i-write-but-like-idk

[i-write-but-like-idk]

Tw, dreams, child, childhood, something I consider scary but you might not

Lately I've been dreaming about losing some person, it was someone's son I think. I was supposed to get him, he was supposed to be already an adult, but then I found him in my wardrobe. What I exactly found was only a part of his hand and fingers being stuck outside of the wardrobe, and when I touched the fingers without opening the wardrobe, a sound, as if out of a child toy, was making an electronic sound "mama" "mama" it was very scary.

Tf

[i-write-but-like-idk]

And he was happy...

Tw, happiness

One day, suddenly out of nowhere, his love for dance returned.

What the fuck is happening? So this is how it feels to be happy?

He had already forgotten how it feels to br happy.

Why was I scared so much of this?

On his way down the street, no thoughts about his exams in his mind, he spinned and sun was shining and everything was amazing!

I don't care what's gonna happen, I'm happyyyy aaaa

And he danced and danced and danced.

Life is so amazing!

When suddenly...

[i-write-but-like-idk]

Oh my god!

Laughed he, as all he really wanted to do was scream in pain, you could say, but there still was the slightest of happiness in it. And so, with Sailor song by Gigi Perez in ears, and a stuffed elephant in arms, he screamed along the lyrics of the song, quietly, no-one was supposed to hear his pain.

Why… fucking fuck. I get it now. This is pain. It was pain this whole time. That is my reasoning. 

The last of tears slowly sliding down his cheeks, but he wanted to do was smile, though in pain, he was glad to help someone, it was just the same as a year ago, when he helped anonymous strangers on the internet, the same warm, yet painful feeling inside of his chest.

[i-write-but-like-idk]

Tw, philosophy.

Maybe

Maybe if I’d never step out of that world

Maybe i would still be happy,

Maybe i’d still be normal.

Shut up.

Why?

You don’t deserve the happiness you have now, if you don’t appreciate the pain.

That doesn’t make sense…

Then say it again in your head. Two times. Ten times. Fifty times. Let this be the only thought on your mind,

And at some point, it will become whatever truth you already do have in that head of yours.

(pause)

You’re not making sense, dude.

What does?

wtf

(very slightly irritated look)

Just think about it.

Put it into the context of contrast.

Contrast? 

(look away)

Wait-

(The next day)

So? Do you finally get it?

(not eye contact, not happy voice)

Fuck off.

Hm, someone’s grumpy?

(looks at him, very clearly irritated)

You know what i said…

Okayyy, have a good day then.

Wait.

Why the fuck did you tell me the thing yesterday?

Because we were having a conversation and a part of a conversation is giving and receiving information, so i gave you information?

That was…unnecessarily complicated.

Like everything.

Like everything.

Sure sure.

(mouth open, mouth close)

Are you happy right now?

No.

Why? Should I be?

Just asking.

…

Ok

(mouth open to say something)

Jesus Christ!

I know what that was.

(black in front of eyes for a moment)

Oh whoa

(stumble)

What is it? You okay?

Yeah, don’t worry about it.

…okay…continue?

It was just another of your shitty life advices, right?

No life advice is shitty. They are just from different points of view.

Whatever.

[i-write-but-like-idk]

S.H.O.E.S.

Tw, poetry

I ran through the bottom

I ran through the grass

I never was happy

But you just closed your eyes

I walked on the path

I walked on the faces

They never saw

What a beauty that is

I tried changing paths

I tried walking lonely

Someone stil stared

And I felt sorry

Sorry for them

Not for myself

Why would I feel that

When I'm who I am

I'm such a rockstar

That's why they stare

Maybe I'm weird

They can't take off their glare

Maybe I'm stupid

And they're trying to teach

Or maybe I listen

When they have earplugs in

I'm trying to see here

Um excuse me?

Why should I walk

With my own feet?

I can wear shoes, boots, or flip-flops

But then I'd be strange

Or maybe not?

So I spin

Believing it'll help

But all I can see

Is your ugly stare

Fuck off

You strange unicorn

Why I only see

All that I am not?

[i-write-but-like-idk]

Tw, parents, abuse?, yelling, bad words

Parents left.

Finally

Sighed he as the main door of their small and old house closed with a very loud thud, and quickly ran into his room, unfortunately, though, the door of his room didn't close as did the main one.

What to do. What first! Oh my, im so glad theyre finally out of the house. Whos gonna shut me up now, huh!

