inconsideratekidney

[inconsideratekidney]

8/26/25

friends and foes, what is it to be a friend? how do you know you're friends with someone?

what on earth are we all doing on this earth if not to connect with one another. we enjoy each other's company don't we? so why don't we spend our time making each other happy instead of judging and deciding who's cool enough for our time.

you can read this if you really wanna know my life and how i feel.

otherwise do whatever tf you want. i don't need to know.

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i have many many acquaintances. i know many people. i've had friends over the years like any other person has. but one thing that i haven't had is the understanding of why people are friends. sure you have a common shared interest with some people, or you were at the same place at the same time, or you live together with someone. but what about the real reasons most people become friends? because you need a thing, because you have a bunch of questions, because you don't know how to say no.

so many people don't say no to me. so many people lead me on and pretend we're friends when they see me in public, or don't, and wave hi, but that's it. if i ever text them they don't respond, or if we really had a chat it would be easier for them to say they have to go than to continue having a conversation with me.

is there something written on my forehead that says "don't talk to this girl, she is annoying and will piss you off all of the time" or something? does it say "leave her alone, she doesn't deserve your time, she's weird and doesn't deserve to have any more friends in her life"?

because you wouldn't want that sign on your forehead, would you? you wouldn't like it if you felt like no one had your back, or no one checked in on you, or if no one asked you to hangout, would you? you would crumble if no one laughed at your jokes and sent you memes or asked for your opinion and asked how your day was. it would hurt. it would hurt a lot.

now imagine that on a regular basis, most days feeling like crap where everyone you text doesn't text back or doesn't respond for days. someone that says they're too busy to hangout but you see chatting with a friend in the hallway at school the next day. what if you tried really hard to be funny and cool and the person you were talking to starts to look away and smile at someone else, drops the conversation with you and happily chats with that person where they don't seem uncomfortable anymore. what if it was late at night and you reached out to your best friend about the worst possible scenario you could be in and they're busy all night. so busy you actually get scared no one would be there for you if something happened to you.

how would you feel?

what if you experienced this for years, for your whole life since realizing your existence at a very young age?

feeling that your existence is just a nuisance to others and isn't worthy of their time.

just like you're a human being and can't be bothered to make time for me, i'm also a human being that's silently trembling and crumbling down because you've ignored me again after i came up with a witty joke that i actually found funny instead of the regular bullshit i make up to make you laugh.

i'm not weird. i'm not odd. i'm not not a human being. i'm a regular person who likes to tell jokes, chat with people, make connections with others, and be happy. i'm tired of being rejected for who i'm pretending to be or for who i actually am. i want real friends and that's the truth. i'm tired of being alone and telling myself i'm okay, i prefer being a lone wolf! no tf i don't. i shouldn't be forced to be okay with being alone so much of the time. what happened to the friends i have? there is no way everyone i know is simultaneously busy and also can't name a time they're available. no, it's just that people don't want to spend their time with me.

i'm not taking shit anymore from those who disrespect me. i'm on a mission to find people who actually like me and find me interesting. but for some reason that's really rare. very uncommon amongst those who find me bothersome and needy. i'm just a regular person with regular needs like you. it's not fair that you're up on a pedestal enjoying yourself when you're putting me down at the same time. goodbye to you and hello to my new future. i hope you're happy bc i'm not going to be around to people please you any longer.

-kD

[inconsideratekidney]

8/19/25

today was hard. goldfish and great music made it feel better.

i wish they made medication for adhd, i mean autism, i mean me.... i get too overstimulated and tired of looking at people and a headache does not help. i just want to be alone and at peace. but then i start thinking and talking and rahhhh it just happens all over again. i need my loop earplugs to come in the mail pronto bc i need some peace and quiet and i literally need to hear static and nothingness to recalibrate my brain for several business years.

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i miss being a kid with skinny arms and legs, no worry about hair anywhere on my body, and a damn love for girl scout cookies. i wish i was 8 years old again.

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today was hard because i had to think about things that make me feel uncomfortable. i cleaned my room a bunch but still felt unsatisfied. i literally did so much i have accidental before and after pics and i really did do a lot1!! i dont give myself any credit, but bc i didnt finish it it feels like i did nothing.

i also keep seeing couples and friend groups. i wish someone would come to watch me interpret and do my thing. i wish someone would text me needing to hangout or needing to call. but where are my random texts from friends stating their loneliness and boredom? they aren't lonely, they have other friends. and so do i, but those friends also dont text me. i text people first and maybe they respond, a couple weeks later i text them first again, then a month later i text them first again. they still never text me first. no real responses. just short responses that are uninterested and vague. people act like they are celebrities sometimes. just give me a call or text me a stupid meme out of the blue. believe me anyone who texts me a funny meme could just be my best friend bc of how dry my inbox is.

my text message chains are only updated when i text someone (ignoring my mom who texts me all the time). i swear if i didnt use my messaging app or just unactivated my sim card and reactivated it a week later, my parents would have called the police and they would be at my house in 2 days, but otherwise it would be drier than the US during the dust bowl. no sign of life, no sign of anything. hell even random scam numbers text me more than my own friends. they always be hitting me up and i ignore them. why dont i give them a chance? is this how others see me? someone who they would prefer to block, but don't out of politeness and because i'm not actually a bot and they know i have feelings so they don't block me, but leave me in this never-ending cycle of insecurity and regret for ever interacting with them?

no? just me? ok..

that got deep, but anyway today was hard and i def need better sleep tonight and for the next few business nights.

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i miss the city. i miss working there and the idea of being in such a large place making an impact on the world. i also miss being close to good memories and the places where i used to be happy. i would love to go back to those times, but time is marching on forward and i need to get on the ferry away from that place.

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instagram reels are getting crazy....wtf is going on. they are pinpointing me and also annoying as hell. too specific and also too many people yapping. yapping used to be new and cool, now everyone pls stfu.

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ok bye eep epeepeppepep eep epepe pepepepepepepeppepep eepp

kD :zzzzzzz

[inconsideratekidney]

8/12/25

ahh we are so back. shitty wifi, shitty mattress, shitty service. i must be back at school.

i like it here, though. we have 3 floors, our own kitchen and living room, our own bedroom might I add, and access to a pool & gym! what could be better.

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my room is almost set up (i am far off), i just have to move the furniture, put my clothes away, and vacuum! not too bad...although i've been vacuuming all day yesterday and today... whatevs, i love moving into a new space and making it mine.

related: i love interior designing, it is so me. i love looking at a space and thinking about my aesthetic and how i want things to look. i am so happy decorating and placing furniture. i don't know a lot about it but i think i'd totally believe in feng shui if it wasn't so rigid. i know that's the point, but i do believe that the way you set up your room affects you. it's psychological but also just plain environmental of course. if you are facing a mirror in your bed that's weird, if you place things too close to one another it feels claustrophobic. i would say though, that i do have to place things in a certain way to record videos for my literal work. it's kinda hard to follow all of the rules when it applies to my job. oh shwell. i'll take it with a grain of salt.

