huddlebong

[huddlebong]

20th of february 2020

things are so much better now, compared to the state i was in a year or two ago. 

i’m happy with francine, i’m satisfied with my friends, and i feel like having my family around me every time i’m home. i don’t wish for anything, or expect, or want. maybe a volleyball, but francine and i will be going out to attempt to buy one so we can finally play together.

i just passed by this site to see how well i’ve all handled it.

jjamppong, or anyone going through problems right now, remember this: it’ll all get better. it may sound like bullshit, it may sound like i don’t know what i’m talking about, but trust me: even though perhaps i may not really do know how much pain you’re suffering right now, you’ll be able to go through it. not escape, not avoid, but go through. you’ll conquer it. or them. all of them. you can do it. little by little, you can open your eyes without being afraid of what you’re going to see. 

[huddlebong]

yep.

2019-04-01

currently typing down angge’s request. i’m around 16 pages by now.

[huddlebong]

numb and confused

thirty-first of march, twenty-nineteen

had a dream. i’m having a hard time remembering the events, but it was crystal clear that my ex was in there. wishing me the best.

oh, yeah. it was... i was in a tuxedo, and i was buying something. i was running an errand, i guess. i was waiting for a long time to fetch the things i bought, but i don’t know why. 

i deactivated my shitposting account in facebook and blocked my friends, except francine. i’m petty so i just chose the ignore messages option.

i feel so done with certain things and i don’t want to go back. 

hopefully, twitter and tumblr is a good alternative. 

though i’m thinking of the useful facebook groups i was in. hmmm...

nah, they’re all about memes anyway.

[huddlebong]

went beside a truck, thought of going through it

had a pitcher full of water from my dorm. i threw out the water and carried it.

knocked out a guy and explained, "it was to assure my confidence that even though you're stronger than me, there's a move out there that can give me the upper hand and knock you out."

[huddlebong]

double dream

twentieth of december, twenty-eighteen

i was in an all-white apartment / condominium where i was expecting to see my father. my mom called me but i didn't understand what she said, that's why my sister called me too and told me what my mom said: to buy a case of beer. (i don't know how that's connected with my father, but it's a dream, so what can i expect anyway.)

i don't know how my first dream transitioned to the second -- if i woke up before the second happened, or if it's two intertwined events, i don't know.

grade 12 students from jpi were there. i remember jessie talking to me. there was this time i went hiding with francine behind tall grass, then someone called me (probably jessie) and i left her behind. they were forming a circle, lying in the center was francine's apparition. i don't know how that happened. she was just with me a moment ago. i don't know if this happened or i just can't clearly remember the dream, but francine stated she wasn't that... whatever that thing was.

another part of my dream was spectating a court hearing. it was about a country mudstained by a particular president in the current seat. his government positions was unfair and overruled. emma watson, for some reason, was there, and was favoured by the court. she kicked out her two subordinates and listed his husband as the new member... which was my brother, for some reason. i don't know, my dream just gave me his resume picture.

at some point, i was walking down a road similar to pagala's, and went inside a

[huddlebong]

badtrip. gusto ko nalang magpasagasa sa trak.

[huddlebong]

[huddlebong]

mango slices

tenth of december twenty-eighteen

went to sm north with my brother and my nephew. bought max a toy and that’s kinda it. i took a shot of glance to a music store and saw a decent guitar with the price tag of 6k. gotta save up more, i guess. 

ate mango slices on the way home. it was a good day.

[huddlebong]

coming back ‘round

ninth of december twenty-eighteen

stumbled upon this little blog of mine that served as my diary in the past. 

well, obviously, numerous events of importance transpired these past months. i dropped out of college, i went to my first music festival with francine, and the wearing off of my suicidal tendencies...

