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Anita Sarkeesian is a Guest of Honor at GenCon, because she knows tabletop gaming is full of suckers and desperate losers.

I mean, I think the title says all it needs to say.  But I’ll continue. The only reason people like Anita Sarkeesian thrive is because a bunch of sweating neckbeards and low-testosterone he-bitches can’t imagine that there’s something about them that women find repulsive.  Nope, we have to pretend there’s these phantom bigots keeping away the phantom female gamer audience with this phantom misogyny. 

She’s got no ties to the tabletop industry at all.  The only thing I’ve ever seen her mention is that her nails match her dice.  Nails that a bunch of shrivel-dicked incels paid for, mind you.  It’s not like this huckster has a real job. Believe it or not, I’m not going to ‘slam’ Anita beyond labeling her a huckster, swindler, etc.  And even then, she found a bunch of stupid losers to come loose with those donations, and if I’m being honest- you deserve to be taken for a ride if you fell for it.  Let it be a lesson, loser.

Anyway, enjoy Gen-Con! It’s shaping up to be a real dumpster fire.

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Warhammer Adventures: Books for shitty dads that have no idea how to connect with their children.

Step 1: Give these books to some kid for his birthday. Step 2: Wait for the kid to want to get into the game. Step 3: Tell parents where they can buy the models. Step 4: Wait in parking lot. Step 5: Laugh when crying child gets taken out of the store with no models because mommy isn't paying that much for plastic bullshit that will turn her son into a stinking neckbeard with no life.

It’s not an April Fool’s joke, Games Workshop has officially gone completely absurd.  And it is absurd.  Remember all those women that started playing Age of Sigmar because we put tiddes on the Stormcast Eternals?  No?  Well, this is the same thing.  The majority of the people buying these books are going to be the fucking vapid nerd ‘dads’- they’ll buy them for their kids that have a halfhearted interest in 40k, and then that kid will throw the book aside in a New York minute for some handheld video game.  “But we need new players!”  Jesus Christ, man- it’s not a cult.  We get ‘new players’ all the time, we don’t have to start shoving the Imperial Creed on them before they get to kiss a girl for the first time.  And seriously, the last thing I want in the FLGS is more bratty children.  It’s bad enough half of the children are shaped like adults and in their 30′s.  I don’t need the short ones with squeaky voices.

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Fact.  Also, keep in mind that the person who manages that page is a creepy dude that actually got triggered over people using the word ‘triggered’ in a humorous context. Claimed to have PTSD.  As a veteran with PTSD myself, I asked what his counselor or therapist had recommended about PTSD (news flash: they tell you not to expect the world to adapt to you).   He immediately blocked me. Fuck Feminist 40k and everyone who supports it.

What's so bad about Feminist 40k?

Look at their page. 

1.  If you look at their general tenor of how they talk about women, they’re extremely sex negative.  Sisters can’t have boob plates, they can’t be sexy, they have to be covered up.  It is the exact same complaint a fundie Christian would make.

2.  They want to make female space marines a thing.  So they don’t give a shit about the lore.

3.  “40k community has a misogyny problem”.  Based on anecdotal evidence and the assumption that more women will play 40k if they’re pandered to.  Pro-tip, they won’t and the women playing 40k now don’t need to be patronized.

4. They intentionally misrepresent one of their critics (ArchWarhammer) to paint him as a misogynist who doesn’t want more models.  When in reality he WANTS more models, including female IG and plastic SoB, but is a lore purist and is against Feminist 40k calling the hobby and community misogynistic.

5.  They constantly fetishize race and women to the point where it is a little creepy.

TLDR:  They’re hateful, divisive, sex negative and they don’t give two shits about the lore.  They’re about agenda/ideology pushing and gaining control first and foremost.

So fuck that group.

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“Toxic Masculinity” is a bullshit concept made up by wimps and harpies that no one wants to fuck.

