howtodateavampire-blog

[howtodateavampire-blog]

We froze mushed strawberries and made the yummiest “shaved ice”

[howtodateavampire-blog]

this is me

Reblog if you're a nobody on Tumblr.

[howtodateavampire-blog]

I get asked this question a lot

Maybe it’s because my mom is an ex-demon (The “ex” in “ex-demon” is super important. God, just ask her) and my dad is a vampire (he prefers the term “nocturnally-enhanced.” Really??), but the question I always get asked is this:

“What’s it like to date a guy who isn’t human?”

To which I lay down the snarky reply: “What’s it like to date a guy who is human?”

Because I’ve never dated a regular human guy.

Not once.

Not even for that Sadie Hawkins dance in the eighth grade (And how is a Sadie Hawkins dance still a thing? In 2017?!). I made the mistake of asking Nolan Brandt, and when he said no I told him my mom would suck his soul right out of his nostrils and feast on his emotions for days. 

He still said no. 

He also told his mom (wtf?), who in turn told that gossipy bitch Ms. Hoxley, who told Sarah’s mom, who told MY mom, and, well... I was grounded for a week.

I’m pretty sure Nolan also told half of the entire eighth grade at Franklin Middle School, or at least the male half, because the next thing I knew I had supernatural freaks lining up to ask me out.

Sarah thinks this is sick af.

It’s not.

It sucks.

My parents, by the way, are overjoyed at this. Especially dad. Tonight he actually said, “You got woke.” And he grinned. He was so proud of himself.

I wish I were dead. 

No. Wait. Definitely do NOT wish I were dead. Then the only guys I’d be able to go out with would be vampires. I’m pretty sure Dad would legit buy me a new car if that happened.

So here I am chronicling all the wackos strolling in and out of my shitty love life on Tumblr, but all I want is a normal guy.

[howtodateavampire-blog]

I stopped being afraid of monsters when I started writing. We work together now.

Wanna hear a scary story? (via housewiththereddoor)