i-wander-and-wonder-and

[i-wander-and-wonder-and]

Still riding that sugar train!

Omg, feeling out of control. It's a constant craving, add Kady Lang would sing. Good news is, it got me to go for a short walk last night, to go to the Japanese 99 cent store and buy an odd bag of caramel puffs and chewy candies. Really, losing the grip on my dreams for that BULLSHIT food. At work I'm definitely not hip and ruined two Insta stories today. One I accidentally walked into a video being filmed and didn't react right and the other, I didn't raise my cup right in a toast. Haa, I take no offense and find out comical and fascinating. Especially, how smooth and routine it is for the 20 somethings... flawless content creation on the fly. Headache this morning from dehydration and sugar. Dropped the damn phone this morning and wrote out goals. A couple are simple, several are challenging, and one is audacious!

[i-wander-and-wonder-and]

Carbs... why?

Fucking carbs. Sugar. So addictive. Three days I've been back on the juice. Seems a donut at work and moving into a semi permanent place has set me off. I absolutely will not fall into old patterns sms lifestyle ruin. I've not been walking. Learning a new skill and responsibility for a big project under that new skill has my brain expanding and periodically exploding. A start up is a lightening fast world, and to think that months ago my brain was experiencing memory loss from stress and dehydration and sugar addicting, blows me away. I'm 100% on matcha for at least 2 weeks now. Well, except for one indulgence of earl grey and half and half, when I had the delightful experience of cuddling up on the couch with my son to watch United play and have our tea and McVities biscuits! My stomach is never upset post tea/coffee and dairy. My energy seems more stable and prolonged. The data is skewed because of fucking carbs in my life. Trying a vegan diet has thrown me too, leaving me feeling a lacking of a real meal, but that's because I haven't been cooking. I don't own a pot nor pan! Apartment sharing here doesn't mean community and sharing, down to kitchen sponges and brushes and can openers - it's to each her own. Odd. I'll wait til next payday for pots, though I'll barley have enough. Having a job and place means consumption. I've enjoyed my minimalist life, and not having possessions. Now it's not possible to live a functioning life. My room is sparse and I certainly don't mind that, right now. But, this doesn't feel like a home, so it doesn't bother me. I mostly just enjoy not having to constantly be searching for the next place to stay. So, I'm off to find some protein and head to work, where we're having company pizza dinner... carbs, dairy, and my fave.

[i-wander-and-wonder-and]

I found nirvana, and it's in Santa Monica!

Saturday morning's United match was a late start, 9:30am. I woke up naturally at 6am, so I had plenty of time to psyche myself up for my first real solo plan of weekend fun. I've been so hyper focused on finding a job and housing that, besides a movie with my son, I haven't really allowed much time for fun exploring and relaxing. I'd found a couple English pubs in Santa Monica online and had been wanting to go, despite not being a drinker. I was pretty sure they opened for the early morning matches, even 4am. The one that looked so much like a traditional English pub is only a 10 minute drive from my new place. I tried to talk myself out of it several times, but the alternative was watching on my phone. It was a gorgeous Saturday, and I wanted to walk at the beach afterwards. I went! This is a huge personal success for me. I am financially challenged so I didn't want to pay $22 for parking and ended up parking 3 blocks up at a 3 hour meter. The pub was open, whew. I wandered around the restaurant part and finally asked where to watch the match... the bar. I went in the dark bar and there were televisions everywhere, including two massive big screens about 6 or 8 feet across! I asked the handsome bartender if I could watch the match in there and he replied in a charming Irish accent "it depends who your cheering for". I replied "United" and he said "what'll you have?". I sat at the bar and ordered a hard cider at 930 in the morning after seeing a guy drinking a Guinness. I wanted to fit in even though I knew it'd be at least 5 bucks. The match came on and the bar filled up with the Los Angeles Manchester United supporters! The guy next to me had had a heart attack the night before, but left the hospital to come to watch the match! He was delightful to chat with as was the young guy next to him, both wearing united shirts. Both knew the game and the team! There were even two females in their club! Everyone was nice, though I mostly just spoke with the two at the bar. I ordered a side of chips as well, rounding out the whole English vibe. It was intoxicating, talking United, cheering Lukaku's two goals, and freaking out over the new VAR review system - bloody awful. After the 2-0 victory, I said goodbye and next door they had an English store with homemade meat pies info the back bakery and a large supply of McVities! Nirvana for sure! I went for a walk on a nice busy path up above the ocean boardwalk as I didn't have enough time on the parking meter. It was a warm sunny day and the ocean was lovely and full of wonder as always. It was a fantastic morning! I tried out the little gym at my condo and went for a neighborhood walk. The rest of the day I spent in my room on my phone eating chips and carbs... I'm not sure why that old behavior flared up! Awful feeling. So today, I'll have to be quite conscious about drinking lots of water and avoiding a repeat of that. Cheers.

