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hideitfar · 8 years ago

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Don’t know how much you regret dropping me your LJ link, maybe much more after this. haha but I am glad and thankful I got that link to know what’s happening to you.

Were you at church today? After I got up the bus, on my way home, I realised I never texted you about picking up the things you wanted to pass to me. But ironically, you were on my mind the whole time during sermon. Much fails.

I don't know how long more I can stay alive.They temptation to give up completely is stronger now than it has ever been before.

Please stay alive. Please don’t give up. I really am sorry I am not a friend to you when you needed me to. I am sorry I wasn’t sensitive to your needs and assumed you were fine with all the arrangements I was making. I never thought you were irrational for being upset about me making you feel less important. But like I said so many times, you never were less important to me.

I was too caught up with trying to find out what went wrong, and I wanted to know because I thought if I knew the issue then I wouldn’t do it to you again, if i knew then I could love you better. Which I feel all is valid still, but I was so caught up with the past, I forgot about serving and loving you in the right now.

That fateful monday of our crazy texts, I got really upset, I needed to purge something in my life, so i left instagram haha (knowing i’ll be able to get it back), and also knowing I didn’t want to purge you.

I hope you don’t see this as blackmailing, or if they were the wrong words, I hope it doesn’t cause you pain anyway. I just want to relieve you of whatever pain I’m causing you and honestly I don’t know how to make things better from here but pray that God will work his magic.

A few days after Monday, Nazera asked me where my instagram went, I told her I was going through a break up hahaha. She got really worried because I told her it was a girl. She paused the conversation and ask me, are you lesbian? LOL. That aside, whenever I shared with Jer and Stella on how I should help you and I move forward and get better, they get defensive for me, but also because they only hear me from my woes and not your side, and that made me sad because then that’s not what I wanted. And what i loved about my convo with Nazera was that she defended you, she spoke for you when I was caught up with my own emotions and she gave me so many explanations I would not have come up with other than you’re going through rough period, and you’re just having it tough.

She related to me about her and her hall friend that she decided not to be friends with anymore. And I saw her crying about it when the whole drama was happening. (But honestly, her other friend was mean ok. She lied to Nazera about her whereabouts and played bitchy moves on Nazera during like hall election period lol, I never lie to you ok, or intentionally bitchy move on you.) But besides that, she was telling me she decided to not be her friend anymore because she knew the other girl can be happier with her other friends, and she felt that she was being needy and maybe her other friend will just be better off without her anyway.

And I broke, because no Anne. : ( you cannot break up with me like that. You only break up with me if I lie to you for stupid things and if I play bitchy moves on you. aiya but then again Aisyah came into our convo again. And we concluded that even though we both love Aisyah, and we don’t know why she left us, but we know she’s happy now.

And Nazera said this, sometimes we’re just toxic unintentionally. : ( sometimes we’re bad influence to someone we love just by being who we are. And for Aisyah it was really hard when she was the only one working and the rest of us were studying, and her work woes were really really heavy on her. We all understood that, but I guess that was not enough.

And that’s when I decided really to stop pestering you. because maybe just being me is not healthy for you now. But the point of this whole thing is, I want you to be happy. I really do.

And I just want to reassure you that you still hold a very special place in my heart la. You’re always my Anne Usha Mahendran, and there’s only one you. And I dont want you to feel like shit because of me. As in I feel sucky because of what happened, but I am confident that we are bonded in love for eternity, because that is what Jesus is about, and that is what Jesus will keep for us.

Do you see us going out on coffee dates again? I do. I AM NOT SAYING U R AT FAULT OR U R WEAK AND BROKEN. all I want to say is as tough as things are, you’re a good human and I know it, and u r an overcomer because u r built as one. I wrote this because on Monday I was angry. And I reacted angrily even tho I tried my best to phrase it nicely. But I was still angry and for that I am sorry. Because I didn’t look pass my anger and reply you in a manner that might have drawn us closer, i reacted in a manner that clearly drifted us further. haha

i dont know if you’ll read this. should I drop you the link? haha Anne, you’re important not just to me. But to so many people.

we’re okay. we’re just growing up. I’m just growing up. maybe it’ll be better when I start working? : ) who knows bb who knows (Jesus) : )

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hideitfar · 8 years ago

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all these questions, I am but girl.

haha is it I am not that important? Or is it I am no longer that important? Is it I was never as close to you as I thought I was?