...which was starting to act up again, that’s why i’m here once again.

but for the most part, dropping out of college was the heaviest decision i ever took on, at least in this year. 

it was around the start of august, i guess, that i got myself in a boarding house of college students of my former state university with my two other friends, romy and josh. but that wasn’t where it all started. if it wasn’t for romy, i wouldn’t have gone to that school and live in that dormitory. and if it wasn’t for reign and her 18th birthday celebration, i wouldn’t be able to meet romy.

i just looked for reign’s birthday because i forgot when it took place but apparently it was around may. her facebook info stated that her birthday’s may 2, but the day the 18th birthday was celebrated may have been later. 

anyway, i don’t exactly remember but i think it was romy hitting my chat up and asking if i already had somewhere to stay for the upcoming classes. we then agreed to meet up, look around the bedspacings and apartments available, then settled for a place his friend recommended, and the rest was history.

i brought josh into the place and the two became friends eventually. most of the time, we’d just play games in the nearby computer shop and lose track of time and let our growling stomachs take us out of that tempting paradise. 

fine arts was a part of the circles of hell as described in dante’s inferno. it was like, you were punished for being given a talent. “oh, you like to draw? let us fuck you up and give you daily deadlines.”

i was stressed most of the time, and my two boardmates know about that part the most. but the rewarding moments was when mama would go and visit us and bring some food that’s oh holy fuck it’s so heavenly. those moments would be the only ones we could afford to get some extra rice into our stomachs. 

[huddlebong]

jumping rope... later.

twenty-seventh of july, twenty-eighteen

> i dreamed about a kid who had some pokemon games and i was like, “i-SHAREit mo naman!”, and i think joshua was there too.

i also dreamed of another thing, but i forgot about it as i’m about to type this log.

> i exercised last night, and my body didn’t hurt as much as it did back then whenever i wake up in the morning. it’s all good. i’m planning to jump-rope later.

[huddlebong]

nyehehehehehehehehehehehhehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehhehehhee

twenty-sixth of july, twenty-eighteen

> this was the first time francine told me the words “i love you.” AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA. but there was no sudden surge of emotions, it was just, so calm, and i liked it. like, it’s not like the feeling of how the universe was created when the big bang happened, but rather, how buddha meditated and reached enlightenment. i know i’m not making any sense right now but that’s how i felt. 

> yesterday, i went to bulsu alone, because bea didn’t go, saying no reason for her decision. mama and stepfather left the shop closed and ericka (our shop assistant) was told to go home around 11 a.m. 

i just sat for like, 1:30 p.m. to 7. what’s that, like, six fucking hours of just sitting idly? that’s way worse than what i do everyday in my room -- not deciding what to do with my laptop. 

we were just given student handbooks, told the rules and regulations, met some of the department’s officials and student organizations. some raffles were given, but i didn’t participate in any of them. one game required bringing the host the new five-peso coin, but i didn’t budge. hahaha. the prize was a t-square bag or something.

the ride home was torture. my butt cheeks were crying, so i went to sta. maria’s mcdonald’s and bought a hotdog, fries, and a cup of sprite. i ate them at the municipality while waiting for the jeep to come.

every moment of standing up was a miracle come true for my butt cheeks.

when i was about to arrive home, lumagpas ako. i walked for like a minute before slumping in my bed. 

and that’s that.

> oh yeah, i dreamed about mark neumann’s gayness. he was with the rock, in the wowowin stage, interpreting hugot lines while flamboyantly showing his gayness. there was a game that he was sipping water from a bottle held in a provocative manner by the rock, and he “accidentally” sucked the whole bottle. there was groups of tables after that, and in the table i was in, we discussed about mark neumann’s gayness, how he sucked that water bottle and showed his gayness.

i don’t know if that’s a sign that i might turn gay, or i’m just thinking too much about mark neumann’s gayness. 

the film i love you hater is to blame here.

[huddlebong]

beats.

twenty-fourth of july, twenty-eighteen

> i can’t do a reggae mute in the ukulele because of the moving bone in my left ring finger. it all started back in the 2017 intramurals of jpi, where i played a bit of basketball not because i wanted to but because it was graded, and the ball bounced exactly from the ground to my finger. since then, i wasn’t able to crunch my left knuckles like how i always did in the past.

> i left the group chat of syl last night and i’m still not talking to francine. i don’t know where this will all lead up to, but here i am, socially disabled once again.

>  "maybe that's what family really is... a group of people who miss the same imaginary place." -- andrew, from the film garden state.

> it’s funny how you’d change your mind over such a little span of time. i would always say, in the past, that i wouldn���t last around 40 years, but that idea’s been slowly scrapped from my mind. i need to take care of myself.