[i-wander-and-wonder-and]

Bacon - eating vegan

Donuts were brought into the office. I'd already been primed that the maple glazed with crumbled bacon on top was an amazing indulgence, so I grabbed one as people started to lay claims. Ate it, no regrets. Then there was the birthday tart. Lack of water...i had a headache all day, including now. A big bookkeeping project is clogging my brain these days. The sugar and weird eating has taken away focus and given me brain fog. Time to clean it back out. The house is a bit dirty, so that has me a bit grossed out. I bought some supplies to get on this. No toilet paper, that was interesting. Got a few more groceries. Falling asleep.

[i-wander-and-wonder-and]

Minimalist, indeed.

I moved into my new place, a condo in L.A.. By moved in, I mean carried in my small suitcase, a backpack, and a cloth grocery tote. That's all my stuff except a few non essential odds and ends in the car. My room has a desk, office chair, and a twin bed left behind by the prior renter. I'm grateful for them. I worked at the office til past 10pm to help move our inventory. We're sub leasing part of our office, as we rented to much square footage and can save money renting it out. So, I arrived late to my first night in the condo. Jen met me and gave me keys. I put the bedding I got yesterday onto the kinda dirty mattress. No time to launder the bedding before using it. I was tired and didn't care. Being right next to a freeway is loud, no surprise there. I was happy to just pour in under the thin inexpensive sheet and the comforter I'd bought. Sleep was easy.

[i-wander-and-wonder-and]

Peanut butter bic

Money is tight. I got down to my lowest, around $200 to my name. So frightening. But, I just keep moving in a forward direction. Going vegan and being poor, limits my options. A jar of cheap chunky peanut butter and a loaf of whole wheat bread, a bag of tangerines, and a tub of dates. That was my grocery shopping. Last night, I had to go to target to buy bedding. It was foreign to me to go shopping. My minimalist lifestyle doesn't allow for it, nor does my bank account. I found the best bargains I could, but it still cost $60 to furnish the bed and get 1 towel and some washcloths. I looked at clothes, but found nothing. I still had half of my commute left after shopping and was starving. I pulled out my peanut butter and the bic pen on the dash. Dipping the end on to scoop out a bite of protein felt both low like a loser and impressive in my resilience and resourcefulness. It tasted good and made the drive time better. Scoop after scoop and a Tim Ferris podcast...i was just fine.

[i-wander-and-wonder-and]

