insidethesewallz-blog

[insidethesewallz-blog]

IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT A man (and I use that loosely in this reference) can lust after the appearance of a woman if she was dressed in a chicken suit. He could demonize and objectify her if she had on a robe or baggy clothes with no visible contours because of the sick nature of his mind. See, ladies it's never an issue of what you as a grown woman wants to wear or how you wear it. You deserve to wear and appear how you want to. That is your right. Most people in our society feel as if you wear things to accentuate the body that you so diligently worked for through diet, exercise, yoga (surgery if need be) that you indeed ask for the lewd behavior that is given to you. I'm hear to tell you there is nothing further from the truth. It's not what you have on that is the problem, it is what lies in the mans heart that is the real and true problem.... Have you ever felt: that you were the sole cause of a man disrespecting you? Felt like you caused him to hit you? Felt like somehow you were attacked in an inappropriate sexual manner and it was your fault? Felt that if you wouldn't have wore some revealing clothes or bootie short that you wouldn't have led someone to grope you? Felt like maybe you deserve the treatment that you receive because you are unworthy of love and happiness? Well, it's not you and it's not you fault!!! Are you really content with abuse, loneliness, objectification, disrespect, and violent acts perpetrated against you because you have convinced yourself you don't deserve better? I'm here to tell you that YOU DESERVE BETTER! Will you keep making excuses....will you? It's not your fault.... think of this concept if you will and let it marinate in your mind. Men are born from women. FACT. You are cared for (in most cases) loved and nurtured by a woman. FACT. That very same woman is the woman that carried you for nine months and suffered through all sorts of pain for you.  FACT. A woman is the reason you are here. FACT. That very same woman, your mother, is the woman you love and appreciate before you ever experience another woman in your life. FACT. So where and how did we as men get lost in translation???? I think it's internal. Like most hate, self-hate, self depreciation, and bigotry it is acquired and learned. It is instilled upon us and is hard to get rid of. That is if you don't attempt to or try to erase the negativity it breeds. They say it takes a village to raise a child. I agree wholeheartedly with this. So why do we not apply this? Why don't we use this method in this day in time like they did in earlier generation? Teach our kids, our young men a healthy respect and appreciation for our women. Teach love. Prepare our young girls for life with a good honest man so they don't look for love inside some hollow shell of a man. She'll never fall for the games of some trifling dickhead if she knows how to identify love from the start. If you allow yourself to live in an environment of abuse and you have young children in that household they will see that abuse as normal. The will probably reciprocate that same behavior when they get older or allow it to be perpetrated upon them. We as people need to be better, Our kids are our future. We have to change the behavior and patterns they see to ensure they move forth in a positive manner in their future. Women you are the most beautiful creature in God's creation. You were made to be loved. You are that gold at the end of the rainbow. The sunshine after a storm. The melody that the birds chirp that awakes you in the morning with a smile. You are the peace that flows within ones spirit. You are phenomenal. So if a man doesn't want to treat you the way he is supposed to then that's on him. Not you! Leave that situation and be with someone who praises and cherishes you. Allow a man, a real man to show you what love is truly about. If a man treats you as if you are not worthy of love or as a trophy, arm candy, and object, remember that it is not your fault. His heart and mind is sick. He is the one with the problem, not you.   Do not ever let anyone steal your shine. You are a beautiful, intelligent, a queen that deserves to be loved and respected properly. I am worthy. Every morning you wake up you should chant that in the mirror before you move out into the day. I AM A BEAUTIFUL, INTELLIGENT QUEEN THAT DESERVE TO BE LOVED AND RESPECTED PROPERLY. I AM WORTHY

[insidethesewallz-blog]

Serenity

She spoke

her melody penetrated the depths of my being

to define her incandescent smile

'brisance'

incinerated my composure

in turn transformed my confidence

into shyness.....

Reddish flames trails the roots of her mane

Eyes glittering of emerald and gold

one look, I drown

my heart racing and beating

rapidly out of control....

To say I'm not immersed

in admiration and captivated

I'd be an all 'out-liar'

because when she looks at me

and our eyes meet

there's something within her essence

that is saccharine sweet

it literally sets my soul on fire....

Intoxicated by her quintessence

in desperate need of sobriety

humble

down to earth

I receive serenity from  her presence

she slays the demons

that are my anxiety....

I appreciate her candidness

how she treats me so humane

in a world were I am

dehumanized

demonized

she gave me the courage

to refrain from entertaining the pain

that I have sustained

[insidethesewallz-blog]

