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Guilty

This is the last one. I’m already hovering the delete button but I have to type this one out first. It’s been sitting stewing and now festering in the back of my mind for way too long now. I’m guilty of way too much all at the same time and all of them with the singular cause that is me. Maybe this blog is public in that secret shared way some thigns get and the whole squad has BEEN reading it and trying to give healing and support in their own way without really knowing. lol. NOT. Well.... Where to even begin? Weed? Lix? Lovers? Parents? Brain? Siblings? Art? Pretty cool how they present themselves like that once you open the double bolted, extra secured walled off and guarded door. So lets do the order they’re already in.  Weed Is great and now it gives me anxiety and mild panic attacks. I get so paranoid I feel like the whole world is watching me and even now the primary craving is for fucking nicotine of all things and the association built between the 2 are too strong to break. Not that it would even be useful to. Weeds usefullness has run its course in my life and a dependancy I have spent the better part of a decade now has to go unsatisfied with a complete reversion to sobriety because alcohol was gotten over LONG ago. I’m still tending towards bingeing behaviour with that but its almsot always a reaction rather than an actual desire to get fuucked up. No more high nights floating just under my ceiling . Hours and hours of dota and that most NEET night time routines. No more weed first thing at parties or braais and hanging with friends too stoned to converse or just talking about weed like its the only thing in my life. Prepare for a million comments on how different I am and a tacit understanding that I probably wanna get high until everyone gets used to the idea of me just being and then aggresively EXISTING again. Along with all the negative attention that comes with that I have completely lost understanding and connection with. Well that’s weed I guess (Shit i got distracted and Imma have to read all this shit again )

Lix

 The bestie thing is all fucked up and my (probably correct) suspicion is that he’s just good old tired of me. I nthat friend way. There is literally no value to my friendship. Not even material and he’s unemployed at the moment so you know it’s bad. That last cash send felt like paying rent on a friendship and I figure he must have also felt pretty gross taking it even though he needed it. Lol I wont be doing that again.I’m just intellectually and emotionally inferior at the moment, Fuck the complex. It’s just faxx now. The other one is at least figureing out (bizarre and mildly fucked up) shit for himself but Stormu no Kyodai really is just about over now. The bands broken up and all those successful bands breakups make sense now. You’ve just drawn every but of moisture and goodness out of a thing and it gets husky and weird to keep tending to it. I haven’t been a decent human being never mind friend for so long that I completely udnerstand and agree with how I’m being handled. It doesn’t even hurt that bad. It’s just weird and awkward for everyone involved and it does me no good to be catching shots. especialyl when i’m not really doing anything about it then and there. It’s only ever fun if I have a reply and this time I don’t. not even a little one. Just weak allusions to “progress” when it’s just good old fashioned laziness now. So this I deserve and I’m trying to cultivate my own friendships but my source material to work with now isn’t great and invariably I will probably find myself in a similar position to him before long. That weed addition is pretty rough on anything truly meaningful. All in all it is pretty sad that things can go this way especialyl with the newest addition of having productive and contributary friends in your life. Of course it’sa  good thing but it did kinda eliminate me from the running and that makes me lame. Now it’s just navigating this kinda weird and uncomfortable space where he wont say shit to cause damage. I wotn say shit cos I have hope and in the meanwhile the relationship will circle the proverbial drain until distance, time or some other factor snaps the last frayed string. But it is what it is. Lovers

Is actualyl kinda good. The one thing i’ve reconciled at the seeming expense of everything else is love and relationships and my ways of dealing and itneracting with em. I don’t miss exes and I don’t pine over lost lovers other that the typical momentary lapses which is cool. My current love is great. She’s good to me and I’m trying to be to her and its just good, Good all round. All good. Goodness. I sometimes feel like im trying to convince my self of something when it coems to this but actions and results sort of show themselves and it’s just been a constant relief since I’ve surrendered to it really. I’m not even holding my breath for it to last or building foundation. I’m just doing and that seems to work out best when it comes to just about everything.( This does not Feel Good Inc). PRetty wild to me that the lvoers part of this is by far the shortest and best handled but its revelaton did come at the cost of everyting else so yeah...

