hopthere

[hopthere]

I have to admit, life is pretty solid rn. Im getting alng with the girls in my coding program and I have set plans with my student I have been teaching. Im doing well in my summer work and I am talking to my school friends. Im happy. I am happy that I am happy.

I joined a DND group and OMG i freaking love the concept. I think I might take the risk and join another compaign since one of the others ones dont seem active and i need smth for the summer. Ive become rlly sociable, or thats just me online

I got 2 CDs with my friend and then got a cd player. Not the best according to the reviews, but it is good for me. Ive been listening to an audiobook, Illuminae. Its rlly cool, great audible experience and as I flip through the book, a big visual experience too. I dont regrent consuming it as a audiobook though bc i think bc of the formatting of the book I would have felt more disconnected from the characters and also... ITS A FULL CAST

[hopthere]

im scared of myself. Sometimes ill just be so frusterated with myself ill start bsnging my head, pinching my thighs. And thought of things I can't even write down

[hopthere]

it kinda sucks when it feels like ur standing up and then you feel yourself double over and fall off the stairs

Hurts worse when you cant blame it on anyone but yourself

[hopthere]

i like to imagine screaming in a void to be loved, to be hugged, to be comforted, and to be touched

but really i think being in the void would be enough.

[hopthere]

with the school year ending, i want to remind myself im not alone.

Yeah sure im physically alone and I have a hard time letting others in abt my feelings directly, but aren't most teenagers? Most teenagers dont get a hug when they cry in the dead of night, most teenager don't have someone to tell them they are doing good when they need it the most, and most teenagers feel, at some level, alone.

So sure this summer I'll be crying, begging God to send a sign that I can be loved, but I won't be the only one. Maybe or maybe not in that specificity.

Ill miss school, for the temporary high it gives me that people care about my presence, that I am worthy of love just by being. Because deep down I know I am, even with the mess of being just me and my parents and the time we have together

[hopthere]

lwk kinda dislike how you ask an adult for questions or help and they're like "yeah, why is it like that?"

Bro idk, I'm asking you. If you don't know, we can find out together, but asking me back the question doesnt help anyone

[hopthere]

I have the lowest grade i have ever had for my last quarter. A few As and B minus. Depending on who you are you'd think im either dramatic or an idiot. Keyword: Depending.

See my family sees these as failing. The undisciplined youngest child. Perhaps I am, but how would I know when I have no one else close enough to help me or tell me truthfully. I don't think anyone does that actually, tell that kinda stuff truthfully I mean, which sucks. I just want to submit my assignments and move onto summer so I cant study. What I mean by studying is not only hitting the books for APs,SATS,ACTs, and the rest of the alphabet, but also learning things like sewing or running. Perhaps maybe a kpop dance or continue studying Mandarin. I love learning, I love school. I guess that's the only thing that should matter, but that's not something easily put on a resume you send to colleges or jobs. It's all good morally, but sometimes morals make you broke and looked down upon.

I had a bad quarter, my other report cards have All As(except French, Hate that class. Ill live with that being a B). I just wish I knew why. Why this sudden change in my work? Maybe it was the projects or change of number of assignments. I just with I Knew.

I feel like Kana Arima most of the time

Say "That girl's useful" and I'll be a real workhorse. Praise me for my hard work… and I'll do my best to work even harder. But even with all that… Somebody… Anybody… Tell me it's okay for me to be here.

My friend gets most of the praise. She works hard and opens up enough to people to be likeable. Her situation rn is rough. Im not living in her shadow or anything, I just want someone to tell me I'm doing a good job or that "It was a rough month, wanna talk about it?"

I usually shut off the light at night and wrap my arms around my waist or stroking my hair whispering to myself in the third person, words of comfort.

"It's alright Surya. You're doing good Surya" But I don't know who I'm imagining doing that for me.

I once did it to the friend I mentioned. I pat her head and told her "You're doing a good job, I'm proud of you" and she started crying. I would to. Anyways, I didn't know what to do so I hugged her, then got afraid she was overstimulated so I moved away.

I hope she finds someone who does tell her that and knows what to do

[hopthere]

I read somewhere that whatever you are going through just write it down. Whenever I started an account I always thought it needed to be well polished and organized, but that entirely contrast who I am as a person or what the state I am in rn looks like. Sure clean, polished, curated accounts help me become a better person and maybe visual who I want to become, but lets see where the process goes rn shall we?

I feel ignored sometimes. Not undeserved ignores though. I'm smart, taking and skipping math classes before high school but not smart enough to really make a mark. Honestly I wanna keep trying but im losing motivation to do so day by day. I feel like an idiot honestly. I have friends I feel so close to, but I don't know how to tell them this. Sometimes they will let out small remarks about saying how they trust someone else more then me and how Im not the one to ask. again, not undeserved. I wish though there was someone rooting for me. Like someone who believed I could do good. Someone who will literally be by my side and understand me.

I wish It felt easier for me to be more vulnerable.

I don't think I deserve love before my friends find it.

On those two points. My parents have all daughters and coming from a more traditional community, you can expect that we have some expected restrictions. Though my parents have often heard that they raised my sisters and me like boys. Not only to be independent in our livelihoods and careers but in our relationships in a way. My sisters live away from home now since they both finished college. My oldest sister who probably has anxiety but whatisthatinanasianhousehold, has married a patient and understanding man. go her. My other sister is purely gifted, smart, ivy league grad, but she tends to do things her own way. Im convinced she has a secret boyfriend, no way the same boy calls,texts, and plays chess.com with you for what is basically 9 months at this point platonically(i wish, but that a story for another time). Yes, she has said hurtful things to me, but I would never tell to my parents. Im no snitch.

My friends are going through...so many things teens shouldnt have to. Things I dont know if I can write down here. Im privliged. Im aware of that. I keep those complaints and feelings to myself. Anything go wrong it is my own fault. I don't deserve love. They do. Gosh I wish someone was there to make them feel less alone, know they are loved. I wish I knew how to do that. unfortunatly, I am sobbing in my room with my chest in serious pain because, what, im lonely and I think no one understands me and I cannot even imagine someone loving me? wow, sucks. I live in a comfortable house with educated parents and im still sobbing? yeah, take a hike me.