howigothurt

[howigothurt]

[howigothurt]

There’s no need to worry. There’s no need to stress. I’m making myself happy by thinking much less. There’s no need for suffering. There’s no need for tears. I’ve been working on being better for years.

I’ve finally learned that I’m stronger than my thoughts. And I’ve realized how happier I am than I make myself out to be. I’m way less lonely now when I always got my own back. And I’m so much less sensitive now when I stand up tall and believe in myself.

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Making myself happy.

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I do have regrets, she said.

I wish I could have asked them to stay. I wish I would have known how important it was, just to have them. I feel lonely now. Usually on days when I see them together.

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It started slowly. As if I didn’t even know that it was happening. Before I knew it, everything was over. And somewhere in between I fell apart.

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”Can I just ask you something?”

“Will I be able to answer this?”

“Yes, I think you will. I’m just curious about how many girls you’ve said no to? How many that wanted you and couldn’t have you? I’m pretty sure I’ll be one of them.”

“If you already knew the answer to that question why did you ask? And also, why did you ever come here in the first place then?”

”Because I’ve always told myself never to walk away from anything that feels good. It shouldn’t have to end before it has to. I’ll rather feel happy and then sad than just settle for feeling okey for a while.”

[howigothurt]

[howigothurt]

Vi känner inte varandra. Vi är bara två personer som möts på en allmän plats på en tisdag. Vi dricker vin och äter oliver. Vi spelar spel på en bar och tävlar om vem som vinner. Vi skrattar och sedan kysser vi varandra och sen säger vi hejdå.

Vi känner inte varandra, men det är dagen innan min födelsedag och vi äter lunch. Vi går på promenad och går plötsligt mot din lägenhet. Vi hånglar och kollar film. Och snart säger vi saker som ”oj vad du är fin” och ”ligger du bra?” Vi pratar i timmar och tycker det är tråkigt när jag behöver åka hem.

Vi känner inte varandra. Det är torsdag och vi ska sova ihop. Jag kommer ifrån jobbet och du har pluggat hela dagen. Vi kysser varandra medans vi väntar på thaimat. Sen ligger vi i din soffa, i din säng och på ditt golv. Vi bryr oss inte att klockan är sent och att filmen bara börjat. Du håller om mig och klämmer på mina kinder när jag skrattar. Och sen är det morgon och då säger du att vi ses snart igen.

Vi känner inte varandra fastän vi har träffats förut. Nu möts vi i din hall och pussar varandra hej. Vi lagar pasta ihop och smeker varandra under bordet. Vi vill spela spel men har sex istället. Jag tar bort mitt smink och lånar din T-shirt och sedan myser vi. När kvällen kommer kan vi inte sova, så vi ligger med varandra igen. När morgonen kommer så äter vi pannkakor och sedan går vi åt två olika håll.

Vi säger att vi ska ses men jag vet inte. Vi kysser varandra hejdå och sen så blickar du bara framåt. Vi känner inte varandra men vi är vänner på Facebook. Kanske tar du bort mig när pirret i din mage slutar kännas och lukten av min kropp slutar lukta i din T-shirt. Var det våran sista kyss, den där fredagen då du lämnade mig vid spårvagnen. Var det allt som blev.

Du och jag. Du. Och jag. Vi lärde kanske aldrig känna varandra. Så varför är det så svårt att glömma.

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I look over and you’re already smiling. You touch me just the way I want to be touched. And when we kiss I swear there is fireworks. We can talk for hours and I still can’t get enough of listening to you’re voice. You cook for me, and I do it for you too. We sleep closely together and I never feel alone when you’re there. You’re so real and it scares me. I feel you so much and it almost hurts. It feels right and I don’t know what to do now, when all I want is to be yours.

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I don’t think I can be alone anymore, not right now. Because for the first time in my life it actually makes me feel lonely.

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I need to find a distraction from myself. Something to keep me sane. Someone who will make me forget to check my phone every third minute and that will make time matter again.