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my boss occasionally ignores my messages asking for clarification as if i am too frivolous to deal with. i wish i could get through to her. this is the second boss that my intern colleague gets through to so easily. they both act like i'm not even there. at least when i type something. i'm included when work needs to be done or when i ask her for more work then she perks up. but she doesn't answer all of my questions. she answers the other intern but not me. what the flip? i'm trying to understand correctly so I do things properly, but she acts like i ask dumb questions. they're literally questions that pertain to "what am i supposed to do" type shi T-T

she can't expect me to get efficient and accurate work done without instructions???? whatever...

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weather is so hot and campus is mostly dead, people are slowly trickling in, but my friends aren't here or they aren't free :,(

time is going slow, but fast. the days are long, but the week is short. like it's tuesday!

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i start real work on thursday, but we got some prepping to do today and tomorrow...i am so nervous. i hope i'm good at interpreting. *fingers crossed*

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i love flowers and leaves and sticks and rocks. they're so freakin cool. i love nature and all of her little children. flowers are beautiful even when they're closed up at night, wilting, and completely disintegrated. when they drop pollen on the window sill, when they shift ever so slightly in water, when they sit there pretty for anyone to look at. i'd still love to be a butterfly and fly over some beautiful wild flower fields. i want to run through flower fields, but also don't want to damage them. i want to run through a maze that is designed for you to walk through and be amongst the flowers. that seems so ideal.

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alrightie i have to get back to work i suppose....

have a great day y'all!

kD :o

[inconsideratekidney]

sadpost i guess // august 3rd, 2025:

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I'm so tired of everyone. everyones so loud, so much noise, so many visual things. everyone doesnt make sense to me and i cant convince anyone of my perspecrive. my parents and i argue often and its probably due to something simple every time but i just dont know what.

people are so confusing and annoying. they dont understand me. i dont know if i am searching for friends or just for empathy. i just want some kind of affirmative reaction from those around me. i want empathy and a little pity.

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im so tired of living. every day wake up brush my teeth shower get dressed go to work go to school or do nothing ever until noon then i decide to eat then i do more work or school or nothing until about 4 pm when i get home from school or 6pm for work or when im doing nothing i decide to do more nothingness. its just so depressing every day. its so exhausting and almost worthless. idk what the point of anything is. im bored, im sad, im tired, im lonely, im frustrated, im upset, and im occassionally laughing at something funny on the internet. my life is so aimless right now.

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i find myself falling asleep anywhere i can when im bored or with family and they are stressing me out. even though i get carsick my parents honestly never suggest for me to sit in the front ever. they never have. but my friends do tho and its so easy. its always my dad driving and my mom sits in the front seat. even when i say im feeling nauseous, nothing.

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i want to make new friends. i feel so socially awkward all of the time. I'm always waiting for some extroverted friend to come sway me into meeting new people (because i would sincerely love that).

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I've always loved to be my partner's point of happiness, i wanted to be there for him if anything ever happened, but nothing ever really happened to him. this is a good thing, but it makes me feel useless. i know he loved me and appreciated my extended hand of support, but he was and still is self-sufficient.

i live to love my significant other, but now without one i feel aimless and lost. i am most happy when i am making someone else happy or watching someone else feel happiness. but what do i do now?

i ought to be happier when good things happen to me, but i am far more exuberant when others experience joy.

i am trying to find happiness in ways that don't involve other people, but it is turning out to be quite tumultuous.

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" I know you're tired (tired) of loving, of loving

With nobody to love, nobody, nobody

So just grab somebody, no leaving this party

With nobody to love, nobody, nobody "

- Bound 2 // Kanye West

shut up im quoting his song cuz this part is so right....

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circling back--my (now) ex would think i did not strive to make him happy as we clearly are not together anymore, bc we weren't happy, but i truly did work to make things work between us. i wanted and still want him to be happy, but i realized my happiness was on hold. he doesn't need a lot to be happy and since he wasn't primarily happy bc of me doing things to make him happy naturally i felt useless and unhappy.

he is a cactus and i seem to want to care for him as if he were a succulent. he finds water on his own all the time and i have over-watered him and made him wilt instead of let him grow. what could i have done to be better. just walk away....give him space....make him feel like he could do things on his own and get my own little plants to water and care for. make sure i made myself happy and taken care of. he wants to coexist and i want to help him exist. but he doesnt need nor want that.

now i look back and see other reasonings, but of all the unfortunate unfortunates, he is one of my biggest sadnesses now even tho he was once my biggest happiness. it's funny how things change. i want the best for both of us and it seems like right now this is the path we have chosen. i'm not set on this path, bc it forces me to look inward and bc it means i can't make him happy anymore at all which in turn makes me sad.

i cant say this is the only reason why we arent together anymore, but in part it is. it sucks to make these realizations seemingly too late. i just need an avenue other than him, aka here, to express my thoughts. hi guys thats u! (idk whos reading this lol).

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back to my puzzleeeeee!!! gotta finish it by this week hopefully *rahhhhh

thanks for reading, have a good one.

kD >:,(

[inconsideratekidney]

girl, so confusing featuring me

girl, so confusing featuring lorde

Mess

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why how what who where when why why whywhywhywhwhww

i speak and explain myself and nod more than i understand other people or have them understand me. huh

it feels like no one listens when i say anything, im just talking to a brick wall. then i hear "what?" "huh?" "what do u mean?"

sorry for existing. sorry for not being able to properly express myself.

everyone talks so freely and i could just observe other people all day but still not be able to copy that behavior. i want to be understood, but i guess ill just keep yapping.

im relatable when i talk, im not intelligent when i talk. thats the vibe i get from people. i dont come off as professional, intelligent, having a good head on my shoulders type sht, thats just not the vibe i give people?? i give confused, slow, inattentive, slightly dumb, among other situational things. usually i have to re-explain myself or just plain drop something. i make sense when i write a whole paragraph. i feel better explaining things out because there are so many details in my head and "feel out someones vibe whether they like to hangout with me or not" sounds so much better than "sus them out" i mean its not the same concept. but id prefer to explain things. i dont have time for specialized vocabulary. i gave up on that in elementary school when i could read the words out loud. why would i want to permanently speak in italics or as if i am a phd-holding snob who studies astrophysics or sum sht. i'd rather be "relatable" more than i'd want to be "snobbish". not that all STEM people are, just they seem smart and typically make me feel insecure.

wahoo there it is im insecure who knew that was the word that describes my whole written out blog up until now????? i did, but what would a blog be without a mess of words. like i could end here and someone would enjoy that, but this is my blog btches i do what i want.