Home

I've been toggling between pet sits and an Airbnb for months now, here in the delicious and intoxicating climate of L.A.. The Airbnb is more of a boarding house situation, and it works just fine for me, being affordable and the owner lets me pay him cash and it's cheap. I got promoted to full time at work, with a slight increase in pay and shares in the company. So that means long days, low pay and it could fail in 6 months or make me a millionaire in 3 years. I'm working for the latter; in it to win it. Full time job in Santa Monica means pet sitting will be hard to come by because I'm not around all day, which used to make my profile attractive. And, commuting to Koreatown is brutal. Minimum one hour each way, mostly just stopped. If I jump on the 10 freeway it's 15 miles per hour, if it moves. So, I started looking for a more permanent option. Santa Monica apartments are around $4k for a one bedroom. Not in my budget. I've never had a roommate, but now's the time to give it a go. First place was a nice school nurse, about 60. The condo was huge with 3 floors. She didn't choose me, in this competitive roommate world, and I was really disappointed. Next, I met a woman at a Mexican bakery. I was nervous because the bedroom looked messy and I thought it could have water damage under the window (in L.A.? ). She immediately admitted her kids live there, and she looked a bit rough... perhaps a substance problem. I was in my car following her the 2 blocks to the apartment and we got separated. I pulled over and text her that I didn't want to live with children. Finally, a condo near my work and might I add, near a bevy of amazing looking restaurants and coffee shops! Oh, also right next to a major freeway, ugh. I met JJ & Jacky. JJ is in his 20's from Hong Kong and Jacky is from Thailand, 60ish, and teaches Thai language at ucla. The condo is plain. Just a couch and love seat black leather... no warmth or appeal. A coffee table, and a small old table with about a dozen small plants. That's it. The rental bedroom has a small twin bed and I think a small desk furnishing it. I chatted with them and they're both kind and pleasant. The next day they offered it to me and I took it. I have a home!

[i-wander-and-wonder-and]

A 53 year old in a startup world

It started with a Skype interview, which I hate due to appearance insecurities and a weird awkwardness I have. On my phone screen appeared a young boy. An enthusiastic 23-year-old, moving around in his chair with an adorable way of speaking and floppy hair. We had a short conversation, which I couldn���t get a read on how I came across and how he viewed me. But, I got invited to an in-person interview with S and his partner, R. I showed up in Santa Monica to an upstairs office, expecting a smaller version of the Facebook offices with slides, and cool chairs, and organic food for free. The office was sparse with no receptionist, and I couldn’t tell if they were moving in or moving out. I said ‘hello’ loudly to get attention, and S appeared. He introduced me to the few people in the office. The one young woman I had seen staring in some of their youtube videos. When I met her I said, “Hi! I recognize you, I’ve seen you on the youtube” “ON THE YOUTUBE”. OMG! I sounded like an old lady, not savvy to the ways of technology. I immediately called myself out, but it was too late. R and S took me next door to a coffee shop for a matcha, and we sat outside at a picnic table to chat. I must add in for visualization, S is about 6′5″ and R is 7′1″!!! They both played volleyball at UCLA. R was playing pro beach volleyball and walked away in his prime to start this business. These two young guys were so kind to me and S especially were able to look past appearance and age and see my experience and the value I would bring to the new company. I was already hired to my surprise. I didn’t really know what the job was or how much they’d pay me, but I agreed to show up Monday. I’m a month in and I”ve learned the different stages of a startup. I learned I would be making $12.50 per hour. I haven’t made that little of money since I was a kid. It was quite a shock when S told me this amount. I tried my best to hide my fright. How can I live on part-time at that low of wage? I have no home. In taking a job and settling in from the vagabond travel lifestyle, that means securing a place to live. I will be less attractive as a pet sitter, with working part-time, not home with the pet as much as I used to be able to offer. With $600 every two weeks, there’s no way out of this homeless state. I’ve already been supplementing pet sits with an Airbnb, set up like a hostel with private rooms. I’m currently pet sitting at my niece’s lovely apartment in Marina Del Rey, but that’s just two weeks, then I have nothing. So the stage this startup is at is the Seed Stage. This is why there are no bikes and catered lunches at my office. The founders are hustling money from friends and families and maybe some angel investors. This is the hardcore, work your ass off stage, with zero certainties that you’ll make it to the next stage. The sales alone are not breaking even yet. Salaries are low and hours are long. These guys are grinding hard, and I see great potential for them. I definitely feel ancient and the old lady there, not because they treat me that way, but just in my own mind and how I fit into the space. The language is different, but I’m used to it from having just raised a teenager. The sports language and high fives are familiar to me and easy to play in, from my sports background. They guys high five me constantly. There is a lot of ‘bro’ energy and lingo thrown around. Lots of cussing, luckily because I’ve got a mouth on me. There is lots of cheering and getting pumped up. Loud rap music pumps in the background, luckily my work doesn’t require concentration because I can’t work like that. Right now, I’m in charge of fulfillment - picking, packing, and shipping the product. Also, customer service and human resources. I want to do more, more in my planning skillset, but S isn’t seeming too interested and doesn’t see how it fits into this fast-moving stage. We take walking meetings, which are distracting to me because S has such long legs that I have to concentrate to keep up and to not trip on the uneven sidewalks. Team meetings once a week, we sit on the fucking floor cause they think it’s cool. I think it hurts my back and ass, and I feel so awkward with my stomach fat rolls sticking out and the struggle to get up and down from the floor. Just six months ago I could literally not get down on the ground or up off of it, but they don’t know that. One meeting we all sat around a table, and it was productive and so much more comfortable. I’ve fallen for these two charismatic young guys. Their desire and passion is relatable and fun. I want them to win. Now, like all of my other jobs, they are starting to find their way to my back office area and chat with me about success and challenges, high fiving me. They’re taking on a grand challenge of running the L.A. marathon and I ask about their achievements daily. They get pumped up talking to me about it. I love them both, and I’m really enjoying watching them work and play and learn, cheering on their successes and giving them a safe place to talk of their failures and fears. With having to allow Dawson to have his own space and become an independent man, they guys are filling that ENORMOUS and painful void. I don’t know where this will go, but I’m having fun riding the wave of uncertainty and thrill.