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I guess there's no such thing as finding balance to what you want and what you need in life. I'm constantly finding myself going against my will to later on struggling with staying in the position I've put myself in. On a daily basis a make choices I'll later on regret and I often don't feel to good about it. Every now and then I'm making decisions based on someone else's craving, just to realize that wasn't really what I wanted. It's strange, to feel so strongly about something that can easily be changed. All I'd have to do is listen to myself more. But part of me can't accept the person I actually am, and part of me is fighting so hard to prove I'm actually different. It's a constant battle with heart and soul, living and working, accepting and adapting. Non in which I'm winning. I need to hear that people function the same way I do just to stay sane about it. I have to know there's a way out of it and believe that things will take a turn for the better, just to cope. But in that moment, when I'm laying in bed and my head is beating me up for what I've done that day, there's no stopping me from going deep into those emotions. Because although my heart is still beating and my legs are still working there's a lot of stuff broken. I feel beaten down and to the point where nothing really matters anymore. I feel nothing. Nothing other than regret. And regretting is pointless, because there's no going back. And going back would only mean that I'll do it again.

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I can't find peace. Within myself compared to the outside world. There's no peace. There's not a second when I can fully and truly feel present in a moment, I'm constantly wondering what it's like out there. On the other side of the world, in my home town or on the other side of the street. Just anywhere else than where I'm at. I make myself feel guilty for spending hours in the same position on the couch and forcing myself walk around the house just to feel like I'm doing something worth while. I can't find peace when I'm at work, sitting in the office. Where I'm supposed to be and have to stay for another few hours. I take one extra bathroom break just to make sure my legs are still working. I go to the gym twice in one day if all I did that day was lay on my rooftop tanning, just to make myself feel better about those hours where I wasn't doing anything socially expectable. I make sure there's something I need from the grocery store, or buy another mascara before the other one runs out, go to see that place that I've been to more times than I can count, just to feel alive. I can't find peace, in any moment at any time. Not while I'm working, not while I'm walking and not even while I'm sleeping. There's something inside me saying I'm not doing enough, and my body responds. Therefor I can't find peace, because I can not allow myself to be peaceful.

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The other day I had trouble sleeping and I found myself thinking about what it was like this time a year ago. I always forget about feelings in the past, for the people that were in my life at that time or current issues that I was experiencing. It’s like I’m secretly creating a wall, as every day goes by one brick is starched on the other, and sometimes during a sleepless night one of those bricks falls. And to pick it up and put I back I have to see it, and try to figure out where it’s placed. That night I had several bricks falling down, one by one made me less tired and more focused on my past. One brick was you. One brick was anxiety. And the other ones I can’t remember. But as I was trying to put them back, none of them seemed to fit. Because where there was a whole in the wall, there was no space for them. It’s like they didn’t want to be there because they were waiting to once again get starched at the very top. As if it was happening right now. As if you and the anxiety suddenly had started building inside of me again. So I started to remember you. And it. And what it did to me, what it’s done to me. How you could still be affecting me and how you still hurt. A year ago I was struggling to keep my heart rate down while thinking of you, that I was soon going to see you. And I couldn’t control myself, so I felt anxious. One to many times I went to bed feeling the worst I’ve ever felt, hating myself for what I was doing to my body and to my mind. Today I don’t know the reason for thinking of you, but I guess it’s just what it is. The way that heartache will remain inside you and show itself only in times when you’re afraid it’s going to stand in the way of something new, something that can be greater. And how anxiety shows a roll in every decision that I make. Because no matter what my mind is telling me there’s always going to be another part of my body speaking for itself, wanting something different. And until I figure out how to listen to all of my body and find some balance, there’s going to be times when I go to bed hating myself again. So I’ll keep on building myself up, and breaking it down.

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For when you're stuck; not in a moment, not in a movement, more in general. In life. When it feels as if parts of you are arguing over what's worth living for and the other part is suffering. It's breaking me up and I'm falling apart over leaving things I love in a distance to far away for me to reach. And I'm happy while I'm sad, because I'm easily distracted. Whenever I feel lonely it's only because I forget to talk to the ones that really matters. And when I'm too busy living I'm remembered by the hours I spent feeling bored. I'm stuck because I'm not working properly. And I don't know how to be fixed.

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One. Two. Three. And breathe. I'm so tired, of saying sorry to myself.