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i dont like corporate professional talk with the bawse. i talk to her somewhat casually but then and again i say things that she doesnt respond to or she responds with a long explanation. why does my nd brain do this. i just say things. then i say things to my boss and shes like 🧍‍♀️ and the other interns are also like 🧍‍♀️ and then no one responds and they move on. like . arent we literally working for people like me? i am the one with a disability and they look at me like i have three heads. why am i doing accessibility while yall are doing inaccessibility by blocking me from the conversation. what did i do.

it exhausts me to explain myself, so when im needed to give a short and succinct response to a colleague/boss i always feel rushed to say something and i dont explain myself well so the shorthand makes no sense and i could get in trouble for being misunderstood or be asked to explain myself when i couldve done that originally. theres a reason we are pushing easy-to-read/understand documentation as accessibility workers T-T its for people like me too. it baffles me. the irony.

same goes for me, like i dont know why people always talk in shorthands and acronyms and weird phrasing. just speak normally, gosh. it confuses everything, i like having synonyms yeah, but everyone tries to sound poetic and funny and interesting but really i have no idea what youre saying. its natural human behavior to get bored of the same words or hear something new and use it yourself. like i get it, but at the same time, you cant just photosynthesize your way through everything.

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i sure wish i could photosynthesize, i'd be a cool ass plant. i'd want to be a perennial or something, bloom every so often and just take in that sweet sunlight. that would be so cool, top ten bucket list item.

that and i'd want to come back as a caterpillar in another life, just inch along until i eat a whole bunch of human food from all the waste in the world and just help the humans for a week before peacing out flying away as a butterfly to costa rica or something. that'd be the ideal lifeline, a short life but a really pretty one from above the ground. although butterflies seem kinda small and bounce their whole big ass wings that are so much bigger than their body. but dont worry about it we vibe. i'd just vibe out in the sky.

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what would my life be without music, if i hadnt truly discovered music in 2018 life would be sooooo boring. music just does what i feel. it tells a story i know so well without having to have lyrics. even when matt champion or dave bayley sing on some stupid sht i still get it. idek what theyre saying but i know.

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i may have really screwed myself over for the next 5 months but honestly whatever. i gotta start working and i should be spending my free time being productive so i guess its okay. i might be taking 6 classes and working for an additional 3 classes too....and working on most nights and weekends... i really blocked myself off for some reason. im required to work for practicum which is fine, but i also took on another job bc its the only guaranteed pay...but also 9 classes total is not the move...... T-T ...... i also just extended my current job for some reason 🫠 i fugged upppppp. i also might have to work for 12 hours for one job in september i am gonna morb. i stg this shi is just building and building and its not building a house its building a storm. a storm that will take out many houses i have built. its gonna overwhelm me . so is the anxiety bc its so high rn for the smallest of things. rahhhhhghhghhhghhhghhghhghf.

ok yall. i hope you are enjoying life and doing small little things that make you happy <3

kD :p

[inconsideratekidney]

3/18/25

hey y'all,

eepy back from break. work too hard brain go slow.

actually brain go fast, too fast. so fast that i need more stimulation. (so fast i actually typed "fast fast" and didn't even realize i typed it twice cuz i did it so fast). o.O

i really feel like there's a clear correct answer here......go home and do nothin...

anwyways

i wanna steal one of these rolly chairs with the flimsy back, i could roll around and lean back nicely. would be cool.

there is no way i could be a student interpreter. i know i shouldn't say that, but i really don't feel qualified. (if i feel like this maybe the letdown will be less impactful...)

i dont know

just like and repost k thanks bye.

i just wanted to get this done for my to do list.

k bye

bye

hello are you leaving

i said bye

BYEE bye

pllease go

i really don't have time for this. bye.

BYE.

learn to read much?

BYE.

love you guys <3

have a good one,

kD :0

[inconsideratekidney]

3/2/25

hey y'all,

this past week was rough, i had been actually depressed and it sucked balls. got my period after it was late for a couple days and everything feels normal again. just cramps and they aren't even that bad. i am writing on a sunday again, avoiding the same exact assignment that got me into this depressive drought, but i will persevere and get it done before midnight tonight. a lot of difficult assignments and assessments have passed and now i am looking forward to getting this assignment done, studying for my midterm and absolutely slaying it. life is good, the sun is out, and i feel better. the sun hasn't cured me, in fact it really laughed at me last week and spotlighted my depressive state, but now i laugh too because i still have the same fears.

the depressive thoughts have lessened, but i still feel incapable of completing hard things. i have to drop my second major and pursue the first one. I can't kill myself trying to be something i'm not ready for. there are so many popular phrases and sayings, but i don't wanna say them right now because none of them are true. "i can't kill myself trying to be something i'm not" "fake it til you make it" "you miss 100% of the shots you don't take" all bullshit. i could be a psychologist or a social worker or an interpreter or a damn software engineer, i just need to apply myself and tell myself to "fake it til i make it" i just wish there was something i was good at that could get me a salary and a pension. i feel like i have to fake everything and apply myself because i'm not naturally good at the things they teach in school. what they teach in school seems to be what most people want to do, but i want to just exist, i find myself having the best time giving people advice on life, but i don't want to give advice to random people or go out and research dead ends because it'll further my career. I just want to help people and be there for others when they need someone. i live vicariously and it always bites me in the butt. i laugh when other people laugh, i smile when others smile, i am sad when others are sad, i get angry when others are angry. it's so hard for me to have my own thoughts, i'm such a moderate luke-warm person.

with regards to my homework, i have gotten a lot of work done in general lately, i've caught up, but it is so tempting to just not get any work done and go lay in bed and watch stupid videos until i pass out. every time i see everyone else has already submitted their assignment it makes me feel so slow and like it's never going to get done. that's how i feel right now after having been working on my assignment for hours. i still struggle no matter how "easy" something is. nothing is easy for me. i have so few spoons every day. no one even knows, i use up my spoons sparingly when it comes to homework that's for sure. i've used up the little amount of energy it takes to scroll through videos five thousand times that it eats away at my ability to work on things like homework that require more energy. it's simple maths.

throb throb throb goes the brain in my skull.

go to bed!

study!

finish your homework!

go to bed early!

get all your work done now instead of later for late points!

be accountable.

stop being lazy.

be better.

be grateful.

have a good night,

kD >(

[inconsideratekidney]

2/16/25

good morning farts,

it's a new day and new opportunities await you. get up and get going! the sun is always shining even when it's behind the clouds, the earth is still rotating around it, and the world did not end in eighth grade. we are still vibing, jiving and rolling with the punches. it's no wonder we look so tired, because we've endured so much! we all deserve second chances even when we tore everything apart just to get here.

it is world whale day and that is all that matters. yesterday was world pangolin day and the day before valentines day. i feel so informed by my computer and its magical ways of knowing what day it is and that it's the most relevant "day" and not boyfriend day that happens so often apparently.

it's almost my birth-day and i have nothing more to celebrate. it's another year around the sun and it's crazy. i have nothing monumental to even share for the past year. i have taken difficult classes and even passed them. i am currently taking hard classes and will even be interpreting live on my birthday....! yay..... i am not excited for that because i won't be able to wear my birthday outfit i wanted to wear, but i will make do. i wanted to wear my hot pink long-sleeve shirt and my green corduroy pants but i don't think the hot pink contrasts enough with my skin tone....i'm so devastated...oh well.

me rn:

rahhhhhhhh

i hate my desk. i hate this chair. i am so sore all over from volleyball yesterday. i am tired asf. i have to finish a paper intro in 5 hours. I have a volleyball game in 5 hours. i have to regain sanity by tonight because i want to be happy today. i have to send out bday party invites. i want to cry. i want to go back to sleep. i can't have shit around here. i hope my birthday is good and worth it because i need a break and some positive mf reinforcements.

