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hmari6 · 5 months ago

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Broken & Beautiful (excerpt from a work in progress) // (see bottom for previous post!)

Jace parked beside the house, cut the engine, and within a minute he’d retrieved my wheelchair frame from the backseat and secured the wheels onto it. He set the chair beside the car as he opened my passenger door and began undoing all the straps on the harness and halter. I groaned as the pressure was slightly relieved from between my legs, and I couldn’t help the flow from my bladder again. Tears pricked the corners of my eyes as I felt overwhelmed and the pain burst through my lower body again.

“Oh Lulu…” Jace’s voice was quiet and concerned, knowing how bad I had to be feeling to let it show so much. “C’mon baby… time to get you inside and comfortable in bed for a bit. Sound good?” He reached up to cup my cheek and smoothed his thumb over it.

I turned slightly into his touch, grateful we were together and he was going to take care of me. “Yes… please?” My words felt stilted as I stifled the pain in my abdomen.

Jace nodded in reply then easily helped me transfer into my wheelchair. He took the oxygen cannula from over my ears and tossed it back over the seat, then grabbed two bags from the backseat, slinging one duffle over his shoulder and chest, and hanging the other in his elbow while he pushed me up the slight ramp to the front door. He punched in a code for the lock and once the deadbolt turned he opened the door and wheeled me backward over the threshold.

The lake house was large, yet cozy. It had a rustic feel and charm to it that I knew I’d truly look at and appreciate later, but at that moment I was too focused on the pain I was in. Jace seemed to be hyper-aware of how I felt, because he wasted no time taking me down the hall and into the large bedroom. The room had a low, king sized bed, with mobility bars on one side. Jace wheeled me to that side of the bed, set the two bags on the bench at the end of the bed, then turned down the covers before putting down one of the reusable changing pads he’d brought. He also retrieved a bedpan from one of the bags, as well as a few other supplies. I was grateful he knew exactly what I needed right then, and I didn’t have to expend energy explaining it to him.

Once he’d gathered what he needed, he turned back to me and helped me out of the wheelchair and over to the bed. He helped me lay partially on my side, tucking a pillow by my shoulders to stop me from rolling all the way back. He easily unfastened the leg brace, then gently slid my leggings down. He took off the first diaper and I heard it get rolled up and go in a bag. Jace then unlocked the chastity belt and removed it from between my legs. He opened the second diaper then and I swallowed thickly, half wanting to make a joke about too much coffee, but also wanting to just get this all over with.

I listened as Jace pulled gloves on, then cleaned me up with a wipe, but didn’t move the used diaper. Instead, he left it between my legs, then carefully positioned my hips as he slid the bedpan into place. His fingers were gentle as he loosened my clenched asshole from around the plug and slid it out. My bowels hurriedly emptied only a moment later and I breathed heavily, pushing and clenching muscles to empty everything out. It took a few rounds, but after a few minutes it was finally done. I sighed once I was through, feeling spent as the abdominal pain finally dissipated. Jace cleaned me up with a few wipes, then took the bedpan into the bathroom to empty it. He removed the dirty diaper when he came back, and used one more wipe to make sure I was completely cleaned up.

“Luce,” his voice was soft then as he finally spoke, “we don’t have to do this now, but I brought everything to cath you for the weekend… both Foley and anal. Would you be up for that or do you want to just rest awhile first?”

I closed my eyes, taking measured breaths as I recovered from the car ride and painful bowel movement. As much as I knew Jace wanted me cathed, I wasn’t up for it just yet. “Rest? Please?”

“Of course, baby,” he replied. “Totally fine to do it later when you’re feeling better.”

“Thank you,” I murmured, my body feeling sore and heavy from the pain and travel.

Jace changed me into a fresh diaper, minus the plug, pulled off his dirty gloves, and replaced the chastity belt before pulling my leggings back up and putting the leg brace on. He moved the pillows and changing pad then, and gently helped me to roll over onto my back. He scooped his arm around my shoulders and tucked another pillow behind me, then put one under my knees. He smoothed my cheek and kissed me lightly. “I’ll go grab the med tote and the oxygen, okay? Can get you more comfortable for a nap.”