[huddlebong]

tears.

twenty-third of july, twenty-eighteen

crying at lunch. was so fucking hungry. 

i don’t feel like writing here because i just can’t get the energy to do it. feels like i’m doing it for the sake of doing it. like, this could be useful if i get an amnesia, or if i finally kill myself.

treated syl to greenwich last night. had a series of dramas that occurred before i got the money to treat them. two of them, kai and angge, left us in the mall, respectively. kai just became overwhelmed by the situation so she went home, and angge didn’t feel well. 

[huddlebong]

dreams and more dreams.

twentieth of july, twenty-eighteen

we were in an unfamiliar building, but i knew it was my former school. i can’t go into details because even though the events were clear, how a dream appeared and felt like isn’t really something that one can vividly remember.

i don’t know the other people i’m with inside the room because yeah, dreams. if i try to remember it, their faces will just be blurred or something. that’s how our mind works -- it creates something just to fill a void in a thought or memory.

anyway, our proctor (we were about to take an exam but i can’t remember how i concluded this, probably there was something that gave me an idea that it was an exam) was, i think, a local actor. anyway, for some reason, he gave josh and i an errand: he wants us to find ms. norte and mr. mundo.

oh yeah! before that, we were given like five minutes of recess before taking the exam, so i invited josh to go downstairs and eat. but when we were about to take the opportunity, there was something our proctor explained and he made the two of us go chase the ms. norte and mr. mundo.

i went outside, but i was daunted by the number of people in the crowds, flocking as they took their own examinations. i just went back inside, and sat down. then i saw josh being asked by another exam-mate of ours, saying, “have you already found ms. norte?” and he nodded. in a josh-like manner.

then, seeing that my friend had already finished his responsibility, i went back outside to try to search for someone who knows mr. mundo. i know i saw some familiar faces that exist in our reality, but i didn’t interact with them. probably because that if they’re teachers, they’re proctors in my dreams and examinees if they’re students.

i realized that how i act in real life is also the way i act in my dreams.

i managed to find ma’am crisostomo, my ninth-grade math teacher. i asked her if she knew mr. mundo, but she made no effort to reply. she was taking recess then, i think. i tailed her to make her say something, as she laid her food on the table of a bit rugged-type of a cafeteria table section. it’s like those sizzling houses in sta. maria that’s never cleaned, but dust was merely brushed off, the food stains wiped. she sat beside someone who looks like a student, probably her son or something. (i thought she was sitting on his lap, but when i got closer, she wasn’t.) i

[huddlebong]

cuts.

“eighteenth of july, twenty-eighteen

it was my first time cutting my wrists (well, not exactly wrists, but arms) last night, and i call them pussy cuts, because they’re goddamned shallow. i was too scared to deepen the wounds and go to the doctor if excessive bleeding happens. 

i’m working in the shop right now, and it’s like 11 a.m. but there’s almost no customer to attend to. and whenever there are people, they’d just want to photocopy some documents. funny how some papers can decide how miserable our lives are.

i’ll try to cut again some time later. i want it to scar, to show people how much i’m hurting. yeah, it’s just narcissism working, trying to get attention and bullshit like that. but that’s the point. to get their attention. to make them do something. to fucking act. (i’m pertaining to my parents, of course.)

to my estranged sister, ate cath...

it’s been a long time since we last saw each other. well, that’s how we bonded anyway. a day or two in a year, and that’s that. you’re eight years older than me, so that’s no surprise. 

it’s a shame we never really knew each other. i mean, right now, i don’t even know you. i just know that you’re my sister, and that you lived with us some time in the past. yeah, forgetfulness. i can’t even remember a single conversation we had.

i don’t even know if i should thank you or apologize for something, because i don’t remember how we interacted with each other. 

wait, yeah, there’s one thing i remember. i was around 9 or 10 years old back then, and i asked you and kuya manel about the english translation for pariwara, or something like that. (i can’t remember if i asked walang ingat or what, but...) you said it was “clumsy”. i was writing about president arroyo’s management of her presidency back then, using a stenography notebook you had for college.

there’s one thing, too. when you celebrated your debut, we were still in baliuag, and you were still with kuya emman. i told you you were maganda, but i can’t remember your reaction.