speaking of being a psych nerd, i may just drop this psych major because i don't like research and i hate reading. i want to do it and get that degree to prove to myself that i can do it and feel like i'm worth something, but it's not the easiest thing in the world. on top of finishing my other freaking degree, i also have to get a co-op and manage the next two years of my college career now before it gets too late. if i really do go forward with it, then i have to snag a co-op and manage my mf time better to get all this dumb work done. it's so hard and idk how i planned on doing this.

this segways nicely to my next life happening--i am thinking about getting medicated. i truly cannot get any work done without a push or from a deadline being right on my ass. i have no general motivation for doing things that are hard, i don't feel good after finishing assignments that are hard, i don't feel excited to tackle the next thing. i just feel depressed and worthless. i hope this isn't a universal feeling because it sucks and makes it hard to feel intelligent enough to get a degree. i understand the imposter syndrome is quite common, which is so awful to be a relatable thing, but also somewhat relieving. i with though, sometimes, that i was alone in experiencing hardship and turmoil because for some fucked-up reason i feel good when i am pitied in a way. i want negative attention and i kind of hate it. i don't go out searching for it like a middle schooler posting on their snapchat story, but i do bother my boyfriend and close friends with it. i don't want to be a burden, or someone's annoyance, i just want to be heard and to be babied because i really can't do this shit. i want to be coddled again and forget all of the adult big-girl things i need to do. i can always finish up my degree on track now or i could stop like a coward, take a gap semester or year and just come back like a loser to lose momentum and not even be with the same group.

i had mentioned in my last blog, or the one before, that i wish i was held back a year. honestly i still believe that, because then maybe i would have had more time to develop some social skills and learn more at my pace for my own brain abilities. i definitely feel like i was developmentally-delayed and i still feel that way right now. i wish i could just go back and beg my mom to medicate me when i was in primary school because i feel like i have wasted so many years of trying to gain basic skills and knowledge, academically and socially, and it all feels so pointless now. i always feel like i am lightyears behind everyone else's development at every age. it's frustrating, debilitating, draining, and makes me so angry. i want to be more like other people, but every day i am reminded that i'm just not.

here i go with my pity story, but to be so honest, i haven't felt depressed before like i do now. i have never genuinely cried so often just everywhere or felt like nothing is going to get better like i do now. maybe it's just a depressive episode, and maybe it's only been less than two weeks, but the triggers are typically often enough that it feels like it's going on forever. maybe i am milking it and everything is fine. but i'm meant to be doing homework right now and this early in the morning i am crying and writing a blog is very atypical for me. i am definitely going through something and this is great documentation for my future self to look back on and cringe a twinge.

anyway,

i have to get back to said homework or else i could get on my professor's bad side after asking for extra time already. if i submit this late, i won't have a good repertoire with her.

i hope everyone is okay and not shitting themselves. if you are please see a doctor.

have a good one,

kD :/

[inconsideratekidney]

2/9/25

good afternoon,

how is it already another week has gone by. i was sick last weekend and now our entire house is coming back with a cough? it is so odd and unfortunate, but makes sense given the season and the weather. it has been so utterly cold that we don't go outside half the time. it is nice to look out the window, but i'd rather be out wearing shorts in fall or spring weather frolicking around and staying out late. kind of like summer, but not as hot.

I moved my furniture around and honestly i enjoy this setup in a totally different way. i have my desk right next to my window which allows me to look outside when working, but keeps me cold enough to stay alert and focused. i can now sit at my desk in general now because i decluttered it. i reorganized all the things on my desk and got rid of unnecessary things that i don't even use. my window sill is now a form of a shelf used for decoration. my parents and gifts from friends all sit there watching me type and eat and laugh and stress. how quaint.

i also enjoy seeing the leaves i have taped onto my window, it's very me and i love it.

i am finally catching up on all my late work, with some still not finished yet, but all of my work is on time now and my professors have been very considerate and lenient with me which is so awesome for me, so i can breathe and take things one step at a time.

i wish i took more polaroid pictures of people in my life. i wish i had more pictures in general. i look back on old memories from middle school and then some scattered since then and i wonder why i don't take more pictures than i do.

separate, but related--i can look at a picture of my uncle and think of yeah that's so him, but not even think that hard about it? i feel like only if i really look hard and say, yeah he's gone because he died, i still don't fully process it. it's like not a real thought process in my head that makes sense. i just think, oh yeah he's gone, then casually move on like it's nothing. i feel like i should've felt more remorse throughout this whole experience since it happened. i just don't feel much about it. idk what's wrong with me. maybe it's because i hadn't even seen him in forever when he passed that it doesn't feel crazy that i haven't seen him in so long. am i crazy? i feel so bad for not feeling as much when he is brought up except that i know it hurts other people. idk. i was the closest with him out of my cousins and we lived close and he was my favorite uncle, but i just didn't hangout with him much and didn't do anything noteworthy of a niece to do??? idk i just feel bad.

what felt even worse was going through his phone and seeing his apartment. and obviously going to the cemetery is just weird, but going through his old stuff feels so wrong. it just feels like he's not home and i shouldn't be in his apartment. when stepping into his bedroom, i often find myself crying and unable to avoid the thought of it all. it's where he took his last breath and where a shrine has been set up with all of his favorite things, all the things that represent him. it's so depressing and i don't think it will changed for a while. i don't know how to handle death, so this is my only way of doing it. when i go home i go to his apartment and "talk" to him and cry. it's quite weird, but i don't know how else to face it. i feel so guilty all the time and wish it all happened so differently. i wish he didn't go on the day i came back from school, i wish my family wasn't crazy and emotionally-terrible, or that i didn't have to deal with it so intensely for the rest of that summer.

it feels like our family is somewhat closer from all of this though. we are all trauma-bonded.... but in a sad way. we can all relate to it and talk about it, but everyone talks about it differently and some just avoid bringing it up.

i'm supposed to be getting his car and that's still just so weird. i'll see how everything goes over this summer. womp womp i guess...

i have a lot of work to get through and i want to also relax and play the sims today, so i have to get to work before the daylight is all gone.

toodaloo,

kD :/

[inconsideratekidney]

2/6/25

good morning,

disclaimer: idk how many of you would wanna genuinely read this so tread carefully. it's my thoughts as they come out and it's spewed very randomly and it's more unearthed than usual :) there you go there's your warning.

you should listen to one of the following songs while reading, or don't, i don't care:

Champagne Supernova (Remix) by Oasis

Make Me Your Queen by Declan McKenna

i don't know what the fuck i am doing. i don't know who the fuck i am or what my purpose is. there is so much going on and too much to take it. i have always wanted to come to college because i thought i would be ready once the time came. i am not ready. i'm somehow in my third year second semester still wondering if what i am doing is even worth it. i have completed a whole minor technically, i have done my immersion classes and i am majoring in two fucking different fields. what the fuck am i doing. i have totally jumped into what we call being an adult. cliche cliche what the hell i don't care. i am truly freefalling and fucking around and finding out.