I nodded, feeling immensely grateful that he was doing so much for me, but also that he enjoyed doing it. Jace never harbored any feelings of resentment, rather just duty and love. I didn’t think I’d ever get over how lucky I was that we found each other. “Thanks, J,” I murmured.

He gave me a smile and another kiss. “Welcome, baby… be right back.”

He slipped out of the bedroom and I closed my eyes, relaxing back into the bed. It was a relief to not only be out of the car, but to also have the pain in my stomach and bowels subside. It wasn’t that I hadn’t expected some discomfort, but it had caught me off guard being unable to relieve the bowel pains until the plug was out. I breathed slowly, the pain in my back and shoulders lessening as I relaxed further into the pillows, and made a mental note to ask Jace for some pain meds to take the edge off so I could nap.

A couple minutes later, Jace came back into the bedroom. He set the tote beside the bench and brought the small oxygen compressor to the head of the bed. He pulled a cord from the bag it was in and plugged one end into the machine and the other into a power strip beside the bed. He switched the machine on after a moment, then tucked the cannula into my nose and tubing over my ears. We shared a smile and he undid the strap across my forehead, kissing it lightly. “How about a few less braces to nap in?” He asked.

“Yes, please,” I replied, knowing that with a few less braces, or more comfortable ones, I’d definitely be able to sleep.

Jace nodded and easily unstrapped the SOMI and TLSO, carefully removing them and setting them at the end of the bed. From the tote he grabbed a heating pad and the soft collar I usually slept in. He fastened it snuggly around my neck then helped me sit up so he could put the heating pad behind my back and shoulders. He plugged it into the same power strip and turned it onto a medium setting. I settled back onto it and adjusted the pillow behind my head, already feeling comfier. Jace then swapped my wrist braces for the more padded night splints, as well as taking off the bulky walking boots, slipping socks over my now cold feet and toes, and putting them into the soft splints. He pulled the comforter up, tucking it gently around me. “Okay?” He asked.

I nodded. “Already feel better,” I told him. “But maybe some pain meds? Just take the edge off.”

“Of course.” He gave me a small kiss and walked out of the room again, but returned in a quick minute with my water cup. I could hear it rattling with fresh ice as he walked to the bed. He grabbed the bag of my meds from the tote and quickly looked thru the bottles, finding the low-dose Oxy prescription. He took out one pill and set the rest of the meds aside, offering me a drink of water and slipping the pill into my mouth. I swallowed it easily and we shared another kiss. “Have a good nap, baby. I’ll come check on you if you’re not awake for meds in a couple hours, okay?”

I nodded, feeling drowsy from the warmth of the heating pad and blankets. “Thank you,” I said, my voice quiet. “M’sorry…” my voice hitched, feeling suddenly emotional, “I’m sorry this didn’t go better and this wasn’t happier finally getting here… I know how much you’ve been looking forward to it.” Tears pricked my eyes again as I apologized, disliking how my disabilities had interfered with our weekend plans.

Jace shook his head, brow furrowing. “Baby, you don’t have to apologize,” he said. “We have plenty of time to enjoy being here at the lake when you’re feeling better. I knew the car ride would be long for you and figured you’d need some time to rest like this once we got here… you don’t have to be sorry for not feeling one hundred percent after just getting here, okay? You just need to rest.” He smoothed back my hair and gave me a long, reassuring kiss. “Just sleep, baby. The lake will still be here when you wake up.”

I laughed sleepily and nodded, closing my eyes. I knew he was right; we had the whole long weekend ahead of us to enjoy the house and the lake. I was just overreacting to the long trip and the pain. I let out a heavy sigh and felt Jace smooth his hand over my forehead.

“Just sleep, Lulu,” he whispered to me, then kissed the corner of my mouth. “Love you, sweetheart.”

“Mmm.” I hummed appreciatively in reply and felt Jace smooth the oxygen tubing and tuck the comforter a little tighter. My breaths were soft and soon enough I fell right to sleep, grateful I could simply rest.

