu intenția de a-l asculta, dar n-am făcut-o niciodată. doar văd cum i se schimbă data actualizării și așa știu că ești activ. nu știu dacă-l voi asculta, nu pot. sunt doar melodii, create de altcineva, dar sunt alese de tine, înseamnă ceva pentru tine. m-ar aduce prea aproape de tine și nu aș suporta; straniu, pentru că tot ce îmi doresc este să fiu cu tine. și poate că, dacă aș asculta, ar ajunge să-mi placă, dar mi-ar plăcea cu adevărat, sau pentru că știu că ție îți place? sună atât de stupid, de trivial.

au trecut cinci luni de când n-am mai scris nimic aici. credeam ca n-o să mai scriu. credeam că n-o să-ți mai adresez nimic. sunt 39 postări și toate sunt despre tine și pentru tine. asta are numărul 40, și ea tot pentru tine. n-am vrut să mă întorc aici. am sperat că n-o să mai simt nevoia să revin. cu toate astea, am făcut-o.

a trecut un an, iar eu sunt la fel. tu cum ești? oare ești bine? îmi fac griji. știu că n-ar trebui. te descurci. dar tot îmi fac. a devenit ca un obicei de care nu mai scap. un nărav prost, poate. o obsesie, cu siguranță.

ești tot ceea ce îmi doresc, chiar dacă știu că nu ești ce trebuie pentru mine. asta mă face să te doresc și mai mult, însă. un fel de fruct oprit. fix nepotrivirea asta mă face să fiu și mai îndârjită. încăpățânarea din mine mă face să țin cu dinții de speranța că nu m-am înșelat în privința ta, că ești omul care știu că poți să fii.

de fapt, eu nu te cunosc. nici nu te-am cunoscut vreodată. atunci, cine e omul de care m-am îndrăgostit? există, sau l-am creat eu, dintr-o prea mare dorință și o imaginație prea bogată? anumite aspecte, da, există. restul sunt goluri pe care le-am umplut eu, rezultatul fiind un om inexistent.

aspectele pe care le-am văzut au fost fix cele mai nepotrivite, cele neplăcute, cele rele. le-am văzut, le-am acceptat, și fix ele m-au făcut să te vreau mai mult. nu mi-am dorit să te repar sau să te salvez de ceva anume. nu mi-am imaginat că se va adeveri clișeul cu fata cea bună și cuminte care îl îndreaptă pe băiatul rău și dur. am vrut doar să te protejez. de orice, nu contează ce. am vrut să-ți fiu alături, să mă accepți lângă tine, și să fiu puternică pentru tine. să te țin în brațe cât ai fi vrut și să te sărut pe frunte. ți-aș fi oferit atâtea și te-aș fi lăsat să iei cât ai fi vrut, chiar dacă n-aș fi primit tot pe-atâta înapoi.

mi-a plăcut vulnerabilitatea ta inițială și cât de mult păreai și tu că îți dorești. a fost foarte frumos să fiu dorită astfel și să simt că cineva are nevoie de mine. dar când am început și eu să îmi doresc la fel de mult, ai început să te retragi. nu am înțeles și m-am simțit rănită, dată la o parte, nedorită.

acum înțeleg că-i din cauză că tu, de fapt, nu m-ai dorit niciodată, cu adevărat. s-a întâmplat să apar într-un moment în care aveai nevoie de atenție și de afecțiune. eu ți le-am oferit și ți-a plăcut asta, ceea ce te-a făcut să crezi că îți doreai mai mult, până când s-a dus tot luciul și ai devenit rece și distant. pentru că, de fapt, nu a contat că eram eu cea care îți oferea atenție și afecțiune, ci putea să fie oricine și la fel s-ar fi întâmplat. n-am fost niciodată specială pentru tine. aveai timp pentru alții, pentru alte lucruri, dar pentru mine cu greu îți făceai timp. îmi aruncai firimituri, îndeajuns încât să-mi păcălesc foamea, dar niciodată îndeajuns, încât să mă satur, ci doar atât, cât să rămân prin preajmă, dornică de mai mult, dar fără curajul de a o cere.

