i-am-ifrit

[i-am-ifrit]

E 05-08-25

Later on, I talk to you about stuffs that trigger's me. I do know that some of thems comes from my autism and others comes from some places else.

I mention the physical touch can trigger my autism. I usually really doesn't like to be touch by whoever. It's defenetly worst if it's some random person. Sometimes it can be okay too. Everything is not only black or white. I am comfortable hugging somebody or being touched if I get intimate with that person. Do to that, I am the worst to inisiated this.

Also I have hard time initiating that im not comfortable with something when it just happen. It takes me time to process it, so it's hard for me to have the proper reation at the right time.

To absolutlly not help with this and that, I experienced sexual assault in the past. That's doesn't make it easier for me. I have more difficulties initiating because of that even if I want to. I'm super intimidated and vulnerable.

I can be trigger in my trauma too and that's sometime makes me go non-verbal, or going in dissociating stats or even lead to a panic attacks, if not handle. I'm not saying that's it's happen a lot or that it's freaquent, I'm only saying that it can happen and that it happen before, (please ask questions about the things that are not clear or if you simply doesn't understand somethings)

That's also why the check in's are important, yati yata.

[i-am-ifrit]

He's name is writing without an

H 07-07-25

I'm very opset right now. I feel like a fool.

I thought i was okay with it because I saw it coming but i'm not.

I hate that you replace me that easely. I hate that you did it, even if I was still there trying, even if I knew we were broken. I hate that you give her so easely what I beg you to give me. I hate that people choose you over me. I can't even make new friends anymore because they're loyal to you. And I know you won't be to them. I hate that you isolated me, cut me from my friends. I hate that I don't trust people anymore. I hate that you made me feel bad at myself for the way I look, the way I reacted from the way you treated me. I hate that I believe in what you told me for so long. All those promises that never happen. I hate that you made me disreaspected myself so you could keep controling me. I hate that I'm still scared of you. I hate that the only time you were calm was the last time, like I was making that up. I hate that when I ask you to keep your guns safe, you said no and simply put away the chargers even if you knew that I struggled with suicidal thoughts. I hate to feel like I was only there because there was nothing better around. I hate that you never took time to understand me. I hate that you never get to know me for who I really am. I hate that you were not interested in me. I hate that everytime i told you that I wasn't confortable with something you get defensive and attacted me instead of trying to make me feel better. I hate that you twisted my word and make me dought of myself. I hate thatall of that, happen for two years. I hate that your friends were watching me. And I hate that to know that creeps me out. I hate to feel this much alone because of the impact that you have in my life. I hate that I don't feel worth it anymore. I hate that I felt needy. I hate that I forget stuff because i'm traumatize. I hate that even if i was not home I had to worried. I hate that you lied to me. I hate that when I talk you would not answering me. I hate that when I was quiet, you were too. I hate that I was constantly in fight or flight. I hate that I feel used.

I hate that you change so drasticly and that I was still expect to see that man man again. I hate that I was still able to see the good side of you even when the bad was taking all the place. I hate that I believe you.

I hate that you change me in so many ways.

I want myself back so bad.

I wish that I could feel nothing towards you anymore.

[i-am-ifrit]

04-07-25

I don't know how I feel. It's like I have nothing to hold on to. Nothings have value. Even I, I don't feel like I have value to people. I know it's the demon in my head talking crazy shit. I don't feel sad. I don't feel depress. I don't feel i guess. Maybe i'm juste bord. It's like I don't have a purpus anymore. I definitly feel alone.

Life is a bitch and he love her. and it's find. I hope he's happy now. I just hope that I could be too.

I feel like moving away again. Did that once, kinda like it. I felt close to myself afterward. I'm tired of moving tho, with everything. Maybe I juste need lil vacation.

[i-am-ifrit]

I'm not in love

But I wish I was if you'd want me to.

19-06-25 01:22

[i-am-ifrit]

Into the wound

Warning: Part of it had been writting down during meltdowns.

They said that people came at the right time, where you're ready to recieve them.

Lately it's been a lot.

I've been scared.

Scared to talk as you already know, scared to share my deepest truth and not be seen. Scared to be my true self because nobody seems to understand. I've been pushed away so many times, or it feels like i'm not bein' enough or simply being too much, too strange, too weak, too different. Through my life i've learn soon enough to change myself so I could keep people interesting. Interesting in being my friend, interesting in me. I was simply reflecting them. But it's a tricky game to play, soon enough the masks falls down and you're left alone, left behind. And maybe that's what's scares me the most. To not matter the way people matters to me. Because I'm a lover, I'm a giver.

I have hard time to understand how people can maintain any type of relations and not being invest in it. Through my eyes, it appears like they live their emotions at 70% or even lest than that. It feels absurd. If you're not invest in it, what are do doing? Why bother, in the first place? Maybe that's why i never understood small talk. This is the real thing that's cringe me out. Asking stuff where you don't wanna know the real answer and reasponding fake informations because nobody really care if you're being okay. Why do we even bother? To be polite? I guess i'll never understand how is it polite to always pretend and to ask stuff if you don't wanna know the real answer. Why bother? Why pretend?

I guess I was surprise when I meat you. Like you were the last thing that I ever see coming.