Is it you think I don’t value your time? Am I that friend that wants your time but annoys you?

haha I ask really because of cognitive hunger, motivated by emotions. I guess you don’t have to answer them if you don’t want to. But maybe you could help me the better friend that I wasn’t for you.

but the truth is like Aisyah, I still love her. I do. I think of her every time I meet the rest of the girls, when I plan to meet them, when I meet them, when I look how our photos have one less person. like Yangwenn. like Xiaoyun. Friends to acquaintances. The dynamics is just more different than it would’ve been as compared to yesterday.

haha you’re killing me when I can’t tell if your messages are for me. I just really need your honesty like you’ve always been, and maybe you are already being upfront about us, but like so indirect I’m like is it me??? Now I just want a lot of answers for myself.

Are we gonna work through it? Or would you rather not? But I guess if I never was that important then maybe we don’t have to work on anything together, so that I don’t weigh you down with my expectations of us you know?

haha I think this is just sad talking. and I don’t intend to drop you the link, so you could feign ignorance even if you read this, and have it as you never dropped by again.

breathes. ok bye 4 nao.

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hideitfar · 8 years ago

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Dear You

I guess I never wrote back quick enough because I didn’t know what to say. I told you we’d be fine, we’d be just like old times or even better, but I guess I lied. Because I wanted it to be better, but you didn’t want to. And I know you know when I try to get you talking, and you’d reply but I lost you. Is this a break up message. hahaha #overlyattached friend.

Yesterday at YAH, Kyle asked me, are you ever sad? LOL and I guess most people don’t think I can be sad, but you do. You know what pains me and what cuts me, and right now I think you know how you make me feel.

The day before, at the Lost Art of Spiritual Friendships, I teared in my seat, and let fat droplets of tears roll off that face when he talked about the basic duties of a friend, and duties of support and I cannot. I know I’m not perfect or even great, but I thought you knew that I always try. I always try to love you as much as I can.

Is it I understand your thoughts but I don’t know how to help you, and because you don’t want me to just sit there and not help also. I don’t have, and might never have the solutions to your struggles, but I want to be able to sit by you and hear you. I don’t know why man, because it hurts me when i’m not someone you want (maybe just right now)?

Walking you back on Sat made me realised, that as much as I am hurting on this side of the bridge you wanna burn, I know you’re not having an easier time at all. Read your blog before I wrote this also, and No you’re not a very good liar to me because I know you. And it just frustrates me to know that you’re being irrational, cutting people off to be better but cutting yourself deeper. Sat made me realised that as much as I am sad, because I thought our friendship could withstand what this world could throw at us, because ours is a Kingdom friendship that lasts to eternity, I am more worried for you. I worry if you find someone else you could trust, would you cut that person off eventually as well? How long will you be like that, searching and burning?

haha I guess its the expectation I had of us. I thought we had good strong foundations of unwavering love. I still think we do honestly. Might just be distracted. hahaha I choose to believe you love me still, but you’re just struggling with your thoughts, and those battles are real.

All of this ^ is just me ranting. All of the below, is what I got, while just sitting and reflecting on you (with God I believe). I say all this with the firm belief that you know I love you, and I will continue to do so, because I don’t love you any less even though I think you’re making a mistake, because I never expected anyone to not disappoint me, and I never wanted myself to stop loving someone for a hurdle I or you or even we fell at. Because if I did wrong, I don’t want a friend to burn a bridge with me, I want to be worked on, and so, do unto others what you want others to do unto you.

Began with a song,

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n_aVFVveJNs&list=RDEML5KO_lG4kkb1uxkFOYYdQA

My heart died, and I just wanted you to know, even if you don’t want me to be there (right now), I pray that you know these mountains will move, these waters will part. You will have the good life God has in store for you. If it is not my portion and lot and blessing to walk through this period of your life with you, then I’ll just pray for you, where I am.

And then it led to what I learned in BSF, my teacher, her came is Cutie (legit). Cutie asked us, what in your life feels ‘bleh’ right now? We all have situations that we feel ‘bleh/meh/urg’ in. And she asked us why? Why are we not living the transformed life God has for us, which wouldn’t be the life of ‘bleh’. And she said, maybe it’s because we’re not being obedient. Maybe we’re not following God in these areas of our lives. As much as you know the value of friendships Anne, which is so dam important, maybe you’re approaching it wrongly. Maybe God didn’t intend for you to filter people this way. I think our God is one that embraces and even encourages vulnerability. We stand as open targets at the frontline, knowing we will get shot, knowing we might die, but we have Hope in God that He is enough, and He will resurrect us. I will never be able to reassure you that I will not disappoint you, but when I do I’m pretty sure it’s unintentional. Or even if it’s intentional, I pray for God’s grace and mercy to seep into our hearts and cover our friendship.