the relationship you had with kuya emman was something i was curious about all the time, and i wanted to ask you about what happened, and why did it go to that direction. why you broke up. because i shipped you too together, for real, back then. hahaha. pero ‘yun ‘yung uri ng mga bagay na mahirap i-discuss, that’s why i never thought about it that much.

well, you have your own family now. take care of xoey. i hope that she’ll be a kind person. i wish your family the best. 

i guess 28 never really worked, huh.

i just got home from running an errand. i bought some envelopes that weren’t the right sizes so unsurprisingly, mama got mad and treated me like a dumpsite once again. (i use this expression in reference with the saying, “people are like garbage trucks. all the stench of their thoughts and the rottenness of their attitudes will be converted into words and they’ll dump their garbage load unto you if they get the chance.”) 

it’s simple, really. parents shouldn’t wonder why their children are throwing off some distance between their relationships at home, because those kids’ friends would ask “are you okay?” more frequently than a parent would, giving them the idea that home isn’t in their house, but in their friends’ words, in their hearts.

anyway, tito just sent me $100 and that’s the best thing that happened today. i plan to treat >||| to a pizza or something to reunite before the start of my classes, but it’s uncertain if we can go as a whole group once again.

[huddlebong]

to my loved ones, and despised ones.

seventeenth of july, twenty-eighteen

i was gonna kill myself tonight, but the municipality cancelled all classes, so i had less work to do, meaning less stress. and i can’t kill myself with insufficient stress, so meh. 

maybe tomorrow.

looks like i have more time to prepare. let’s see... i still haven’t typed any messages to anyone... it won’t be good to go down without saying anything to the people i love... and hate.

to my dear brother, kuya manel.

i know you’re not really on good terms with the idea of how i think, and how i turned out to be. of how aggressive, psycho, twisted i am... 

thank you for everything. you were the most influential person in my childhood. if you didn’t do the things you did back then, i wouldn’t be shaped as the person i am.

you liked games, and i eventually did too. especially pokémon. i wish i had more time to play the games you recommended me to play, but oh well. 

you loved drawing, and i eventually did too. remember when you were drawing about crusades of... seljuk turks? i can’t really remember them now. but yeah, you did say that too. “kung hindi naman ako nag-drowing eh, hindi ka rin naman magdo-drowing,” which was true. i hate how conceited that statement really is, but it’s the truth.

we shared our personal preferences with the internet, but you gotta admit that i’m the dank one between the two of us. my meme preferences were weird, and that’s ridiculously and inexplicably hilarious for me. you wouldn’t get it, you old swine. 

i know you’d raise max in a good way, mold him to be a kind person. even though you had a bad start, and a worse continuation of the situation... i’m glad you’re still you despite the challenges. and if he won’t be able to be what you ought him to be, don’t exhaust yourself into overthinking. you are not the master of the universe, and you shouldn’t try to interfere with the fate of it. things turn out to what they can, will, and may turn out to be. you just have the blend your warmth with the process. i gotta admit that i’d sometimes think that you’ve made my life harder than it already should be, because max appeared in most scenes in my everyday life. but you should know that that’s just anger and frustration talking. 

there are a lot of things i have to thank you for, but unfortunately, i can’t even remember the reasons to do so. i mean, blame my forgetfulness. 

thanks, kuya. for everything. i’m not sorry, though. things are hard, and you must understand (if you still haven’t) that there are three rules in this world... and you’ll acknowledge them once you watch the movie peaceful warrior. it’s not a psychological thriller / horror, i promise. not like the usual ones i’ve watched. it’s enlightening, so i’d like you to watch it. please do.

to mama,

i’m sorry for being such an unpredictable child. kung hindi niyo man po ako naintindihan sa mga ginagawa ko, hindi niyo po kasalanan. i tried several times to tell you how much i’m hurting, but the message never got across. i can’t just say na, “ma, hirap ako sa trabaho natin. pwede bang hindi ako magtrabaho kapag dumarating ‘yung oras na hindi ko na kinakaya?” i didn’t want you to worry, to blame yourself, to overthink. you had a rough share of bad scenes in your life, and you should already be happy with what you have. i wish you’ll realize how money is a terrible god to worship, and that you mustn’t devote your life into trying to make everything satisfying by accumulating funds for mere properties that would last longer than your life. 

