hilychee

[hilychee]

something that I wrote for someone that I used to have a crush on, written on my notes app

is it weird that I think about you everyday? Even on days I don’t want to think about you, you somehow manage to occupy my mind. god I hate it so much— How can a singular person take up so much of my undivided attention? I don’t get it, I can’t tell if I want you or I just enjoy the feeling of something new. Am I bored? Do I only like you because I have nothing else better to do? i only ever started liking you because you’re so much like me, but is that even a good enough reason to want to be with you? I enjoy your company, but to the point where things feel platonic. But when we talk online, it’s a whole different feeling. Like I’m more conscious of how I look and how you perceive me. It’s like I want you to like me the way I like you, but bitch I don’t even know you! I just want to be around you and not feel so awkward or shy, but your presence scares me. What if I say the wrong thing or do the wrong thing? I care about the way you see me.

I think I know you know that I like you, it’s stupid but it’s so plain obvious. I would be surprised if you didn’t know, but how blind can you be to not see? It’s clear as day! Feelings are fading but yet every time I see your name on my phone all I ever do is giggle at the thought of what you could possibly be sending me? God this is so embarrassingly cringy, me writing on my stupid notes apps about my stupid crush? Will I ever admit my feelings to you? I hope so, I mean I would prefer if you told me your feelings first but i doubt that would happen. At least you don’t seem the type to be confrontational about certain things.

DO I EVEN FUCKING LIKE YOU? I GENUINELY DON’T KNOW. I mean I think about you so often to the point that I’m writing about you!

I made a goddamn diary entry entirely about you… Last time I did that was in 8th grade. But things are different now, I’m older and more aware of my emotions. All of this is new to me, and I hate it. I mean I don’t flirt, I can’t flirt, and you just make things so difficult. I wish I could see right through you or at least know how you feel about me. If you wanted to be friends, I’d honestly respect that. Maybe it’s for the best, but the thought of us together? Now that… I honestly don’t know. I can’t see me dating anyone in general so it’s hard for me to picture us together lol. Fuck I’m done with this cringy ass shit fr.

[hilychee]

treating this bitch like it’s my notes app

(respectfully)

[hilychee]

Desperate for this so-called thing called “Passion”

sometimes we live for others, sometimes we live for ourselves. but quite honestly, I have no idea who or what I want to live for. what’s a life where u don’t live for something that you hold passion for?

i guess I’m just jealous of those who’ve found something that have made their life so worth living, because why is it taking me forever to find out what I truly want to live for?

i have so many hobbies that I enjoy, yet I find myself never finishing projects I end up doing. And when I do finish them, I end up not liking what I’ve created.

Why can’t I find passion in walking? Or breathing? Or writing some stupid tumblr posts? I already hate what I’m writing anyways, so what’s the point of continuing?

that wasn’t an indication that I want to die or anything of the sorts. But, there are days where I find myself lying in bed where my brain goes blank and the only thoughts in my head are filled with empty clouds that end up nowhere.

Is that what death feels like? floating on an empty cloud somewhere in the darkness? that sounds terrible, honestly. super off topic.

anyways, maybe I haven’t broaden my horizon yet. I mean there has to be something out there for me, right? but, what if there isn’t? I mean there are people who have never found their true love yet, even if they’ve been married for 30+ years. I mean, at least they have someone, right? But, having someone is nothing compared to having the one. As in, finding the one person who you find irreplaceable, wonderful, and beautiful in every aspect, no matter what angle or light you perceive them in. I can’t wait to see that in someone, and I hope they see the same thing in me too. Which, is also inevitably the scary thing about having passion for someone. How, not everything is reciprocated, even if you show them what true love is.

Anywho, enough of that lovey dovey bullshit. I have all of this time to spend, yet I can’t find something so simple. But then again, finding passion isn’t always so simple. Even if I so desperately want it to be.

What’s passion to you? Asking for a friend.

(friend as in, me in 50 years when I’ve hopefully and eventually found the flare in my heart. But I’m also open to other perspectives and answers, not just mine lol.)

[hilychee]

Hi

this isn’t really supposed to be for anyone or anything in particular. I just decided that I wanted to re-download tumblr after remembering that I used to own a account where I spewed some of the weirdest things my brain had made up. I have no idea where that account is or what my username was, so here’s this.

Maybe I’m bored, or just plain sad, but I want to spew more of my thoughts on any empty and clean slate. perhaps others may see this but I don’t really mind, this is really jus an account for myself…to judge myself.

I mean, what’s a better way to express how I feel than on tumblr? Hope this wasn’t a bad idea, I mean why would it be? Lol.