în sinea mea, am știut dintotdeauna că, și dacă aș fi cerut, nu aș fi primit. am știut că așteptam de la cine nu trebuie. ți-am tradus cu ușurință nehotărârea în refuz, dar mi-a luat prea mult să accept. chiar dacă nu am persistat prin insistențe acaparatoare, tot am insistat pe alocuri, poate îndeajuns încât să te fac să-mi spui lucruri pe care nu le simțeai... fix acele lucruri care au întețit flacăra ce creștea în mine.

dar tu nu știi lucrurile astea. nu știi, pentru că nu ți le-am arătat. refuzam să recunosc, dar în sinea mea știam că nu îți pasă. și dacă ai fi văzut cât de tare ard pentru tine, ai fi închis ochii. ai fi ignorat. ai fi trecut pe lângă sau ai fi întors spatele.

iar indiferența ta mă sperie. pentru că îmi e greu să accept că, în timp ce eu mă mistuiesc, tu ești bine, în lumea ta distantă.

e foarte tentant să cred că, de fapt, așa cum mă chinui eu, te chinui și tu. pentru că, îndeajuns de stupid, instagram mi-a aprins o pasiune pe care mă chinuiam să o sting. timp de aproape o lună, de fiecare dată când voiam să dau share unei postări, erai a doua persoană care îmi apărea ca sugestie. nu am reușit să-mi dau seama de ce, care a fost motivul. dar să îți văd contul acolo, de fiecare dată, de parcă încă aveam un contact atât de frecvent, m-a dat peste cap mai mult decât mi-aș fi dorit. am început să mă întreb și să cred că, poate, și tu te mai gândești la mine, că îmi vizitezi profilul ca să vezi ce mai fac. poate, poate... îți dorești să reiei contactul, dar îți imaginezi că nu mai vreau să aud de tine. poate că îți pare rău că s-au terminat astfel lucrurile între noi, dar crezi că nu m-ar interesa reconcilierea.

vezi, îmi e foarte ușor să alunec pe panta asta, care mă duce în locul în care ești și tu la fel ca mine, în care crezi că s-au spulberat toate șansele, că nu mai vreau nimic de la tine, dar tu ți-ai dori.

îmi e mult mai greu să accept adevărul, chiar dacă îl văd și îl recunosc. anume, că nu îți pasă. că nimic din ceea ce faci nu e pentru că îți pasă de mine. și dacă mai intri pe profilul meu, nu-i pentru că te interesează. ci doar așa, dintr-o inerție, dintr-o apatie, din plictiseală, din vreun motiv greu de înțeles pentru mine.

tu acționezi din motive pe care eu nu le voi cunoaște vreodată. nu te-am înțeles niciodată, deși am încercat. chiar dacă mi-ai zis că te-am înțeles, tu doar îmi spuneai lucrurile pe care credeai că vreau să le aud. și a funcționat. a funcționat atât de bine.

n-aș vrea să cred că m-ai înșelat intenționat. n-aș vrea să cred că m-ai rănit voit. mai degrabă, cred că ești un om care suferă atât de mult, că nu știe cum să-i permită altuia să-l cunoască și să-i fie alături. chiar dacă îți dorești, în cele din urmă, din teama de necunoscut, eviți întocmai ceea ce spui că-ți dorești cel mai mult: să fii fericit și liniștit.

dar poate că mă înșel. n-am să știu niciodată. sper doar că, orice ar fi, să-ți fie mai bine. data viitoare, cu altcineva, să faci mai bine. iar eu să pot să închid, într-un final, acest capitol mult prea lung din viața mea.

[hibernalis]

ai devenit un motan, iar motanul s-a transformat în tine

am plâns pentru el așa cum am plâns și pentru tine

dar el e aici, cu mine, și mă lasă să-l iubesc

îmi caută prezența nu doar atunci când îi convine

e un motan lipicios care își freacă boticul de fața mea

un motan care nu fuge de afecțiunea mea

și îl sufoc, așa cum aș fi făcut și cu tine,

îi dau pupici, îl mângâi și îl iau în brațe,

e adorabil, așa cum ești și tu pentru mine,

dar el e o pisică, oricâte atribute omenești îi dau eu,

e doar o pisică și n-are de ales decât să-mi tolereze apucăturile

tu, pe de altă parte, ai avut de ales, și ai ales să nu mă suporți

știu că am fost sufocantă, pășind în teritoriul tău neinvitată

nu mi-ai făcut loc niciodată, dar eu tot am încercat să-mi forțez unul, fără să-mi dau seama că sunt nedorită