i am in a developing major that doesn't have enough research to even call it a major in my opinion. there are so many loopholes and so much shit we don't even go over. we need to talk about psychology in interpreting, we need to talk about therapy and getting massages, and supporting each other, and we need to make the goddamn needle move so much faster than we are now. i don't want to discuss philosophy right now because i already have to put together a presentation for philosophy class, but aside from philosophy specifics, we need fucking breaks and validation and more fucking applied tools. interpreting asl/english is so new and fresh and we need so much more support. i write this out of frustration and anger from seeing myself struggle and fail and seeing others fail. you could tell me oh, it gets better over time, don't worry. but i am worried. why is it not a skill i can learn as a practice profession like doctors and lawyers and general customer service workers receive. we have a code of conduct, sure, we have personal ethics and we have general principles we should follow, but we still only have state-recognized certification systems. what the fuck is up with that. why did some dude say on the joe rogan podcast that interpreters are distracting? i didn't look into it crazy but why can some people be so ignorant. all of this might sound like a joke cuz of course not everyone trusted doctors and vaccines and medicine at first right? but we need to move faster than people did way back when. it shouldn't be taking so fucking long.

i don't want to spend my entire career fighting against the man and fighting against ingorance. i don't want to have to tell people what interpreters do every five seconds and laugh at every "gang signs" or *hands thrown in the air* when someone asks about my profession. we are not a professional group of people or field. we don't treat each other professionally or respectfully in college, so how are we going to move on and be professional and respectful to each other out in the real world? if we can't respect each other or even the consumers we work for or the appropriate professional attire how can we work together effectively and work with our consumers??????????????

maybe i've had too much matcha or too much exposure to life that i'm way too fed up, but i need a fucking break. i have so many ideas and feel so autistic that i don't feel anyone listens and i wanna scream out the window so fucking loud.

on another note, that comprehension shit has been with me since the dawn of my existence. i've always been lagging behind everyone else. maybe i should have been held back a year or something. i swear i don't understand people. i feel like it is a neurodivergent experience. i also have a hard time understanding neurodivergent folks as well, just in a different way, i get them more than neurotypical people, but neurotypical people are the norm so i've spent so much more time trying to understand them and make sure i come off as funny and relatable and i'm so tired of doing that. i need to adjust a lot of what i say to sound more professional and put-together but i am not. i need to use filler words and talk more to explain how i feel and what i am thinking and i hate it. i would much rather prefer to just vibe with someone. i wish my vibes could be read easily, but i have such a hard time doing that i end up looking like i have a resting bitch face or that i think i'm too cool to be where i am. i don't think that.. i think i'm always not cool enough to be where i am.

thinking about when people are studying or thinking or doing work they need to ask themselves hmm can i work here or is it too distracting? most of the time they are referring to loud noises or general lighting or if there is somewhere to sit and maybe a table or not. what i think about it specifically what chairs are there? i like the chair i'm sitting in rn very much. i was so overjoyed when i saw barely anyone in this sitting area when i got here. to be able to sit in the back corner of a room facing everyone else in a padded wheely chair is like heaven to me. it's probably why i can write this blog right now. the table is also a good height and i have it all to myself cuz no randos are coming and joining me thank goodness. i also feel comfy enough to listen to music and write a blog right now. i can see everyone in front of me and i feel safe. one thing i don't like is that i'm sitting next to a windowed wall and that many people are walking outside underneath and they can see me, but not well enough. i can see and look at them, but they can see me looking at them which i don't like.... but it's okay it doesn't bother me since everything is nice and i have good loud music that blocks out that stupid piano playing and there aren't too many people so it's okay. my table is small enough that no one can ask to sit here it's so perfect. it is getting louder over time which is annoying, but whatever. i need to go soon anyway. i need to write out all of my thoughts. people don't normally do that. people don't normally talk to themselves about everything, but i do. i fear i seem crazy. and according to others i am, but it helps me so much. i need to talk or type like this cuz the bugs inside my head are always running around on fire and everything is always in fight-or-flight panic SOS mode. so it's great to be able to write down as fast as i think, or almost as fast as i think WITH ALL OF THESE DAMN TYPOS YOU CAN'T SEE BUT I MAKE SURE TO FIX AS I GO ALONG HOLY SHIT IT IS ANNOYING.

anyways.

loud music is good but it is also distracting and throws me off. but it does block out the outside world. it does overstimulate me at the same time though and i hate it.

rage posting? shitposting? idk. here you go this was it from my rant earlier today. i'm just gonna eject this into the universe......

(random) what if i was that woman from bridgerton, lady pussysqueak but i know that's not her name LADY WHISTLEDOWN that. what if i was her. i would eat. i would literally gobble up this town. just a small town girl, living in a LONELY WOOORLD. okay that's my contribution from this night.

goodnight,

kD >(

[inconsideratekidney]

1/22/25

good day everyone.,

i have some thoughts that have been lingering since classes started again:

i stare at people so much, like so much that i hate it cuz i can clearly tell it is socially odd and many people make me feel odd for it, but i continue to do it. like cady says in mean girls "word vomit" i have eye vomit i guess? i can't stop looking at everyone that passes me and forget about dining halls, they are so stressful for me unless i am watching a youtube video or talking with a bigger group of friends can i actually tune out those around me. yet i still look at everyone around me, i am constantly checking for everything. i don't know why i do it, it just soothes and makes me feel better if i know my surroundings but also raises my anxiety. it's super weird and super annoying. i like to make sure i say hi to everyone i see and i get really weird and uncomfortable when people clearly see me and pretend not to and visibly face another direction or just not even say hi or acknowledge me at all :( it makes me confused and sad. i feel childish for wanting to wave to everyone i know, but i also feel like i have to say hi to everyone i know. i don't like when people make me confused and question whether i can say hi to them or not. i get excited when i see people i know.

along with this, one weird thing is that since i always check everyone around me, i recognize some characters, some people i always see in public that are strangers. sometimes i want to even say hi to them, but i know we don't actually know each other, i just know you. there was a long time last semester where every tuesday and thursday i would sit in bc and the same three friends would sit right next to or adjacent to my table and i could always overhear their conversation because we were close and they were loud af. i felt like i kinda knew them at some point, but i would never talk to them or try to pretend i knew them or something to start talking to them yk? i just felt like i heard so many of their conversations that they sounded just like my friends and i felt like i could be friends with them. one girl did have a strong opinion on something one time that i know i do and it was kinda funny i had to try not to laugh even tho i could clearly hear them, they were loud enough for the radius of 5 tables out to hear them so.

i also don't like new environments which goes hand in hand with me checking everything. i need to know the space i am in. that's why i constantly check people out. i don't judge anyone, i literally just need to see everyone and i also feel the need to see what social behaviors everyone does. not just like "oh where is the checkout line" but more like how do people order like what exact order do they order a wrap in, the guy is asking me what kind of wrap i want before the toppings, look at the toppings and the wrap they are where they are i need to follow their order, BUT i can say i want a chicken caesar on spinach wrap but i have to say both i can't just say i want a chicken caesar or else he will ask me again another question.

