iguessyouwonderwhereivebeen

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eating laduree macaroons on the reformation couch in soho while my cousin tries on graduation dresses, being a modern girl living in a modern world is suiting me just fine today

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is two double espresso, chilled in a mason jar, with honey, milk and ice enough caffeine? If I have a third will I explode?

I keep having strange dreams. I keep trying to document them as soon as I wake up but it’s shocking how quickly the threads of the unconscious get whisked away by reality. Sex in a bathroom stall, a murderer in the garage or my parents home, a doctors beautiful house in the hamptons, a little girl trapped in a neighboring apartment, etc.

I’ve been spiraling about my weight. About being an ever changing being. About myself facing myself. Scrutinizing my habits. How can I be a fully realized adult woman? With a 9-5, and rent, and a mortgage, and two cats, and a significant relationship, and friends, and a social life, and a creative practice, and a work out routine, incorporating cardio and yoga and strength training, and still maintain beauty, and sanity, and happiness??

Well I’ve never been thin, but I’ve definitely been wildly happy. At least I have without doubt experienced moments of pure, intense, clarifying joy. I can still change, fine tune myself. To be better, more aware of my needs, healthier and more balanced.

I’ve started intentionally sitting down with myself. Myself sitting on one side of the table with a cup of coffee, with myself on the other side of the table sipping a glass of wine or sparkling water or smoking a joint. I’ve been trying to look myself in the eyes.

I’ve been doing morning pages, as part of a creative writing class I started three weeks ago. Maybe I’ll intentionally start reading The Artist Way too. Maybe I’ll finish the other book I’m reading. Maybe I’ll delete instagram.

Breakfast this morning was big. Two hard boiled eggs, half a cucumber, half a small avocado, a cup of plain Greek yogurt, some blueberries and granola. I feel satisfied for the first time in days. I made chicken soup last night for my cousins arrival later today. I’ll finish work and finish cleaning and get a bottle of wine and make a salad before she gets here later. We’ll go to a Broadway show tomorrow and the beach on Sunday. I’m taking off work Monday and Tuesday, we’ll go to some museums and Pilates classes together, it’ll be healing.

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hanging out with my sisters cat, listening to her records and eating the cookies she made <333

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There is a vitality, a life force, a quickening that is translated through you into action, and there is only one of you in all time, this expression is unique, and if you block it, it will never exist through any other medium; and be lost. The world will not have it. It is not your business to determine how good it is, not how it compares with other expression. It is your business to keep it yours clearly and directly, to keep the channel open. You do not even have to believe in yourself or your work. You have to keep open and aware directly to the urges that motivate you. Keep the channel open. No artist is pleased. There is no satisfaction whatever at any time. There is only a queer, divine dissatisfaction, a blessed unrest that keeps us marching and makes us more alive than the others.

Martha Graham, The Life and Work of Martha Graham (1991) by Agnes de Mille

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plum cake!

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A Room in Queensland - Kerri Kerley , 2024.

Australian b. ?

Oil on board , 32.5 x 32.5 cm.

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Basket of Graphes, Quinces and Pears (1885) by Claude Monet

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Bariera (Jerzy Skolimowski, 1966)

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sometimes you gotta have a little dark chocolate ice cream in the middle of the night

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Alfred Stieglitz

GEORGIA O'KEEFFE (HANDS)