He let out a satisfied breath.

Freedom.

And as he was about to put on his headphones and listen to music on the highest volume and shout the lyrics through the empty house, he saw his guitar lying there on the floor right beside his scary closet and a radio - he has a radio?! - his thoughts started running. He loves playing guitar! He loves creating music.

Oh, right. I should practice. Maybe ill even make it somewhere if ill keep making music, doing what i love.

So he quickly rolled off the bed, which was full of things like rubix cube or a fully blank book - yes, we all love them - and reached out to the guitar, not minding the mess around him as he pulled the guitar to himself.

Mwah! I love you.

He was lonely, indeed.

Soon, illl manage to play really well, and then people will maybe like my music.

He gave a last glance to corner where he kept things that stayed from his old hobbies - flute, VERY old dance shoes, a half eaten pencil, a needle, a violin, and a biology book.

I can do this.

Checked his fingers on the strings, and strummed the strings.

Oh, it works! Well, of course it hurts- i mean, works.

Music. He played guitar. Nevermind it sounded not that good. He still created music.

Fuck, this sounds terrible!

Soon, he got angry. Or, to clarify, frustrated. And so he played the guitar more aggressively.

This doesnt feel right.

But all the emotions. He had the chance. His parents werent home. He could scream however he wanted,

And no-one would hear…

I should stop. But i dont want to. I won't.

He started singing lyrics. Lyrics coming suddenly into his mind, they didnt match the melody of the guitar. But he created music, he did what he loves.

It sounds terrible. My ears hurt. It hurts so much. But it's better than everything else in my life.

His father bursted into his room. Angry. More than angry. Something i cant explain with words - since my vocabulary lacks - something worse than anger, though still predictable at last. “What the fuck” he yelled.

Oh shit

His father grabbed the guitar out of his hands with unnecessary amount of strength, and walked out of his son’s room.

Am i the only one who even sees the flames around him? Heh, funny.

It wasn't funny. He still laughed. WHat a pitiful child. Or strong? WHeres the difference anyway! No-one gives a fuck about him.

Sigh, so another day of not becoming a star.

He waited quietly, listening to his father’s footsteps. Then, when he was sure he left-

At least he didnt yell at me more, right? Im just being optimistic, jeez…

Then, when he was sure his father left the house, he weakly got up from the floor, and looked around, his eyes tired suddenly.

Shit, i hate this. This place is so fucking- fucked up! Just a few years more. Soon. Soon, ill runaway, and NEVER, never come back.

I dont need a fucking guitar to make music. I can…

He looked around his room again.

SHit!!

He “said very loudly”.

Fuck it.

He opened his window and jumped out of it, hoping his grey, black, and dirty hoodie wont get stuck in the frame.

It didnt!

It didnt.

Yay.

He then forgot he has to place his feet on the ground before rolling off the window frame, and fell into the grass, his face, unfortunately, enjoying the odor of the grass.

Sigh …. Wait! What if someone pissed on it. Fuck! Shit!

He jumped up on his feet.

Ew. And they say there is no reason to not go out “iNtO nATuRe”, ugh

Ah, same old clown. Clown. He continued walking away from the house, soon getting to a path and walking on it. It was calm. So calm.

Hm, a song would sound really good in this quiet place. Its sos boring here, after all.

He started singing. Forgetting about everything and everyone else. All that was left, was he, his words, and the melody he chose.

I do have a voice.

And his father can't keep him quiet forever.

[i-write-but-like-idk]

Tw, parents, abuse, alcohol

Maybe if ill keep my eyes shut the whole world will disappear.

He knew its not true, however he still gave it yet another try.

This thing, which people say, that the world will disappear if ill close my eyes doesnt really make sense actually, or it is rather unclarified. How do i know if the world did disappear, and what if i still hear it? Does it mean that the world does not exist while the sounds do? How would that be even possible?

I hope I remember this method how my teacher taught me…

Five things i can see…well, none, since i have my eyes closed, should i open them to do this step too? I could, of course, of course i could, but i dont think i want to. I wont.

Four things i can touch, or feel physically. My fingers, one. My nails, tw- wait do i actually feel them? Or does it not count when im not really touching them, i just kind of feel them on my fingers, um, i dont have anything else right now, so lets just count it. Oh, right thats two.