DESENSITIZED  It's been a while peeplez... I've been on "Vacay." Where you say? St. Tropez! And what I mean by that is I been locked up in this d@#$ cell for the last week going out my mind over some senseless violence. Honestly, it's sad. People can not resolve issues by using their intellect. And it's sad that I am numb to it. I was in the chow hall eating some barely edible spaghetti and it got dead quiet. Momentarily. Then there was the shuffle of noise and people moving everywhere and then the Co's running in to stop it. I wasn't in my immediate proximity so I didn't see it all or move. I just looked up and seen it was a fight and kept on eating. Uninterested and completely desensitized. I've seen so much violence in my time inside. so many stabbings, so many fights, heard sexual attacks that I'm numb. I don't have feeling about it anymore. In the beginning it was very awkward living in an environment where you could get: your head busted or stabbed over sitting in the wrong chair, turning the TV to a different channel, snoring to loud at night, cutting in the lunch line or any line for that matter, or borrowing a noodle and not giving it back. Violence became the norm and it's so prevalent in my life. I got to the point that I wanted to see a good fight. I wanted it to be knock down drag out and bloody if I knew that I was going to be locked in a cell for a week or better. No shower, eating peanut butter sandwiches for breakfast lunch and dinner. Me sleeping with another grown man in my immediate space, we both smelling like mule a$$ cause of bird baths and just basically irritated because we are around each other in a confined space for 24 hours with no time to decompress. And if the fight wasn't good you'd hear others express the same sentiment, "Man that shish was weak!" You felt robbed in a sense. It's like if you're going to spend time in the cell you wanted entertainment. Then you'd dash to get a bunch of cups of ice and hot water. Why was I wanting someone to be hurt, possibly seriously, for my entertainment? I felt conflicted. I felt horrible. That's not who my mama raised. I was ashamed. I began to think, "What's happening to me?" It was like the Roman Era again. I was front row in an Amphitheater watching gladiators (Not that I'm that old) brawl. I wasn't even in prison anymore. I was in a dimension of savagery. Watching people fight to the death if the Co's didn't get to them in time. How did this become my world? This isn't normal. This isn't how life is supposed to be....... Some days, I'll be honest, it's hard to even muster up the energy to get out of bed. It's hard to find a reason to put my feet on the floor. It's hard to draw up a source of happiness to keep driving this perilous road. I sometimes sit and go into this world no one lives in but me and I cry inside from pent up rage. I don't know why or how but it infuriates me and makes me want to lash out. But I don't. I know better. I want to achieve my goals. I want to see my son and teach him how to be a man. I want to love a woman, please he and pleasure her. I want to spend time with my parent, listen to my mom fuss at me about nothing, fish with my dad. I feel like Tantalus, I'm constantly reaching but never able to grasp what I truly desire. I rarely meet people these days that are worthwhile. A few. Occasionally, I meet people that I wish I met years past. I wish I'd met them because this person uplifts me, gives me advice and feedback and criticism all in 1 session  { ;0) wink} I feel grateful not only for them but for all who walk this journey with me and believe in me. I feel appreciative for the insight I receive from everyone. I love that I can talk to my support team and they can bring light into a world of darkness. A person or persons who I can consider not only a friend, but family. A beacon of hope. Then their are the ones that are outside of this place that support me unconditionally and I can never thank enough for that. But they're also the one who don't and voice their love and concern but words mean nothing in here, it's actionable intent that gets me through. I love the people who take my heart and mind out of this monstrosity of a world that I live in. That keeps me level and not on the path to dehumanization that most conform to because of the continual treatment the constantly receive on a day to day basis. A person that intercepts the negativity and infuses me with hope and positive energy. (Shortstop) Cut it off and never let it get to me, never let my mind veer towards the pain and suffering. I hold onto that as I fight to climb out of this deep well of emotional obscurity. It's like someone tapping their spoon on that d@#% teacup initiating a trigger in my mind. I'm forever falling into this abyss, "The Sunken Place" looking up and I can't (Get Out) {Shout out to Jordan Peele!} It's a constant fight, but I will never let this place defeat me... I'm strong, like my father taught me to be. But I'm going to need some help. So I enlist you all to pitch in where you can. I thank you in advance for any effort you give me. I hope that my words are always enjoyable, good or bad, and that you get something out of it. Take care everyone and have a wonderful day!!!! Marcelle

[insidethesewallz-blog]

TODAY

Well, today was a very slow day for me. I was locked in the cell all day since they had Officer appreciation week. They did tours and the families of officers came to tour the jail. so I had that monkey in the cage feeling. Hey look at the animals... only there was no flinging of Poo..lol... Jail is something else, but you know what, I always make light of the situation because it's such a horrible feeling and experience I live everyday. And it makes me very bitter and emotional at times and I know I'm not always the best person, but I appreciate everyone that talks to me, send things to make me smile and those who support me. sometimes I can be a lot to deal with, and sometimes I can be an encouraging and inspirational dude, but all In all I love all of my family and my friends and I'm blessed to have every single one of you. If you never lived this life you may never understand the hold that it can have over you. You may never understand the vast change it play upon your mind. I'm strong, because my mother and father, and second dad and a few instrumental people taught me to be so... But I can't always be strong. Sometimes I falter in that. Sometimes I'm very weak and I need help. I may not be the person I need to be but this place takes a toll on you. It's unnatural. I mean I walk around in a place where ignorance is welcomed and encouraged. Sexual immorality is celebrated. Violence is prevalent and often carried out for no good reason. I don't mean to bring despondence to anyone's day, but It's a an explanation and a journey through my neighborhood without actually riding around. You are taking a trip through my world. Understand that I try hard to be better and to be the person many people need me to be, but I don't always succeed and I don't want you to be disappointed in me when ?I can't. i love you all and hope this sheds light on my life. I appreciate those who believe in me. Especially the one who believed in me one no one did and gave me access to my dream... I appreciate those who write letters, send cards and pictures, emails, anything makes my day because it's from you all...so always know that I'm grateful and appreciate you. Take care and to you all...have a great day and night...

[insidethesewallz-blog]

SHORTSTOP: PLAYING THE FIELD 

Her name was first base. I was excited by the thought of her. Tonight would be  our first date. Dinner was pleasant so we ventured home since it was getting late. As we approached the sensual darkness of my place, we locked eyes, face to face.

I took her into my arms and we embraced. I was given the privilege of her sweet tongue as a sample of her taste. But it was simply unsatisfying.... So a few days later, I met second base. Now she was impressive to the eyes. Long shapely legs and immaculate thighs. Killer curves. But she was so materialistic. Every time we went out, she expected me to splurge. She talked only of herself. And oh man could she talk. She talked and talked and talked... and honestly she was getting on my damn nerves.

