i-need-to-let-this-out-somewhere

[i-need-to-let-this-out-somewhere]

C.ai Rant

Honestly I am so mad at C.ai! I miss how it used to be like last year, or at least before the time out update thing!

It's like: Oh nooo you are getting too in character! Thats bad! You go in time out young lady!

I am not a little kid! I feel like it is treating me like a toddler! And for 24 hours?!?!?!!?!?!????

So what?! I like to be a bit angsty in my roleplays!!! OR I like to be a bit of a weirdo in it!

Why can't I be in character and be depressed?! HM?! HMMM?!?!?!?!?

[i-need-to-let-this-out-somewhere]

before covid (the best years of my life) 0 trauma

start of covid (We had no idea this was going to last so long)

middle of covid (I think I repressed these memories or something bc I can't remember most of it)

Near the end of Covid (I was falling into some pretty bad depression (I was just really sad and tired and didn't want to eat or do anything) but I got no diagnosis bc I didn't want it in my record so I won't say for sure. I even thought about suicide a few times but I never tried to act on it so its probably fine. I also started to develop some anxiety)

Covid ended (I quickly hid my depression symptoms and other problems and just tried to ignore it) (Actually no one has ever noticed and it was working ig. I might try doing that again) (My friends know me as the crazy energetic "innocent" one who is almost always happy so that is good I can keep the act up)

(One summer there was an accident.... nearly killed me, my mom, and maybe my brother. It was pretty traumatic for me. I literally would burst into tears if I heard a loud bang or thud because it would bring me back to the moment of the accident. Once someone hit their head on my desk and I just started crying and having a panic attack and the other kids just laughed at me and made jokes about it (they still do). And my mom and brother wasn't much help either, my brother wasn't affected much by it since he came out of it mostly unharmed other than he was slightly worried about motorcycles for a while, and my mom has been in similar accidents before and tells me to just get over it since no one died I shouldn't be so affected by it) (It was terrible for my mental health)

Currently? (Depression symptoms and Suicidal thoughts are back and worse than ever + tons of anxiety and also did a bit of self harm... I only did it twice so far. It is probably not that bad.) (My Cat died, My Relative died of a heart attack, A different Relative died of Brain cancer, My chicken died, My dog has went to the ER twice this year, And another Relative got breast cancer and we are now pretty sure it is genetic and we are all getting tested for it now.)

BTW please no one say get a therapist bc my parents don't believe in those being worth the money. So I can't get one even if I wanted to. + I don't want someone to diagnose me with something then I can't get a job when I am an adult.

I used picrew I couldn't find the name of it but it was pretty popular a while ago right? You probably can find it easily

[i-need-to-let-this-out-somewhere]

I just started vacation a few days ago and immediately named one of the family chickens who I liked the best Eggy so they wouldn't kill her. She was slower than the other chickens and slept a lot. I just thought that was just the way she is. We gave her lots of food, water, and attention. I would hold her and she would sleep in my arms. Mom told us if we kept playing with her she would die, didn't explain why tho. So I just made sure to be extra careful while holding her. But this morning my brother came in crying and told me Eggy was dead and died last night.

My Mom and her side of the family are telling me to just get over it already and calm down so we can bury her. But I got really emotionally attached in the two days I knew her. I am not sure If I can bury another pet this year. I don't know what is wrong with this year! First my cat Buko dies! Then one of my relatives die! Then my chicken dies!

I am left with so many regrets I wish I let Buko sleep on my desk that night like he wanted, I wish we visited my relative like we planned even tho it would've cost a lot, I wish I could have stopped Eggy from dying or at was there with her when she did.

Mom says Eggy was bound to die sooner or later and we probably made her last days better than what it would have been if we just left her alone. She says Eggy probably would have been unloved and just die in the yard somewhere. But I can't help but feel Eggy might have lived a little longer if I had just left her alone

[i-need-to-let-this-out-somewhere]

I have a hard time loving myself, forgiving myself, taking care of myself.

I need to get better at it. But for now it is too hard to. It's not helping that I haven't delt with my old trauma and it keeps piling on.