ma, salamat. thank you for being a mom. you’re strong enough to manage to carry all of us to this day, kahit na sobrang hirap noong nasira ang pamilya. 

i won’t sugarcoat my words. marami tayong hindi pagkakaintindihan. i was too immature to hear you out, and you were too focused on your business para pakinggan pa ‘ko. but it wasn’t your fault. you just didn’t have any energy left to deal with me, a human version of a headache in your life. 

marami kang pagkukulang, ma. pero alam natin pareho na mas marami akong nagawang masama. and i’m sorry for that. i emotionally shattered you countless times, by being someone you never expected to be your son. but mama, you must know that you can’t just change people to whatever you want them to be. and you can’t force things out. you must let the current flow in its own ways, and just contribute to the waves. 

oo nga po pala, never blame anyone for my death, mama. no one. not my friends, not some stranger, no one. wala kang sisisihin dahil wala kang dapat sisihin. my death is my choice, directly or not. i wouldn’t like you flipping out on my friends, lalo na sila. at kilala niyo sila. 

you must understand that family doesn’t come first in the life of someone like me, dahil hindi niyo naman ako naintindihan. to truly love someone, you must give way for them to let you understand them. pero i never got the chance to explain to you how painful everything was because we’re two different people. sadyang hindi lang tayo nagkaroon ng common ground, ma.

hindi mo dapat piliting mabuhay ang isang tao sa lugar na pinakakinaaayawan niya. because that will be the start of one’s suffering. it will be a journey of misery, and nothing else. at ang business natin ang unti-unting pumatay sa’kin. dahil hindi ko gusto ang ginagawa ko, at kailanma’y ‘di ko nagustuhan. it was okay at times, when you would decide to close around five o’clock p.m., but whenever that time has passed, i instantly become this furious creature harboring deep-seated grudges and hatred towards everything. i don’t know how you’ve never noticed that, but here we are.

goodbye, ma. i’m sorry na hanggang sa huli, sakit pa rin ako ng ulo mo. please take care of yourself.

to tito laurence, 

salamat po sa pagkupkop sa pamilya namin when we were on the verge of collapse. you really were a kind-hearted person. you tried to be in the family, to be part of it. and i’m sorry that i didn’t treat you the way you should’ve been treated. all the time we were together, i just thought of you as a shadow, someone who i am living with in a house, not in a home. well, i never treated the house as something of a home anyway.

you tried. you made jokes, you would make us laugh. but we know that there’s something of a barrier that makes us apart. that there’s some kind of something that brings you out of the picture. but that wasn’t your fault. we were just different people, and it never worked out. 

thank you for being my stepfather. you did your part, and it was massively helpful. i’m sorry i didn’t talk to you and tried to be closer with you. it’s just that... i don’t feel like being a person whenever i’m in the house.

sana po, alagaan niyo po ang sarili niyo. stop smoking all the damned time. 

[huddlebong]

a summary of events.

(sixteenth of july, twenty-eighteen

on the eleventh of july, francine and i met at waltermart’s national bookstore, between the ages 9-13 books to the young adult fiction section. when i entered the store, i immediately saw her looking at books, and i made my way to hide from her and surprise her from behind. i ended up pretending to read books and as she saw me, i didn’t know what to say to her. i just said, “so... you’re here for a long time, waiting for me. [insert awkward laugh here] so you... uh...”

her: “...?”

me: “nevermind. let’s go.”

and we went to grab tickets for the premiere showing of i love you hater, featuring my favorite love team, joshlia. even though i don’t like romances, their acting performances are stellar and top notch. 

after getting the tickets, we scheduled to enter the cinema around 5:45 p.m., but it was only like 4:40 or something back then, so we had time to grab some snacks.

we went inside the supermarket, and bought snacks we didn’t even eat in the cinema. i remember her saying how fishda was good and that i should try it, but its seafood flavored, so i just passed. 

