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Broken

You can break my heart over and over again. But I still believe in love. You can never break that from me because I can still feel it strong inside my heart. But I know that talk is dirt cheap and anyone can say anything any time without a hint of truth or sincerity. Everyone can lie, everybody exaggerates. In fact, I also do but never to you. I meant every word I said about you, about my love, about us. Nothing changed. It hurts because I still love you the same even if you shook my world and left me shaking and confused. Lost. Hurt. Of all people, it was you. I love you but this is the last post from me. I was starting to find my love for writing again but now I hate it even more because I saw once again how fake and phony words can be. I really enjoyed sharing my thoughts, my dreams and giving you a glimpse and idea of how much I really, truly, madly love you because you have no clue. But reality crashed down really hard and I am struggling to find a reason to smile and be happy, a reason to open myself and bare my heart to the world because I always end up getting fucked up and hurt every fucking single time that I try.

This heartfelt blog, this tiny sample of how much you mean to me must stop for now. But know that every post is sincere, every word carefully chosen, every emotion very raw and real. Love, or at least my love, can never be fully captured with words, can never be fully painted with pictures, can never be fully heard with songs and sweet-nothings like “i-love-yous” or “i-will-die-without-you” or “i-will-say-whatever-the-fuck-i-want-because-you-will-still-believe-and-love-me-anyway-you-poor-little-fucker-hahaha.”

Without a hint of pride or arrogance, my love is too great for words. It can never be weighed or measured with cheap talk and empty words. It must be felt and I know for sure that you will feel it for as long as you live. Because I will never stop loving you even if it hurts so much, even if you break my heart over and over again, even if I am struggling with doubts if you ever really loved me the way that I do, the only way I know, the way I thought we should.

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Green and Mean

I am a jerk. You’re better than that and I am truly sorry for offending you and insinuating that you would destroy our world with selfish reasons. You are so much more than that and I am sorry for not trusting you, love. I trust you. Maybe I should trust you even more, if that’s even possible because I already lay my life in your hands. Still, I am blind and mad with jealousy. Of the people who get to see you each day. You are mine and all these other boys better walk or get chalked. Yeah, I am a jealous guy. 

There. I said it. Wipe that big grin of your face. Green and mean with jealousy. Though not just of people But also of the daily magic and life’s little wonders that mesmerize your day.

I want to be the morning sun come dawn touching your face and making your eyes sparkle. I’ll be that elusive, cool summer breeze fanning the flames of your heat before giving your relief. And I am that one massive, shooting star. piercing even the eternal darkness of your night. For you are my Lagertha, my Aslaug, my Odin and my Christ. For you I bleed, For you, I live.

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Say goodnight to the bad guy. Oh, and choose wisely.

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I don’t need me. I need you.

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And that is why you are my silly, little cat. And I am forever your monkey man.

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I remember last summer Our bodies slamming against each other Like the waves crashing on the shore Never ending. Twisting. Turning. And your amazing mouth begging. For more. And more. And more.

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Still waiting. Still loving. Still yours.

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And I always forget. That is why I get hurt. Get a grip, dude. Suck it up and learn.

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It doesn't hurt as much when I am asleep. I can’t think. I can’t feel. There is nothing. And then I wake up. And all the hurt and pain come flooding back in.

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That’s why I stay awake. Until my body shuts down. And forces me to sleep.

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You are my Letty. All day Everyday.

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She had a face straight outta magazine. God only knows but you'll never leave her. Her balaclava is starting to chafe, And when she gets his gun he's begging, "Babe, stay. Stay. Stay. Stay. Stay. 

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Hey you. You know who you are, person. I love you more than…   

... The Last of Us. Even though it is hands down the best game in the history of video games, it is so much more than that. It reminded me that they can take all the earthly possessions and material wealth that I have. But I am still the happiest and most blessed man on earth as long as I have you. You are the reason why I fight, why I live and why I look forward to the future. You are my North Star, my guiding light, my one and only corazon.

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"Intimacy is not who you let touch your genitalia. Intimacy is who you text at 3am about your dreams and fears. Intimacy is giving someone your attention, when ten other people are asking for it. Intimacy is the person always in the back of your mind, no matter how distracted you are."

Daisy Mae Darling

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I will wait for you...

I'll be bold As well as strong And use my head alongside my heart So tame my flesh And fix my eyes A tethered mind freed from the lies And I'll kneel down, Wait for now

I'll kneel down, Know my ground 'Cause I will wait, I will wait for you And I will wait, I will wait for you And I will wait, I will wait for you And I will wait, I will wait for you

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She destroys people so fast that the whole fight can be squeezed into a single Instagram post. Beast.

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Damn. Now that's how you write a love letter.

1897 Mayo 1

Mahal kong Oryang,

Mali ka. Hindi kita nakasalubong upang sa dulo ng kalsada, ako ay liliko sa kanan at ikaw sa kaliwa. Sapagkat saan man tayo dalhin ng ating pakikibaka, ikaw lang ang aking itatangi at makailang ulit na ihaharap sa pulang bandila. Hindi tayo nagpalitan ng mga kwento upang sa pinakahuling tuldok ng pangungusap, ang karugtong ay alingawngaw ng katahimikan. Walang pagod kitang aawitan ng imnong pambayan, Oryang. Hindi kailanman ako mauubusan ng salita upang maialay sa iyo bilang mga tula. Maging ang bulong at buntung-hininga’y magpapahayag ng pagsinta sa tulad mong umiibig din sa bansa. Hindi tayo sabay na tumawa, nagkatinginan, at tumawa pa nang mas malakas, upang sa paghupa ng halakhak ay may butil ng luha na mamimintana sa ating mga mata. Loobin man ng Maykapal na pansamantala tayong magkawalay, tandaan mong ang halakhak at sigaw ng ating mga kasamahan ay sa akin rin. Hindi ka dapat masabik sa akin sapagkat ako’y mananatili sa iyong piling. Hindi kita niyakap nang ilang ulit upang sa pagkalas ng mga braso ko sayo ay maramdaman mong iniiwan kita. Habambuhay akong magiging tapat sa ating panata, Oryang. Kapara ng binitawan kong sumpa sa ngalan ng bayan, tayo’y mananatiling katipun, kawal, at bayani ng ating pagmamahalan. Hindi tayo bumuo ng mga alaala sa umaga, tanghali at gabi upang sa muli mong paggising ay maisip mong hindi tayo nagkasama sa pakikidigma. Hindi ko man hawak ang bukas, nais kong tanganan mo ang aking pangako na ilang ulit kong pipiliing mabuhay at pumanaw upang patunayan sa iyong mali ka. At kung magkataong ako’y paharapin sa ating anak na si Andres, buo ang loob kong haharap sa kanya at sasabihin ko sa kanyang mali ka. Hindi ako bumati sa simula upang sa huli ay magpaalam.

Ikaw ang aking bayan, Andres (Ibinigay ni Julio Nakpil ang liham na ito kay Gregoria de Jesus ilang gabi makalipas ang pagpaslang kay Gat Andres sa Maragondon) "A true warrior bares his heart the way he bares his sharp steel: fearless, hopeful, with reckless abandon and hearts aflame, ready to live and die for the woman he loves" -Monkeyman, March 2015