Well, I suppose the title is enough.  You need more?  Of course you do. When I was in high school we had these weird church kids that were absolute sideshow freaks.  It couldn’t have done Christ any favors having these guys as their poster children, bringing his word to the masses.  If they weren’t noodle-armed and scrawny, they were obese.  They all stunk like armpit and ass.

These were guys and gals who weren’t going to get laid if the other party was conscious.  No amount of blackmail, no monetary exchange, not even the barrel of a gun could get another human being to drop their trousers for these guys. These loser kids never got invited to anything and everyone kind of avoided them.  Then came some abstinence campaign the local churches got on board with, and we had these guys coming out to tell us that having sex before marriage and drinking booze was stupid, and saving yourself and being a virgin is what was really cool. As you can see, it’s not like any of these folks had the option to get laid, abstinence to them was as natural as breathing and even less voluntary.  It’s about like one of those starving North Koreans telling us about his weight loss program, and how food is dumb anyway. That’s how I see anyone going on about ‘Toxic Masculinity’.  Well, of fucking course they would say this- look at these guys.  Gooniebeards, noodle-arms, fat, and not a single masculine trait.  There are speed limits in the suburbs higher than these guys’ testosterone levels.

“You know, that whole being tough and strong and taking care of yourself is for losers! Being a little pussy is what is actually cool!”- A Little Pussy, 2018. Oh, wait- I know what you’re thinking... what about those women that talk about it?  Well, fucking look at ‘em.  If they aren’t a fucking neon-haired 300-pound dumpster fire , then listen to them.  What actual real man on earth would want a woman like that?  None, I don’t care if she’s actually attractive- at best she’s a recreational piece that you give a bogus number to and ignore if you see her again. “Oh, well- I didn’t like that guy anyway, he’s dumb and probably an abusive meathead like all the others I’ve never been with!” - Unlikable Bitch, 2018.  Face it, kiddos- the more you squeal about ‘Muh toxic masculinity’ the more it becomes painfully obvious that you aren’t fucking masculine and/or no respectable person wants to fuck you.

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An Asshole’s Guide to Necromunda: House Goliath

House Goliath is situated unfavorably in the worst part of the Underhive, which is like being in the shittiest room of the shittiest house in the shittiest part of Somalia- during the summer, with flies rubbing their asses in your nose while you try to sleep.  They use stimulants, steroids, chemical cocktails, HGH, Muscle Milk, Brotien, military-grade toxic masculinity in aerosol form, and expired cans of Monster Energy drinks to achieve strength and toughness that is near Astartes level.  Except not overrated on the tabletop.

Goliath gangers are created through selective breeding, and work the foundries and other manual labor of the Underhive.  They respect strength and toughness, and see the other houses as weak.  They dress as professional wrestlers that raided Rob Halford’s bondage closet; favoring heavy chains, straps, mohawks, and assless chaps.  Hey, I’m not judging, fellas- you do your thing. Either way, this is what people thought ‘gangs’ would be like back in the 80′s and I can honestly say we’ve been cheated.

They are enemies with house Escher, because much like the steroid-enhanced NFL players of Old Terra, they enjoy beating up women.  Considering the fact that Eschers see men as weak and the average Goliath is that obnoxious, loud, illiterate meat-head from the gym- most other gangs are content to let these two ends of the gender-identity horse-shoe turn one another into paste.

Most Goliath players are either people who enjoy the mayhem of Necromunda’s melee combat system, or are friends with the guy who was way too fucking obsessed with getting the female models from the other half of the box. 

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An Asshole’s Guide to Necromunda: House Escher

House Escher is known for its corner on the chemical and pharmaceutical trade on Necromunda.  Their gangs are entirely female, known for their arrogance because they are apparently some of the few women in Underhive with all their teeth and two tits roughly the same shape and size.  They loathe men, and like any other group of women that loathes men they tend to dress and style their hair like they belong in a circus or mental institution.