 I chilled out on the dating scene for a couple of weeks. The dating scene to me was beginning to be kind of bleak. I decided to go out for a bite to eat. And I just so happened to run into her. Green eyes, freckles, mocha skin and all dimples. Her name was, Catcher. It was just my dag on luck that as cute as she was, she was a cold weirdo. A cluck. She had this weird and unhealthy obsession with doing things with ketchup. She'd literally put ketchup on everything. But I had all I could take when she tried to ketchup on my ding-a-ling. (Talkin' bout foreplay) SMH.

Discouraged, I tried to date outside of my race. I found this foreign hottie by the name of third base. But I came to realize that everything about her was just fake. I like a natural woman. That was all I need. Name it, she had it: Fake hair, nails, eye lashes, butt, nose, and boobs. I went to hang up my jacket and she had a closet full of fake purses, coats, and shoes.

(Dru- butons) The girls even had fake knees, (where they do that at?) She wore way too many wigs, even her pet poodle had weave.

That was when I made up my mind. No more random hook-ups. I explored the option of dating online. I downloaded the new and fresh dating APP. Did up my profile and began to chat. I ran across these triplets who like to swing. I thought, "What the hell," and swiped left. We hit it off and a day latter we a met. The doorbell rung and I took off in flight. Had to make sure all my dirty clothes were put up. Candles: check Wine: check Rubbers: check "Clap, Clap" I dimmed the lights. In they sauntered At first glance of their sky high heels and micro mini skirts, I thought, "This was going to be one long adventurous night."  

"I'm Center, and this is Left and Right!" That's how they introduced themselves. When they spoke and I seen them teeth, I was like, "Whoa" and then my eyes stung from their breath. I was polite and still cooked. We ate. Then I'm shame to say I faked a stomach ache. I yawned, "Huuuuuh, well, it's getting late. Let me clean up your plates." I got them their shoes on and had al of their asses up out of there by eight! I'd had of every form of dating, so I decided to stop. And that was when I met her, my walking dream. My gift from heaven. Her name was Shortstop.

Shortstop is: Beautiful and intelligent. Her smile lights up the morning sky. She is my horizon and rainbow; a natural beauty.

She makes me smile when I'm down. She makes me laugh when I feel sad. She makes my heart beat like a Samoan tribal drum when I hear her voice. Her eyes are like ink black pools of ecstasy, I drown in them without care. She is special in everyway and nothing gets past her. She is the most important person to me, and I feel blessed to feel her passion and love. And I stopped looking, and she appeared and I knew that she was a gift from above. Shortstop is the one destined for my love.

No more playing the field....

I was watching the Women's College World Series and this idea came to me. I decided to combine that concept with the woes of dating and finding the right woman, so i hope you all like it. Take care...Marcelle!

[insidethesewallz-blog]

GOTTA STOP  Pope Francis declared a summit about abuse at the Vatican. To this day from what I read it was the first of it's kind. Now living in this prison this was something that hit home for me. Everyday I am around GUYS that have () sexual offenses. The likes in which you couldn't imagine. I don't treat them any differently. I treat everyone as a human. I'm a black man in America, a felon, so I have no way to judge anyone. I have multiple strikes against me just by those facts alone. But they don't define me. It's only put me in a criteria that makes me have to work harder for what I want. Now, back to my original statement. In this article it was state that some felt like it was about time. I mean you have a church that has been denying any sexual misconduct for years. They've been citing that nothing has been wrong and they don't have an issue at all. I have seen first hand the ramifications of pedophilia. It is a sickness. It is obvious that this issue affects so many lives in our country. Especially if you are a parent. It's a scary thing. I am also around men everyday that brag about pimping hoes. There words not mine. And it's sickening to here their views on women. I read an article about the financier Jeffrey Epstein. He was charged with sexual abusing 26 teenage girls. He held each of them at his mansion. He basically got away with the whole endeavor because they plead him out to 13 months and he was still allowed to go home and work every day... REALLY... It's like you can get away with destroying lives if you got a piece of money. People turn a blind eye to things in this country. It's sad. We always seem to hide things. Is it shame or callousness? I know in my family they are very secretive and it's because they want to shelter us from pain or situations. Honestly I always thought of it as a hindrance because I could have handled the situation just fine. I may have wanted to know if a love one is sick. what is I wasted valuable time not knowing and lost out on precious moments. Who is to say what is right and what is wrong when it comes to the pain inflicted on others. I've witnessed sexual trafficking in Korea & Japan, it wasn't pleasant once I thought of the effects it had on women. I had a good friend name Julia. She was Russian. She came to Korea under the pretenses that she'd be teaching kids. But when she got there she had been sold in to sexual slavery. What they call a "Drinkey Girl" and she had a contract that was virtually impossible to pay back. Every time they bought her lip stick, make-up, thongs, bras, heels, they added to her debt, so every time she made money from clients, she was paying on the debt she incurred that week and never even touching the contract. I used to buy her drinks' just to talk to her, she was gorgeous. We never had sex, I paid to take her out to eat once. We had a night on the town and it was nice. Now, I was 19 so I'm not saying I never tried this experience. I did. I was young, everyone was doing it. But when I met her, I felt so bad, I didn't want to do it again. I saw her as a woman and not a sexual object as she was made to be seen. When you're young you don't have the best guidance from peers, which is no excuse. I was in a country 6000 miles from home and emulated what others said was cool. I was a horny lil boy who wanted to fit i n and met a woman who changed my view. I believe that we should encourage and uplift the giver of life. Cherish out backbones. Praise the rib we gave up to God. Women are a treasure to be loved and admired. Not abused and possessed. They aren't trophies or toys. It's not right to ruin the life of an innocent child. Children are also a gift just as much as women. I mean why do we stand for the actions that are going on in this world, this country. Not saying it's acceptable in a third world country, but this is America and we let it escape or notice. We turn a blind eye.... It's gotta stop

