i-talk-too

[i-talk-too]

I had a dream I was purposely left out of an event. I clearly remember seeing names on a board and in a group chat someone asking why I'm in the group. The person who organized the event doesn't remember why they added me so they write in the group chat that they'll take me out. A message later I see I am not longer part of the chat and the people invited to the event. Everything happened while I was offline. Maybe if I were more connected I could've stood up for myself but I wasn't available when it happened.

The dream has certain points that hurt me and got me thinking. Firstly, I like to be invited to things even when I choose not to come. I'm not as social as other people and I get tired easily from interactions with others. My therapist says it's probably because I'm overly aware of what's happening. I'm not comfortable so I continously look for what is happening and i try to read other people's expressions. That's tiring and uncomfortable for long periods of time.

The way I was told I'm not invited wasn't around the bush. It was directly because of me and a person I probably didn't get along with that well. It used to matter the world for me if someone expressed their discontent with me. I've concluded pretty recently I can't do much about other people's feelings or thoughts so I gave up running to please everyone. It still affects me but not as much and not as often. It's a conclusion that was on the table for a long time but I couldn't live by it or believe it would help me. I think the way that person asked why was I invited in the group chat of people was what really got me hurt in that discussion.

Another bit of information I noticed was how I wasn't available. I'm not available often emotionally so I avoid things. I know it creates a loop of continuous avoiding of people and things and that it does more harm than good. I don't avoid stuff most of the time, just when I'm feeling down. It had its effects on my work but I'm finishing that soon so I don't mind anymore. It does matter to me more with my social life. My best friend knows that if I don't answer her for some time then I'm probably taking time off for myself but others aren't as considerate. I tend to answer when I feel comfortable doing so. I try not to procrastinate it for more than a day at most but some times it can be challenging to keep.

All in all, it was a bad dream and I woke up sleeping on my stomach when I physically remember trying to sleep on my back.

It's a Monday morning and it's D-3 before I finish my Sherut Leumi of two years. I met a friend next to the bus stop but I don't think she was up for a conversation in the morning so we had some small talk and then her bus arrived. I don't know if she avoids me at times but she's never been one to approach others. I usually come to her and say hi first.

I have a long day today and I just remembered that I forgot to take my medicine that I'll need to take by 6 pm. It's 7 am right now and but after work I'm going with my work friends to another friend to prepare a celebratory meal for ourselves. I make some good stir fry with meat and vegetables so I'll be making that. The friend we're going to is a cook at a famous chef's restaurant so hell be in charge of most things. He's a cool dude but he reminds me too much of my brother with anger issues. He tried joking with me but he raised his voice in a way I found frightening and unpleasant. I knew I shouldn't get offended but I was having a rough time so it didn't make things simpler and I took some of it to heart.

There was something I really wanted to write about! I spoke yesterday with a worker I respect and she said how proud she is of me for sticking till the end. She thought most people would leave after what I've been through in my current workplace but I stuck there and I did so much more than just survive it. I created myself a friend circle, I made (and still make) sure everyone is included and comfortable within the group and I try to create a positive environment for everyone. I really gave my all throughout this year and I've grown as a person. She was a source of strength for me during some conflicts I had when I came here.

I started typing this when I just got on the bus and I'm already at work. I will do my best to have a good day :]

[i-talk-too]

Setting personal boundaries is so difficult. I like talking to people but my social battery runs out pretty quickly and it's hard for me to say that I can't deal with a conversation anymore when the other person doesn't let me talk almost at all... I have two co-workers that I really like hanging out with but they both are very needy and they just come and talk with me without really looking at if I'm okay with talking at the moment or if I'm busy with work. I'm done with my current job on Thursday so I'm just holding on until then but it's just too difficult to speak with them since they are so eager to talk about themselves but a lot less eager to listen. I just find myself being frustrated at how I can't seem to tell them that I want to talk too but once they finish their chatter, they either leave the room (not giving me enough time to say I want to talk too) or go about their business. Chatting with them feels like a battle and I'm not up for a fight. When I do get the chance to speak, by the end of the conversation they don't ask any follow up questions or react in a certain way. Some times they even start advising me stuff and I don't want that. I can't find a nice way to tell them I'm not interested in listening to their advice on my life just like I don't advise them on their lives unless they ask me to. Everyone thinks they're so much smarter and experienced than me and I don't want to be rude and tell them that my life is difficult in its own ways and I don't need their help. I overshare on small details but I don't share what's on my mind unless I feel comfortable with the other person. Only after observing them for some time do I decide if I can share or not. One of the co-workers is a bit more on the sensitive side so I can talk to him sometimes but he's mostly busy with himself.