[i-wander-and-wonder-and]

When in California...

Two mornings in a row, I’m on the toilet experiencing the uncertainty of explosive diarrhea and dry heaves, not sure if I should stay seated or stand to puke. Yup, I’ve gone vegan! That’s not really fair, the going vegan has very little to do with the gastrointestinal distress. At first, I guessed it to be the fantastic olive tampanade hummus I grabbed at Vons and ate during my commute to work. There are definitely enough stoppages to eat a whole lunch while commuting here in L.A. The first round was good, but with no refrigerator, at the startup I work at, I risked it and ate more hummus after it sat in my tote bag for four hours. Or, when I got home I couldn’t resist finishing it off, adding some pineapple salsa to the mix - now it’d been without refrigeration for seven hours. The next morning, yesterday I sat on the toilet and contemplated it if was worth it. It was, it was that good.I also had a chopped salad that morning - hmmmm the plot thickens. Last night, I finished off the bag o’ chopped salad and this morning I had the same issue. I also came across an article of a massive recall of salad and produce products due to Listeria. I’m officially claiming I had Listeria. So back to my dabbling into veganism. I’ve been a vegetarian since mentally freaking out at how disgusting chicken McNuggets were in 1985. I had started reading some books on us food production and it opened my eyes to how horrible our meat system is and the inhumane practices in it. I haven’t had a hamburger since 1985 - that’s gotta give me some good bowel karma. I have lived periods where I’ll eat pork on occasion and I’ve never ruled out fish, so I’d never make claims at being a vegetarian or argue my title. Ever since my epiphany, I’ve had growing issues with eating different things like seafood, eggs, and milk. It creeps me out texture-wise and mentally. I love cheese and half and half for my tea. Eggs I tolerate for the protein and other dairy. But with this recent growing wariness of seafood, and I can’t afford quality fresh stuff anyway, I started thinking about getting up the courage to go all the way! Just say fuck it and stop eating dairy. I’ve allowed a couple opt-outs for an occasional pizza or ice cream, but even when I indulge I’ll try for vegan options. I cook a fantastic pizza from scratch so I feel confident I can make a delicious pizza without dairy, and I’ve already had wonderful ice cream alternatives. So this is day two of my veganism. I like it. It feels good to increase my produce purchases. Today, I cooked up brown rice, black beans, veggie broth, green chiles, and corn into a stew-like concoction. It’s delicious. I’ve also switched 100 percent to matcha tea, replacing coffee and black tea. I use unsweetened almond milk and a teaspoon of coconut cream to make a matcha latte and it’s delicious. Energy is good. I’m feeling good. No cravings - well when I just mentioned pizza! It is my favorite food! But currently I hate spending money on it, and the feeling afterward is like a fattie hangover - hate it. I’m excited to see where this leads.

