hyakkismet

[hyakkismet]

creative writing activity

as i stare into my notebook, holding my pen, and my phone produces noise from the call in instagram, i am overwhelmed with creating the activity i once found excitement in. i was bouncing for joy, cackling in enthusiasm, and chattering to my seatmates. now, i am haunted with who i am in the present. natatakot ako na mapag-isa. i stare into my notebook -- a sacrificed log of wood made into paper to log my thoughts when i'm tired of running from them -- which has been my second mind. my journal, which has been with me since seventh grade, has recorded my life in ways i haven't even fully recognized.

oh my god. i just realized who i am. im my notebook!! i love me. :) !!!!

[hyakkismet]

record of life - today, 20250530

i bid goodbye to summer so early. parang ayoko pa, parang kulang pa. gusto ko pa nang ganitong mga araw.

met with chicha today -- walked sa juan cafe with only 150 in my wallet, a cigarette stick on my hand, and a pair of wired earphones blasting our dawn is hotter than day. the weather was nice, it wasnt too hot nor too cold, but it was windy. there were alot of traffic outside, what could have happened kaya? 🤔

when chi and i met, it was quite awkward at first! we talked about our experiences so far in summer and catched up over chocolate milktea, and headed next to nuciti. girl, wala kaming id for the karaoke booth so we had no choice but the public karaoke 😭 a great core memory though! i would choose jumping to aint it fun with chiara over a private booth any day. our queue were isa pang araw, aint it fun, that's what you get (certified paramore fan since 2021 and earlier), super bass, and akin ka nalang -- what a crazy shift; from laughing and jumping to sitting down and belting! i thought karaoke would be the best ice breaker for getting to know someone, but i was wrong. the plaza was.

we went to ukay and chi found her AMAZING cheetah print mini skirt!! i found my worn-out breezy jeans in another shop. we were so lucky to find amazing pieces for only 20 pesos (girl malboro blue at loaded = jeans) LMAOOO. nilibre ako ni chi ng nestea and we went to the plaza and talked for a long hour.

great conversations over everything any day. it was full of love. it definitely made us closer and more comfortable with one another. hindi ko alam kung pano iphrase in tagalog, pero ang sarap kumuusap sa taong you really wanna know better! i love this.

went home with a big smile on my face and another ukay piece LOL! this day made me realize my summer was full of love. although in the most unexpected form, the love still retains. it felt like a sunny day -- easy, breathable, fun, warm, and comforting. i love summer. i say i prefer stormy weather when i know i'd be out doing the silliest side quests on a sunny day. i love this. i love this day, i want more good days. i need more. :)

[hyakkismet]

Cygnus Constellation

A cascade of handsaw stars each one different dangling from a brass or sterling solver swan.

[hyakkismet]

i was never a believer silent loving; hindi ko gustong unawain na kaya kong magmahal nang malayo. ayoko. hindi pwede. gusto ko maingay, yung tipong pagpasok palang, may tunog na. gusto ko malapit. gusto kong magmahal nang maingay. ipapagsigawan sa lahat, ipagbibili sa sari-sari, tuturuan ng pagkakamay, kakantahan sa karaoke, itatakbo sa ulan, dadayuhin kahit saan, ihahatid-sundo, uuwian ng pasalubong. gusto ko malapit.

being hidden will never be my thing. to love is a message from me to the universe, a prayer to the higher power, a whisper to the wind to keep you with me. although half-awake and almost dead, the only thought in my mind is maybe loving differently isn't wrong.

wala naman sigurong mali sa pagmamahal nang tahimik.

love lies in between silence and smiles. yun yung yakap after failing several times, the warm instant ramen after a cry, the bed made. it's so little, but those details really do determine how much you love someone. you care, even for the smallest of things, because you think they deserve the best.

ngayon, at sigurado na, kailangan nang malayo. hindi naman ako mawawala, wala lang ako sa posisyong masyadong malapit o masyadong malayo. andito ako, tanaw ka. but at the same time, i can't help but think, i hope everything goes well for you, and i hear nothing of it. kailangan talaga na malayo.