Parents Is god fucking awful. I mean in truth it’s kind of incredible. I’ve got the best pair imaginable on my team but it’s the resignation that kills my heart of hearts. There is no more expectation of hope or action. No drive or threats. Just plain shoulder shrugs and even that i deserve but when I finally figred it out it floored me. I have no idea baout their intentions or plans anymore. I’m completely out of the loop for the whole family it seems and I’m jsut waiting for the announcement of the intervention or the move out order or the random cash giveaway to get rid of me, I don’t even know but if not for mom I’d have been kicked out long ago. That’s pretty much a certainty and that “mothering” thing is startign to show both it’s calue and its problems. It’s far too comfortable a place to give up easily especially when you don’t bother to be really self aware. But here we are typing the things out. That’s ...a thing.... That they’ll never read or know about and that’s ok. 

Brain

Is poop cos I smoked too much but its Ok too. The regeneration process is gonna be a trip of its own. Really uncomfortable and loopy with unexplainable feelings and intuitions but that’s also OK. Better than Ok it’s recovery. The body will will be right there trhrough the process. I’m even interested in things again. Siblings is also a bit fucky. The disappointment is tangible but they’re not allowed to give up yet. We all inherited that one and it does help when i see the glimmers of hope. I don’t feel garbage but it normally starts with e being normal and not being in my head while interacting. Doing that assuming the best thing I used to be so good at. E is over me and kinda frustrated. Very Kev of him. Neez is trying but she has another baby to babysit and care about and I’m a tangential concern at best. The Suicide scare kind of reminded them of my existence in a weird but valuable way but it’s not an angle Im really trying to take. Especially now that I jsut realised what that anrrative ust look like to everyone it was shared withg hand it certainly was with khan which means by extension by the rest of the family. Probably explains strange interations now while i’ve been willfully poblivious and now I have to work to be cool again but it also wont ever be the same again unless someone else fucks up. But that’s a life long journey and doesn’t feel like it has the same urgency as the others. I’m alot more understood than I thought I was and that’s not a bad thing .

Art I’m going to go and make art and eat my girlfriends pussy and that’ll make me feel better and I’m excited for that.

Goodbye old complainy tumblr 

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Lix

When it’s not good anymore. for you. And you’ve finally realized it and we both saw it for what it is as you wept for us and I missed it in the moment a little lost in my little story that was the same old thing again and I failed us and I’m sorry. As you lied to me to save my feelings and you let me go and I’m sorry. I am sick. with the disease of me and I’m sorry i’ve been sick this long I’ll stop I promise.You made an offering to me again. A burning bush. A sacrifice to a god you brought us to and I’m sorry. My heart hurts and I can’t even cry. Too numb. I’ll be numb again in an hour and then many more thanks to the gift you handed over with all the magnificence your tragedy could allow and then begged me off for peace from the torment of my presence I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. As I know I finally can’t allow myself to be the anchor you guilt over anymore. Weightless

You and everyone around me needs my weightlessness or drive. No pull. I’m hurting you all so much. I’m hurting you so much. This one is gonna hurt the most. Out of all the others, and it’s the worst because I know it’s my fault.

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Rest in one piece, KissAnime

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KissAnime walked so that other websites could run

No matter what we say about KissAnime, we always went back to it when our usual streaming site got taken down.... now KissAnime itself got taken down.