[i-wander-and-wonder-and]

Awkward sleeping arrangements

I’m a grown woman so this wasn’t really that awkward, I tend to exaggerate for a good story effect. Oreo’s dog owner came home late last night after his gig in New York City. This was pre-agreed upon between us and we communicate through text, so it was no surprise. I moved from his room to his daughter’s room off the kitchen. An air mattress bed - never hear of this. Yes, it induced a little havoc on my back but I slept pretty well. I go to bed early with my new ‘defeat my phone addiction’ schedule, so I was in deep sleep when he arrived later than expected at 2:30am (east coast major freeze and snow storm delayed him). I got up at 6am to move my car from the 12-hour parking spot down the hill, to avoid another ticket, 3 is enough thank you. Then I just headed to the beach for a morning walk in the dark. There’s enough light from lamps and businesses so that’s it’s not completely dark, but the sun was certainly still asleep in the east as I hoofed it down the cement boardwalk. 

Again, not a lot of people out, but enough to get in some more people watching. I went back to the daughter’s room and shut the door when I got home, charged my phone and hid in there to avoid awkwardness. Jerry was leaving mid-morning to fly off to another gig somewhere. I heard him in the kitchen and finally shouted a “good morning Jerry” to him. We chatted politely through the closed bedroom door, and I stayed hidden to let him have his space and prepare for another flight and gig. Finally, at 11am, I opened the door and put water on for a cuppa. He was bustling around between the bathroom and his bedroom and taking calls on speakerphone from his ex-wife. I sat in the living room and quietly drank my earl grey and stayed buried in my phone. It was impossible not to overhear most of his conversation, especially when my name came up! She started questioning him when she learned I stayed the night and he was home too. He and I joked about it afterward. I said goodbye and left with Oreo for a walk. He’ll return again this evening, but I’ll be asleep then leave early in the morning for Santa Monica and my new charge, Atticus. I can’t wait to write about him! 

 I had planned to go watch sunset tonight, but it has been cloudy all day, even moisture in the air. I wouldn’t call it rain, but misty and moist, so I’m staying in on my last night in Hermosa Beach doing laundry, nibbling semi-sweet chocolate chips, and blogging. 

[i-wander-and-wonder-and]

Oreo! Back in my life!

I stopped writing due to the stress of acclimating back in the states, so I’m jumping in where I’m at and will try and fill in the gap as time allows. I’m back in Hermosa Beach, CA. I love this place. Another Trusted Housesitters gig with the owner Jerry, a traveling musician. When starting to plan (ha, plan - there’s no planning, but more of stumbling onto opportunities after hours of searching) January, I text Jerry to see if his Chihuahua (actually a chiweenie) mix needed a sitter, and he did! I fell for dear Oreo on my last visit despite an introduction with non-stop barking at me while his owner was still home. 

Oreo has a lovely personality which I can’t resist - he’s really gotten into my heart. I’m sitting in the glorious sunshine in the morning, in the backyard with Oreo. He desperately wants into my lap to sleep in the sun, but my laptop is winning over his dreamy brown eyes and ears made for hearing - large, pointy, sometimes floppy ears. Ah there, he’s laid down and makes sunbathing look like the absolutely best activity in life, perhaps it is. I’m working at a new startup in Santa Monica now, part-time making just $12.50 per hour! I certainly can’t afford rent in that deluxe rental market, so I’ll keep sitting while I save money. The startup was founded by two volleyball playing friends, who played at UCLA. One dropped out with a semester to go before his bachelors and one played professional beach volleyball. If you were 7′1″ you’d play pro ball too. The other one is 6′5″. Yesterday, I tried to stick to my new year’s declared routine, living most of my life in the morning hours and early to bed at 9:30pm. I went for a pre-dawn walk on the boardwalk at Hermosa Beach.