stuff like that and how do people stand, how do people make eye contact, how do people hold their food. some things i do my own way, but i check out what other people are doing.

now don't get me wrong, if someone pretends there's a string or rope somewhere and they tip toe over it like in those youtube shorts, i'm not going to follow that like i trust that person, but i will watch someone else do it after them first to see what they do too....lol

another silly little thing i do is i see how other people react to things. i could just blank stare blank face not react to anything to be honest. i was like that for a while probably until college where i started feeling more comfortable to be my own person. one thing tho, has always stayed with me and for some reason i only just noticed it recently. when other people are laughing or smiling, i smile. i don't usually find the same things funny and i will laugh at other times according to my own processing of the world around me, but i will smile when i see others or hear others are happy and enjoying something positive. but often i don't always know what is funny and/or realize i start smiling before everyone else stops laughing and i'm, still sitting there with a grin on my face thinking "oh, shit what happened everyone stopped" i am slow in general, but i think i do just mirror other people and i get happy when others are happy. i def have some trauma associated with that.

I will often make sure what i am doing isn't upsetting someone else or making someone else uncomfortable. normal and a good thing to do right? well, yes, but i do it even when someone is unreasonably upset or being manipulative. i often don't recognize the situation and had to learn what upsets a person (my mom) growing up. once leaving my house and coming to college a lot of things became clearer to me:

i don't like being home.

i am a people pleaser.

i don't need to have the same opinions as my parents/family.

it's okay to not have your shit together.

i don't have to unconditionally love anyone.

i have the freedoms and liberties to do whatever the fuck i want.

i have ADD but also like 93% positive i have autism.

i am neurodivergent and i need to be kinder to myself.

i am weird and different than others and that is okay.

I have driven myself mad for countless hours trying to figure out things like why i am the way i am, why other people aren't like me, why i have a hard time with everything?

life be rough sometimes......

that's all i wanted to say. i just bought a book on how to make life easier, it's written by a person who is autistic. i'm also going to a neurodiversity group club? meeting in 10 minutes, so i am excited for that!!! will have more to tell next week prob.

see y'all then!

kD :p

[inconsideratekidney]

1/20/25

hey y'all,

happy new year!! it's been forever since i have written. how is everyone doin?

i have been okay and not really much more than okay. whenever i write a blog i write about school and i have not been feeling good about school since december. how would i know if i'm on the right career path, doing the right things, meeting and hanging out with the right people, making the right choices? all that jazz.

with almost all of my heart, i can confidently say that school has gotten easier for me to manage since middle school, but it has not gotten better since like 2 years ago. i am so sick of being the way i am and not feeling successful ever. i don't feel proud o myself because i can't tell what progress i've made. i don't know how to measure my progress without doing these kind of blog writings, but also i only usually write about the bad so i guess i could compare the really bad with the not so bad? idk.

i feel like my brain consumes me and all my thoughts are negative like, "why am i in this major?" "why can't i get any work done at a decent hour or at a decent time before it's due?" "why must i always be so hard on myself when i know how hard i am working?"

no matter how hard i work my brain never recognizes the effort i put in or the end result based on me and my abilities. i always compare myself to neurotypical people who have their shit together and i just feel crappy about myself. my brain never does what i want it to do and it's starting to feel very depressing.

i express all of this going into my second semester of third year and i am not fully ready for the work to come. i'm already mad at myself for doing things so late. i already beat myself up for finishing some work today instead of friday, but if i really consider all of the factors, there was no way i was getting any work done until the absolute last minute like usual. i don't get a sufficient enough reinforcement from doing things before the absolute last minute. in fact, i feel more punishment and negative reinforcement from doing things last minute. it's crazy and i'm so sick of it. for those of u who aren't pysch nerds like me, negative reinforcement is when you get reinforced from taking something away. so, in this case i take away the need to do my homework, but i also feel like crap while working cuz i know i don't have enough time to finish it with appropriate effort and that becomes my positive punishment (positive meaning adding punishment).

i hate it here (in my brain).

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anyshways,

in other news, i am trying to learn how to do a certain task for a certain secret reason i can't say yet in case someone reads my blog and figures out what it is. it's not something bad, just a surprise. teehee. very excited to be taking up this hobby, but it's hard and i', nervous about the results.... we will see. i will keep y'all posted when it happens.

i hope no one feels like my blog is too personal, i don't care how much i talk about, it's good to release pent up emotions and that's what i do here...so yeah. if you don't like it u can leave i am not offended.

i have been getting my animal jam game on and it is great to be back on the game, but man the economy is shit rn and so many people just play the game to collect and trade and it's so dumb. now that there are shops people can buy to sell items themselves, everything is dumb. everything has a price now instead of just an exchange "rate". smh. these freakin dudes. in joe biden's--i mean....trump's america now... i guess?.........oh boy.

i am trying to rewatch my old favorite shows and get into new shows that i have wanted to watch since like middle school lol. shameless has been one of them and i swear youtube shorts actually did help me out with a lot of these shows. it exposed me to many new shows and it's kind of cool. i started watching house md and i wanna continue shameless, i wanna watch chicago md, tacoma fd, police academy, desperate housewives, sex and the city and some other shtuff.

i am going to play animal jam and avoid the reading i have to do,

oki bye!!!

kD :p

[inconsideratekidney]

11/20/24

goooooood mornin',

i am feeling good today in general. i've been feeling better ever since i got dressed. i put pants on that i haven't worn in like 3 weeks and reached into my pocket and found my airpods! i am very happy. they are charging up now and i am so ready to go back to wireless listening.... the wired ones were good and all, reliable and didn't need to be charged, but man i missed not having a wire in the way of literally everything i do. the microphone on the wired ones is 100% better tho.... i was struggling to sign while wearing them connected to my laptop, but the mic was just so much better than my airpods. oh shwell. i need new headphones, i should've asked for christmas, but i said i didn't want anything like usual. i want a new laptop and a new pair of headphones.

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should i buy the sims 3? genuine question... i hear it's the best of the series for its open world concept, its general relationships, family, and the wants are actually context based and not random. the sims 4 is lovely and is by far the most aesthetic or pleasing to look at version of sims and of worlds. the building is also the best out of all 4. i like my sims 4, so i think i will obviously keep it, but will always be curious about playing the older versions, especially when so many ppl think its the best one *shrug*.

also the fact that the sims 2 has turn-ons and turn-offs is absolutely hilarious to me. so funny. and like star signs... im dead.

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how is that mighty fine air of ours. it's so airy and full of air. honestly i always forget it exists, it really does just sit there. i love the air. it's so mysterious and gets loud all of a sudden and then dissipates. so cool. i guess that's more the wind, but i love both.

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it's been 6 months since my uncle passed and 3 years since my friend from hs took his life.....times are weird. i don't feel much about it, which feels wrong, only because it was my uncle and i was closest with him. i guess i just don't like to think about things that make me upset! crazy... i was thinking about it tho during class yesterday. i totally blanked out and stared into the computer screen in front of me for about 3 minutes. that was weird...

i'm nervous to go home for thanksgiving. so many things happening..... hopefully my family is happy, but i know it'll be weird without my uncle. very weird.

