highonpanic

[highonpanic]

Are you really at home…

Listening to the songs you used to show me?

Wondering if now someone else holds me?

Crying because you don’t know how to reach me?

Are you really at home…

Talking to her knowing she can’t replace me?

Cooking her dinner hoping after she’ll eat it like me?

Wasting your time trying to love her like me?

Are you really at home or is it just my mind playing games with me?

[highonpanic]

His Ultraviolence

  Ever get the feeling like he’s watching you? Like he’s right there on the other side of the street, trying to see if you finally recovered from loving him? His ocean blue eyes analizing your every movement, every thought your eyes hold? Well, I do. I feel his eyesight wandering through my memories of him, as I try to walk with my eyes absolutely clouded by them; I feel him watching me through the windows of my new apartment, wondering if my life is interesting enough for him to join me in it.

  Do you ever think about how similar you two were when you first met? How all the same things interested you and you could just talk about absolutely anything? Like he just looked at you and knew all the right things to say? How exactly did he do it? And more importantly, why?

  Noah was like an angel sent from above at the time we met. A drugged up, handsome angel with a shitload of debt. I had just ended with a guy who turned out to be a lot more mentally ill, then I or anyone had ever expected, so I was quite fragile and delicate at that time. I felt like I didn’t deserve what happened to me and I wanted someone who knew that and saw me for the adorable, loving little girl I was. And he did exactly that. He gave me some speed and molly and told me I deserve better and he wants to be the one who gives it to me.

  How did he read my mind all through the night? How did he know I liked what he showed me? How did he know I’d be interested in playing that stupid ass card game? How did he know I’d sometimes fantasize about a guy with a scar all over his chest? How did he know I was waiting for a guy the same height as me? How did he know I was waiting for a drug dealer who had a lot of unprocessed traumas and was in need of a whole lot of love? How did he know I was waiting exactly for him?

  Did you ever have a feeling that everything you do is just you trying to escape from him? But also hoping the escape route would lead you into his arms? The arms that were the only ones that could make you feel protected enough to face all your demons? The demons you were desperately trying to run away from for years? You finally felt supported enough to get out of your flight or fight mode and just hand over the control of your whole life to him… But you’ve been burned before, so why did you do that? Why would you give someone the chance to completely destroy you? Why would you try to run into someone months later, who actually tried to?

  He really did see me for who I was that night- a desperate little girl, who was in the state of an unpolished diamond; in need of someone to form me as they want. I was a blank page with a whole lot of potential and a family to help me help him pay his debt.

  ~How come it has never crossed my mind that I was the angel sent for him that night?~