ihavea-lottosay-blog

[ihavea-lottosay-blog]

I have a lot to say. Things i need to get off my chest, just talk about, and somethings that are just me being critical of other people. This blog is going to have a lot of spelling, grammar, and life mistakes so bare with me if you read it and dont expect me to post everyday. I’m literally talking to this thing like its a person and no one follows it so thats a good start! Oh well, crazy is also included. Heres the shit ill start off with...

I am 20 years old turning 21 soon (woo!) a college art student and  a photographer. Basic shit, almost looks like a tinder bio i know. I guess the first big life event that comes to mind with me is dating the wrong guy. I know i couldnt be more boring or cliche but its really whats got me fucked up and this wont be the only story you hear about him. I spent 2 years with this kid in high school and half my freshman year in college. He is the exact manipulative, phsycho, cheating boyfriend every main character has. His name is Manny. Now thankfully an ex but there was a time i thought forever was possible; not sure why though, he wasn’t attractive or smart, and although he was kind and funny sometimes he quickly killed it with something he did wrong. Example: He was my best friend for years and it took me 3 weeks into us dating to figure out i was in love with him, that same night his ex told me he cheated on me with her. case. in point. Now he did have those shining heroic moments that made me feel like he was just misunderstood. Onetime our friend screwed us out of a place to sleep at a music festival and my sister and i were trapped outside a nearby church in the rain in the middle of nowhere with both our phones dying. He insisted he would come pick us up and bring us home. But overall he’s a down right douche that fucked up my ways of thinking. Its been 2 years since we’ve been broken up (i broke up with him cause i found out he had an entire relationship with his ex and me at the same time, yeah she knew about it and didnt care,  all while still banging sluts behind both of our backs) and he stalked me for a year and a half of the break up. He harassed me online mostly but a couple months ago he showed up drunk to my apartment at school which ive never given him the address to (he got it from a friend that knows my scummy roommate) and yelled at me how much he loves me and all this other shit that i honestly laughed at. I now have a restraining order against him so i doubt any other stories i tell about him are going to be recent unless i heard something from someone else but all the past stories i will probably tell have to do with my current feelings. 

In this case I can honestly say Manny fucked up the idea of love for me. He was my first real boyfriend, first love, and first time. I dont know if its possible to have a love like your first again but i hope i dont and do all at the same time. I hope i can love someone as deeply as i loved him but i hope i dont loose myself or my self respect for love. i hope i find at least some kind of love out there again. ive dated a little before him and had one boyfriend after that i honestly dated out of loneliness and because he was the exact opposite of manny. But i’ve never even liked any of my boyfriends that much they were just there. I pretty much became a whore after him. I fucked 17 guys in 2 years of being single. This one guy this summer though made me start to think that its possible to fall in love again. Doug and i went to our friends lake house together. I guess the first night i got so drunk i forgot but i was told we were making out in front of everyone. we grew closer that trip and the second time we went north to the lake house its almost like we were in a mini relationship up there. We were always together, cuddling on the couch or sitting next to each other, and sneaking off to make out. We became the butt of the joke for the trip cause our friends teased us about dating. After we came home things were so different. I was traveling a lot so seeing each other was impossible but we always snuck the word date into conversation. But i guess his friends weirded him out about our 5 year age difference and he heard rumors about me that werent true and felt weird about getting attached cause i’d be heading back to school soon (i live 2 hours away). But finally we found a day to play frisbee golf together (he plays a lot and i never had so he wanted to take me) and he was distant and weird so i got the hint about being just friends.  But then after that he kept snapping me and texting me first and then we were gonna hang out another day and he pretty much treated me like a booty call so newly entitled me decided to rip him apart for treating me like that. I regret some of it cause i was drunk and i just wanted him to like me but  fucked it up for good after that. 

Pretty much i dont know if ill find someone soon, or close, its not that i wont find someone because i can (not to sound conceded) i think im attractive and i could lower my standards a bunch to just be with someone but i’ve done that in every relationship ive had. I’ve always dated down in appearance, personality, education, etc. I dont want to anymore. I want to find someone im at level with and obsessed with and everything i deserve after the mountains of crap ive shoveled through. I’m lonely but i dont want just anyone anymore.

I told you i have a lot to say.