hunters-latenight

[hunters-latenight]

Positivity / Optimism

Everyone has their ups and downs in life. If anyone has taken math you mightve heard a phrase called “Regression to the Mean”. The way I interpret it is that there will be positive and negative extremes that affect you but as time goes on everything kind of balances out. Things might be going amazing or everything might seem lost but if you just wait things out, itll all work out. Shit Happens is one of my life Mottos that that math term comes into play as well. I have a deep understanding about how I cant control everything in life. Not everything will go as I plan. I can only control so much, basically what I do and how I interpret things. I cant control other people and random events. It helps me push through certain situations. 

[hunters-latenight]

Lack of Affection / Skin Hunger

Since my long run of bad luck with girls I have a really bad lack of affection. I miss cuddling, kissing, sex, hugs, or just a touch from another person. I dont like feeling desperate as well. I also dont want to lead anyone on just to fulfill these needs of mine either and seem like a douchebag. I dont feel like im fun anymore or interesting either. Bit insecure. I dont know how to interact with people anymore. I feel like ill mess something up and any point in time. I suck at small talk and meeting new people that ill probably see around a lot. I miss people that just stop by and ask how im doing meaningfully and not just faking it. I miss just having someone consistently in my life that doesnt mind just hanging out doing something fun or just nothing at all. I dont feel confident anymore either. Things are kind of shitty rn.

[hunters-latenight]

Depression and ADHD 3:03AM

While not clinically diagnosed since Ive never got around to it, Im pretty sure I have enough of the symptoms to self diagnose. ADHD symptoms I have: Inattention to preciseness in schoolwork etc, short attention span, easily distracted, and forgetful. Hyperactivity: I have to move, whether it be shaking my leg or picking at my skin on my fingers ( I have self diagnosed myself with Dermatillonania - which is compulsive picking of the skin/nails), hard time relaxing or focusing etc. ADHD makes it hard for me to do such a detailed and precise major as Industrial Design since everything has to be perfect, but I love it too much to change so Im changing how I function. 

I took a psychology class in high school where we had some chart/list of stressors or something that documented our level or stress. I lost a good friend back in middle school due to a heart related death that probably subconsciously affected me for a while. Money conflicts didnt help. Neither did sleep, back, adhd, etc helped either. Im not into drugs but I do drink decently, idk if thats to cope or just bc greek system. I was bullied in middle school because people thought I was gay because I had a gay friend. I became socially isolated for a long time. I basically got really into video games as a form of escape and I probably became addicted. Im still into games but not as much. Fuck its hard to think of all this stuff. I dont tell anyone this and I honestly repress it until I have one of these nights where I just think of everything Ive done over the course of my life but I did try to kill myself. I tried to hang myself with a jump rope attached to a slide. How ironic to kill myself in a childrens park am I right? Obviously bailed but Its the fact I tried you know? Its weird bc Im usually kind of antisocial but im like the most social antisocial person I know. Did sports for a while then stopped. Got kinda fat and thats also disheartening since I judge myself harsh and compare myself to everyone to probably justify something innate. I feel kind of empty a lot, like im not actually here but just going through the motions. Sometimes I get randomly cranky and I feel bad about it later. Ive had like a really weird sleep / eating / sex drive as of late too. Not only do I feel drained bc of depression, I got mono freshman year which stripped whatever energy I had left from my body to this day. Everything seems cyclical and bland. I said I got fat, i recently weighed at 200 pounds when I usually hover 185. I tell people I bulked so it seems like its on purpose like im into lifting but in reality its just a lie so people dont think im bad. Headaches / migraines run on my moms side as well as alzheimers which is scary as well. My memory is not good at all. My stomach always feels out of wack as well. If I want to add anything to these thoughts Ill add on in another post.

[hunters-latenight]

Women Pt. 2

It seems whenever I like a girl, shes either 1) not interested or 2) into someone else. Several times I’ve been interested in someone and they randomly just talk about how theyre trying to get at a phi tau or kap sig or pi kapp or whatever and not me. I recently went to a grab a date with a girl who I was interested in and literally 5-10 minutes before leaving she posts on her finsta about how she wish she could of taken her bae to the grab a date. How rude is that? You know I follow you and you basically say im second choice like it doesnt matter. I might be overplaying it but i lost all interest in the night. Halfway through people were telling me to buy her drinks and I was like why? She doesnt have any interest in me and it would just be a waste of money. Naturally she left to talk to her trash bae so I also left. I feel like situations like these happen to me more than I wish.

[hunters-latenight]

Women

This isnt about pity or attention, its just about my viewpoint about women in my life since college started. I come into college off a breakup that was meant to give better opportunities to my ex at her college. I meet people and learn about the Greek system. I join Sigma Alpha Epsilon and meet all these amazing girls. From that point until now, Id say about 90% of the girls I know were or still are in sororities. We then got kicked off campus and werent really allowed to re-rush another fraternity. This means as I am metaphorically kicked to the side, everyone is still doing what they did. Girls are still always going to prefs, formals, wine wednesdays, exchanges, etc. I am not necessarily. I am competing with other guys who are still in active frats. I want to hang with a girl on a night off? Nope shes bailing on me to head over to a frat house or some slight variance. I get to go to a formal or grab-a-date with one? Nah we just friends, they have a bf, or they post some dumb shit on their finsta beforehand saying how they wish they could take their “bae” instead of me. You get the picture. I am DG Anchorman and I love it. Their new pledge class of fall 17′s have a couple really cute girls I want to get to know and maybe date, who knows. Im always at school so I cant go to meetings to say hi and show them im real and cool and able to take to things etc, so thats a no to interacting. Also cant interact at socials since again im not in anything. Like I mentioned before, they are actively hanging with other guys at their houses. Basically everything is a tease. I might be acting like a bitch or whatever but this is just how I feel, all opinionated. I hang at DG a lot to stay relevant with everyone but what else is there for me honestly. I have tinder and bumble to pass the time and maybe find someone cool since I really cant at school. Tonight was really shitty. Match with a cute girl, i dont read bios ahead of time I just swipe right if theyre cute. After we match I read her bio saying shes looking for a hookup to bounce back from a recent breakup. Not necessarily what I was looking for, but I guess it was just the icing on the cake so to speak. We talk for a bit and she seems cool, and then she drops this bomb on me. She says shes not the girl in the pictures but actually a girl catfishing guys for a “social experiment” to see why/how guys fall for girls so fast on here. How shitty is that? Who does that? What do you even gain from that? Self satisfaction? Some kind of weird empowering complex? This shit seems to happen to me a lot. Hopeless romantic in a disheartening situation. 

[hunters-latenight]

Day 1

Its been about 2 weeks of a really poor and imbalanced sleeping schedule for me due to lots of homework from Industrial Design. Im emotionally and physically exhausted in every way possible. Nothing really feels real anymore. I dont feel like im me, im just along for the muted ride. I dont have the same energy and enthusiasm as I did maybe 2 years ago and thats disappointing. I dont know if things will balance out anytime soon either. I made this blog to jot down how im feeling day to day.