“how many of these are bad for you?” i remember her asking me when we walked into the snacks section. yes, because of the urolithiasis.

i bought a potato fries ketchup flavor and a yaahoo chocolate biscuits -- something like that. 

i grabbed a big sip bottle and she went for a smaller one.

she paid a hundred though i said that it’s on me. though i’m thankful that she’s that thoughtful. hahaha. i was kinda uncertain if i brought enough money at that moment.

then, i bought two waffles to satisfy my hunger, as she said that the snacks won’t do much, and my stomach supported that reason. 

before we went inside the cinema, we sat on a wooden bench situated just outside of it and i brought out my laptop and told her about the movies i’ve downloaded, as she wasn’t able to bring a flashdrive for me to give her some copies.

we entered the cinema, a bit surprised that it was almost empty. we sat around the middle seats and watched some trailers, one of them a thai comedy movie titled brother of the year which i look forward to seeing, and another local comedy movie starring empoy and zanjo marudo which i forgot what its title was.

the movie was okay, but it was only okay for me because francine was there to watch it with me. lot of cringey scenes and i only honored their performances in the elevator scene. they were mishandled by the director and the drama was forced at times, only to be backed up by the couple’s decent acting skills.

(i can’t remember if we did something in the mall before heading home. god, my forgetfulness is aggravating.)

when we were about to head home, there were no jeepneys, so we stayed in the roof of a branded car branch (toyota?) before heading out and going to the city proper to find a ride home. i didn’t want to ride in the bus because i want to sit beside her at that time and i wished she was hoping for the same expectation.

it rained pretty hard when we arrived at the municipal hall’s front entrance, and we found no jeepney there. francine stated that the jeepneys transfer to that location whenever the clock hits nine o’clock, so it was too early for us to be there. we went to the actual terminal and rode one that then transferred to where we first looked for. (i sat in front of a guy who looked a lot like he was korean. i���m about seventy percent sure that he was, but who knows.)

when we were about to arrive at caypombo, i asked her, “francine, pahiram ng kamay mo,” and i felt like she was hesitant about it at first, trying to measure if i was into some kind of prank or joke or something, but she gave in and i squeezed that damned cute hand of hers, feeling it with my fingers, trying to memorize it and make a map of it in my mind. she made this upwards sigh that kinda made me smile inside. i know i was looking a bit too serious at that moment but that was just because i was nervous that i’m making the wrong moves or acting too fast and expressing too freely.

but i didn’t want to waste any opportunity. i don’t want to remember that day as a regretful one for i didn’t hold francine’s hand when i had the chance.

noong bumaba siya, kinabisado ko ‘yung likod niya, and how she stood, how she held that umbrella, how beautiful she is being just the way she is.

on the thirteenth of july, josh, bush and i went to bulsu to get I.D.’s. it was a quick process, and that delighted me a bit. chloe, angge, kai, and i had discussed that we’ll meet in 7/11 so i can give them some copies of their desired movies. (especially martyrs. they liked the ambiance of the movie and i’m glad because of that~)

then, when the three of us guys were about to head to the place, i thought that maybe it would be a better idea if we let francine come along with us instead of stopping by her territory. nyahaha~ 

so, in a matter of minutes and some grueling messages i had to send, we agreed to meet in the city’s park, but we eventually ended up meeting in our former school, jpi.

we waited for them in the school, as i said to them that we’re gonna visit sheliz in the hospital first before doing anything else. (kai didn’t come along as she said she was experiencing pain in her ligaments or something like that.)

oh yeah, we first watched the movie peaceful warrior before going to the hospital. it made me reflect about certain things, but it didn’t really impact me that much because i was with the club. i prefer watching those kinds of movies alone.

it was my first time entering that place but i just let my feet carry me to wherever i’ll end up, and when i took a turn, it turned out that it was the correct way. it was kinda cool, at least for me.

josh, bush, chloe, angge, francine, and i entered the female medical ward, and sheliz was lying in a bed situated around the corner of the crammed room.

we talked about her illness. i tried to cheer her up by joking around and stuff. we pushed josh into talking with her but the guy won’t make some move. knowing him, i think he’s just scared of making a mistake. 

we left the hospital and walked down towards walter, with bush getting a bit lost on his way because he wasn’t informed about our next destination. i was raving out, pretending to be gay as i walked, clinging to chloe and laughed inside as other people looked at me. i can never read their minds, but it was just amusing to see what expressions they wore that time.