RIP KissAnime and KissManga, thank you for all these years

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Unsightly

with complements of a subaru mirror

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Osmosis

doesn’t work. There I said it. Though that was never really in question was it. I guess I am a writer because that’s what I came back to first. Breaking the seal as it were on a long and honestly unnecessary sabbatical. It’s a simple enough trap to fall into. Blending the days into one in an attempt at routine and instead building a continual, self aggrandizing, martyred, self conscious, anxiety stricken, lethargic, ineffective ,unfocused and jaded kinda jumble of things combined with the extensively explored alternate theories based on prior experience; The result is the same. We’re a bit of a fuck-up at the moment. Years counting now actually. I have to do his whole writing out of the thing, It’s good regardless of state because if nothing else there aren’t any other outlets I’ve left myself are there? A good old right fashioned mess. And ironically a mess of such suburban mediocrity that hurts in its own right. Unsightly.

There aren’t any targets for these anymore. No dears and because of this and that’s. Just me at least in my mind unloading a few untasteful unseemly things on me that I’ll repudiate a bit later by action which is the issue in question at hand and primarily dont you think? I’m smoking too much weed gahdammit. That’s the whole damn story innit? It’s me. I don’t wanna do shit else sometimes especially when I’m here, reasons aside it’s me. I can’t even help but still slip in a little vindication. Terrible.  Unsightly.

To self flaggelate at a post looks so terrible in post but remember clearly oh future me how I am. How I was. How I can be still if I let myself do these things again. These issues of “morality” vs what I know to be true in my heart of hearts. That the me with that heart can still be this lame. I have to literally WORK at it. It’s something every day. It’s one thing even if it’s writing far later than I should have. I’m still scared of this page even now and it unnerves me that the words don’t have the same panache, or rather, that they still do. It used to all be so easy. 

That’s the trick of it. The easy bait doesn’t get you ready.

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Scars/To the new Boyfriend: Rudy Francisco

Part One: Scars One If I could, I would nail these hands to the edges of stars. I would sacrifice this body to the sky hoping to resurrect as someone spiteful enough to not care about you anymore. Two Staple me to a cross. Pierce my side with a broken promise, and I will bleed all the crippled reasons why you deserve one more chance. Three Loving you is the last thing that I felt really good at. Four You wanna know how I got these scars? See I ripped every last piece of you out of my smile. Five I whispered you stardust. Six I spoke you into sunflowers. Seven I dipped my hands in forever. I touched you infinity. Treated you as if you were the last molecule of oxygen inside of a gas chamber. I was good to you. Eight You wanna know how I got these scars? See I swallowed my pride, and then it clawed its way out of my mouth. Nine I realized that I was never really your boyfriend. I was just your fucking hype-man. Ten I hope your next boyfriend gets smallpox. Ten Yes I said smallpox. Ten I hate you. Ten But I still miss you. Ten And a part of me still loves you. Ten It's hard for me to count when I get emotional. Ten I heard that over ninety percent of human interaction is non-verbal so [Pause] Ten If I could, I would tie your arms to a daydream and then auction you off to my fondest memories. Part Two: To the New Boyfriend To the random dude who started dating my ex-girlfriend two days after we broke up - yes, I saw that shit on Facebook. Now when I realized that you were in a relationship with the girl that I thought I would someday spend the rest of my life with, I walked outside, I said to myself "There is no way Ashton Kutcher is gonna catch me off guard." I waited 45 minutes. And then I realized that there hasn't been a new episode of Punk'd in damn near four years. So I guess I'm the only practical joke in this entire situation. One The first time I saw you and her in a picture I wanted to take my entire arm, shove it inside of the computer and snatch the happiness right off of your face. Two If I ever see you in the street, I'm probably gonna punch you in the throat. Three I apologize in advance. And I know, I know that it makes no sense to have this much anger towards a man that I've never actually met face-to-face. But, my definition of love is being robbed in an alley eight times in a row and hoping there is something about today that makes all of this different. There is nothing logical about cutting off the most important parts of yourself and then putting them inside of hands that shake, that tremble, that crack like a Haitian sidewalk. Four There is nothing rational about love. Your love stutters when it gets nervous, your love trips over its own shoelaces. Love is clumsy, and my heart refuses to wear a helmet. Five Cupid is fucking irresponsible and I'm tired of him using me for target practice. Six I was told that time would heal all wounds. But what exactly do you do on days when it feels like the hands on your clock have arthritis? Seven She always wore her heart on her sleeve. So tell me then, why the hell do you look so familiar? Eight I think I've seen you somewhere in her smile, like I've heard your voice in her laughter, like I've smelled your cologne her thighs. I bet if we dusted her heart for fingerprints we would only find yours. Nine I have this envelope, it's full of all the butterflies I felt the first time she relaxed the Velcro on her lips and smiled in my direction. I think most of them are still alive. I guess these belong to you too.