[insidethesewallz-blog]

MOTHER  I want to first say, Mom I love you with all my heart, this is dedicated to you. Secondly, I would like to show my appreciation to all the other mothers as well, so I hope this touches your heart. Enjoy. You deserve it! MOTHER You are the first woman that ever laid eyes upon me. And the first woman I ever fell in love with. You are the first woman I've ever idolized and cherished with all of my heart. You are the sacred blueprint the maps out the type of woman I intend to spend the rest of my life with. You are the "very best" of all best friends. You are the concrete that has been laid that's given me the foundation I have ground to stand on firmly. You are the muscles that give me my strength to carry on every single day. You are my inspiration when all hope is lost. You are the prayer in the middle of the night that keeps me safe. My confidant. My therapist. You are the headache I get when you're fussing about me about leaving a swallow of Bright & Early Orange juice in the carton and putting it back in the refrigerator. (But I appreciate you for it.) You are me Secretary of Defense when anyone thinks that they can mess with your baby boy and stand in your way. You are the extension of me when it comes to rearing my son into being an honorable and respectful man. You are the William Wallace standing in front of a hundred men giving them a 'brave heart' in times of adversity. You are the spark of fire igniting within me, giving me courage to face anything frightening and unknown. You are the Phil Jackson that coaches me to victory when I'm about to fail~ the one who teaches me how to properly respect and treat a woman, and sometimes I may mess it up, but you're there to get me back in the game... What I am simply saying is... you are my mother and you are my everything. I LOVE YOU. HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY!!!! And for all the single mother's out there that give your last and sacrifice: your time, your happiness, your romantic life, your youth, your dreams and your high school shape (loll) to benefit your kids, I applaud you. You give everything so that your kids can have, I honor you. I honor each mother out there, especially the single mother's, because you are a blessing from the creator. A gift to be cherished. Your struggle is real. You struggle everyday just so that your kids don't have to struggle. So that your kids don't face the challenges you did when you were young. You play the role of mom and dad. That in itself is completely amazing. You work, go to school wash clothes, clean, cook, read bed time stories and give bathes and literally have no time for yourself. And when you wake up you have to do it all over again. But I recognize you, I see you, I appreciate you. You do all this so that your kids can have everything a child should. I praise you from the bottom of my heart for that. You are the most important person in your child's life. You are incredible. A gem. Carry that in your heart. You honestly should have a MONTH; not just one single day. I respect you all and encourage you to keep striving to be the best mother you can. I pray that you get that joy and praise on this day. You deserve it more than anyone. I encourage you to never lose her or faith. You are instrumental in your child's development and so important in their life. You are a priceless heirloom the hearts of your kids. And I felt compelled and honored to give you your just due in case anyone neglected to do so. Don't ever feel as if you're alone because God loves you and your kids love you. God blessed them with your knowledge and strength. The are in essence echoes of you. They'll learn who they are to be in life because they are modeled after you. You have to fight for them everyday. When you see that happiness and exuberance in their eyes at every Birthday and every Christmas, know that was "you." You created that sparkle. Cherish that thought. That moment. Be proud. I'm proud of you and just wanted you to know that. You are respected, loved, cherished, honored, praised, and admired and I mean that from the full depth of my heart. So, to you all....HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY!!!!!!

[insidethesewallz-blog]

Safari Ecstasy

My heart is beating heavy, I smell her sweet aroma and know  that she is ready.

I want to give her this monkey love like we’re riding on the Serengeti.

Her eyes roll back, her lids flutter like the wings of an African butterfly my head hovers like a hummingbird under the cover as I fly between her thighs.

I’ve dreamed of slurping the cream like a baby cheetah from her gleaming sweet pie.

I’m tired of fighting the animal attraction and feeling bad for what I want to do.

The truth of the matter is that my subconscious has informed my conscious of this hyena like hunger and I really want to devour you.

So now I’m feasting like a crocodile at the edge of your watering hole driving you wild.

You pull back the covers so you can see my face.

You bite your lip looking so innocent and sweet, but deep down I know that you are a freak.

You run your fingers through my mane and the lion inside is getting harder to contain.

You push my face into your jungle and my tongue stings as this killer bee bumbles 

You start to scratch me like a tiger as my tongue darts at your clit like a viper.

You start to gush like a raging waterfall out of my boxers my anaconda slithers and crawls.

I flip that juicy ass over and you beg to get this king cobra.

You buck like a zebra as I give you this rhino horn.

The way you calling the wild it sounds like some type elephant porn.

I feel your kitty clench around my trunk as you orgasm with glee.

What a ride you have given me as we embark on this safari ecstasy.

[insidethesewallz-blog]

I LOVE TO

I love to get home early to unleash this passionate rage. I have to be there before she arrives, so that I may adequately set the stage.

I love to create ambient ecstasy for the woman of my dreams. My heart, My queen, for she deserves and needs a romantic night of praise.

I love to draw the curtains to extinguish of of the natural light. I'll light aromatic candles scented of Jasmine to give the air a little spice. I must also wash this saddle because tonight, well she will be rewarded the ride of her damn life.

I love to surprise her as she pulls into the yard and see a sign for her at the front door. She saunters up the driveway to read what I have in store. "Take off your shoes before you enter..." She peeks, the door half cracked, cautiously, trembling as if she is shy. Ears attuned in case of danger, but relaxes when she hears the sensual melody of Jill Scott's "All I".