Since this is a safe space for me I just say whatever I want. I feel like I'm constantly deprived of speaking my mind. I don't think I'm a bad person most of the time but when I bottle up my feelings for so long I get frustrated and easily irritated. It's harder to control what I say and do and I often regret getting to that situation when I could have solved it before it exploded in my face. At least I have my therapist to talk to. I'm very thankful to her. I feel comfortable talking with her and I feel like I won't be judged. That's obviously part of her job but it's the way she calmly handles situations that I can feel more assured with my feelings and thoughts.

I'm just frequently overwhelmed from many things and I worry how I'd deal with things in the future. I haven't started university yet and I'm not even close to choosing my profession for the time being. I don't know how to handle things and it's all a burden. I remind myself to take one step at a time and go my own pace. It solemnly helps.

[i-talk-too]

Only when I'm at my limit I'm able to put my self boundaries and stand up for what I deserve. Until I reach my limit, I don't feel like I'm able to set a boundary and make sure I don't need to repeat myself regarding it.

[i-talk-too]

I tend to overly sacrifice myself for people that aren't aware I'm using my energy for them. In some occasions it can lead to a friendship or the feeling of having a nice coworker but usually it ends in more self hatred for me. I know how to differentiate between a person I feel comfortable using my time and energy for and between someone I don't want to be doing that for but I still can't seem to separate them. I misuse my time on people who I feel like take me for granted.

Being kind isn't easy. It's difficult and it's challenging but I want to believe it's worthwhile and valuable. I will continue to put myself in situations where I don't know if the other person actually cares about what I'm doing and I will stop once I can't anymore. It's hard to only do what I want but I can't stand feeling like a hypocrite for so long...

[i-talk-too]

I relate to this so so much these days. I either feel apathetic or overwhelmed with emotions. It's usually on the apathetic side lately...

“Some days, I feel everything at once. Other days, I feeling nothing at all. I don’t know what’s worse: drowning beneath the waves or dying from the thirst.”

— o.m

[i-talk-too]

“Sometimes you change your mind about a person. Or your feelings for them change, or they change, or, I don’t know, you just want to make a different decision. And that’s always okay. You don’t owe anyone anything.”

— Emily Henry, The Love That Split the World

[i-talk-too]

"You are secure in my arms."

-me to my dog on a car ride

[i-talk-too]

What if there were little biting lizards near places like sinks and they would chomp on people's fingers (enough to annoy but not to hurt) if that person didn't do their own dishes or cleaned up after themselves? I feel like that would save me so much trouble.

[i-talk-too]

I feel like 70% of my problems could be solved with me drinking water regularly

[i-talk-too]

Things I'm grateful for today:

My best friend showing me how she's been treasuring small gifts I got her several years ago

Making an online friend happy after wishing them a happy birthday with a letter I wrote and made together with a picture of their favorite kpop group

Had a great meeting with my psychologist and talked about my worries with my work friend group (small misunderstanding between 2 people)

Had a fun day overall at work. My co-workers and I decided to have a toast day and we all brought some ingredients and made our own toasts. We ate and watched a show together which was super fun

Eating good food and a delicious low calorie ice cream

Hand sanitizers

Going out with my friend tonight to a bar to celebrate a birthday

Other than not getting enough sleep from yesterday to today, it's been a good day :)

I'm proud of myself for handling it well

[i-talk-too]

What matters to one might be important to many but one can have their unique experience of their cherished possession.

Sleep matters to me and so does my alone time. I can never seem to have enough of it. When I feel like my battery is full, it doesn't last as long as I hoped it would. Social gatherings are a cursed blessing.

[i-talk-too]

Can't sleep, can't stand

Thinking of a better tomorrow

Today was hazy

Not a flower looked pretty in any hour.

I'm bored. I've been trashed. By myself I feel like the past. Where I used to hide under the sheets. Hoping no one would find me but someone to rescue me.

I've felt pleasure and I've felt pain,

It's all really quite the same.

A wavering emotion,

Creating tides like the ocean.

Don't find happiness in what I do

I can't stand being here without the part of me that I see and want from you.

Not a romantic relationship, I want a partnership.

Writing without thinking of what's and who's,

I can't understand myself with so little cues.

I want a hug that's so big and warm

It'll defrost my icicles of stone.

[i-talk-too]

Empty empty empty

[i-talk-too]

I thought I could have a safe place other than my room but I guess nothing is completely safe. I feel wronged and attacked even though most of it isn't directed to me.

[i-talk-too]

I feel like I'm playing tug of war with two sides of myself and neither wants to win or to lose. Just to hold on and hang in there until the referree makes a decision about the game.

[i-talk-too]

The thought that I sometimes carry the weight of the world on my shoulders feels selfish.

[i-talk-too]

Whenever I feel anxious, this song calms me a bit. It calms me just enough so I can think more rationally rather than emotionally