hyprexa

[hyprexa]

Maybe it's reminiscing on when times were better.

Maybe it's all the recent death I've seen

Maybe it's the loss

But I've been thinking about you

Regretting everything I ever did

Dying in the silence of isolation

Separation...

It's...

Not been easy

Been dry for about a year now

Been wanting a shot and a tall one for about 364 days

And I think I'll be regretting this and haunted by it just shy of forever

I can't imagine what you've felt about everything that happened

I know you're with him now and I'll never get that chance

That's fine

I don't think I deserve it

I won't say I'm a fully changed man.

Not enough time

Almost enough but not nearly enough

But I am changing.

Lots of sessions, ink, and effort later

I can at least say that.

I feel like there's a lot to say and an infinite amount not to.

You deserved better.

I wasn't better

I'm getting better though

I can only hope the same for you.

There's a lot I wish you were here for

But I know I ruined the chances of you being there

There feels like there's so much bad blood

That's the part the kills

I know I deserve all of it

But it doesn't make it sting any less.

The odds you'll see this are slim.

The odds you'll care are even lower.

I don't know of I mind that or not

I don't know if my life gets better without you in it

I dont know when things stop hurting

For either of us

Or if it has for you

But I do know,

For me,

It can't get much worse than this

It can't hurt much more than now

And that just is what it is

That's life

Love lost,

Tears shed,

Sadly that's how it goes.

But there isn't a next time,

There's never going to be an "ever again"

I want to go my way while you go yours

I don't think they ever cross paths again

Not sure either of us ever want that

So keep yourself warm,

It's a cold world out there.

And for what it's worth,

I'm sorry

For everything

[hyprexa]

Been an eye on a year already.

And I don't know if you're ever going to see this

I don't know if I care

But for what it's worth,

I'm speechless.

You'd think after some time

You'd think after a lot of therapy

You'd think after a lot of change

You'd have something

Anything

Worth saying

But the truth is I don't.

I can't sit here and tell you I'm a wholly changed man.

I'm not.

Hasn't been enough time.

But I am changing.

I can't take back what I did

Or what I caused

Or how it hurt

I can't do that

God do I wish though.

Not a damn day goes by were I don't regret everything I did

I cant begin to say how sorry I am for everything

For all of it

But it all feels so moot

All the pain

Regret

Self hate

And otherwise

Just doesn't feel worth it.

I hope you're out there

Living your life

Succeeding in whatever you do

Because you always do

Being happy with whoever

Doing whatever with them

I'd love for you to be happy right now

You know they say karma's a bitch

I guess they're right

I know I fucked up

I'll own that

So I'll never say I don't deserve it

First the car wreck and having my radiator in my lap.

Then the job.

Can't say I blame them

My friend goes and offs himself while no one's around

Dad got terminal

And then my cousin,

Just the other day

Dies from "some wild virus called HIV" that no one knew he had.

It's rough knowing you're not here for me anymore

It's worse knowing that it's entirely my fault.

Lately I've realized we were done anyway

I'd have never seen you with my father's health.

But who's to say this isn't karma

And that I didn't cause this

And all this loss is because of what I did to you

I feel like you'll love this

Especially since someone hacked everything that had my name attached

Off a really familiar iPad

I get it though.

I hurt you in ways I can't imagine

Only right I get hurt in new ways over and over as well.

I'm not trying to play the victim

Hell...

I don't know what I'm trying to do

But I do know I still miss you every day

I still hate what I did every day

I still regret it every day

I always will.

Every day.

I can't imagine what it's done to you.

I just hope you're happy

I hope you've had better things happen in your life

I don't think we'll ever speak again

I know we'll never see each other

So I hope that gives you everything I couldn't.

I know I fucked it up

I know I'm a fuck up

And I hope you know I'll be working on that

I did love you

I truly did try my heart out

I did give you my all

I tried

And I failed

I learned I'm an alcoholic

I learned to be sober again

I learned, through my sobriety, and through my therapy

I'm not me when I drink

I learned a lot.

I know I hurt you

I know I can't take it back

I know we'll never be the same

I just wish words existed for how sorry I am to have done that.

But the truth of the matter is

You'd think after nearly a year

You'd say something worth saying

You'd have written something worth writing

But I haven't

Truth be told

I'm speechless

[hyprexa]

Forgive me,

But I also have to be happy.

And thoughts of you

Living rent free

Doesn't help

[hyprexa]

And a nice ass doesn't mean a nice person. Yeah I've heard both before. About the same person. Thank goodness that was years ago and that persons my ex. Tf was I doing?

[hyprexa]

Dear crickets,

I haven't heard a single chirp in days

I haven't fallen asleep to your beautiful chorus

I haven't been held together by the glue your songs made for me

I know you're out there

I know if I looked enough

Sought a little deeper

Got on the ground and listened a little closer

I know I'd see you there

I know you'd jump away

For who am I

Just another soul

Just another creature

Just another threat

Just another thing

Another thing to hide from

Another thing to die from

Another thing to stomp on you

Crush you through and through

[hyprexa]

We all empty our pockets

Clutter doesn't make finding the keys very easy

25 dollars can feel like 2 grams

138 pounds

Or 25,000 pennies

That's a lot of change

That's a lot of clicking coins to carry

That's a lot of awkward fumbling

That's a lot of digging

That's a lot of shuffling

That's a lot to get through to find your keys

[hyprexa]

The Other Crickets

Back to our familiar ways

Still listening to those crickets

Those beautiful little angels

Those sweet little maestros

Performing the most mesmerizing concertos

Those powerful llittle crescendos

The soft hum of the wind

Rolling through tree tops

Cascading among the grass

A far off chirp carried to mine ear

A soft little voice

The wind carried it all this way

And I was lucky enough to hear it

I still hear the frogs

I still hear those soft little croaks

The shy little chips

As if echoing the bird

That far away beacon

That tiny whisper

It's beautiful

Is it not?

