inknandy

[inknandy]

maybe in time

i hope you'd eventually find a home for yourself. a home that feels warm and welcoming.

[inknandy]

and today, i grieve. still.

[inknandy]

i hope things tire me out soon

broke down again today, as if my emotional well-being has become accustomed in crying my heart out every night. i wonder if my system will soon fail me or it just doesn't get tired anymore.

there's no such thing as a "good cry" for me either. whether i'm alone or not, i always feel the need to suppress my sobs. as if every corner of the room would tell me off to everyone.

having to deal with heavy emotions every living day is too draining. i hope being lonely won't make me feel indifferent anymore.

[inknandy]

things are not falling into its right places for now, but maybe, somewhere along the gentle traces of the sky, your message was received. 𝘴𝘢𝘧𝘦𝘭𝘺 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘴𝘰𝘶𝘯𝘥𝘭𝘺.

[inknandy]

Flowers don't grow overnight so does how it takes leaves to wither

Cloudy day, bashful sun, grimy skies.

Laughters? short-lived, so are her fantasies.

Wandering mind, scribbled thoughts, outcries;

She grows like a tree, but sadly resists.

Bubble that’s so capable of shining;

To be buoyant, glistening, but serene.

Gazes once were wondrous and breathtaking.

Now dull yet sharp, colorless yet so keen.

And at the backyard, there grows her wisdom;

To wait ’til spring, eyes at rest, fall begins.

Wilted leaves, broke a fire on top of them.

There blooms a vibrant flower of daydreams;

It delicately lost its existence;

To plant new seeds… and grow differently.

[inknandy]

If a heart is hesitant to grieve

A simple stroll at the beach is probably enough to fill the gaps that loosen your fortress. To walk on barefoot — feeling the soft texture of the sand — until your soles are about crack from the roughness it brings over time. To grab a worn out blanket, and spread it across the inconsistent sand surface. To breathe in the familiar and gentle breeze that comes along in different directions. To listen to the sound of gushing waves that somehow resonate with every beat of your heart. To bring out a book— or perhaps, a wine to keep you company while awaiting your favorite time of the day: when the sun finally meets the ocean. 

Maybe, just maybe, taking a morning walk would fulfill the breather you always long for. To jog in between the cool wind that grazes your skin. To catch your breath while trying to go over a steep hill. To stop amidst your continuous heavy steps just to savor the the moment of witnessing Mr. Sun slowly peeping its way through the dark, clear skies. To watch along with the chirping birds on the sight of the sun finally rising from its sleep.

There are a few reasons that hinder one’s heart from collapsing, and one of which is pretty much because it still can’t take the heaviness it weighs. Maybe it’s not a bad thing— to let yourself temporarily drift away from the emptiness you ought to feel. 

It’s not a bad thing— if the burst of emotions is put on the back burner.

You have your own momentum to follow, that’s for sure.

If a life is destined to end one day, then maybe, grief also comes when you’re ready to do so.

When the heart is still hesitant to grieve, then breathe. Gently and slowly.

[inknandy]

maybe i long for your soul

in any time of the day,

when the sun meets the ocean

and wave my hand from afar.

i will run to your place

as your brightest beam catches me.

i will greet you with my most precious light

with my easy heart.

[inknandy]

01:10:36

"what were you thinking?"

i was abruptly lost in trance after being disturbed by you. a lot of things has been invading my mind lately and you could probably guess one of it. it's ridiculous how you always understand my selfish perspective and now that we're alone together, it bothers me for some reason— but i chose to drink with you tonight anyway, and regardless of your invitation, i know i'd end up being drunk with you tonight. i accidentally hit the empty bottle which made a loud clank on your wooden floor, causing me to once again, get back on my senses. your soft, deep giggles resonated in the entire living room, leaving me to unconsciously stare as you let out your laughter. little things really do satisfy you.

"you look so out of it," you muttered as i watched your hands slowly approaching my face. i came to realize in a jiffy that your cold, wet palms are already cupping my cheeks. my mind completely went blank and i could feel my heart insanely palpitating as if i drank a gallon of caffeine. the coldness i physically felt seemingly got me numb and lethargic. a weirdly comfortable yet heart-fluttering silence encompassed the both of us. for a moment, it felt like the world only revolves around us two,

then i figured how my thoughts about you intoxicate me more than this strong whiskey.

[inknandy]

00:00:58

i visited the spot where i was last left off with genuine joy. heavy rain came to greet me on such a lovely day as i thought. despite the unfortunate weather, i did not think of leaving immediately. as i let myself get drenched by the sea along with the heavy rain, you suddenly tried to lend me an umbrella. it's quite absurd to offer a person an umbrella who's clearly already drenched in the rain. i brushed it off numerous times with an unapproachable manner yet you still insisted for me to take it. you were, as well, wet from head to toe. i wondered why you chose to lend me your umbrella when you obviously needed one, too. i didn't say a single word, my curious glances were enough for you to catch up with my thoughts. "it seems like you need it more than i do," you said with such annoying bright grin. how could he afford to smile during this time? as you walked away in the middle of the heavy, loud pouring rain, i unconsciously called out for you, "you need it, too." and just like that, in a split of seconds, we found ourselves hovering under the same umbrella and slowly walked together on the wet sand as our shoulders brushed against each other, side by side.

[inknandy]

It hurts me when I see you smile.

pH-1 // Like Me

[inknandy]

“Awake… But at what cost.”

Photos by kikoalan23