Centuries of exposure to the various chemicals they produce has resulted in House Escher’s men being weak and imbecilic, incapable of even breeding without special artificial processes- in other words, they’re like every male feminist in the 40k community.  Just like in the real world, when all a woman is surrounded by are pathetic noodle-armed loser sycophants, you can’t really expect them to be fond of males, nor can you expect her to step out of that comfort zone and get to know any better specimens.

Eschers and Goliaths have a long rivalry, because just like the average man-hating feminist, Eschers are gluttons for some kind of physical abuse at the hands of a musclebound idiot. 

Escher gangs were released with the initial boxed set of Necromunda: Underhive Wars in an ingenious move by Games Workshop to prove that even if you put female characters as the flagship faction, the gooniebeards and neon-haired harpies would invent a reason to bitch about it. 

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'Feminist 40k' is so absurd, I thought it was actually satire.

I'm not kidding.  I took a glance at this group and said, "Here's some gold-standard comedy, these guys are taking the whole Social Justice Warrior stereotype and applying it on a whole new level of absurdity".  Then, I took a closer look and recognized some of the ringleaders, and it became even more hilarious- I realized this wasn't a joke, and these people are actually serious.  Words cannot express how hilarious I find it that people like this exist in my world, because I can be endlessly amused at their antics.

I'll be among the first to say that it'd be great to get some female Imperial Guard and Inquisitors, new female characters, and even various 'breastplate' options for Sisters of Battle (and a full re-release of the Sisters so people will shut the fuck up about it).  Until that time, if people want these things, they'll have to get resourceful and spend a little time getting some of the outstanding third-party models to do this exact thing.  And to be completely fair, I don't give two shits if you make your own 'female space marine' chapter, because at the end of the day- it doesn't matter if I don't like what you've made, it's your property and you can do what you want with it.

And that's not enough for the boys playing 'feminist'.  Because, it's all about those female Space Marines.  I guess if you haven't spent much time around women and listening to them, you'd get the insane idea that you need to give them little plastic figures with tiddies and ponytails to make them want to play with you. 

Wow, I guess that's why women are just all over those Eldar models and the Infinity gaming tables are just packed with women, right?  They must be going apeshit over those female models in Age of Sigmar, too?  No?  Oh, well -surely- if we put a ponytailed head on a Space Marine the ladies will just come flocking to the hobby, right?  That's the thing, right there- we make 'female space marines' and we'll all be surrounded by beautiful awesome women that enjoy the things we like!

Sorry, 'feminists' of 40k- I have to be honest with you.  If women aren't playing at your wargaming table, it's got nothing to do with a 'lack of representation'.  It's probably the radical notion that wargames don't appeal to women the same way they do men.  And there's female players at my wargaming table quite often, but by no means a 50/50 split.  If they're not at yours, I'd chance it to say it's probably you that's running them off.  After all, you guys do come off like a bunch of sexual predators.

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No, Warhammer 40k does not need a 'ban' list because you can't control your emotions like an adult.

Recently, there has been much discussion in the Magic: the Gathering community regarding some Jeremy guy getting banned.  For the most part, I don't particularly give a shit about this guy.  Apparently he had some pretty volatile opinions, and said something rude about a cosplayer- which led to a bunch of people demanding he be banned from playing, his cards burned, his manhood removed, his mother beaten, and his online game account being banned.  They got two out of five, which is pretty impressive for a bunch of whining card-players that haven't been inside a woman since a doctor yanked them out and sliced the umbilical cord.

I have rather 'unpopular' opinions regarding some cosplayers, primarily those that buy costumes from someone and then want your money to show half a tiddy- and even more, I loathe the pathetic losers who pay for this half a tiddy.  So, you'll have to forgive me if I don't see this as a big deal.  But, it would seem that this lady in question had just enough pathetic incel orbiters to raise a stink on her behalf, so this Jeremy guy got banned by a company that couldn't be bothered to make sure its tournament judges weren't rapists and kiddie-diddlers.  Again, pardon me if I don't see one guy with a Youtube channel saying something rude about a chick in a costume to be such a massive problem, when you look at the bigger picture here.