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my uncle was 56 years old, wasn't married before passing, and never had any kids. he had a lovely girlfriend, so many friends and loved ones, and had many pets in his life. he was always a class clown, in school and after graduating when working as a teacher. everyone who knew him loved him. he was loud and opinionated and loved to make jokes and get people laughing. he was fun to be around because he always wanted to do something, he goofed around and would occasionally make fun of you...but you still enjoyed it...most of the time. he loved people with all of his heart and wanted the best for anyone and everyone around him.

his heart may have been the very thing that worked very hard in his life, maybe too hard. along with all of the fun times being the life of the party, he drank and smoke heavily throughout his life. he had heart problems that he didn't tell anyone about. he would work hard and do things for others, but silently suffer through them. we wouldn't have known that he was suffering as much as he did if he didn't want to burden us and bring attention to himself. in some ways, you could still argue it was a bit selfish how we all care for each other and he didn't let us know, so now we have to deal with the outcome of it. there are many perspectives, but this one is one of the harshest and realest. i won't go into the harshest one, because it's something i don't like to condemn him of, and he doesn't deserve that right now.

whatever actually happened specifically, we don't know, so there's also no reason to beat ourselves up over not knowing. i know my family struggles with that... anyway, i miss him and hope to see him in heaven one day. may God rest his soul.

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i don't mean to be so depressing, but it's my real life and i feel like it's important to talk about. i will be there for my loved ones and make sure to pay attention to people even when they piss me off. i hope everyone is doing alright and that i don't miss too many signs of depression or the like in any of my friends and close ones. i know my family's depressed rn so *shrug*.

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i may end it here for lack of anything better or more to say lol. i wish to get on a more tuesday tuesday tuesday schedule, but life happens and i forgert.

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hope everyone has a lovely day and see you all next time on the inconsideratekidney show...

i hated that..

ok bye :p

kD ⭐

[inconsideratekidney]

[inconsideratekidney]

songs stuck in my head!!!

Phantogram - Black Out Days

ROSÉ & Bruno Mars - APT.

Sabrina Carpenter - Good Graces

Kesha - C'mon

Black Eyed Peas & El Alfa - TONIGHT

SWV - Right Here (Human Nature Radio Mix)

Key Glock - Let's Go

Mac Miller & Empire of the Sun - The Spins

Manu Chao - Me Gustas Tú

PnB Rock:

- ft. Lil Yachty: iRun

- Rewind

- Nowadays

- ABCD

- ft. a boogie wit da hoodie: Lovin'

- Feelins

- ft. YFN Lucci: There She Goes

- iann dior ft. PnB Rock :romance361

Doja Cat ft. Konshens - Wine Pon You

White Reaper - Might Be Right

Drake - Trust Issues

Sonta - Crazy over You

Hamilton:

- Thr Schuyler Sisters

- Helpless

- Satisfied

- Wait For It

- Non-stop

these are all super good. you should listen to them....

goodnaurght,

kD >_<

[inconsideratekidney]

11/12/24

hey y'all,

how is it hanging? it's hanging well for me. as of rn.

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so many eyes in this world. so many always looking. to think of the psychology of your eyes, they are your information recruits. being a sighted person, you are constantly searching for clues and pieces in your visual field to put together this crazy puzzle we call life. mine seem to work in overdrive and all the time. i am sick of using my eyes. i'd like to take a damn break every so often, but they are always picking up every single aspect of my environment and i can't get them to stop or the bugs yell at me.

if i am comfortable in my environment, i've noticed it calms down, but that can take a while or the right people or environment. it's either the adhd or anxiety or something that makes me act up when there are a lot of people around and it makes me feel like i have to survey the room and take everything in. it's a habit that ruins my way of existing on a populated campus. i love when places aren't full and busy, when i can sit down in a coffee shop almost alone or when there's no one in the bathroom.

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i dont wanna be done with college. i feel like since i'm considering not pursuing my second major anymore, i could have one less year here :( its so funny that all through high school i couldn't wait for it to be over as well. in the process i want to be done with something, but i enjoy the routine. while school is so difficult, i love having roommates and friends right next door. it's crazy to think how much i've taken all of this for granted. i do take notice of everything and i appreciate everything, but now that i'm nearing the end of my 2.5 years here, its kinda wild to think that i only have 1.5 years left. all of a sudden i'm feeling so nostalgic, but just like they did in inside out 2, we gotta push that shit down for now. it's not time yet!!!! oy va voy.

next semester i might get a car and wont have these terribly frigid walks home anymore or complain of the bus system. that is, if i pay for campus parking. i won't have to borrow anyone's car anymore or feel nervy every time i drive because it's the first time i've driven in over a week. it would be kinda nice.

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every time something pops up up my brain, i think about it and it changes my track of focus. normal right? i forget what i was thinking about. consequently, i often forget things later on bc i lost them before even writing them down. this happens all the time and it's pretty typical for me. but what i never understand is that looming fear that i'm always forgetting something like super important. like what if i was supposed to be pursuing some hobby or mindset and i totally forgot about it. i have so many worried thoughts like this that wrack my brain. it's different than the usual "oh i forgot my headphones at home," it's more like "wait, i wanted to be more positive," "i wanted to stop cracking my knuckles," "where did that motivation go that i had an hour ago? i swear i'm into this task i'm doing aren't i?" "when did i say i wanted to finish this by? okay and then i have to really focus on something else, but i wanted to try to hyperfocus on this? no, it was the other thing...what other thing? wait, no. i thought i remembered...i can't tell if it was important or not, it sure feels important. i won't know until something big changes and i'm not ready...oh well." that kind of fear. the kind that i have no idea how to distinguish between losing something physical or leaving something behind at home.

i hate when people say to imagine yourself in a field, or hide your intrusive thoughts or thoughts you don't need to deal with in this vault, that cannot be broken, behind this painting on this wall. like, no i cannot i'm sorry. my brain knows there's no vault, no field. how will my thoughts stay in there? no they won't. i am certain that they will roam free and forget that they were supposed to "be in a box" hell i can't even remember what intrusive thoughts are until they recur constantly and affect me later on anyway, so how could i put them aside now? once they affect me they literally take control of me and i literally cannot get my brain to change its course so i just embrace it. i've had a lot of experience trying to embrace every thought that comes into my mind. i'm curious what other people think on this tbh, but for the most part i truly believe i should own every thought i have. when i have uncomfortable or intrusive thoughts, that's typically when i look up how to get rid of them and people are like, "it's normal, you don't have to acknowledge every thought that passes through your mind." and i'm like, yes. yes, i do. i wish i didn't, but when i ignore them they rise up and eat me alive. so, yeah -_-

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honestly i need to go to sleep, it's too late. i keep going to sleep at 1am and i never used to do that. the existential crises need to stop. i'm losing sleep and fucking up my times i go to sleep. i'm also fucking losing my mind every day from homework and a lack of free will. why can't i get a degree without doing any work, hmmmmmmm?? it's no fair. i want two degrees, but i barely can make enough effort for one. honestly, my whole major is questionable rn. idek why i'm doing what i'm doing. it's all unintelligible gibberish and sillyness in my brain. it's also the headaches that have really been pushing me over the edge lately. i think i'm going to go to sleep now, i'm doing it again. i've been pushing 2am recently, ugh.

goodnight, love y'all,

kD x(

[inconsideratekidney]

11/8/24

hey y'all

what the fuck. um. yeah, what the fuck.

what are y'all's plans for the next 4 years?