trebuia să-mi dau seama și să nu insist

trebuia să-mi dau seama că nu vrei nimic de la mine

trebuia să-ți traduc incertitudinea într-un răsunător refuz

dar eu am vrut prea mult, te-am vrut prea mult și te vreau în continuare

atât de mult, încât te transpun în acest biet motan,

pe care îl iubesc, așa cum te iubesc și pe tine,

dar pe tine poate că mai mult, mult mai mult,

prea mult, încă, istovitor

tot aștept ceva ce n-o să se întâmple vreodată

a trecut aproape un an, iar eu tot acolo unde m-ai lăsat sunt

n-ai să vii să mă găsești, însă tot nu mă pot urni din loc

poate... mă agăț cu o încăpățânare masochistă de acel „poate”

pe care eu l-am transformat în „da”, dar pentru tine, a însemnat, mereu, „nu”

[hibernalis]

I miss you again

I miss you so much it hurts

It's been so long since I last saw you but I can see you so clearly in my head

You're so beautiful to me, you're the most beautiful

In my silly little mind, nobody does for me what you do for me

I miss you and I wish I could text you

I miss you and I wish I could see you

In that sea of maybes I ignored, I wish there'd been some certainty

But you never had any while I had too much

But it was not enough for the both of us, because you never wanted any of it

My gifts are left to spoil and gather dust because I won't let anyone else touch them

They're yours, all I want is for you to accept them

But how can you if you don't even care to know they're here

[hibernalis]

It's not you who made me sad

I made myself feel this way

I made myself believe in you and the words you said

I blinded myself to your mixed signals and flakiness

I make myself suffer over and over again

So I cannot blame you, can I?

Because you don't know

You never did and never will

How can I blame you for something I caused myself

How could I hate you when I am my own worst enemy

When my mistakes are my own and I made them willingly

Only because I wanted to believe and I wanted to feel that I was wanted back

It was I who refused to see, not anyone else

So it's not your fault, it's only mine

I made myself feel this way

[hibernalis]

i miss you

i miss you

imissyouimissyouimissyouimissyouimissyou

[hibernalis]

I think of you

I think of kissing you

And I want to say it doesn't hurt anymore

But my chest still caves and burns whenever I remind myself that you will never be mine and I will never be yours

I still struggle to convince myself it is for the best

When all I want is to run my fingertips across your jawline and feel you close to me

I want to live in the little moments

Holding hands, kissing cheeks and rubbing noses

Gathering you to my chest, enveloped in my warmth and love

If you knew you only had to bring yourself and nothing else, would it mean anything to you?

I should stop fooling myself by thinking that it would

That somewhere right now you long the same for me

My imagination is bright and wild and colourful and it paints you in the most beautiful shades

You're so beautiful when I love you

You're so beautiful when I want you

I wish it was enough to make me beautiful to you too

I wish you had the same eyes for me that I have for you

I said it stopped hurting but my tears tell a different story

It stopped hurting, but my heart tells a different story

[hibernalis]

I think of sitting next to you and looking into your eyes

Leaning over and kissing you on the lips

I try to picture someone else in your stead but it never feels right

Nobody can measure up to you, not in my mind

You smell nice and your lips are soft and your eyes are beautiful

There is someone else who wants to hug me but I only want to hug you

As cheesy as it may sound, it feels like my arms were made to be wrapped around your shoulders

And I am starting to let go no matter how desperate I am to hold on

I want to kiss your forehead, I want to love you so bad

I love you

You're beautiful

I love you

I thought your chaos could meet mine and we would stabilize each other

I thought that we could make each other better

That only someone like you could truly see me and accept me

I wanted it so badly to be you

You never wanted it to be me

[hibernalis]

'Why do I do this to myself?' I ask as I look at your pictures again

I never stay too long, just enough to see your face again and give shape to the contours that my mind starts losing

I see you and I imagine how it would be like to actually lay my eyes on you again

I'd be transfixed and something would jolt inside me

Scared, I'd try to run and avoid you

Because your indifference frightens me

I couldn't bear to see it on your face

So I retreat inside my imagination no matter how much that hurts me, where I've created all these scenarios that will never come to life

This is what I do, this is what I've always done

Easier to picture things there in the unreal than to have them in my life

How would I act if they would actually come to life, what would I do with myself--I'd have no idea

They're so removed from me, so incompatible with my reality

Like you caring and loving me back--the wildest of them all

[hibernalis]

