humanembodimentofthissite-blog

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significationary:

mylifeisaparodyofatragedy:

Idk why everyone thinks Slytherins are all evil bc they’re ambitious when in most cases ambition really just leads to shoving a whole pizza in your mouth because some hoe said you couldn’t.

#slytherin is the house of stubbornly completed dares that probably weren’t thought through the whole way

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I can see a boat. Lots of boats. I like boat. I want boat. I want big boat! I want a PIRATE SHIP. I WANNA BE A PIRATE!!

Me after seeing a boat (I is very logical)

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Vikings aren't real

Boy in my class to my teacher, after learning about vikings in that class for a whole term

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Don't Mess With Izzy

Teacher: *tries to keep us in to pick up microscopic pieces of paper*

Izzy (who the teacher had probably never heard talk in that whole semester): *slams books on table* THIS IS CHILD LABOR

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The Reason Izzy Got SUPER Mad The Other Day

*a couple of friends and me playing a guess the picture game on one of us' phone*

Izzy: Oh my god, the answer is Friends!

Gemma: Type it in! F-

Izzy: I KNOW HOW TO SPELL FRIENDS GEMMA! *bitch slaps Gemma*

Leah and I: *dying of laughter*

*Gemma, Leah and I for the rest of the day*: OI IZZY! HOW DO YA SPELL FRIENDS?! F-

Izzy: Screw ALL of you.

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Is France in Great Britain?

Me in my geography class, to my friend, after having my brain fried from all the studying I was doing for exams.

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Secret I

No one knows that I, the most book obsessed person I know, used to despise reading.

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This can't just be me

Honestly, I bitch about EVERYONE to my mum. My friends, enemies, teachers, EVERYONE. Also, for anyone I have bitched ABOUT, she agrees: YOU ARE A DICK

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My Sexy Cardigan

For those who think they have a horrible fashion sense; when I was like 5-8 I had a cardigan that I wore EVERYWHERE like some miniature librarian. It didn't get any better for the next three years except this time it was a poncho 😂😂.

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The First Time I Ever Got Asked Out

Okay. In primary school I was a decent person (I would like to think I still am but sometimes I am such a heartless bitch i step back and kinda raise my eyebrows at myself 😂) and I liked to help people. There was this boy who had this unrequited crush on this girl who refused time and time again for years to go out with him. I was in year six or something when i decided to break it to him that she doesn't like him and he should move on. Mind you this guy had been making fat jokes about me for weeks, yet I still blessed him with my advice. He immediately turned to me and asked me out. THAT WAS DEFINITELY NOT HOW I MEANT HIM TO INTERPRET IT. I politely declined and told him that was not what I was saying he should do. He then got angry and shouted "never mind, I wouldn't want to go out with someone as FAT as YOU anyway!". Okay, I am not lying when I say I was a little twig in primary school, all of my siblings were as well and we were indifferent to it. I am also not lying when I tell you that this boy was no twig. Now, most girls in my position may have cried or walked away quietly. Haha, not this little short-tempered sass master. I turned to this boy, seeing absolute red. I was enraged that he would turn on me like that (which I sadly have read happens to lots of girls, with boys even older than this one - he was in the fourth grade). I didn't even think before yelling my answer: AT LEAST I CAN SEE MY WHOLE BODY IN THE MIRROR. Now, in some ways it may not make much sense, but I sure as hell proved I wouldn't stand for this little prick's jibs.

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My dirty joke lead to my friend understanding the big bang

Not the act itself of course. Ages ago I made my own joke up (one that is probably already a joke somewhere else but SHHHH) while watching an ad for The Big Bang Theory. The other day I told my friend that joke (what did the universe name it's sex tape? The Big Bang - I know, awful). She laughed but afterwards expressed her confusion over why the big bang (not my joke but the actual big bang was named that). "I don't understand why it was called that!" She told me. As she said the next sentence she slowly bought her two hands together in a slow-mo clap. "Why is it called the big-?" She started to ask, when her hands met. Her eyes lit up with understanding and I started dying in my chair because SHE FINALLY GOT IT.

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I am secretly a huge dick - my autobiography

Okay, so I had this teacher who I... Disliked greatly. One of those teachers whose facial features I would have liked to acquaint with a brick. Well she was my history teacher. One say she was talking about prehistoric times and told my class (who hated her more than they hated school itself) to shut up and listen. At this point my brain seemed to find the thing that came out of my mouth ABSOLUTELY acceptable. What did I say you ask? "SHUT UP EVERYONE; SHE IS TALKING ABOUT HER CHILDHOOD!" Luckily for me only my classmates heard and my teacher missed it 😊😅

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Why can I remember this but not how to do Algebra?

So my mum and Nan where getting ready to head down to somewhere else (I know, mysterious) coz my nan was having this operation. I could tell my mum was nervous and of course my little bro was trying to break the tension. He was waving SOMETHING (no idea what) around and my mum snapped at him to put it away. This is where I had a stroke of genius and yelled 'PUT THAT THING BACK WHERE IS CAME FROM, OR SO HELP ME!' (Monsters INC quote). It broke the tension to say the least. Still, don't ask me how I can remember THAT word for word but not Algebra when exams roll around!