These little voices

Yea be small

But ne'er be quiet

These beautiful things

Those nearly breathtaking

Those calming and alluring sounds

The ones of rain

Freshly starting to fall

The sounds of distant birds

Soft feathered promises

That tonight I was meant to hear

The soft murmur

Of the frogs outside my windowsill

Hidden in their green little jungle

The same jungle that the breeze rolls over

The same wind speaking through tree tops

The same wind

The very same wind

That carries the song of those beautiful crickets

The ones just outside my window

So here we lie

Back in our old familiar ways

Feeling that for right now

At least for tonight

All was meant to be this way

[hyprexa]

Venus

I've swallowed the song of loneliness

I've digested chips of heartbreak

I've chewed on the legs of self reflection

And watched the blood of foundation pour out

Until none remained

I've bit at the heart of the issue

Only to choke down

More than what I bargained

I've eaten a cricket or two

I've devoured the flutters of hope

I've swallowed them whole

I've munched on the larvae of ideas

Before they hatched

I might have swallowed a butterfly or three

I've ripped into all eight legs of

Rejection

Sadness

Anger

Rage

Jealousy

Envy

Doubt

And confusion

More times than I can count

I've challenged all the eyes of emotion

To more staring contests

Than I can count

And I've lost

I've lost more matches than I can remember

But I remember my first spider

I've been stung so much

I forgot what my first bee tasted like

Or was it a wasp?

Because I still get pricked

This flytrap

This carnivore

It wont die

Theres always more bugs than traps

But this flower pot

This plant carrier

Isn't so easily broken

[hyprexa]

The idea of you, fucking terrifies me

[hyprexa]

[hyprexa]

[hyprexa]

Been roughly 1040 days

That makes about 1040 days of personal change

1040 days of never being the same person

1040 days of reflection and correction

1040 days of fear

Looking over my shoulder

Hating every damn second if it

1040...

I didnt know I could count that high and not lose place

Until 1 became 2

And 2 became 30

And 30 became a few hundred

1040 as it seems

Isnt long enough to bury the hatchet

[hyprexa]

I saw a shirt on some guy today.

It said "Bury the hatchet".

Its been on my mind all day

[hyprexa]

There was a point

All but too long ago

That I knew exactly what I'd say

[hyprexa]

Cold Thoughts

Sometimes it sucks how sad I can make myself.

But I'd rather write about the things that eat at me late at night, while I'm laying here in bed.

You ever have cold thoughts?

Thoughts that just make you feel like someone dropped an ice cube on you?

Just you, laying there, in your own head, listening to your own thoughts, feeling cold and somewhat empty; but somehow inspired?

I guess that's where I'm at right now.

I think that's where I've been for quite some time.

And all it took was that damn song

About cold pizza and tie-dye shirts

Mixed in with some random playlist

On some random livestream

All those random events,

Seamlessly strung together

I guess that's the universe's way of saying there's a lot being left unsaid

There's a lot of pencils not breaking lead after lead

There's a lot of ink not being spilled

Writing some chicken-scratched throw away poem

About some sort of wadded up, tossed aside feelings

Maybe it's the cosmos saying "You haven't exactly moved on yet."

Or rather

"You're not there yet"

Somehow, all these separate things

Coming together all at once

Out of nowhere

Maybe all the things in the universe are preordained

Maybe everything is interwoven through time and space

Maybe serendipity is just the way things are meant to be

But for now, I'll lay here

With my own thoughts

Chilling myself to the bone

To the core

The very essence of my being

As for you?

Do try to stay warm

[hyprexa]

Bad Connection

Hello?

Are you still there?

Can you hear me?

Because you haven't picked up in a while

Because I haven't felt my cup phone ring

I haven't seen the slightest tug on the string

Because on this two way line all I'm hearing is static

The automated response

That other line is no longer there

So I suppose this means goodbye

That you're not there

That you can't hear me

I'll be putting my cup down

The connections been dropped

And I won't be calling again

...............................

We're sorry but the call cannot be completed at this time.

Please hang up

And try again later

[hyprexa]

Crickets pt. 2

345 and counting.

Yeah

Counting

Because I'm still doing that shit

Because I'm still saying that shit

Because​ I'm still dealing with that shit

But you've probably went along

Moved past it all

And got over that shit

And Amen to that

Believe you me, I fuckin tried

But I still whisper "I love you"

To the birds

The wind

And the crickets

Because I fucking know your ass ain't listening

I swear the crickets get louder and the wind blowers harder

I swear it's like everything in the world screams when I think about you

It's no wonder I never get any god-damned​ sleep

But if you ever have a restless night

When crickets are chirping so damn loud you can't hear yourself think

When the wind blows so hard you think the ceiling might fall

When birds look like they could peck out your eyes

And your mind goes awol

Have that as a little gift

A little glimpse

A small taste

Because my crickets get louder and louder

And that wind's never stopped blowing

But I'll sit here

Writing to the audience of no one

Saying the same old shit

To the same damn crickets

Being eaten by the same damn birds

Getting carried by that same fucking wind

I'll just keep saying it to them

Because I know you stopped listening