himecentric

[himecentric]

꒰ entry #3 ୨୧ 11.10.24 // ◟

tw sh

first time in a while I’ve cut two days in a row, I feel myself slowing going back to my old patterns. I know I should stop, I know people in my life think I’m fully recovered already and would be so so disappointed that I’m doing this regularly again. I will admit I feel better when I’m not doing this. But at the same time this is what I’ve known for so long. Like I can’t really

I have no clue if I wana go back into semi recov (doing harm reduction tactics blah blah) or just doing what I want till next holidays cause I know school is gonna make me lose it for a while. Maybe once I graduate I can move on to something else like alcohol idk. I can ruin my liver instead of my arms. I hate myself. I want attention cause I’ve been feeling bad recently unmmmmmm but i felt better when I was hanging out with my friend today I’m not sad today I was just having the itch to like hurt myself so I did and now I’m spiraling so maybe I just need to chill out sooo bye I’m not gonna physc myself out

[himecentric]

꒰ entry #3 ୨୧ 9.09.24 // ◟

cw/tw: death of animal, sh.

I’m very sleepy while typing this, so this might be one of my less coherent entries. I just hope auto correct makes this readable. Recently, my family was looking after a baby duck. we named him splash. he mother was unfit to look after him. Either his mother died or just deserted him. I’m unsure, I never really registered it in my mind when my sister was telling me about it and it’s a bit later to ask now here is a little video of him ⬇️

important context to add before I continue: my parents are wildlife rescue workers. they know how to handle and care for animals. when he first arrived I was told he most likely wasn’t going to make it as baby ducks don’t do well without their mothers. Once it hit me, I started to spiral. This poor little duck had the odds against him. He was only a baby yet he was going to die for no reason. He mostly likely doesn’t even have the capacity to grasp he exists. He didn’t deserve it. Things like this happen all the time, people and animals who haven’t a done anything expect be born die without getting a chance. after two days I assumed he was in the clear and that he would be fine. Unfortunately when I woke up, I was informed that he didn’t make. and I was quickly pulled back to the depressive spiral that I was in when he first arrived. I’m aware there’s no real reason why it happened. It’s not really “cruel” or unfair, it’s just how the word works. Suffering and misfortune is indiscriminate. There’s no real system that punish the bad and rewards the good. What irks me more is I haven’t cried about it. Not a single tear. It’s effecting me, obviously. but I find once again I am unable to cry. Things upset me deeply, that’s for certain. I’m sensitive and am easily distressed. But it’s extremely frustrating for the way I react to not match what I am feeling. I can’t cry, I am unable to cry. It’s been like that for a while. I cry once every month or two. I only cry when I’m pushed to my limit. It honestly makes me feel less human than I already do. I used to pride myself on being able to express my emotions well. But upon reflection although I’m good at articulating what I’m feeling I’m not good at expressing what I’m feeling. All I can do is talk and write and try to get these bitter feelings to go away because I am unsure of any other way to let them out. I think that’s why hurting myself has such a strong grip on me for a while. Although it might seem silly, it was palpable. It was something I could see it and know I’m hurt. I see it and I feel the adrenaline and I feel my heart beat and the sting as I try to sleep. It was a better release than anything I didn’t need anything else. It made my emotions feel real and valid. As of now It’s easy to feel like I don’t feel? The reaction and memories of hurting myself are so ingrained in me I feel so lifeless without it, but I just don’t get the urges anymore. My body doesn’t react badly when I go long without it anymore. I’m finally getting clean but honestly it’s sucks cause as good as that is I miss it I miss the itches I miss the satisfaction of when I gave into those urges. It was like finally falling asleep after a long day. all of this sounds extremely cliche and cringe but it’s the best way I can put it.

[himecentric]

꒰ entry #2 ୨୧ 5.09.24 // ◟

cw/tw: nsfw topics.