Afterward, this prompted some members of the 40k Community to ask the question:  Should Warhammer 40k have a 'ban list'?  Granted, most of the people who'd ask this very question are the exact sort that probably should be ushered out themselves- you know, the perpetual outrage fetishists and a website that's basically the Buzzfeed of tabletop gaming.  Well, they fucking would, wouldn't they?

Here's this novel fucking idea:  How about we all get some intestinal fortitude and leave it to the local shop, club, or gaming group to decide who gets 'banned'?  Look, I don't care about someone's 'outside drama'.  Leave it at the door if you're gonna game, and if you can't do that then you need to fuck off.  I don't care if someone upset your favorite cosplayer, or said something nasty to you on the internet- just don't bring it in to game.  Unless someone is actually harassing you, then grow the fuck up and quit crying for a grown-up to come and protect your fragile feelings.  Oh, and 'harassment' has a real meaning, and it's a bit more complex than 'this person upset me'. 

Let me put it this way, in all honesty- do you think the average shop owner is going to give a shit about peoples' squabbles when he's hosting a tournament in his store?  No, because he's a fucking shop owner and not the local arbiter of morality.  He's going to ask you to leave your drama at the door, and boot you if you can't.  It's pretty simple, almost as if we've been doing it this way for fucking years.  Welcome to tabletop gaming, we've been handling our own shit long before you Perpetual Outrage Fetishists came in to 'save' us.

I'm no fan of actual harassment, and if it's ever revealed that this Jeremy guy actually harassed this girl?  Then fuck him, he deserves to be booted out of the tournament circuit... but let's prioritize the actual rapists, pigs, and kid-fuckers that are holding positions of power in that tournament circuit and get them out first.  And hell, as I understand there's actual evidence for the sexual predators, and not much for this Jeremy guy's 'harassment'. Imagine kicking a guy out of a nightclub because someone claims he had a pocket knife, but there's five drunk guys in the corner waving Glocks around and threatening patrons.

That's how I see this 'Jeremy Ban'.

The only 'sound' argument I've seen so far is that the Tournament Circuit and Wizards of the Coast have the right to reject him and refuse to do business with him for any reason they choose.  Which, of course, the last time I mentioned 'refusing to do business with someone for anything you like', these same fucking POF's were screaming about gay wedding cakes.  So it's nice to see we're still doing that 'it's okay when we do it' thing.

  To get on point, what kind of 'ban' is GW going to have?  I can tell you this right now, that company holds far less sway over the average FLGS than you think- and it's going to be really, really difficult for a 'list of meanies' to do anything when some guy spends hundreds of dollars in one trip and drops another $20.00 down to play in a tournament.  So, what- now these 'meanies' won't be allowed in Warhammer World or GW stores?  Oh, the fucking horror!  Now where will they go to get overpriced mediocre hamburgers or get dry-humped by sales staff?

  I don't know if you've been to a GW store lately, but if you spend enough money- they could care less if you're Interpol's most wanted international terrorist.  I doubt some 'list' of 'extreme thinkers' is going to deter them from sacking up hundreds of dollars worth of plastic models.

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Tabletop Gaming has a Spineless Incel Problem.

Gamergate was a bunch of outrage over what amounted to nothing.  As I understand it, some game 'journalists' (read: 'shills') offered some girl a review in exchange for pussy, and then when someone called the shills out on being scumbags, they redirected the narrative and scapegoated a mentally ill girl to make the event about 'hating women'.  This should shock no one, as anyone who's been gaming for a while should be fully aware that games 'journalists' are a bunch of hacks, shills, and scumbags.  At the end of the day, it was just a bunch of people screeching at each other and not even having the same argument. 

I'm only saying that because it's slightly relevant.

Right now, it seems that the Perpetual Outrage Fetishists (POF's) are all over tabletop gaming, and they wouldn't be here if not for one simple (and uncomfortable) fact:  Tabletop Gaming is full of pussies. Don't believe me? 