which brings me to the next video I wanted to link you a week back or so, but I really didn’t know how or what you wanted me to do. I don’t know if I was annoying you, cutting into your space or what not. haha but now I know you don’t really want me there (maybe), so i’m just crashing str8 in.

https://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_on_vulnerability/transcript?language=en

the beauty of vulnerability never makes it easier, but I assure you its worth it. If my assurance suck, I’m pretty sure God and I are on the same page, and I pray that God will assure you that it’s worth it.

hahaha I noted these things in my phone, and the next on the list is I don’t doubt your sincerity and genuineness as a friend. i know you give your all. and that is your strength. (but also because you cut people so easily, some people don’t understand. they’re humans too, their hurt also stops them from rationalizing your actions) And I don’t think Deborah doubts the genuineness of your love. We clearly talked about you, and though you throw tantrums at us, we know you’re just fixing something, that we can’t really help with, but we be there to hear you out, and walk beside you just to reassure you that we love you, and keep you on track where you want to go, celebrate little and big milestones with you. (I still remember you want a 25th birthday party, for getting through a quarter century of life, and i’d gladly set up dinner and wine for you)

Next, maybe me time is not so much of physical rest, since you say you have enough (but you cannot sleep at night, from your blog), but maybe its about spiritual rest. i also don’t really know how to work on that, I think it comes with more life experience too. To walk into a trial, and come out stronger because we learn better how to lean on God to fight for us, to move our mountains, to part the waters that drown us. Leaning on God more. Ask God if you should friend me, don’t take out a list of pros and cons. (I’m not saying God will say Yes, or neither is it just about me, but that this is a big decision, not just to drink yakun or not to. and God wants to help us make the right decision that will most glorify Him). Then maybe the battle gets a little less tiring, knowing that God will catch you and resurrect you when you choose to obey Him. That peace that comes along with obedience because things can go wrong, but our Father has chosen this path for you, for Him.

I felt like I had more on the list, but when I decided to note the points down in the phone, I couldn’t remember what else was weaved into my mind. The last point is just something I already said. It’s fine if we are not the peers you want to journey with, if I am not the friend you want to walk with. God never said your peers are those your age, and those the church has grouped you with. Do what is best for you. Do what God is calling and convicting you to do. And if you don’t know what it is, ask for help. With PCN and Aunty Phay Eng even. These people not only genuinely love you, but are so spiritual, I think they’ll be solid mentors.

I remember I gave you a really simple scotch taped mini card long ago. It said ‘You’re Beautiful’ or something HAHAHA.

I still think you are a beautiful human.

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hideitfar · 9 years ago

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Hello friend.

haha didn’t know giving you space was such a hard thing to do. Wanted to text you so many times the past weeks. To tell you Stella came home, to tell you how much I liked school this semester, to tell you how friendly everyone became (maybe because last sem, graduation goggles are on, everybody is just being really friendly, I said hi to so many people this sem I think it outweighed all the ‘hi’s’ I ever said to the psych people in the previous semesters). I just wanted to tell you about whatever was going on.

I also wanted to tell you I realised you unliked my heart :( wanted to tell you that you’re stabbing me for not coming tonight. I also wanted to ask you about K. Do you like him? I want you to know, that I’d choose you over him. Wanted to tell you that when I sat at service last week, without you, without him, I kept tearing. I wanted to go to choir room and give you a hug. PCN kept pushing, go and love that person you know who’s struggling. But I can’t :( I cannot because I realise my love is something you don’t want now. And I cannot deal because I realise I upset you. If I didn’t love you, it would be easier. It would bother me that I’d upset you, but I would be fine. But I’m not that fine now.

I write this because I still want to reach you but I don’t know how. I want to be so indirect, but this still is direct. haha. Wanted to post a note on facebook, post on instagram, but I didn’t want the world to see. I want you to know how I feel, I want to communicate more. (How did we get here? I admit, the first week, I was PMS-ing. I was being emotional, more than usual, and then it just spiraled out of control lol.) And here goes the main message.

hmm, I keep thinking about what you said on insta. That you felt that I didn’t need you anymore. And I guess we have different perspective on how we see the relationships we have in our lives. Not like of opposite polarity or what not, just viewing the elephant from different points.

At the start of uni, when the boys were asking Qi why she got no boyfriend and all, I remember very clearly what one guy (can’t even remember who anymore lel) said to me, “you’re someone every guy needs”. Got me thinking, and I realised that I never wanted to be needed. I want to be wanted. There’s so many things in life we need, but sometimes we just don’t want them.