Three things i can hear. Hah! This is easy! …i just forgot to finish the fourth one, didnt i? Okay ill finish that first then.

I think i already said two things, so now just another two. Yeah, math! I can feel, oh oh! I can feel my clothes! And probably the floor, though i feel it over my pants,

He leaned his hand on the floor next to him.

Okay, nevermind, i now feel it by my hand. Yay. Fourth one finished!

Now three things i can hear- Oh, that reminds me my parents are a bit too loud, maybe i should go back to covering my ears as much as i can again. But then i wont have a hand on the floor and so i will have to do the fourth thing again. I dont wanna do that. It wasnt fun. Theyre loud, tho… I will just somehow survive it.

Three things i can hear. My mom yelling- oh a vase breaking against floor, no, wait i dont hear it anymore, does it count? Shit, this game is such bullshit.

He got up swiftly, opened his eyes, not giving even one glance in his parents’ direction, and walked off into his room.

Shit, my dad’s following me. Of course, he is! Why wouldnt he be. Its always him letting out his anger on me.

He shut his door with a very loud sound of the door closing against its frame, and as he knew this will happen - as always, after all - all he did was taking his bag, ready for a runaway, and, though he also had to open the window which wasnt really much of a problem - its just a window, pal! - he jumped out of it, right on ground under it, and continued running away, his father's shoe flying after him.

And as i walked, i walked, i walked, and walked.

Wow, im such a poet.

He walked through the glowing streets of his neighborhood.

I grew up in here, it's still the same. A house, a house, a house, a shop where i buy food.

He wondered through the city's streets without fear, strangers arent scary when you have a knife in your pocket and a father who hits you whenever he wants to at home. Though, the night could be a bit calmer, eyes hurt from these lights and all the people around arent ideal either.

A park where i got high once, heh, we call it no man's land, 'cause the city police and these other dumbasses can try to oust the drunkies however they want, but they will always come back eventually. Hm, I understand why they'd want to sleep on the bench there, looks pretty fancy.

He laughed to himself, while admiring the bench in the park, the only park in the city, with eyes glowing, probably from all the LED lights around him. Looking on both sides, not for cars, for someone whod want to take the bench he found for himself..

Yes, its mine. I have the greatest power of all!

He was almost there, when a big, seemingly very drunk guy, in a grey or green coat showed up in his face. With a deep, ignorant voice the man barked out one “No!” and everyone in the park quickly knew the bench is already occupied, with a price of punch in the stomach, or face, or even death, simply there was no way someone could get it.

fuck

Thoughts running through his mind, he quickly ran away, deeper into the park. Though, the moment in his mind got more blurred with every second, the man¨s voice and smell longed in his ears and noce. Ew.

fuck

His thought train from before was long lost and without a trace. The only part staying. His father. His yelling, fucked up father. What will happen once he¨ll come back tomorrow.

I dont want to.

He didnt want to.

I wont.

So this is a full blown runaway, huh.

[i-write-but-like-idk]

Tw, suicide

I know why they give us grades

I understand It

But

Why am I crying then

I failed one subject,

On the card there is not graded

A big thick text

Did I not try hard enough? It was only one subject, I did my best. If even after doing my best I still failed, does it mean I am not enough?

Maybe I'll never be

But I know all this,

I should stop crying then.

I can't

Why did I start crying in the first place?

Oh, I know.

Hm?

It's Poe's fault, they did it. That oversensitive dumb child.

Yea, it was their fault.

And in the end, it's always their fault,

When we cry, people think we're childish and dumb and

Too sensitive.

We're only annoying them.

Maybe

Maybe if we died they'd be happier.

All of them would.

Another

Part of their life would be easier.

So the voice was right, when she told me to kill myself.

I don't want to.

Somehow

Somewhere deep inside myself,

I don't want to kill myself.

I know it won't really help them.

It could though.

No, it couldn't.

| the board for this:

Con

Xen

Luna - Nova

Poe |

[i-write-but-like-idk]

Xen explanation.

Xen is someone who will not make sense.

They like to be good in grammar.

And apparently have a good enough self-esteem, so they won't apologise for things that do not make the first case sense to them.

They like to write. But as everyone else need motivation.

They do not usually feel romantic love.

They calculate.

They tend to stay quiet when they don't have anything to say.

They like to stay calm. And in a calm conversation.

Their name is still and still not finished.

They often stay on the side of logic or the statement "nothing makes sense, why should i".