We have communities that don't have the fucking balls to tell someone to go take a shower and wash their clothes, that's why 50% of all gaming clubs and shops have a guy that smells like someone washed a sweaty asshole with a shitty asshole and rubbed it down with a mildewed gym sock. 

At least once a month, after every release, someone cries and ragequits publicly because he didn't get the shiny toy or book he wanted.  And people try to console these entitled manchildren and get them to stick around, because we all know mewling pussies that didn't get their Codex first are just fucking pillars of the gaming community.

Speaking of quitters, we have people who openly admit to having quit the game in 3rd edition, and all they do is regularly hang around bitching about how the game sucks and how happy they are that they quit. Am I the only one that's telling these useless tumors to fuck off?

I have seen grown adult males (not using the word 'men' here) actually cry because they lost a game where you push around little plastic toy men.  And I mean, 'cry', like with actual tears streaming down their face and snot and boogers dribbling out of their noses.  I remember being broken of this behavior before I was five years old.

People complain and comment non-stop about the pricing of these gaming products, and yet they lack the self-control to be an adult and stop buying them.  And I've seen these very same people get their electricity cut off because they didn't have the money, but they damned sure had a new Imperial Knight or two when 8th edition hit. 

At this point, you could probably name about three to five 'pussy' examples you've seen in the last year or so, because those five I cited were from the last year alone.  Go ahead, try to justify it.  Nothing short of 'that person was severely mentally ill' is going to justify that kind of behavior.  This is not the behavior of well-adjusted adults.

Just like Gamergate, the Perpetual Outrage Fetishists saw an opening.  These are people who want nothing more than to whine and mewl and bitch, because as children it got them what they wanted and they didn't have a decent parent to tell them to knock it the fuck off.  It's an emerging trend, and we apparently have an entire generation full of entitled little whiny brats that've never had to adjust to reality and be adults.  It doesn't help that in an era of Social Media, we've convinced these diseased ticks that their opinion matters.

Make no mistakes, POF's are predatory little parasites.  They will go anywhere they think they can exploit someone and get their way.  They always go after the easy targets, and let's face it- being a bunch of pussies is why they're targeting our hobby. 

And while it's another rant for another blog post, it doesn't help that some of these fucking incels seem to think that kowtowing to some pink-haired harpy is going to get their little dicks tugged (spoiler: It's not).

The only way for tabletop gamers to get rid of these parasites is to toughen the fuck up and start getting defensive and actually giving a shit about their community.  I've been gaming in various ways since the 1990's, and we had none of these 'social issues' that the POF's are screaming about, because we fucking handled the real problems.  We never gave a damn about your gender, race, or orientation as long as you were there to play the fucking game- and the Perpetual Outrage Fetishists aren't here to play the fucking game, they're here to bully you into submission because no one else tolerated their shit.

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Brutally honest advice for new 40k players:

Don't go out and buy a lot of shit right off the bat.  Honestly all you need at first is a a couple of units of troops and an HQ, and maybe some elites or heavy support.  Battleforces, Start Collecting, and boxed armies are a pretty decent bargain.  Hell, if you can- borrow some models from someone- lots of people have more than one army, and this might be a way for you to buy used models to start your army.  If you go out and try to get a ton of shit from the jump, you could find yourself overwhelmed with no idea what to build or how to build it.  Even worse, you may come to realize that you don't like the army as much as you thought you would and you'll look stupid after dumping several hundred dollars into something that you regret.

If you play Space Marines, make your own Chapter at some point.  I finally did this after years of rolling my eyes at the idea, because a lot of 'Homebrew Chapter Background' comes off as Mary Sue Special Snowflake bullshit to me.  But this is a pretty decent way to play around with Chapter Tactics, Wargear, and Strategems and find the ones you like, or be a genuine asshole and decide to change them up frequently just to frustrate some list-tailoring pissbaby.  Also this lets you get creative with paint schemes, which is awesome and leads directly to my next point...