An hour and a half later I woke up from the nap, feeling warm and drowsy. For just a moment I didn’t recognize where I was, but then the car ride and lake flashed in my mind. I took a deep breath, stretching my body back into the bed. My back and shoulders felt much looser and I continued to breathe deeply, the fog cleared from my head. I felt relief then, that I felt immensely better than when we’d arrived, and I’d be able to enjoy the rest of the first day of our trip.

I slowly pushed the comforter from around me, slipped the bulky night splints from my hands, and reached for my phone on the nightstand. I glanced through my notifications, seeing lots of likes on both my stories and posts, and lots of comments and messages. I tapped the app open and briefly scrolled through the activity on it, liking a few comments and replying to some that asked if the harness and halter had made a difference. I pinned one of my replies, saying that the new setup had made the long car ride more comfortable and it hadn’t triggered any CCI or migraine symptoms, and the supplemental oxygen was definitely helping too.

I swiped over to my story then, adding a short video of the bedroom and my current setup in bed, explaining I’d needed to nap as soon as we’d arrived, but was feeling better now. Next I added a picture of my wheelchair with text that I was looking forward to using it for the weekend. Then I added one more picture of me laying in bed with the comforter pushed aside to show my splinted feet, my braced leg, and the faint outline of the diaper and chastity belt under my leggings. I put text on that pic saying ‘Stay tuned for what’s next!’

By the time I posted that picture, reactions were already coming in on the other posts and I couldn’t help smiling. I was so fortunate to have the community I did, especially with so many followers invested in my updates and wellbeing. I loved that I had finally found a space where I could share everything I was going through, and was able to connect and commiserate with others who were dealing with the same issues I was. It made it easier to accept my disabilities and prognosis, but also to know I wasn’t alone, even when it came to feeling like it was all somehow meant to be this way. I’d connected with a couple other women who felt exactly like I did - that they weren’t fully themselves until they’d become disabled, and it was only after their diagnoses and needing medical care and mobility aids when they finally felt “whole.” We all felt it deeply and agreed that now we couldn’t imagine our lives any other way.

I smiled to myself as a notification came thru from Jace’s account that he’d shared my story, and I realized I needed to share his earlier posts. I tapped thru and added them to my story, adding little stickers and emojis, happy we were able to share this weekend with each other and excited to get it started finally.

I discarded my phone back to the nightstand then carefully sat up, using the bed’s grab bars as I scooted to the side of the bed. I exhaled heavily, mostly just feeling a vague soreness that I was used to when I had a long day. I sat for a minute on the edge of the bed, took a few long drinks of water, then situated the oxygen unit on the back of my wheelchair, unplugging it from the wall outlet and checking it was fully charged. I transferred into the wheelchair easily, then fixed the length of tubing that extended from the bag. Once that was done I pushed myself to the end of the bed and changed a few braces. I put the walking boots and wrist braces back on, and strapped my soft TLSO brace on. I knew I’d use my chair the rest of the day, so I tucked the abduction pad between my thighs, just above my knees, and secured a strap around my legs, then another over my ankles so my feet wouldn’t slip from the footplate. Lastly, I secured the chest strap, fastening it just under my breasts and tightening it so my body was held comfortably against the backrest. I rolled the chair away from the bed and turned a circle in the bedroom, now admiring the exposed wood beams on the ceiling and the stained shiplap on the walls. I knew the rest of the house would be just as beautiful, and I was extremely thankful to be feeling better so I could enjoy it.

I wheeled back to the bedside table to retrieve my phone and water cup, putting them into their respective holders on the chair, then pushed myself out of the bedroom and down the hallway into the great room. My wheelchair glided effortlessly over the wood floors and somehow the moment felt kismet. Deja vu swept over me; had I been here before? It felt so familiar, but somehow I knew it was simply the universe reinforcing to me that I was right where I needed to be. This moment, this relationship, this place, and who I’d become in my new body and life were exactly where I was meant to be.

I smiled to myself, silently thanking the universe for letting my life become what I’d wanted, and giving an affirmation that I wouldn’t take its gifts for granted. I knew it hadn’t been a perfect path to uncover my disabilities, nor find the relationship that fully appreciated me and my debilitating situation, but now it had come to fruition, and truly I’d never been happier.

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