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How to Become a Freelance Writer

Are you tired of living with your parents and ignoring emails from FedLoan? Have you been "Working on a Podcast" for two years now? When you tell people you're a writer, do your friends occasionally voice the realization that they've never actually read anything you've written?

Dude. Me too.

I've been a freelance writer for ten minutes now and nobody asked my opinion on this topic but that's only because they haven't had the chance. So if you're ready to hear some practical, ready-to-apply advice, read this post by experienced mommy blogger Elna Cain.

If you're stalling because you're afraid to put yourself out there emotionally and professionally, let's do this.

1. Write a bunch of fan fiction that no one will ever see.

Mimicking the voices of people who followed their dreams and succeeded is one of the best ways to start a bunch of stories that you'll never have to finish. It's also a great way to waste time on work you'd never be caught dead sending to a publisher unless your name is Stephenie Meyer, E. L. James, or Cassandra Clare.

You may even get a sick thrill from going back to your old stories and seeing that HexOnTheBeach09 is beside herself that you never wrote another chapter. She'll never know what happens after Luna Lovegood publicly declares her love for Dobby in order to show Ron and Hermione that it's not so hard to share your feelings. As the mysteriously MIA author, you may know exactly what hijinks would have ensued but, for Merlin's sake, don't upload that final chapter. You're too old for that baby stuff.

2. Post detailed analyses of popular movies and television on Facebook.

This is your chance to remind everyone from high school that your BA in screenwriting means that you're still destined for great things even though you currently do administrative work for your parents' medical practice. Your move to LA that you bragged about publicly may have fallen through after that miraculously-won meeting with that big-time tv producer ended up making you feel sexualized, objectified, and dejected. 

But the #metoo movement is coming for that guy and in the meantime, you can contemplate what it means to be a badass feminist who doesn't let a man get in the way of her dreams and goals.

3. Spend twenty minutes writing the perfect tweet, then delete it.

Any writer will tell you - Twitter is where you'll find jobs, it's where you can showcase your ability to get your point across succinctly, it's where presidents are made. Twitter is a necessity and there's nothing you can do about it so suck it up and shoot for at least five shareable nuggets of content a day and if that seems like a lot, then you clearly don't have anything to say.

If you're worried about making a mistake, don't. Nobody's actually reading your tweets. 

Follow me! @iamtheintiate.

4. Let your friends and family know what you're up to.

They may have a paid gig for you and you may be able to get a testimonial out of it but probably you've been trying so hard to look like you absolutely love your current life and job that they're going to be a little surprised you're asking them for help. That's ok. Push through. The more embarrassing it is to start a new life, the less likely it is that you'll chicken out down the road. And if nobody responds? ....Yeah, that sucks.

5. Develop a meditation habit.

Ok this one's a little complicated. If you were a child worshiper of the American Media Machine which told you your entire life that meditation is silly and spirituality is nuts, your journey to coming around to mindfulness techniques may have been a whole thing. Certain truths had to be learned, unlearned, and rearranged before you could become open to that kind of thing. I mean, everybody thinks that Cory always loved Topanga but he sure didn't show it until she stopped being all weird and new-agey. And Yoda was all about being open-minded until it came to having feelings. 

To sort out this mess, it helps to have a mother who doesn't question her spirituality for a minute. One day, she'll have a vision of an ancient goddess who tells her to bring you to Egypt. She'll drag you down the Nile with a group of astrologers and self-proclaimed shamans who do rituals at the ancient temples that are far outside your comfort level. You'll think your mother is insane and you'll hate her, hate her, HATE her for half the trip. Then one morning, you'll be sitting outside the Temple of Philae, watching the sun rising over the Nile. Long, moving shadows will drift across the hieroglyphs that were carefully carved into the wall behind you a thousand years before Jesus was born. You'll hear the Call to Prayer echoing over the water from a half a dozen mosques. Suddenly, you'll feel something deep in your soul...

A certain... connection. To something ...greater.

Eventually, many of the people you're traveling with will approach you individually and reveal that they used their meditation time to actively send you all their love and you'll have to admit that maybe they're not so crazy because you felt it.

So explore this side of yourself by downloading a meditation app like Insight Timer or Calm. It'll help with all the rejection and disappointment you're about to embark on but it'll also keep you focused and help you get to sleep at a reasonable time.

I love you, Mama.

5. Come up with a gimmick.

You can't do fake "How-To" articles. That's my thing now. I pissed all over this tree, nobody's ever done it before, and now it's mine. Find your own thing. 

6. Build a blog and/or website.

Is it the most beautiful blog and/or website you've ever seen in your whole life? Then you're not ready to put yourself out there yet. People need to see it and think, "What magic have I stumbled upon?! This person is the next Hamilton!" It should remind them of something treasured from their childhood that they forgot. It should bring back scent memory of their favorite lover. 

The longer you work on that website and/or blog, the less chance there is for you to try at something and fail, so feel free to take your sweet time.

Feel good?

I don't know about you, but I feel pumped. I'm totally ready to start thinking about considering getting started and I hope you are too. If you enjoyed this post, be sure to reblog it, tweet it, pin it, insta-it, snap it, reddit, and share it on Facebook. I'd ask you to send it to any paying employers you know, but I think we're all in the same boat here.

Love you.