(i can’t remembered if we did anything else before this one:)

we went to world of fun, and i sang in the public karaoke. welcome to the black parade  and para sa masa were two of the songs i remember i sang. the others were just sitting in front of a piso-laglag machine which i’m not really a fan of, but whenever it gets the club going, it makes me giddy and excited too. well, whatever they dig naman, i dig too. though not at the same levels.

after that, i was so exhausted that i really wanted to sit down and breathe some air. we sat on the wooden benches, as i gave chloe and angge some copies of their desired movies. then, the three of them went down to the ground floor to grab some snacks and left josh and i on the benches. oh boy, did they take their time. i wasn’t waiting for them or anything; i’m just worried about them. i just don’t like them being out of my range and that stuff. i’m too protective of them.

when the transfer from my laptop to their flashdrives was finished (the exhaustion from singing and walking around, and the long process of transfer all made me drowsy), we were to head home, but my mind’s still cloudy due to sleepiness and i chose to stay and sit. when they poked me around to stand up, i stood and clung to josh and eventually sat on the ground with a weird, angled position. they told me later (i can’t really remember then because my eyes were closed) that they were all trying to make me stand up because there were people making their exit out of the cinema and i was an obstruction to their way, but i only budged when francine was the one who lifted me up in my arm. she then just held my bag as i walked, and i occasionally closed my eyes as we walked because i know she’d get me out of other people’s ways if ever i was about to hit them.

i thought, as my previous experience told me, that the jeepney terminal in the mall would be empty, and i immediately suggested that we walk down to the city proper to get a ride home, but apparently, there was a waiting jeepney just outside the mall. that was better, as i didn’t have enough energy to walk.

when we were already inside, i asked francine kung pwede ba ‘kong dumantay sa balikat niya, and that was the second time i asked her that question. she just nodded her head. i didn’t really indulge myself to sleep because i was nervous that i’m shifting too much weight into her shoulder and she might not be comfortable with it. i tried to feel the surroundings, and when i raised my head, we were already near caypombo. i asked her if mabigat ba, but she said that it wasn’t, and that make me very glad because i know i have a heavy head and she chose not to tell me that. hahaha.

yesterday, on the fifteenth of july, a sunday, we went out to visit sheliz once again. together with josh, kai, and chloe, we all agreed to meet in 7/11. josh made his way to drop by our shop so we can go to the destination together.

we bought a del monte pineapple juice vitamin a-c-d large pack for our dengue-pestered friend, only to find out that sheliz won’t be able to drink it because she needs to consume something that would heighten her blood pressure levels as she was losing some platelets. 

we loitered around 7/11 for a bit, talking for some minutes before heading out to the hospital. there we met norman, a friend of sheliz. i talked to him, and i amused him a bit, which made me delighted. some of the patients there were also looking at me as i put up a show of myself, making some jokes and just plainly goofing around. it made a warm, tingly feeling inside me to think that i influenced those people in some way, somehow. 

we didn’t stay for long -- we arrived at the hospital around quarter to five, so we made our goodbyes. sheliz was not feeling very comfortable, but i don’t really know why. maybe because she felt she was a hindrance from us making our way to walter? maybe. maybe it was best that she haven’t known that agreement before we made our way.

we rode a tricycle to waltermart, with josh paying 90% of the ride. i contributed the ten percent, of course. he didn’t stay with us though, as he said he needed to get home by eight o’clock, and it was already seven.

when josh parted ways with us, chloe, kai, and i went to the supermarket so that chloe could buy what she needed -- some shampoo and other girl stuff. after paying at the cashier, she treated us to some santino’s pizza. it was good; the crunchiness of the bottom part was well-made. 

we visited some shoe stores before heading to the world of fun to sing some songs. we took some videos of it, so i’ll just post it here or save it in my Facebook account so i don’t have to narrate the songs or something.

well that’s that. after we had some fun and chloe was already getting agitated how late it already was, we took the ride home and i goofed around with them, still pretending to be gay and trying to fool other passengers with my acting skills. yeah, i’m pretty confident and i think i’m convincing whenever i pull of such act.