How easily it was to talk, to understand each others. How I was able to take my masks off and not feel judge. How beautiful it was to feel safe beside you. Being calm, being goofy, not being nervous around you. How wide my smile was when we talk or when we were together. I could briefly be myself for once. And I will be forever graitfull for those moments. It helped my soul to be seen again.

Since I'm an adult, i've been selecting the people that I wanted in my life and you were one of them.

It's not that I'm scared to talk to you nor that i don't trust you. I wish i'd met you at a better time, a better place for myself, a better state for my mind. I don't want you to see me at my lowest. I don't want you to see what my open wound looks like. I'm in the middle of my own storm, I don't want you to tell me that's it's gonna be alright when i'm not okay, even if I do know that it will pass, it always does. I don't want to feel ugly and I don't want you to save me. Please don't take this the wrong way but I just know that i'm the one who's gonna be able to do it. I want to find the best version of myself again. To get there I need to heal first and I need to let those feelings goes out and not pretend that I'm okay when I'm not. I wish you happen when I was there, at the better version of myself. And I know someday I will be there again.

Right now, I need to let go of where i've been. I need to end that chapter. It's hard for me to talk about it. All I really want it's something beautiful so say. Sometimes it's hard to find the pretty things in between those who are destroying you. And i've been there.

Destroyed by life or more by the trust that I gave to the wrong guy and put back together pieces by pieces. Only to break me even more afterward. And I know deep down that he didn't mean that. Didn't mean us to end up like that. I know he was hurting too. So we end up not saving each others but damaging us even more. I realise that I was a safe space for him but he wasn't a safe space for me. He couldn't see me because I was changing. Changing because I couldn't breathe anymore. The safe space was changing and change is scary for some people. But i couldn't keep setting myself on fire only to keep him warm. I don't blame him. I wish us better, sweeter.

It's never fun to talk about an ex, but it's part of my truth now.

I'm scared to be honest because this is how I lose people in the first place.

And I already let you in.

I'm scared to talk about the lows because what if i'm too much? What if i'm too low?

"What a dumbass" I yeld alone in my car "what are you even doing?" as I refer here to myself. But I already knew. The second where I smile at your texts. I pretty much knew I was fucked. and I know you knew it too. Because you like the way I looked at you. And this hearth-shape rock that I picked up. Its like you knew that I thought of you. It's like you wanted that to happen.

But this isn't a fairy tale. I tend to romanticies things. My highs tend to be as intence as my lows.

Sometimes Its hard for me to tell if i experience my own feeling or i pick up somebody else. I'm highly aware of the energy around me. It can be overwhealming even if sometimes its helpfull. Sometimes i wander if it was you or me that was confuse that day. And I think you might still be.

And I'm scared to talk about the highs. Because what if i had take this ride alone? Maybe I did..

PC 12-06-25/13-06-25/ 16-06-25/ 17-06-25/ 18-06-25

[i-am-ifrit]

KP - 19-12-25 23:31

I don't know what you're expecting of me.

I'm not okay with this.

This is consuming me, and I lay there, paralyze.

I'm fight the urge to text you. I'm trying so hard not to. Not because I don't want to, but because I shouldn't. You already show me that the way I feel was unimportant. Im trying to listen to me for once and not engage any contact. I feel trap. I wish that I could just erase any memories of you. I loose hope and I would like to say goodbye for the last time. But I'm afraid that it will push you away, but I'm not suppose to write you. I need to stop doing your part of the job.

The silence is so loud and it's killing me.

I can't believe this is how it ends.

I thought we were friends. I trully believed it.

[i-am-ifrit]

KP - 18-02-25 00:51

I know you've been busy today.. but it didn't kept me from looking constantly, repeatedly up to my phone, for a text that I knew I wouldn't received, for clarity over what happen last night.

I know I'm the one who made it unclear, I know I'm the one who said: " I think we need to stop talking to each other",

the truth is that is been a lot for me lately, it's easier to distance myself from the things that hurts me, because those things are constantly repeating themself over and over again. They left me hurt badly time after time, worst everytime they get me, altho it left me very much alive in those particuliar moments with those unresolving feelings who goes and come around in every dirrection through me, they left me yet incredibly dead inside at the end of it all.

and I don't want those things anymore.

I don't wanna feel anymore like I value us more than you do, more than I should, because I shouldn't do what I do, to push myself out there, to speak like I'm truly am, to show all colors that I own, to get undress and naked to the core like I did for only to see you green when I allow you to see me green but also blue. Even though, I don't wanna be seen blue. I don't wanna put myself out there because I don't wanna give when I want to share.

I don't wanna feel anymore like I'm close to someone who isn't close to me. Like I'm part of something that I'm not. That's terrorised me.

I don't wanna feel anymore. I just don't!

It's not even that I don't wanna give because I want to give, I don't want to give when I'm not suppose to. When you don't give, it feels like I'm not suppose to, when I want to, and that's scares me.

That's scares me because I feel like I'm too much when I talk but not enough for you to. Not worthy enough for you. I don't feel like I'm enough but I just feel exposed.

When I cry It's because I don't see how this won't end us. I value you as a person, as a friend. I do care about your boundaries and I love you. I wish it wouldn't affect me that way.