This house is just four blocks from the beach so it’s an easy walk through unique homes to the path filled with fitness lovers, friends, and dog walkers. It’s ideal for my love of people watching, as I meander among locals in the early hours of the day. Sunrise across the world often reveals a pink sky over here in the west. I’ll have to get down there for sunset this weekend.

My funds are near empty, and it’s taking a lot of mindful practice to quickly move my thoughts on from inner chatter of fear screaming at me. I know I’ll get paid in minimum one week, but I have bills needing to be paid. This is far too familiar to life as a 20-something, struggling pay check to paycheck. I should not have bills, except for phone (I pay my own and my son’s and it’s inflated out of hand) and health insurance, but I’m using my son’s car which he no longer wants due to the inconvenience and expense of owning a car in Los Angeles. So I’ve got to get a tire alignment and oil change. I need to change my bank to a local branch, get a driver’s license, register the car, but first pay one, two, three parking tickets! Gawd, the street cleaning days and times are a pain in the ass!!! The financial pressure is heavy right now, and those thoughts try and overtake my thinking during downtime, like driving or bedtime. I accept them and move on to something positive or brainstorm how to make more money. I use podcasts a lot during commutes to ease the mind and to learn. My favorite is Lewis Howes and his School of Greatness. I’ve learned so much from him and his fascinating guests. In Croatia, during the heart of my physical darkness, I was inspired to prioritize my mobility. I’d never thought of it on its own, and when I made it my number 1 priority in life, it ended up changing mine. I moved past the fear of hurting myself or pushing my body into positions it hasn’t recognized for years. I actually didn’t enjoy the guest who acted so conceited and had no warmth or personality, but his straight-shooting advice and insights about flexibility and importance to health were what I needed to hear and learn. I’ve only missed about five mornings of my 30 minute stretching with my flex bank in the last five months. It’s one of the first things I do in the morning and sets the tone for the day to fitness, health, movement, and happiness with myself. 

Okay, that’s it for today. I’m going to enjoy the sun for a few minutes with a meditation app and then prep for another day’s work at the office where we sit on the floor for board meetings and there is no strategic plan - I’ll see what I can do to help that! Cheers, Lori

[i-wander-and-wonder-and]

Lori and the Chocolate Factory

I was able to get an Uber driver to drive up into the hills to pick me up. He was a nice man in Zagreb for work to support his wife and young son back home (I can’t remember what country). My new apartment was in Zagreb just a five-minute walk to the major football stadium, how appropriate, but I’m sickened to report that I never made it to a match there.On one of my first nights in Zagreb, the national team played in a World Cup qualifier with massively intense crowd atmosphere, which I saw in photos later. I would have loved to experience that, though it looked quite dangerous - who cares!

Rain was dumping down, with the drops feeling like falling bullets as I raced into a nearby pub to get the key for my next apartment. My clothes were wet through to the skin as I hauled my purple suitcase, black #19 backpack (Dawson’s old soccer gear bag), a bag of groceries, and my over the shoulder travel purse up the five flights of stairs to my one bedroom home for the next couple weeks. I managed to get it for a steal of a price, I think it was $13/night due to the photos showing it as it was before a recent re-decorating - it looked like a young person’s messy cheap hangout pad. I read the entire description which mentioned the upgrades, so I took a chance because it was next to the fantastic and historic Maksimir Park, the oldest park in Zagreb founded in 1787. Wow, the forethought back then to preserve the lovely forest is remarkable. It was the first big park in Eastern Europe, predating many of the big parks well know in Europe these days. I visited when I was initially staying in the city and fell in love with it.

My risk on the place paid off as it was lovely, modern, and clean. Perfect. I took several nice photos for the owner for him to post on Air BnB and told him to charge more! He said he was just waiting on photos, so it was perfect. 