Customize your stuff the way you want it to look.  Between Forge World, a variety of GW models, and the dozens of third party companies that are cranking out heads for 'Space Elves' and 'Power Armor Vikings'- you can have something that's all your own.  Make a fucking Alpha Legion army that still looks like the Pre-Heresy Alpha Legion.  Build an Inquisitor that looks like a Wild West bounty hunter.  Give your Imperial Guard kilts so they can be just like every other attention-whoring hipster loser from Portland.  Armies with a personal touch that makes them look different are the absolute best.

If you think it's cool, then use it.  Plain and simple, don't get too caught up in what units are 'bad' or 'good'.  Since 8th edition, most units have some use on the table.  If you really like a model, then find a way to make it work.  Don't let people tell you that you shouldn't get something if it really appeals to you.   Hell, the way GW works with their FAQ's these days, the 'worst model in the game' could end up in tournament lists in a month's time.

Don't expect to win a lot for a while.  I've always said that the first step to being good at something, is to suck at it.  You're going to suck at first, and you're going to get tabled a few times.  Not to mention, there's at least one guy at every FLGS that likes to go and put a tournament list against people who're still learning the ropes.  Take your licks, find someone who's willing to show you a few tricks here and there, and keep playing.  I don't even think winning is as important as having a fun game, and I can count on one hand how many games I won over the last 6 months.  I can count on one hand how many 'bad games' I've had since I've started playing the game, too.

Don't put winning first.  WAAC players are the absolute worst players, next to cheaters and stinkies.  Most power-gamers come to the hobby with a video gamers' mindset, and end up selling off dozens of unpainted models after a FAQ or edition change.  These guys are usually the first to find their army getting a nerf and will spend months or years whining about it, until they can get enough money to buy a 'better' army.  Oh, they also tend to confuse 'skill' with 'copying a list found on the internet'.

Don't get upset because your painting sucks.  Again, the first step to being good at something is to suck at it.  Everyone's first models suck, and if they say otherwise they're probably full of shit.  Also some people don't have anything better to do than sit around all day and paint, so of course they're gonna be better than you.  Oh, and also don't think there aren't tons of guys out there paying to have their shit painted and passing it off as their own work.  Just keep working on it and don't worry that it's not as good as some studio job.  Having even an amatuer paint job is better than grey models or paying twice the value of your army to have it painted.

Don't play in a GW store.  Unless you want to spend the entire game being hounded by some staff member shoving product at you, just don't.  This is also where you'll find dickish rules about third party bits/models. If you must go to a GW store, make your purchases and leave. I get that some places are not like this, but since 2002 I've only been to ONE that isn't.  Usually the GW stores I go to have one table (if that) and are trying to pitch stuff at me that I don't want while I'm looking for what I DO want.  There's usually a reason why the GW's tables are gathering dust and the FLGS has people waiting to catch a game.

Invest in a table of your own.  It can be a 4x4 of some kind, or a full size table- but either way, at a certain point you'll want to do some gaming in the privacy of your own home.  You get to miss out on all the wonderful parts of gaming in an FLGS- screaming unsupervised children, random people grabbing your models, stinky dudes that haven't showered or laundered their clothes in weeks, staff pestering you to buy something or enforcing arbitrary rules about Forge World models, waiting for filthy hipsters to finish their game of Guild Ball, slapping butts with the obese neckbeard playing on the table behind you... all the things we endure as a testament to our love of the game.  This day and age, game stores tend to come and go pretty fast and in some places I've lived- waiting for a game table can be a 3-hour affair on the weekends.  Some places even charge to use their tables.  Take my word for it- go get some plywood or a ping-pong table and start working.

Wash your fucking ass and wash your fucking clothes.  I have to keep saying this because everywhere I go, there's always someone that hasn't had much time with a bar of soap and a washing machine.  Literally every fucking FLGS.  If you say "no one stinks in my FLGS", that's a lie- it's probably YOU.