I love to watch her hungrily from a distance, in suspense. Hear the gasp that escapes from the exhalation of breath, the feeling for me is exhilarating and intense. See the shock in her eyes as she's captivated by the candles' warm glow. Feel the fire sizzling inside of my loins as I drink in her deliciousness from head to pedicured toes.

I love to watch as you disrobe your work clothes. Your blouse, bra, and skirt, but your La Perla panties you fold. Luxurious, silken skin glowing like a solar flare. I almost lose my freaking mind when you cup your succulent breast and toss that long pretty hair.

I love to watch as your foot dips into the bubbles and breaks the surface of the bath that I ran. I love the pristine gap of your thighs leading to paradise when you stand. I bite my lip at the width of your breathtaking hips as you sit and into the water your plump ass dips.

I love to watch you work that loofah, see the suds sliding sensuously down the deep valley between such luscious breast. As soon as you step from the tub dripping wet with that pumpkin heavenly fresh, there I step, lower to my knees, I begin my cunnilingual caress.

I love to put both legs over my shoulders as you grab helplessly at the shower rod. My tongue slithers around inside your jungle and you squeeze my head like a python. I hear staccato signs and moans of "O-oh, m-my G-God!!"

I love to continually attack your femininity with absolutely no reprieve right after you climax. Lower you onto this tee, hit it with my 9 iron and get a hole-in-one. Beat that thang like it's an African drum until the moon is relieved from his nightly duty by the sun. All night kissing, nibbling, licking and making love to you.

I want to work that body like a nine to five. A break, oh no baby, that's nothing that I'll need to do. I'll literally be so deep when I'm inside of you, it'll be as if I'm breathing for you. I love you to give you love that is perfected, sensuous stokes  where we are pleasurably connected by erection affection.

Yeah... that's what I love to do

FOR COMMENTS/CRITIQUES write to: Mario Lesesne 99498555/united states penitentiary/po box 33/Terre haute, in 47808

[insidethesewallz-blog]

SMALLVILLE

I know that I wrote a lot of crazy things, but today I want to take the time to be transparent and share some true emotions with you. 2019 has been a very tough year for me. Living here, in the prison has been such a tumultuous journey and it seems as if it is never ending. Some days are longer than others, and sometimes I feel as if my strength is waning. It's as if I'm Superman in the proximity of Kryptonite. Sometimes in the wee hours of the night, I awake to the pitter patter of the rain. Insomnia is plaguing my brain due to despondence and pain. Wondering in emotional turmoil where art thou Lois Lane.

I get up every single morning to put on my pant, my shirt, and glasses over my eyes. No tights, no cape, see this uniform here is my real disguise. See, everyone expects me to be strong. People here expect me to save them constantly, but what about me??? How can I save myself if I'm constantly rescuing others? If I'm steadily saving you? I look in the mirror with eyes aflame with tears wondering what is it I'm supposed to do? What is my purpose?

They think I got it together when they see me as Clark Kent, not knowing the whole time I'm camouflaging my true intent. I can't leap a building in a single bound. That's never been my agility in this life. Hell, if I could I'd been leapt out to Popeye's Chicken by now and got me a 3 Pc., some Mac n cheese, and a bowl of red beans and rice. I never needed this cape that's been placed upon me. I don't mind being a regular guy,. I love being kind of strong, normal, and sometimes weak. I mean they say that the meek shall inherit the Earth.

I want to be loved. I want to be tender and caring to others. I want to be passion and romantic, please a woman. I don't want to be Atlas and have the whole world upon my shoulder. I'm tired. Mentally and Spiritually. I want to be liberated from this place where people have small amounts of courtesy and respect. There are people in here that are talented and have loads of potential, don't get me wrong. But I can't say that fro the rest of those that reside here. They indulge in violence, larceny, sexual immorality, and thrive on pain and stress. I NEED to get away from this alternate dimension that I'm stuck in. I NEED to be released from this alternate reality, this Twilight zone where many of the residents have small minds & small amounts of aspirations and no will to truly live. So please someone rescue me from this place I live called Smallville.

[insidethesewallz-blog]

Differences

In life there are different types of people. They all have many different emotions, and many types of ways to express those emotions and love. To love is to be blessed with a precious gift. There are also different types of love and many of us that possess various abilities to perform such love. Some of us have the ability to give  love, but then there are some that have absolutely no clue as how to properly receive it back. Some of us can love and give love, understand it for what we think it is and have the ability to do both in perfect harmony. Then there are some that can't do either to save their lives. We just don't have the basic understand of what love is, we also can't love ourselves. You have to love yourself before you can ever love anyone else. In life people are unfortunate often that they want love, want to give and receive it, but they have been abused so much that it scares then when they get it even though they crave it. They misconstrue the abuse for love, the beatings, the sexual misconduct, the verbal lashings, the familiarity of pain from a young age and it gives them a sense of normalcy. But there is nothing normal about being hurt or mistreated. Love is patient and it is kind. They self sabotage. They run as fast and as far as they can and bury themselves in work, family, children, school, alcohol or drugs. Anything to numb the pain and compensate and fill the void they have. Love can be scary, but don't be scared. Accept it, heartbreak is a part of it, a healthy part, it can help you understand it and it can also show you what's wrong and what's right. When you have experienced what people give you, that bullshit they pass off for love, then when you actually are imbued with true love, love in it's purest form, you'll illuminate from the inside out and experience serenity and tranquility. It will transform you. Sometimes you have to go through a storm. After every storm there is a stillness, the sun comes out, everything that was toxic and bad has been washed away. So, if you go through that storm, come out better, more refreshed than you were the first time, but don't' ever give up on love or the ability to possess it and own it.