[i-wander-and-wonder-and]

Goodbyes, gifts, and gratitude

I'll never forget my time in the hills of Zagreb. My focus on my fitness has gotten stronger, my love for the outdoors renewed, and I got confirmation that I need relationships. Being far out of town, I started to run out of groceries and was down to plain yogurt, eggs, and peanut butter. I still am using an alarm every two hours to make sure I'm eating and drinking water. My mind can focus on how big I am, but I try and bring back the reality that it's only been over a month of working out. I can feel myself slowly shrinking and I definitely know my strength is coming back. I need to pay attention to those successes.

My host came to say goodbye, and we had a great talk with almost desperation to get to know each other even better. She brought my a large bottle of grape juice, a sachet of lavender, and a jar of jam. We hugged goodbye, and I'll always remember her friendship when I needed it the most.

[i-wander-and-wonder-and]

I got into a good groove at my apartment in the woods, and absolutely adore my host. The night after the dinner party, she brought her sister by for a quick introduction. That turned into an hour of conversation and song. They both sing in a choir, but more interesting is that they sing old, almost lost, traditional songs their beloved father used to sing. They are deep with emotion and controlled expression. The first song was of a woman waiting for her lover. They explained the lyrics ahead of time since they were in Bosnian. I got swept up in the beauty of the vocals and emotive gestures of the singer. It brought tears to my eyes. Another simple and lovely night, and I'm so grateful for having friendship in my life.

I will be leaving back to the city soon and already know I'll miss this place, the relationships, and off course the grapes.

[i-wander-and-wonder-and]

It really is just about dinner and conversation

I was able to refocus and get back into sort of a routine, doing my stretching exercises in the morning and then off for a walk around the neighborhood. It’s a perfect loop with steep inclines at both ends, so there’s no way I can avoid the strong finish. My day feels off if I don’t start the day off with a walk. I decided to put that 5-second rule to the test and used it to redirect myself when I noticed I was about to use habits I’m trying to shed, like getting on my phone. I read something about how elements of our phones are designed by the same people who design games. This made sense to me, in the feeling of waking up and needing to check my phone first thing to see if I had any notifications. Did I get any new emails other than the promotions and spam? Did anyone influential retweet me? Did my Instagram post bring in lots of hearts and followers? This was my realization that it is just like the feeling of winning a game, and I didn’t like the feeling of being so strongly led by manipulations and intentional planning of how I should react. I think it will be helpful in curbing my relationship with my Samsung. 

I’d been trying to escape the pressing knowledge that I don’t have a plan and that’s why I’m floundering and not accomplishing much. If I don’t know what I’m supposed to be doing, how can I possibly do it? Duh. Instead of looking on youtube for distraction, I looked up life planning. My reliable and brilliant favorite, Tony Robbins popped up with a video on his RPM method. I’ve seen it before a few times, and I always understand its value and plan to implement it. It’s never stuck, but I gave it the time anyway to watch it again. In short, it’s the opposite of to-do lists, where we write down random lists of tasks and goals we must accomplish. Tony’s method is centered around the ‘why’. Result - what do you want to happen. Purpose - ‘your why’. Why do you want that to happen? And then M - your Massive Action Plan (MAP). It’s simple but its strength as a tool lies in the purpose element. It’s much easier to take on a project when we know why we’re doing it. I imagine it being a fantastic help in mapping out how to accomplish something or to keep me going when I don’t want to do it. If the why is important enough to me, I’ll get it done. If I forget why and am just spinning, trying to accomplish massive amounts of unrelated chores and details, I’ll never finish and might not even begin. I spent a good part of the day using RPM and goal setting, trying to figure out my next steps after Croatia and England. I made exciting progress and nailed down what I really want next in life, and it brought me relief. 

