hullothereme

[hullothereme]

having a mental breakdown on family vacation in maine. i am trapped trapped trapped with everyone. i am so disappointed in america and in my family and in myself. contemplated walking into the sea and opened the door and heard it roar it it was just such a frightening thought and impulse

my sisters have never felt this alone this deep aloneness this emptiness and listlessness they think i am over dramatic or they dont think of me at all they do not not no me. i am on a family vacation and no one really knows me more cares to. i feel like a burden to them. i am on a family vacation and i have no one to talk to i am just left alone me and my thoughts at 3am and sun rises in maine at 4.

when i close my eyes i panic. i hate my aunt and uncle for being so greedy and unempathetic and i have no idea if they raised my cousin right or if he will grow up to be a rapist like so many other entitled boys. does my sisters fiance care that roe v wade was overturned? how can stand working in such a misogynistic workplace? i dont know

my sister fears she sounded like our mom when she yelled that clarence thomas/samual alito should drop dead. but what is so cringey about that? what is so wrong with expressing emotion when talking about things that righfully make you feel deep strong emotions. i think maybe we just feel things to big and its too much to say all the nuance at once and it bubble up and you cant keep it in. that doesnt mean we dont understand nuance. just policing ourselves as women and we can express ourselves. i think its the realization that some things we ridiculed our mom for were rooted in the casual misogyny that dominates our lives and our culture and as we get older the more the misogyny applies to us and we see it in ourselves and fear the ridicule. or also i just hate when my mom raises her voice because it reminds me of being yelled at as a child and my parents fighting all the time and even when she isnt mad at me i feel like she is and i remember her being mad at me and i remember feeling like it was my fault when they fought when i was younger even though it wasnt my fault then. i dont know.

i feel so hopeless about the world and anxious ive been anxious for the past three weeks straight so thats not good but also have i been do i need attention should i be back in therapy probably but i keep convincing myself im fine im fine im fine

i feel like i am trapped here with no one to talk to and i didnt bring melatonin and i dont like my cousin very much, he hasnt really done anything wrong i just dont really like the way he moves through the world perhaps i am envious. he doesnt seem to care about me and my approval as a cousin anymore and it just feels like its because hes now been indoctrinated to only care about men and their opinions and accomplishments and activities and he used to look up to me. or just my aloof act has gotten old.

and my sister doesnt like me and i dont know anything about her fiance and i dont want to burden my other sister and brother in law with how i am feeling because i do that enough and its also what drove haley away from me in the first place

thinking scary thoughts but they just make me cry and i don't actually want to act on them but its scary that they are back at all