nothing really happened today, so I don’t know why I feel so shitty right now. Whenever I finish hanging out with friends I always get hit with a low that makes me feel horrible. This sinking feeling in my chest is unpleasant. I can’t help but wonder if this is gonna happen my whole life. Moments of happiness are temporary. I messed up a few times at school today, it gave me the sinking feeling too. When I woke up this morning I didn’t want to go, that’s probably was god (or just my instinct) trying to tell me not to go, but I did anyway. It’s not anything substantial but I did get barked at again. It’s not the barking that upsets me, it’s the disrespect behind the action. It’s like telling me I’m a joke to them, someone they can use to entertain themselves with. that hurts. at lunch, i went to the food joint near my school with jiggy and some friends from their class. Unfortunately pb (prepubescent boy from my last post) and someone I will dub neck beard tagged along too. They wouldn’t stop saying the n word loudly in public (pb is white as they come, neckbeard is aboriginal Australian) he asked jiggys class friend their sexuality with crude hand gestates. Scissoring and penetration respectively. they girl joking responded saying she had two penises and then they went on about sex toys. Loudly. In public. After that pb thought it was funny to take off his shoes and put his feet in the air, I jokingly told him to put on some deodorant. He started spraying deodorant so the room had a strong smell to it when the teachers came back on. I had put on some perfume oil just before, so I had told the teacher about it because I felt particularly at fault. The other students came in and started complaining. Although admittedly it was sorta my fault the fact pb said it was particularly my fault made me so mad. like don’t throw me under the bus. I tried to justify myself and I was snapped back at by a girl I’ll callllll n.y.d. hhnnmmm. I hated it. Minor inconveniences, I know. I ended up playing valorant with jiggy after school, Aya joined later. But I was being to loud at like 9:30 and my mum came in and threatened to take my laptop and phone anyway lolll….. I didn’t mean to be loud, I’ll probably apologize in the morning. but for now I’ll just overthink and feel like shit.

[himecentric]

꒰ entry #1 ୨୧ 4.09.24 // ◟

tw/cw: brief mention of rape

Lily finally was back today, school is honestly sososo boring without her. I hated having to just sit in a semi uncomfortable and listen to people I don't even like talk because I have nowhere else to be. She liked the birthday present I got for her which is good and she didn't get assaulted on her cruise which is also good. when I herd about the rape cases that were happening on the boat she was on I swear I was so floored. Like, 2 cases. in less the 48 hours. how?? NEVER going on a cruise (probably). Anyway, today we were offsite to see a play. The peasant prince. It was a play adaptation of the movie mao's last dancer. Idk how relevant that movie is cause I've never heard of it personally until my teacher showed us a trailer. The start was VERY odd, the man character jumping around on the floor like a frog. He was meant to be a child, but it was a grown man jumping around on the floor like a frog and pretending to fart or whatever. not to mention the ending was abrupt, there was a good 5 minuets of conflict in this 1 hour play. he fights government officials, wins and that's it. they didn't explore the conflict at ALL. it was 50 minuets of how the main character got to where he was, it was like those flashback scenes where they have a moment from near the end and then the rest is like a flashback and then they go back to the moment to wrap it up (I hope this will makes sense to future me). Which was okay but It wasn't as satisfying as it could be cause it wrapped up a whole load of nothing. actors were great though, 5.5/10 play. after the play, we went to garb some lunch. I chose subway cause 1. I am NOT going to taco bell. 2. I can get chicken and chips any day I want. 3. cookie. There is no footlong cookie in Australia and I think that's to spite me personally, its an attack on my being. I had a whole feast. It consisted of a footlong (white bread, Ham, cheddar cheese, olives. toasted), chicken bites, two cookies (chocolate chip and double choc) and a lipton ice tea. best part is it was $15. a whole feast for $15 dollars. What's worse is ate it all like it was nothing. scoofed it down in around 6-10 minuets. not before doing some oshikatsu of course, I did a picture of both homu and vyn.. ... my friend gave me the idea to make it look like homu ate the food (see picture here). SOCUTE!! It was so yummy and so filling. then we went back to school. Turns out 10 people vaped on the bus so they all got suspended LMAO. I told my mum about it and she was like "were you one of them?" and I was like "no?" and then she said "I know my little nerd".... EVEN MY MUM THINKS IM A LOSER!!! I had to deal with my classmates.. will note some notable events today: mary was rolling on the floor again, she didn't shut up. so much complaining. she went on a rant about smut books, turns out she likes it ends with us so I know not only is she a porn addict that only reads smut but she has bad taste too... mlb dark romance and collen hoover.. most annoying prepubescent (and self centered) boy in my class has a crush on this sweet quiet girl and he's being not only PAINFULLY obvious but he's being super strange around her and she's just so obviously unconfutable, in response Marys barinrotted self started talking about the good girl x bad boy trope and with the most millennial face (for lack of a better word) she puts her hand to her face and says "that could either really good or really badly" IN THE MOST CRINGE AS MILLENNIAL VOICE TONE DILLVERY I DONT EVEN KNOW. she just ALWAYS finds a way to piss me off like it's a talent. she just has catastrophic levels of pretentiousness. not even prepubescent boy is this infuriating cause at least some what grounded. mary is so far up her own ass, she's gone through her entire intestinal track and back up her neck. It's nearly 11 pm so I'm goingto stop writting bye

[himecentric]

୨୧ ㆍ digital journal ◝

ꕀ﹒✿ tw ed sh + other stuff like that

09 ⠀⌒⠀ sapphic + non binary ꕀ⠀⠀𓈒

(note: this is not a ed or sh centered acc, just a dumping ground for my thoughts.)