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i truly hate when professors ask basic questions like we're in elementary school. why are you babying me before you treat me like a well-respected researcher?? we're asked a dumb easy question, dumber than what we should already know, then we're asked to do something way out of our experience and what we should be expected to know.

this happens to me in multiple classes and i'm still so shocked

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today is friday i know, but i have been catching up on a lot of work things n such. i have also finally had time to sit down and play the sims, on my laptop and tablet, and i feel more calm now. my grades have finally improved (not that i've bumped up some of those failing grades bc my prof hates everyone and doesn't allow resubmissions), but we still have like 4 weeks, so i just have to keep it up now. i'm feeling better, and would like to continue to do better.

picking classes for next semester feels like a doozy, i'm dropping one of my majors to make it a minor and that means i'll graduate next next spring? ew. gross. i have to fix that or something.

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i created some of my friends in the sims and myself, all in my eyes of course. i didn't want to do it based on pictures, i just did it from memory. i made everyone based on how i see them and myself as how i want to see myself...they came out pretty good, i want to keep going making more, but so far i made people i know the best. we'll see where i end up. i might just end up making a house full of interpreters....lol

i have so many ideas for what to build--i focus more on building, but creating sims is fun as well, just not my most favorite--i want to build so many complex things, but it's so hard to start and my computer can barely handle it.

i'd love some ideas for what to build, for example, right now i am planning on making a house that technically has one room, but has split levels. i've seen youtube shorts on them and i've pasted the video below if you're interested, but they are so interesting even if every video i see they always forget a bathroom. i love doing challenges as well, like the plumbella challenge, and there's another one similar. they generate random style, color, theme, etc. and give you rules and a specific amount of money you can use. you also always get one setback, like you can't use cheats, or you can only use certain items from one pack or just base game, or that you have to do it only from birds' eye view... they are all so fun. i also want to finish making my mansion i am currently working on. it's so big and it's so hard to fill every space...

i also wanted to build a beach house, one of the videos i've also linked below, based on a reference i saw. it reminds me of where my family goes on vacation--those big beach houses we never stayed in cuz they're so god awfully expensive. they are so cool to look up on zillow or other rental websites. like big dream homes. i'd love to build a beach home eventually.

videos:

micro apartment 1:

https://youtube.com/shorts/RlauAXoxtls?si=DKH1FTDpkCid3Gv5

micro apartment 2:

https://youtube.com/shorts/kbdseYjig4s?si=Z-mbMA1OrnbwFdo7

coastal house:

https://youtube.com/shorts/VKC0h-6sSeI?si=LpiDh13v2yj1jbC5

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i type "i" way too much. all i do is talk about myself and reflect on myself and how much i talk. obviously, this is my blog, but i always feel that i overshare and should shift my attention to more pressing matters. alas, i am in my existential identity stage of life--early adulthood, so i don't feel all too bad. and for the possible 3 or 4 of you reading, i'm sure you're used to this and you're still choosing to come back, so i can ease my anxiety on that one. i still talk about myself in general way too much. i harp on this because i know other people are experiencing life for the first time as well--i'd love to let others have thr spotlight whenever possible. although, i do take way longer to process my life happenings than most it seems, so i prefer to process in my own way. i enjoy having a platform to share my insanities on. i do still get sick of myself, though.

anyway, my point is anxiety ruins my life and it affects me everyday whether it is desired or not. (see what i did there i eliminated every possible "i" i could have used in that sentence and then i used many "i"'s in this sentence cuz i like being self-aware and illuminating my hyper fixations like the freak i am.)

it is also apparent that reading can be much more enjoyable when the author isn't constantly saying "i did this" or "i did that." sentences and ideas can be easily digested by using the third person, or even an unidentifiable "it." when something happens and you mess up and want to apologize, what do you say?:

"I'm sorry I upset you."

or "I'm sorry you are upset."

one is more self-aware and puts the blame on oneself, but isn't the other as well? regardless of what one person does, the other could be upset by that specifically or not. you could alternatively say:

"I'm sorry what I said/did upset you."

or even "I'm sorry you are upset because of my actions."

which sounds better? which is most "correct"? which one feels more authentic?

i experienced this first when my mother told me i had to say "I'm sorry I upset you." it pissed me off because i didn't do anything crazy (in my eyes) and she still got upset, but in those situations, you have to do what your mother says even if her asking you to reword and acknowledge you upset her upsets you in the process...

see what i did there again? i used "you," i love writing. oftentimes i still use "i" because it is the most accurate statement. why else would i do it? i could sit and write more and more about things that happen and affect me, but not using "i" defeats the purpose. you could think i am talking about something else totally different. it's more short and concise. why say many word when few word do trick, amirite? and with that this section is concluded with the idea that my emphasis on myself is the whole reason i sit down and write a blog. (ew, not me starting with "and" writing about something trying to be more formal. ew.)

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lol. lol is the best word for my life. it's the easiest thing to use. so simple, when there aren't emoji options -> lol, when the setting is uncomfortable -> lol, when i don't know how to end a sentence without a period -> lol, when i want to appear less rude or direct -> lol, when i don't feel like you can tell i'm making a funny -> lol, when you're making a funny -> lol. it's simple.

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anyshways, how is everyone's day going, how was your week?

this week had some things happen...but first trans woman for the house!! yipee!! i hadn't heard much else so far tbh.

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i almost didn't post this blog again, but since i started it and really did a good chunk of it, i have to post it now. i'm still behind on my work and am scared for the weekend tbh. i have to do a revision of my draft paper and send it to my prof who won't change the grade, but will give me feedback before the final paper is due....yipee...so generous of her.... i stg everyone almost failed or actually failed the midterm and did poorly on the draft paper as well. she just doesn't give a shit. no extra credit offered, no resubmissions, virtually no support for any of us failing. -_-

i hope to pass this class with a decent enough grade, but mainly just to pass the class is my goal.

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it's late, but i want to play the sims again. it's so much fun and i love it. it's truly a game i keep coming back to bc of all the different aspects of it. i hope if i get a new computer it doesn't reset my data... cuz it's different on every computer i'm pretty sure. it's different if it's on steam compared to just my computer, so i'm nervous. i could download all of the sims i made and all houses i've made, but i want the progress of this one family i have.....oofie, we'll see. i'll look it up.

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tldr:

wtf

basic questions

picking classes

sims and building

grammar and creative writing

lol

how are you?

annoying prof

sims!!

anywho, goodnight and toodaloohoo,

kD :p