They do not speak with a tone.

They don't get angry.

They do not rate things dependant on society's perspective. Their view is only theirs and they do not care if what they say is wrong, for as long as they themselves believe it.

[i-write-but-like-idk]

Characters stuff

Poe:

Dumb person.

They love Yun and would do anything for them.

Literally anything.

They fail classes because they don't know how to care enough.

They doubt that Yun loves them.

They think everyone secretly hates them.

[i-write-but-like-idk]

Sometimes I wonder what is the thing in the mirror.

I was bored lol

[i-write-but-like-idk]

Tw, parents.

Poe:

My mother sometimes talks about people from work with my father.

She sounds angry.

It's kinda

Funny.

I always hear how angry she is from my room

and that the person she is angry at is almost always a female.

But I never hear the name.

My brain likes to do a thing.

It's quite funny.

My brain likes to make me think that I hear voices.

When I hear my mom talking angry about that person, I always hear my name.

As if

She was talking about me.

It

Hurts.

I'm a failure after all.

[i-write-but-like-idk]

Tw, school, grades.

Yun:

Poe isn't dumb. I know she isn't

But school is still such a problem for her.

I want to help her. I want to be here for her.

It hurts me to see her in so much pain.

Poe:

I'm dumb. I'm dumb. I'm dumb.

I need to

Stoo telling Yun about my problems.

They have to live their own life.

They are so amazing, and smart, and have a real chance to success.

I can't ruin it for them.

But

I don't want to break up with them.

I just want them to be happy

And I'm sure they won't have good future with someone like me..

Yun:

I don't want to ever leave Poe.

I love them.

[i-write-but-like-idk]

Tw, sui, bad thoughs, sh, self hate, just stuff idk.

Poe:

He is honest with himself, why can't you be?

He's on drugs!

The what does drugs do to you that life doesn't?

Bro

No, shut up

You shut up

Go die

Bleh bleh lbeh bless blelelelelel

Mamblagadalapapa

You're annoying

Give me a cigarette and I will smoke

And now you're gross

No, you are gross. Yeah, maybe I cut myself, maybe I make myself throw up, maybe I hurt my own body and call it social experiment, but AT LEAST IM NOT A FUCKING HYPOCRITE.

Oh, but you are. Look at yourself. You're just as pathetic as is everyone else.

Go die.

No, no, no. Cause you're not telling this to me, you are telling this to yourself. You're so so pathetic.

Shut up

You just know I'm right.

You're not. You're not. I'm cool everyone else is dumb. I'm cool. I'm cool. I hate myself. I wanna die. But that. Does. Not. Prove that you're anyhow right.

[i-write-but-like-idk]

Tw, crisis, love.

Poe:

Why do I love people.

I just

Love them.

And then I don't.

And can't.

I feel like a monster,

Because I give people the hope that I love them and would sacrifice my whole life for them

And then I fail them

And disappoint.

[i-write-but-like-idk]

Tw, gender, pronouns, thing.

Oh and if your name is Anne, it's not personal.

Poe:

I'm not

I'm not a girl.

I'm not she.

I'm not she.

"Then why do you let people call you she?"

THeN wHy dO YoU LEt PeOPle CaLL yOu sHE?

Blah blah blah

What's your name again?

Oh, right, Anne, you say?

Well, ANNE it's the same as when people say your name wrongly and you have to tell them how it's right.

I'm sure someone called you Anna at some point in your life.

And then imagine, having to correct them on your daily basis. Everytime it's the same:

"She's not listening, it's okay if we talk about her."

BULLSHIT BRO, I HEAR YOUR EVERY DAMN WORD

And I don't give a fuck if you talk about me behind my back, fuck you, but stop the fuck calling me she/her.

So

Dear Anne

Now you see,

It's easier.

It's easier to just ignore it, to not listen, then to correct them everytime they say it wrongly.

Because they won't stop. They will say it again and again and again.

People don't care.

So why should I?

[i-write-but-like-idk]

Tw, love.

Poe:

When I found my love

I thought it must mean I am capable of loving.

It didn't.

It just didn't.

Yun:

I love her.

I love Poe. So much.

Poe:

I feel so numb without Yun around.

It's as if tge time without them is meaningless.

Nothing.

I love Yun.

But I can't make myself really care

Care?

They are not the middle of my universe.

I know they can't be.

Even liek this they are too close to it.