Not sure if it’s the insight that psychology gives me about us as people, but that view just generalised to everybody in my life. Can I survive without all the people I love so dearly now? Yes. The beauty of human resilience, a strength heavily downplayed. Would I die? Also yes. I would die a million times, over and over again, when I wake up every morning wondering where all these people went. Where you went. But we would also move on. Eventually. And all the more as children of God, because our everlasting hope is in Him. The point is, the hard truth is we don’t need each other. #hardtruthswithqi

But do I want you? Yes. Very very very very very much.

Why do I want you (is it if I were a boy this is confession script)? Natural inclination I would say. And a deeper meaning to that, would be that God has wired my heart to want you. Out of that inclination towards you, we’ve blossomed over the years of our friendship. More so in the past 2 years I would say? It grows every year. And from all that growth, I appreciate you more. I love that you are such a strong human. To love other people even when it is so hard so painful so tiring. You stay. I appreciate your wisdom and reason (a spiritual gift really). To see things in light of eternity, and to know what should be done. To know and stick to what is correct. (yes not all the time, because we fail many times, but you are good at that, a strength you have) I love your honesty and sincerity. Basically your authenticity. You r real. You r human. (I study psych, and I love raw humans). And I also love the trust you give me. You make me feel important and that I am doing something right in life.

For that I’m sorry I let you feel like you became less important to me :( you r important to me. Because even though I would not need you to carry on with life, but my want and desire for you is greater than a significant number of people in my life and without you, it would take me a long time to recover.

haha I usually let your mood swings blow over. I thought that was bad, me ignoring your emotional needs. So this time I pursued you. I wanted to know if I could do better to love you. Remember, I intended, and still intend to love you more.

Anne Usha Mahendran, I have hope in the Lord that we will be fine, I’m just being needy (I dont want you to ever think, oh no, how we ever going to recover from this and be ‘normal’ again? We will not la, we will emerge stronger and that’s our new norm, tyvm). Honestly, if I were to rate how upset I am on a scale of 0 (not at all) to 10 (very), I’m about a 6. Not like very high, but it would be a 2-3 fold increase from my usual 0-2 sadness ratings in average life. If you reply me somehow hahaha I would reply you again. Or when I feel like it I’ll talk to you again if you ignore me. LOL, but as much as I can, I’ll let you have space. If you think I’m doing a bad job at it, tell me also, like post on instagram with the caption “try harder”. hahaha then I will try harder at giving you space. and whenever you feel like you already miss me annoying you, you also can post on instagram “you are one annoying friend”, and we’ll start with a good hug.

MY DOORS ARE WIDE OPEN FOR YOU BECAUSE I STRONGLY FEEL YOU R SUCH A WORTHY FRIEND AND I WANT YOU. (punchline)

yes this is a sekret blog for miself when I get very upset. lol. haven’t used it in the longest longest time. maybe because you became my tumblr.

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hideitfar · 10 years ago

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Devotion Day 4

So I’ve decided to note my devotions too, to keep me going everyday. Maybe, hopefully, this continues on to SG life.

To begin, I’m using Crazy Love by Francis Chan, and today I just finished chapter 3 (again).

And the verse or in fact passage that struck was this,

Jeremiah 1:4-8

The word of the Lord came to me saying, “Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart; I appointed you as a prophet to the nations.”

“Ah, Sovereign Lord,” I said, “I do not know how to speak; I am only a child.”

But the Lord said to me. “Do not say, ‘I am only a child.’ You must go to everyone I send you to and say whatever I command you. Do not be afraid of them, for I am with you and will rescue you,” declares the Lord.

And reading Hweemin’s letter yesterday, and these were her words,

During tough times. remember why you wanted to begin this journey in the first place.

She got me thinking like, what actually drove me to come here. And I guess this morning’s devotion reminded me of my reason.

Not only because I didn;t had the chance to go exchange and this is sort of my exchange, but like for a greater purpose God has called me to.

I have always wanted to go on a Mission trip. My heart was and is burdened for God’s people beyond the borders of little SG. I tried and prayed to go for Mission trips but I somehow always met with unsuccessful trips. This time, I prayed for a country to go, I prayed for God tell me where to go. And my parents gave the green light somehow because I was going through NUS to go overseas. Power player. LOL. And one day I looked at my screen and saw ‘You should be here.’

A banner held by the Srilankan children I visited last year, and was my desktop photo for the longest time! And it happened such that NUS had a partner with World Vision Lanka! WOW. Long story short after interviews here I am. With Devotion Day 4 at Sri Lanka. Dat all :)

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