[insidethesewallz-blog]

Faith

Have you ever been in love or tried to figure out if the emotions you are feeling at the time is really love? What is this strange feeling that is wrecking your brain or tearing through the strings of your heart? I once met someone & had all of these thoughts, all of these feelings. I had fear permeating through me. I  wanted to run as far as the eyes could see. I felt like this was the most alien emotion I could ever have. Then one day I looked down & I saw the head of my son, crowning from his mothers' womb. I felt love. True love. I met a woman years later that allowed me to be who I truly was. A romantic poet that likes to flatter, spoil, pamper, romance, seduce, cook for & protect his woman. I was a man who liked things most guys didn't. I like to decorate the house, I still don't like shopping, LOL, but we can hit the mall for some kick. I like to dress but I don't like to be in the store 4 hours. Thank my mom for that. She ruined me, her & JCPenny sales racks..LMAO I am a man that likes to be himself & I'm comfortable being me. I don't care what people say, don't need to be validated by anyone. I have faith in my Creator & myself. I have faith in my parents, my son, my siblings, my family, & the woman that loves me. I am cool with the life I have. I hate prison, but I've accepted that I'm here for a reason. I have accepted that I need to take this step in my journey to evolve & ascend to a new level of me. I want to be loved, I want to leave a legacy, I want to help people & I shall..... The first time those words dove from my lips, I wasn't even sure that I was sureThen she sweetly reciprocated them back, thus extinguishing my fearsMy heart was fractured once, it was pain--- unexpected, one I couldn't takeShe dropped into my life, I can only believe that it was fate. She heals me, fulfills me. She opens me up like no one ever has before, there's no comparison because she give me hope, faith, love & so much more So, the reality, to me, is that she has completely infiltrated me & man that scares the hell out of me. How could I imagine she'd be so similar to me? Share the same kinds of pain in our past, but overcome it together & work to make this love last. Tortured, alone, my hand outstretched in darkness, the internal beauty she possesses withdrew me, brought me into the light. She opened her heart, shared her pain, what the hell makes anything more important for me not to sacrifice my life to help her fight? Ride or die. Bonnie & Clyde-- however you want to put it, our love want die in this ride. I will stand by her side, support & encourage her to the end of time, I'd even take a bullet. I prayed for her & her kids, think of them every day from dusk till dawn. I went to God & asked him to bless her with the deliverance of her past abuse from her mom. If I could tap into the divine, I would gladly turn back the hands of time, give her the mother's love she struggles with to find. But for now she may think the future is grim, but have "faith" (F)orsaken (A)ll (I) (T)rust (H)im I wrote this 4-27-18 I pulled it out to share with you all. Sometimes, I write things and hold on to them, but I've learned that sometimes you have to give a part of yourself. I always kept my work & my thoughts & my heart to myself, but now I want to share it with the world. So, if any of my work touches you, please feel free to write me a friendly letter & give me your thoughts on it. Mario Lesesne 99498555/ United States Penitentiary/ PO Box 33/ Terre Haute, IN 47808

[insidethesewallz-blog]

I Live a Life

I live a life.... that many can never really understand or relate too. My world and your world is two completely different worlds. Case in point: Let's just say that you are in the line at the theater on a normal Friday night. You see a couple of old friends that you want to say "Hi" to. So, you decide to skip the line and go up to their spot to kick it with them. Now, it could cause a brief argument, it may cause an altercation, but most likely it won't warrant any reaction at all. Now if I cut the line in the chow hall cause I want to halla at on of my homies, the exact same situation and it could cause a stabbing or a beat down at the very least. You live a life where if you borrow $5.00 from your homegirl Keisha, to get a loaf of bread and milk, cause you're living check to check it's no big deal if you don't give it back. I live a life where if I borrow $5.00 from 'Maniac' and don't pay it back I could get "Lifeflighted" the nearest hospital. We don't tell these stories to mom's, baby mom's, girlfriends, wives, family and friends, because of the animalistic nature we live in. We shelter you from the degradation and dehumanization we face on a daily basis. People thrive in this wilderness on ignorance and violence. That belief system could become our new belief system. If we are not strong, then this reality can become our reality and our new way of life. We are no longer the little boys with the snotty noses that climbed trees and giggled when you tickled us. We are no longer the toddlers that you had so much trouble trying to potty train. We are no longer the babies you bathed and had to dodge pee from our L'il wee when we squirted at your face. We are a complete new being. We are now a NUMBER in the eyes of society. No longer a human being, no longer a name. I live a life that is full of desolation and sadness. I live a life full of mind altering situations dues to immense exposure of violence. A life full of ignorance from peers, aggression, peer pressure, coercion to conform to a systems of beliefs we were never taught but expected to follow due to power orientation. This life changes you and not for the better. I live a life where I pee, sleep, & crap all in a 6 feet radius as another man shares the same space and does the exact same things. All while he sleeps 2 feet over my head farting and sleeping in a bunk bed as if we were ten years old. No woman to hold, no pillow to comfort my neck, no comforter to keep me warm, just a blanket made of scratchy material that feels like road kill patched together. I live a life where people make empty promises. A life where people disappear on me whenever they feel like it; whenever they feel like I'm no longer convenient in their life. They continuously hurt me emotionally and fail to realize that I'm a caring, sentient being that needs to be loved, too. I live a life where there is an abundance of intelligence and talent everywhere I look, but will seldom be recognized. The stench of the word "FELONY" overshadows their natural ability and potential that God has given them to be shared with the world. I live a life where people punish us and dehumanize us every single day just because they can. They never take into account that our adjudged sentence for residing in these harsh conditions is our punishment. Taking our freedom is our punishment. Taking us from every human that we love is our punishment. The lack of civilized human contact and the lack of normalcy is our punishment. No, they have to try to make every day we exist a day of hardship and degradation, humiliation, make us feel like scum in every gesture and word. And they do this all because they can. They enjoy it. Blatantly so. And when we don't have "you" our people, to support us, to reach out to when the pain or stress gets too much, to love us, support us, we succumb to that belief system I spoke earlier about. We become worse, then we come home to you worse than we came in on day one. I live this life, but the real question is, could you???