Later in the evening, my friend/host knocked on my door. She said after my walk, yes I was going out for a second walk of the day, she’d come get me to show me how to make stuffed peppers. What a magical night! It confirmed something I had decided from my goal setting earlier in the day, about my want and need to be around people. They sat me down on the couch and served me a baked apple and fig sweet, it looked like phyllo dough and they were cut in rectangles - delicious. Two days ago, they made grape juice from their abundance of grapes growing along the walkway. They kept refilling my glass, and I ended up drinking about 6 glasses of grape juice. The antioxidant benefit was sky-high, but if you read earlier posts you’d remember I’ve been struggling with blood sugar issues. I didn’t get dizzy or feel too poorly but had to visit the toilet four times through the night for some gas and explosive trouble. TMI! We watched updates on Hurrican Irma, I asked to look at old photo albums and got to see the family’s young life in Yugoslavia. But for me, the night was all about the conversations and stories. I learned more about my hosts and got to meet three of their four grown children. I even got to talk soccer with their youngest son. The food was delicious - the stuffed peppers, a large bowl of fresh chopped tomatoes with bits of cheese, and rustic bread. It was the highlight of my trip - good food and great conversation. 

[i-wander-and-wonder-and]

All I managed to do was take a shower.

My friend did not knock on the door. She never visited. It was a cool and rainy day and night, so I understood why she didn’t come. I also understand that this is her life, she’s a working woman, wife, and mother to four grown kids. I cannot expect her to give me her time every evening. The morning started out a little off for me. I hadn’t slept well and was a bit tired. I got up and had two cups of tea and got on my phone. I could not get up and go do my stretching. I just sat at the table with my phone - escaping. It was chilly in my apartment, and after a shower, my wet hair had me really feeling cold and unmotivated. I was back on the phone after the shower. I was watching youtube and checking social media. I was looking for housesitting gigs and trying to decide if I should stay here in the hills longer or go back into town. Late afternoon, I finally did my mobility and ab work. It always makes me feel better. I put on a podcast of Lewis Howes and heard an author, Mel Robbins, discuss her book The 5 Second Rule. It’s a simple but effective mind trick that she accidentally invented. When a thought occurs to you that you should do something, say something, raise your hand, share a great idea, count down 5,4.3.2.1 and just do it. It triggers your brain to break from habits and to take action. I’m way oversimplfying this simple concept. She went into the science of why it works and I was fascinated. It didn’t help me on this day because I did not get outside and walk. I stayed inside all day, felt off, and disappeared into my cyber world. What a waste of time to make progress on my fitness and health, or figure out my business, or my life. Tomorrow. 5,4,3,2,1.

[i-wander-and-wonder-and]

We went further than I expected.

A month ago, I thought I was going to die and didn’t know how to walk. Tonight, I’m invited to hike in the woods. My host came down to my door in the early evening to go walking again. I was not going to miss the opportunity for human interaction, let alone with a wonderfully interesting person. We started with the neighborhood hill right out of the driveway and turned right onto a dirt trail. My hardened memories, lost somewhere in my brain, of the sensory overwhelm of hiking, of being in the woods started breaking free and coming back in full force. The smell of the decomposing forest in the sunshine is one of the finest scents of my life, and here I was experiencing it, again, after so long without. Chatting and hearing stories of youth in socialist Yugoslavia, and of her children playing games on this exact trail, make the discomfort of heavy breathing, pulling muscles in the quads, and pins and needles pain in the semi-dead foot, less prominent in my thoughts.  I was traversing uneven ground and rocks, I was going uphill and then downhill, and I was doing it. Simply doing it. I want to break it down like that into its simplicity. Because lying depressed on the couch in Alaska, barely able to stand and do dishes or shop for groceries, walking in the woods certainly didn’t seem simple. It seemed so difficult and complex that I rarely thought about it - ever. It was a big part of my life 20 years ago, and I let it slip away over fear of bears and hate of mosquitoes. Here I was participating in the enveloping energy and calmness of walking among trees. 

We went further than I expected, but I just paused when I needed and my host would pause too. She led me to the top of this hill we were on. I had no idea I had just hiked to the top of a hill! I felt like an Olympian! There was a view of the city of Zagreb and a distant view of a neighboring village. I told her that if I lived here I would bring a blanket and book to escape for an hour each day. She replied, “ I couldn’t find a blanket”, and I looked to see her pull out two seat cushions and a bowl of freshly picked plums. Delightful! We sat and talked like old friends and ate the sweet plums. The stories went too long and we had to hike back in the dark.  I felt proud and accomplished. Emotions I don’t pull out very often.