It's the rain outside that makes me want to reach out to you

It's the words other men tell me that make me want you more

Step over and swallow my pride and make it known to you how much I want you still

How you are always in my thoughts

And this weather outside amplifies everything

Because it's perfect for cuddles and closeness

Tea, hot chocolate and tender kisses

I'd kiss you through the night and hold you in my arms

That would be so beautiful

Just like you

[hibernalis]

I had a thought this morning: it is September and I will no longer write another word about you

But it is pouring rain outside and it makes me think of you

How I'd love to be with you right now, cuddled up on the couch, a blanket thrown around us

Watching one of your favourite shows that I've done no progress on because it reminds me of you and it hurts

It reminds me that you're not with me and you never will be no matter how much I want you

And I think that soon enough, November will come, marking off a year since I've met you

I will still not know anything about you anymore but I will surely feel the same

Because I love you so much, I can't just snap out of it even though I wish I could

I think of you and I want you here with me

I have so much love within me, it'd be enough for two

But I'm here alone and I'm crying and I'm depressed over something that I've blown out of proportion

I wish it hadn't taken over me like this but it did

You're not here and I feel like something is missing though you were never mine to begin with

I just want you so much, I can't even describe it

I'm sad and lonely and pathetic

No wonder you didn't want me

[hibernalis]

your birthday was last week. for the longest time i thought i'd say something, wish you a happy birthday. i imagined it'd be how we'd start talking again, how i'd see you again. despite the heartbreak and the clarity of you never wanting me, i still want you. i want you so so much, it makes me want to scream.

i wanted to wish you a happy birthday, but i decided against it. of course none of my scenarios would have come to life had i said anything to you. in my foolish little mind, you'd be surprised i even remembered and it would be revealed what big of a misunderstanding everything was... that is not reality, though.

your birthday was last week and i had things to keep me busy and yet it was still agonizing. this month, anticipating the date, i have checked your profile far too many times, many more times than i have ever did. last week, i went on your profile almost every day to check for updates. there weren't any. you don't post much. i might be able to picture in my head the order of your posts.

you're so beautiful. i can still hear your voice in my head. i don't check your videos for fear you'd be able to see i watched them. i can still hear your voice in my head and i miss you so much. i miss you so much, my heart breaks over and over. i so badly want to kiss you. you're so beautiful. i love you.

your birthday was last week and i did not wish you anything. of course, that does not matter to you. it doesn't at all. it kills me that i was able to emulate your indifference, even though you could never be indifferent to me. i think of you all the time. i hope you had a nice birthday. i hope you're loved. i love you. please let someone else love you the way i can't. the way you need.

happy birthday.

[hibernalis]

my beautiful boy

my bright, beautiful boy

in my mind, you are always mine

in my mind, you are mine all the time

i can have you and you let me

you are mine and it's beautiful

you are mine and it's perfect

it's just you and nothing else, nobody else

i wouldn't need anything more than that anyways

i want you and only you, just as you are

i'm sorry i didn't show you how much i truly want you

i'm sorry i was so reserved and kept everything contained

maybe if i were more open you'd have kept me around

maybe if i were less afraid you'd still be here

but i am alone and everything i look at reminds me of you

even pieces of writing i wrote seven years ago when i didn't even know you

i love you, but you want nothing to do with me

a reality that's becoming harsher and harsher each day even though time was supposed to help

it's not helping, it only hurts me more

each day that passes, i want you the same

i want you for not being here, i want you for not being able to reach out

i want you though you don't want me

i want you to want me but you don't

i want you to want me but you won't

you are so far away and i cannot reach you

you are hidden away into your world and i'm so incompatible with it

i never fit it no matter how much i wanted to

i could've made you so happy but you turned it away

and you weren't supposed to accept it, that wasn't the expectation

but who am i kidding, of course that it was

i expected too much of you and that was my mistake

i forced you to say things you didn't mean in my intense desire to be wanted back

i can see things clearly now and i can be rational about it, admit my own faults

i don't know if i should hate you, if you hurt me on purpose, if you even know you hurt me

it's certain you don't want me, but the shred of uncertainty that still remain is what kills me

because what if you do know you hurt me and you're sorry but you don't say anything because you think i hate you and i don't want to hear it

the much more likely scenario is that i still am the same gigantic idiot who loves you too much and who'd still let you in with arms wide open