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There will be nights like this

Oh there will be nigh like this. There are marathons of them ahead. I will live through those too. There are no complaints. No L’s. They’re the same as the ones before. I’m just wiser and it’s funny how wisdom means more and more while still being less with each year. 

There will be nights like this and it will be ok then too. I almost hurts to believe it. Almost. Also this tattoo is fucking beautiful. My feelings aroundit lierally have their own development cycle. Wild. Happy Valentines day.2020.

Fuck off and go work on something incredible.

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If you’ve ever believed in me

I’m sorry. It’s a special kind of cowardice to issue that apology here on a platform where noone will probably  see it but considering the incredible social cost it would incur posted to any other platform, I’ll hold that white-feather L.  It’s not self pity either. At least this time. It’s just a nice pure untainted disappointment with the self. I know how and where and when I failed and as justified as my reasons or excuses my be, they remain irrelevant because adult, full tilt rules apply now. They have been for a while all while I’ve been coasting on teenage equity as if those things matter and I REFUSE to be someone who fucking peaked in high school.I have to start living at some point and the tutorial has lasted for way too long now.  ALL THE RULES APPLY. All that training and learning and conditioning has not been for nothing. All the small things are but excuses. Nothing is nothing. Work is work. Progress is progress. There is optimization but it’s minimal at best and that goes for everyone. Everything in my life is dedicated to having me do less and now, while taking those consequences into consideration i can apply at full strength. Full potency for result. There’s no more time for conjecture on what I think is possible for me or methods. You can see the size and shape of this rant from pretty far away but I had to put it down at some point. But that applies to all the things i have to apply myself to.  And so it has been written 

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Growth

I’m in love with someone and I’m (mostly) leaving them alone because more than any of the others before her, She really needs to be free. It’s not about me

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It’s just life

And it happens in the absurdist little moments between all the titanic events that move our being. It’s the chance encounter with an angel from your past on the way home from work when you’re looking your worst. That’s the magic. I really really wish I never saw you again but you’re here in “my” home and it should be uncomfortable but I’m a little more of a cunt than I was so it’s Ok. No ego’s, no hurtful words, No manipulative underhanded gestures just to stick it at you. Nothing. The soul just knows. Something in my gut stirs and the wind changes and I just know, you know? 

They’re gonna worry and that’s fair, they should.But this isn’t about them. 

It’s me. We’ve come full circle(ish) Back at the starting blocks from 2 years ago when it all fell apart. I’ve grown because typically I’d be so disappointed at my lack of progress but I also know what it took to get ME here. Lots and lots of recovery after gang gang suffering and loneliness. 

So now, I can escape or I can move. I’m being dared to move again. My recovery is over. The discomfort begins. The fear. The pain. We’re back whether we like it or not 

Sincerely You know who the fuck it is. This one ain’t that soppy

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I meant it

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Scott Uminga  -  http://www.scottuminga.com  -  https://twitter.com/scottuminga  -  https://vimeo.com/scottuminga  -  https://www.facebook.com/scottuminga.fans  -  https://society6.com/scottuminga  -  https://es.pinterest.com/scottuminga  -  https://www.artstation.com/artist/scottuminga  -  https://ca.linkedin.com/in/scottuminga

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Breakfast 

lips of peach flesh and thick strawberry jam,                                                 

eyes of burnt coffee and late summer’s honey,

skin of soft mango peel and orange rinds. 

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I’m so in love with them

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Big Sur Coast, December | By Angus Molyneux