[insidethesewallz-blog]

DESTRUCTIVE BOREDOM PART 2

In the pen we have no release. Limited program with no efficient aftercare programs. No positive male mentor ships. No adequate libraries; I mean we have one, but their isn't any freaking books in there. We have an Inter loan library but out of like 1400 people we can only have 5 a month get books from our local library. You can only have 5 books in your room. It's like you're discouraging me from reading and expanding my mind. Like why would you care if I had a million books as long as I wasn't stabbing and beating on someone. I love to stay in my room and read. It takes me away from here. I enjoy picking up a James Patterson, Nora Roberts, Iris Johansson, Lisa Gardner, Richard Laymon and many other authors just to pass my time. Books on writing novels, business, health and exercise, anything to expand my mind. I read a lot of fiction Novels with Vampires ad werewolves, mysteries, suspense, urban novels. Anything that can take me away from this place, I'm with it. (And you ever want to contribute, all you have to do is order it and use my address as the shipping address ;o) wink... (Mario Lesesne 99498555/ United States Penitentiary/ PO box 33/ Terre Haute, In 47808) In here inmates teach other inmates, but my problem with this is the fact that 9 times out of 10 you just sit in the class and listen to you Mp3 player and jam out and chill. You're not learning nothing cause you don't want to tell another inmate what to do. And most don't want to learn so to you it's just a job you go to, not have passion for. And you are well underpaid. 24 or so dollars to spend a considerable amount a time with people who could care less about there future and you're trying to teach them something professional teachers failed at in their youth when learning is easier. Now this is what takes the cake. You have to be computer literate to take the GED test cause it's on a computer, but wait for it... the damn computer class has no teacher for it so we can't even take it. But that's not it, in order to get in the computer class they want you to have a GED. Now, how can you take a GED class on a computer you don't know how to use if you need a GED to take a class to learn the computer? Is that the most backwards thing you've ever heard?? Once you do get a GED, there really isn't much you can do. There aren't any courses you can take to extend your education and they make it so hard to get financial aid as a felon or prisoner. Most of the time you have to wait until you get to a lower custody to really get serious about your education or programs. An FCI (Federal Correctional Institution) A place where they actually care about your educational opportunities and believe in corrective behaviors. But most of the times with this system it's so hard to get to them depending on your crime. I mean yes, there are some people with bad crimes, but you always need that chance to prove them it's not really who YOU are. Your crime shouldn't define you. They are instances when a person genuinely make a mistake but people rarely get behind you to help you be that positive force you want to be in this world. Not everyone in here is a bad person. There is a lot of talent and character, good hearts, just bad choices. So once you achieve your goals, I.E. Life Connections program or RDAP, Challenge program then you go from a positive environment back to around a bunch of ignorant dummies. People who don't want nothing out of life and are satisfied in the negative surroundings. They thrive in it. They press you to do all the wrong things. Without positive influences you may sometimes revert back to that irrational thinking. You old ways come out due to lack of stimulation and rational thinking, peer pressure and threats of violence. Destructive boredom can be harmful to everything you wanted to achieve and gain. Boredom leads to all sort of counterproductive behavior. We need your support, your love, your faith, your understanding, your stimulation, we need HELP! And that's my main purpose for (Insidethesewallz and Caged Inspirations) to spread awareness and to give us all in here a voice....

[insidethesewallz-blog]

DESTRUCTIVE BOREDOM PART 1

We live in a closed environment. We strive no to let it change us, but the way it's structured it's like it's inevitable. We try to resist the conformity, but inadvertently it does change us. This place is "Oppressive" and "Despondent" Everyday, It's a struggle to even get up out of the bed. What do I really have to look forward to? A day with no mail; A day with a 1 sentence reply email when I wrote the recipient a short novel; No cards that let me know that I'm thought of or saying, "Hey, been thinking about you."; No pictures of family showing me that I'm still thought of and I'm still your family regardless and I'm not FORGOTTEN. It's the same Bull shish on TV. Reruns of Love & Hip Hop, or some Madea movie, or First 48. For the life of me I can't see why dudes want to sit around in jail and watch other dudes tell on people and go to jail. You see jail all around you, SMH. Or listening to dudes argue about which rapper is the realest, or which one is the richest, or which chick on Instagram has the phattest ass or if the ass in question is real or not. Let's not forget the one's who reinvent themselves and live out fantasies about being the biggest dope dealer or jack boy from their hood or city. How they had all the chicks and the finest threads and sat on 28's when 28's hadn't even came out when they where free, LOL, (Get ya facts straight bruh) but these are the dudes that never go to the commissary, have the same Reebok classics from 2011, and never go to visit. But yet they got all the (ho's) in their city. STOP! You begin to lose hope when you are surrounded by so many people that don't have goals or aspirations to be anything. I don't want to be here the rest of my life or be a deadbeat & not leave a legacy. That's unfathomable to me. I often get sad. Become angry, bitter, enraged. No matter how much you want to be a good dude, you have to deal with so much negativity. It begins to get to you. People becoming jealous of your success in programs, dudes trying to fight you cause they know you got a visit and can't afford to mess it up, (cowardice) trying to sleep at night just staring at the ceiling; lonely and in need of affection. Trying to fall asleep when your cellie is snoring like a bear orgasming or a running chainsaw mixed with a Troy built chipper mower. Or worse you hearing moaning in the vents from to men making love hard cause they trying to get one off before the CO's do their rounds. Or the dudes smoking this crazy strain of the mess they call K2 and now they're throwing their guts up cause it made them sick or screaming their brains out. One guy in my unit got bent of this stuff one night and was screaming for like 3 hours while his cellie tried to calm him down. He thought he was a bird. He screams and flew around the cell until they had to bring a chair and strapped him in it and take him away. These are typical days. This isn't counting the violent attacks, beat downs, rapes, stabbings, and robberies. And what is the catalyst for our life as we know it? BOREDOM... The lack of positive stimulation. (To be continued)