[hyakkismet]

all of us snoopy, all of us

[hyakkismet]

the smiths is so fucking funny. i was looking for a job and then i found a job and heaven knows im miserable now. yeah alright. top ten relatable lyrics. steven patrick morrisey wails in his stupid wobbly english and im like yeah. if a double decker bus crashes into us to die by your side is such a heavenly way to die. you're so right. god. just shoot me now

[hyakkismet]

8.46am__

[hyakkismet]

Trying to remember the last time I played hide and seek. The last time I said hi to everyone on the street or saw the girls I spent every day of six years with. The last time my dad picked me up, or my mum brushed my hair. When was the last time I dressed without consideration? There is so much to think about now. I remember falling on the grass at school and making stories with the clouds. Hanging upside down from the swing and realising how big the world was. I wonder on the path of growing when we stop feeling big. I am taller now, smaller still.

[hyakkismet]

i can't fathom i have a boyfriend now.

family is something i cherish, pero at the same time i don't really want to be that desperate for it. i come from a family that bond over food, especially lunches or dinner, or even meryenda. i guess that's how you call busog talaga.

i've always dreamt of having my first boyfriend completely known by my family. i don't like the idea of hiding someone i completely love from the first ones who lent me love. gusto kong maharana or sing together, go on food trips, be actual friends with them before hopping into the relationship, and bond with family. i'm not gonna lie anymore, family is so important to me. they've granted me so much love and care. i've always had this dream since i was a tween. napakasarap magmahal kung mahal rin sila ng mga taong minamamahal mo.

i adore my boyfriend's bond with my family so much. natutuwa akong sobra kasi i'm seeing my life and i'm conscious. how i love them so much. yung mga jokes ni nanay, yung bond nila tatay, yung asaran nila ni hannah.. jesus. he's a part of our family. i'm so happy. kukupkupin talaga namin sya : (

napakapogi nya, ang ganda nya ngumiti. yung totoo, those genuine smiles. i've never seen him have so much fun and smile so much before. on top of that, kasama pa yung pamilya ko. i love dieter n my fam so much : ) ♡

[hyakkismet]

my dream pencil case yay

OKAY im gonna be honest, huge pencil cases don't work for me because 1, they're so bulky, and 2, they just help me overconsume pens as if i'm a fucking monster. jesus.

anyway, here's the case pero i think it's so so small since i like fat clicky pens TT i'll actually think about it instead of mindlessly buying it. here's my dream pen rotation!

pentel energen .3 or .5

three barrel coleto .3 - blue, black, red

pilot bps

muji clicky pen .38

deli pen hehe

gtech .4

[hyakkismet]

Gloomy but beautiful morning thoughts

[hyakkismet]

this reminds me of march 27. i can't believe it's almost been a month already since it's happened.

i don't think i'll ever get over dieter — my boyfriend — having lunch with my whole family. i remember him asking where the kubyertos are, when our ulam is ginataang hipon at alimango, and usual filipino viands. kutsara and tinidor was nowhere to be found. he finally opened up to pagkakamay.

i didn't peel his shrimps, or pinagbiak ko ng mga alimango, pero tinuruan ko sya magkamay. i taught him how to take confidence in his hands to taste savory in food. i taught him how to do a simple task he'll completely carry onto his adulthood. i taught him something significant, and i lent him a lesson my family lent me. i gave him love from decades ago, and yet, it's still brand new.

i think i'll be in love with this guy until everything rots 🫶 until eternity turns to measured time, with no hesitation, only certainty. i love you, dieter. you have my whole heart.

[hyakkismet]

i just honestly don't know what to do with my mom anymore. whenever this happens, it's always a fucking cycle. she does something wrong and doesn't apologize for it (she never will), she'll be kind to me, i'll give in, and it's as if nothing has ever happened between us. we're getting weaker and weaker by not being vulnerable. i hate this. i hate her. but i can't.

i can't blame her, you know. she was young when she had me, and it was a surprise. an accident. she wasn't ready yet but she had to. i have so much pity on my hands and it's turning into agony, that will form onto anger, therefore lead to hatred. i can never throw this directly on her and it's making me insane. but she's my mom, i can't do anything than be her daughter. and before that, she also was a daughter, and still is human. i hope not to pass this on my daughters.

when i remember the time i wrote down a letter instead of talking to her, i feel frustration coming over my body. i just wish that sometimes, instead of shouting rapidly after coming home, she'd learn how to be vulnerable. even cry if she can. she's taught me that independency comes with anger; it's a curse, not a blessing.