i'm so stupid and i love you so much

in my mind you are always mine

but in yours i never was

[hibernalis]

it is august and i still love you

i love you so much, i don't know what to do

i ache for you, i want for you so much

i want to kiss you, to feel you, to hold you

and it hurts, sometimes it hurts so fucking much

to dream about you all the time, to have you on my mind every moment

i know you never think of me as much as i think of you

i love you, but you want nothing to do with me

and i wonder if anyone has ever loved you as much as i love you

if anyone has ever wanted you as much as i want you

it's admirable how i manage to stay away in spite of my intense desire

but i know that if you were to come back i wouldn't need much persuasion to accept you back

because i've always accepted you

i saw you just as you are and i wanted you nonetheless

i saw you just as you are and i still fell in love with you

you are the most unsuitable person for me ever and yet i still hope

i still long for you and i wish things turned out different

i want you i want you i want you

why the fuck don't you want me back

what's not to like about me i have so much to offer

you make me feel so goddamned stupid for loving you

it's fucking august and i still love you and the thought of your upcoming birthday torments me

i would've baked you a cake but now all you'll get from me is silence

not that you wonder what's up with me, anyways

not that you'd expect anything from me

still

i hope you'll have a happy birthday with whomever you choose to spend it with

and i hope i'll be happy without you too

[hibernalis]

come here and kiss me

i want you to kiss the daylight out of me

kiss me until you leave me breathless

kiss me until i forget my own name

kiss me until all i know is you

hold me tight in your arms and kiss me

just kiss me, kiss me a lot

[hibernalis]

twice too many times already

i used to love getting high, but now it's changing because all it does is make me think of you. as if i weren't already thinking of you enough, it makes me want for you in such an overpowering manner, i am surprised i did not slip too far and text you or worse, call you. pathetic, high out of my mind, dreaming of you, your touch, your kiss, your scent, i had to fight to bring myself back to the present, scared it could all be read on my face by those around me.

your face flashed in my mind so clearly two nights ago, that it almost terrified me. it had gotten to the point where although you'd always be in my mind, your face would be slightly altered, as it happens i think when you don't see someone for a very long time.

so i did the unthinkable. i visited your profile. two nights in a row, twice too many times; i knew i shouldn't, but i did it anyway. i wanted to see you again. i wanted to make sure i was not forgetting you. just like the last time, nothing changed; you don't post much. but you were still there, in old pictures back from when i didn't even know you.

the same boy i stupidly fell in love with. the same face i'd slap, then cover in kisses, then maybe slap again. the same boy i was lusting for because yes, i was stupid horny for you. i still am. i always am. you're the only one i want to hold and kiss and sleep with.

i played some music and i was vibing to it. it does sound different when you're high. while i wasn't as focused on you anymore, you were still present in my mind in some way, until i thought of you there with me and it all felt so much better.

you don't know, but all you have to do is hold me. you don't have to do much. just hold me. make me feel like i matter to you at least a little bit. i hope that's not too much to ask.

i had hoped it wouldn't be too much to ask, but i guess it was. why else would i now feel so weighed down by my feelings for you? why else would my asking for basic care and decency feel like too much? was i so wrong about you? were you that good at pretending? couldn't you pretend a bit longer?

let me hold you, baby. be mine. i want to be yours. i'm not mad anymore. i don't hate you. i love you so much. i could never hate you.

please let this all be a huge misunderstanding. please don't let it be that you used me like this. i want you so much. this isn't fun. i want you so much. did i ever mean anything to you?

[hibernalis]

i would open my eyes as i was kissing you

i loved seeing you like that, you seemed so lost in the moment

and i couldn't believe i could hold you so close

i was so happy i could finally hold you

you were so beautiful

i love you so much

so much in so many ways i never knew i could

so much in so many ways you will never know

but i want you to know, i'm desperate for you to know

because i yearn for you, i am screaming in my head

i love you so much i fucking hate you for it

i love you so much it cuts through me

i love you and it hurts

i love you and i am ashamed i could give myself away so easily

all i wanted was to make you happy

all i wanted was to love you

not to change you

just to love you

it's been too long already and i want it to stop

but i still long for you so much

so many good things are happening to me as of late

but you're not here

and i want you here

you're not

you never will be

[hibernalis]

He texts me back, he wants to talk

He's interested in what I have to say

He wants to hang out

But how unfortunate

He's not you