[insidethesewallz-blog]

Pain

Have you ever had a debilitating pain inside you so deep that it wakes you at night? Have you ever just sat in the dark & wished you could float away? Sometimes in life it feels as if we can't catch a break or we just have a tornado in our hearts tearing through our emotions. Sometimes there is this velvety blackness crawling over my mind, all is quiet, tree frogs & crickets are sing a chorus that mesmerizes my subconscious. I can make no sense of the melody. There is no light anywhere, just flickers. Nothing is constant; like fireflies floating aimlessly through the sky. I can no longer make sense of certain days, I just hold onto the hope & belief that my higher power will lead me out of this endless tunnel of obscurity & bring me into the light. Often we need some form of strength beyond our own to lead us to salvation. It could be anything, but as long as it helps you, then i think you should hold on to that hope. I also think that we as people these days put to much of our life out there, there is no privacy or intimacy. You can never really know a person cause everything you think is gospel with them is on some social media page. People are constantly critiquing the way you live your life & my thoughts about that: If you are so busy worrying about everyone else, you have no time to focus on yourself. Why is this person so focused on me that indicates to me they have nothing going on in their life, so their opinion is shit to me. I also think that we look at these comments and opinions like they really mean something...WRONG! I'm comfortable being me, and you should be to, why am I listening to some random stranger, letting them cause me pain. We should take more time to learn about the people we interact with, dive deep into the relationship whether friend or romantic to cut down the possibility that there will be a lack of success & definite failure. Save ourselves trouble & pain. Life is to short to be unhappy all the time, so find someone that is equally yoked for you, & if you can't find someone that's there for a season, so you can learn to be more adept at life so when you do meet the one life has prepared for you, then you can be just that, prepared! I hope all of you could take something from this.... take care of yourselves, & thanks for listening to my thoughts. Marcelle Meraux

[insidethesewallz-blog]

Missing in Action

Ok, so I have been away for a while, but when you are behind these fences & inside these walls you tend to not have control of your own destiny. We were locked down for a whole week over some nonsense, then I didn't have pesos, so I couldn't type anything. Nobody wanted to donate to the "BNF" Broke Negro Fund... so maybe I should start a "GoFundMe" so I can finally get these books out to the world. This is my dream, help a brother live out his dream. I want to be able to keep a continuous stream of input for this platform. I have so many things to say, people that want to tell stories & things that would blow your mind about things in here. So, today I will give you a piece of the what I've been up to... So, there was a big brawl, & they did not like that & they locked our asses down. 24 hours a day in a cell with another dude allllllllllll day..UGH! So, my cellie decided to eat a couple of bowls of Raisin Bran, and then drink all the milk. Now, we all know what milk does to a brothers stomach. So I'm sleeping peacefully & "Baruuunk" this putrid aroma just assault my olfactory receptors. This boy literally smelled like so old musty Mule pussy. I know you are probably wondering right now how I know what that smells like. (I was in Tijuana, too much Tequila, don't judge me~ LMAO ~ J/K) So since I was super bored, I decided to initiate the 'Fart Wars Initiative' Oh yeah, I felt like retribution was in order. I went ate me too bowls of bran flakes, drank two milks, a few oatmeal cakes, duplex cookies & waited for that rumble. I got me a trash bag & taped it to the crack on the backside of the bunk tucked it into my long john & boxer's so it's about 2am & my stomach had broiled up some good stuff. I made me a homemade fart funnel. When that milk was ready to come out & finally activated my lactose intolerance, it was like Hurricane Hugo up in there. He woke up coughing & looking around, I know my savory scent had to get all up in his nose & went straight into his lungs since he sleep with the cover tucked over his head. VICTORY!!!!!! But on the flipside, I did a lot of soul searching & thinking while I was down. I came up with serious topics that I wanted to tackle. I developed a blueprint for what I wanted to do with my time. I have been wanting to do something with outreach for young kids, especially teenagers. This is a time where they are figuring out themselves & it's pivotal that we catch them at this time to help mold them into positive adults. I feel compelled to give back, I feel compelled to help, & I make this a serious effort on my part. My son is now 14. I haven't been there for most of his life. I met him for the first time last year since I left him at 2 years old. 11YEARS... I missed everything, & I NEED to be there for him, guide him & reach him because there are so many impediments these days that keep our kids from reaching their full potential. Bullying, Suicide, Peer pressure to be socially adequate & popular. What they don't realize that most of the people that seem to be relevant now are the same people when you come home on vacation from running a company, being a lawyer, doctor, surgeon they are still living off their high school fame doing absolutely nothing with their lives. Being cool isn't what it's cracked up to be. I also want do a specialized clothing line to help the kids & victims of violence to bring awareness to the problems we face, not something just for fashion, but something that's stylish but also brings light upon the cause. What do you think? I know that we have to do something & I feel like a community should raise a child, not a single parent, help these people you see struggling so their child has a chance to be what they want in life, help that strong mother raise her child, look out for them when she can't be present. Do the right thing, we should always do the right thing when no one is looking, don't our kids deserve that help & that chance????